Friday, December 06, 2013
My stepfather died yesterday evening. We had a house full of people when my sister called, and I just sort of fell to the floor. Everyone was wonderful and kind and stuck around to see it they could help, but of course there is nothing to be done, really.
Mom doesn't want anyone to come to Montana at this time. There will not be a funeral. Instead, she wants us to come next summer and have a memorial for him that is a picnic and family gathering. It's what he wanted.
My sister said that she had left Mom at dialysis and gone up to see Carey, and that even though his stats weren't changed, she could suddenly tell that something was wrong. She rushed back to get Mom from dialysis, and they got back to the hospital just 15 minutes before he died.
I'm feeling sad and in shock and kind of ... not numb, but like the world is all being muffled through cotton wadding. Like I can't quite move forward. I have a huge amount of work I need to get through in the next two days, but I can't really get myself started on anything.
I am glad that I got the Christmas lights up outside yesterday before all this happened. I can't imagine trying to do it today.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
I went to bed last night, absolutely decided that I wasn't going to run in the Turkey Dash this morning. I went to bed late, and I didn5k.'t set an alarm.
I woke up at 7:00 and thought, "Oh, no. Not happening." I went back to sleep.
I woke up again at 8:00 and thought, "Well...."
I texted my buddy and asked her what she was going to do. She was sitting on the couch, trying to decide. So I typed, "Hey, it's an hour of being cold, but then a whole day of feeling smug."
And so I went and did the 5k. I was slow as all get-out, finishing in an appalling 47 minutes. But I did it. At this point I have 10,000+ steps on my Spark Tracker for the day.
I am also absolutely stuffed full of delicious Thanksgiving dinner, and about ready to fall asleep.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tomorrow my girls and I are signed up to do a 5k "turkey dash" in the morning. Erin and I did this particular 5k last Thanksgiving with our friends Karla and Anil.
But last year Thanksgiving morning was about 45 degrees and sunny. This year the forecast is 23 degrees, snowing, and blowing like whoa.
I want to be that badass. I want to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner smug in the knowledge that I began the day with 3 miles of jogging. But even more? I do not want to be out in that crap. I think I will settle for walking the dog.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
We got the word on Rebecca's MRI today. There is no sign of her tumor returning. This means that she can proceed to chemotherapy. It's not a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it means there is at least a tunnel.
The relief I feel is almost painful, it's so intense. I don't even know how to deal with the ache of adrenaline still coursing through my body. The relief is almost as painful as grief. It's weird and hard to deal with. I'm hoping a night of sleep will make it easier to live with.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I don't know exactly what it is about today, but my FB page is flooded with slacktivism pictures asking that I "support cancer victims" by linking to some photo for today. As someone who cancer is affecting deeply at this moment, someone whose heart has been broken by cancer in the past, someone who is waiting to hear *tomorrow* news that is either hopeful or devastating, I do not look upon those candles and doves and challenges for me to put that stupid picture on my page as support. I see it as an insult, a smug slap in the face to those who are suffering.
Linking to someone's random picture lets people check their internal "I supported people with cancer" box off, and then lets them wander away to funny cat pictures, thinking they've done something good. Well, you haven't. You know what supports people with cancer and their families? Money, donated for research. A meal, brought to someone who's undergoing chemo and too weak to cook. Your time, cleaning someone's house or doing their laundry or running their errands or taking them to the doctor or their kids to activities they would otherwise have to miss.
Supporting people with cancer, or with heart disease, or mental illness, or disabilities or any of the other myriad things people struggle with takes a commitment deeper than linking to some photo on Facebook, and frankly it's insulting and upsetting when you do.
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