Sunday, January 13, 2013
It is true in order to move forward in this weight loss journey you have to did deep into your mind and soul and figure out and forgive yourself/others for the multiple reasons that got you to the place where you allowed yourself to put on the weight and loose yourself. And that's what it is, we lose ourselves; the weight takes a toll on us and we become someone we are not and most of the time someone we don't like.
I thought I was okay and liked the person I had become. But this last year I've had ot do alot of soul searching and forgiving and though I am not religous alot of asking for forgiveness. I was living with the past, not in it but I wasn't letting it go either, and that we can't do if we want to move forward. Over the last year I have been working on letting go and forgiveness. Going back to work and building up my self-esteem and confidence has helped alot.
I got hurt at work back in July. During the last 3 months, I've had to learn over again how to stand up for myself and not let others walk on or push/bully me. It's been hard. I had become so use to letting others do or say whatever they wanted. Not anymore. I found my back bone, some more of my confidence, but mostly I found a part of the old me - the me that didn't take that crap, and didn't accept the me I had become. On Monday was back at the doctor's office for a cortisone shot, and 2 weeks off work (dr. was ticked when I told him I didn't meet criteria for light duties or off time).
I also took the chance to open up a store/workshop for 6 months - working both it and my part-time job. I will be closing the store when my lease is up as it's not making enough to support itself. For what seemed like the longest time I felt like the world would end and I was such a failure - my product is crap, no one likes it (which I've never heard from someone who has used it), and because it was crap so am I (sound familiar, it's the same garbage I was already believing/carrying). But after alot of thought, some negative, I realized: I didn't die 20 yrs ago, and I won't die this time. But this time I will make a choice (I let others make the choice and tell me what I was going to do and believe what they said about me either real or imagined). Instead of letting this "failure",which it's not, it's a set back, I will close the store but I will not stop my passion. I will just go back to markets and shows.
But the most profound thing, and it is why I am back. The other day we were out, I was looking at something and for the first time in 20 years I didn't feel like my heart was being cut out or swallowed up by the darkness of the memory. The memory was light instead of dark, and I was able to remember the fun and happiness of the memory instead. In that moment I realized at some point over the last 5 months I had forgiven myself. And it was so freeing to realize that. I know I probably won't be the same person I was 20 yrs ago but I will be better than I have been. I will be a new and improved me! I'm look forward to not just 2013 but the rest of my life!
Sunday, January 08, 2012
I'm seeing improvement.
My energy is up - I've been getting in at minimum 20 minutes of hard/high intensity exercise a day. Starting tomorrow I can get back to using the treadmill - kids are back to school. I swear they wait til I'm on the treadmill in the middle of my workout and they have to start bugging - even after being told I'm going down to run, leave me alone. But now break is over and they will be back and I can get on with it.
My asthma - is much better. I'm not having to take my inhaler during my workouts. I take it once after my warm up if my airway feels tight, but I don't need it anymore after that like I use to. Also, maybe it's due to the lack of severe cold winter (it's been beautiful!) but I'm able to spend more time outside playing with the dogs. I'm enjoying the weather and sun which goes along way towards my attitude.
My attitude - I'm pushing myself to do better then the day before. I may do the same workout but I push myself to put more effort in, go faster/get a better time (running), do even one more rep. I feel better than I have in a long time - mentally and physically. I've had my final blow up at the hubby and kids about "what's not being done around here". I have gotten tired of asking for help, I don't get it. I have blow ups and get a day's worth of results. But after this last blow up, and hearing "I didn't know, I didn't hear you", I have made a family task list. We all have jobs for the week outlined and we must initial when we do them. There is even one for cooking dinner. I don't mind cooking dinner when I'm home but I work 3:30-7:15 usually. I serve dinner and do dishes, clean/set tables at a senior's home, I don't want to come home and have to make dinner or do dishes. The kids need to learn to cook and hubby needs to stop being so lazy (he's usually off when I work). The kids who are the worst for using every clean dish in the house will now be doing dishes unless I decide to use the dishwasher - mainly the days I work they will do dishes. Each week the jobs will change so that it is kept fair. I can't take care of the house, work (it's only part-time), run a business, do all the volunteer things I do/want to do, spend fun time with the family and take care of me without their help.
My attitude overall is: I'm getting back my self-confidence, self-esteem and pride in myself. I care about what I wear, how I look - I haven't done that in well a long time. I feel good, I actually am starting to feel sexy again. I can see the difference in my body when I look in the mirror naked. I don't cringe anymore, I look and say things like "wow, I can see that again" I laugh at myself for that one or "jeez, look how much of that is gone" or "is turning to muscle".
My food: still a bit of struggle/fight to make the right choices. But I have seen how poor choices over the last few weeks - a lot of pre-packaged, ready made foods can make weight jump back on. Two weeks ago I weighed in at 229, then crappy food, high sodium, barely any exercise, low to no water and with in a week I was back up to 235, some days the scale read 240. This week I made more conscious decisions on food, watching my sodium and working on and kicking up the water intake and getting in at least 20 minutes of high intensity exercise. Today, my weigh in day, I'm down to 227 so I will take that as a 2 lb loss, not the 8 lb loss the scale shows.
Earlier this week, I restarted the kettlebell workouts. I love this workout. It may not seem to be high intensity but by the end of 25 minutes I'm sweating, breathing heavy and definitely feel/know I worked out. I ended up pulling muscles in both inner thighs. Not complaining, it's a "problem" area. Not sure if it was from the workout or from the squats I was doing at work that caused the issue. So I have been turbo jamming it almost everyday since so that I still workout but give those muscles a bit of a break.
The goal for this week - keep up on the exercise, drink more water, make better and more from scratch food choices, have fun, and enjoy the changes I'm seeing, not just what the scale is telling me.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Well, here I sit 2 1/2 hours from midnight. Looking over the ups and downs of 2011. Weight wise, didn't do well at all. Just over 10 lbs for the year. I gave up and fell down many many times over the year. At the same time I've discovered alot about myself and the people I keep company with (this includes close family members) - and I've been weeding them out. I discovered this year I love to run, I enjoy my own company, I don't hate strength training (lol), I love my job, I love being back to work but most of all I love myself. I love myself enough to not let another year slip through my fingers. I WILL MAKE THE MOST OF 2012. There are still many changes to come and goals to strive towards but as I declutter my life of people and things that bring me down and hold me back, I'm also finding ways that work to help me achieve these goals. It's been a slow, painful process this past year but I know and have faith that in the end it will all have been worth it.
2012 is the year of challenging myself, experiencing life, living everyday with one objective - make healthy choices (physically, mentally, emotionally). That will start tomorrow or Monday as we are having a large New Year's day dinner so the eating part is almost shot right off the bat. Tonight I will be drinking Blackberry Merlot (I rarely drink at all but something has been nagging me to do it all week) and saying good bye to 2011 and welcoming 2012 with an open heart, open eyes and a positive mindset. I will not go to bed and sleep through the end of the year. I welcome 2012 and all the changes/challenges it will bring into my life.
To all my SP friends and fellow members; HAPPY NEW YEAR! Make 2012 YOUR BEST year yet!
Monday, December 19, 2011
I haven't been using my food tracker but I've been staying good with what and how much I eat. But I did give many an excuse (which is no excuse) to myself not exercise. Over the last week or two I've spent way to much time on the computer - doing nothing productive, watching tv - doing nothing productive. And the scale shows it. Even though I'm eat good, without exercise I just maintain. Not good enough! I have a long way to go before June.
So, I really need to make what ever exercising I do count on that day. I have some motivational sayings and pictures on my computer, just have to get coloured ink so I can print them out.
But today I discovered a way to get in a full 60 minutes and not feel like my legs will never hold me up again. I started last week with the Prevention's Walk Off Weight program ( link at the bottom of this blog), today after doing the walk intervals - I'm starting over again as I didn't complete week 1 do to my excuse nonsense, I did C25K w1d1 to see how I would feel right afterwards. It felt great! My legs didn't burn like they were starting to during week 2 of that program. Best part being today - my walk speed is down from 15 to 14, my run speed is down from 15 to 13!! I was able to run faster and longer at the faster speed where before my calves were burning to bad and I would have to slow down or even walk. I'm sweaty and tired but feeling good and energized at the same time. I have to work tonight, will be tracking my steps tonight to see just how many I do in a shift on this floor, I know it's more than the one I started on. Otherwise I feel like I could push myself and do some Turbo Jam or kettlebells. But I don't want to suffer through tonight by overdoing it now so I will wait and see how I feel tomorrow.
No more excuses.
No more mediocre half tries.
It's only 30 minutes for the walking program and 30 minutes for the running program. There's my hour in I wanted to do daily. And in my days off if I add in 20 minutes of kettlebells or 45 or even just 20 minutes of Turbo Jam I know I will reach my monthly goals. I just need to find that motivation and stop being afraid of finding me. If things/people in my life have to change or leave on this journey then so be it. This "new" me has lot of the old me (pre-children) and I have missed her!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Snow is on the ground this morning. Glad to see the end of November. It's been a trying month on many levels. I have pictures in my soap room of spring flowers, boats on the water, the kids swimming in the bay, a print out of a large show I'm doing in June to try and keep me uplifted and looking forward over the next few months. The show one is really the push to exercise and I'm adding it to the wall beside the treadmill too as well as the fridge. My bigger goal is to be at a fit 170 for that show weekend.
Started November floating between 237-240.
November goal of reaching 229/230 - not met, I'm at 233.
I'm not down about it, I accept it and I'm happy with it. Considering the trips and slips I had this month and peri-menapause is playing havoc again with my body where my weight seems to jump up and down on the scale. Just means I will have to work a little harder and focus on what I eat to help my body adjust.
I still have stress that I can't change at this time, I just deal with it as it comes but even that seems to be getting easier. I've been striving to reach for the treadmill or dvd rather than the fridge or cupboard.
December will be better.
* still aiming for 220/219 heading into 2012.
* when we have enough snow, it's never an if, get out and try snowshoeing. I have the shoes, I have the Nordic poles, it's only the "old" me that stands in the way and it's time for her to go. I need to find ways to enjoy the next 4/5 months - next to hoping they go by as quick as summer seemed to.
Side Note: I've been back to work for 4 months, feels like just yesterday I was starting my first day! So I know it's not that long a time, I just need to remind myself of that as we go through these months of white stuff.
* Tuesday's is $2 after-school cross country ski day at the local ski club. When I'm not working, and the roads are good, take DD and DS if he wants to and go for the hour when it starts up.
Trying to stay positive as we head into the worst of the seasons for me. Being a winter hater and living where we get a hugh amount of snow is something I really need to work on so that I won't maybe hate it but at least tolerate it and have fun during it.
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