Tuesday, November 26, 2013
We got the word on Rebecca's MRI today. There is no sign of her tumor returning. This means that she can proceed to chemotherapy. It's not a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it means there is at least a tunnel.
The relief I feel is almost painful, it's so intense. I don't even know how to deal with the ache of adrenaline still coursing through my body. The relief is almost as painful as grief. It's weird and hard to deal with. I'm hoping a night of sleep will make it easier to live with.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I don't know exactly what it is about today, but my FB page is flooded with slacktivism pictures asking that I "support cancer victims" by linking to some photo for today. As someone who cancer is affecting deeply at this moment, someone whose heart has been broken by cancer in the past, someone who is waiting to hear *tomorrow* news that is either hopeful or devastating, I do not look upon those candles and doves and challenges for me to put that stupid picture on my page as support. I see it as an insult, a smug slap in the face to those who are suffering.
Linking to someone's random picture lets people check their internal "I supported people with cancer" box off, and then lets them wander away to funny cat pictures, thinking they've done something good. Well, you haven't. You know what supports people with cancer and their families? Money, donated for research. A meal, brought to someone who's undergoing chemo and too weak to cook. Your time, cleaning someone's house or doing their laundry or running their errands or taking them to the doctor or their kids to activities they would otherwise have to miss.
Supporting people with cancer, or with heart disease, or mental illness, or disabilities or any of the other myriad things people struggle with takes a commitment deeper than linking to some photo on Facebook, and frankly it's insulting and upsetting when you do.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
I think I'm doing okay with everything, and then the strangest things set me off. As I was searching for the largest possible turkey I could find, a woman cordially asked for how many people I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I almost couldn't make it out of the store with my groceries.
The answer is, if Rebecca's MRI goes well on Tuesday, I am cooking for 5. If the MRI goes badly, her parents will be in no shape to cook, so I will be cooking for 10. And that's one of the things that really made it all hit me again. A silly little thing, but with so much significance in those two numbers.
I finished my shopping with shaking hands, and had to sit in the car for 5 minutes before I could get myself together enough for the 3 mile trip home. I am so very scared for her.
DH and I are going with her parents to learn the results of the test on Tuesday. I have a lot of work to get done between now and then, and thankfully most of it is pretty routine and mindless. Because I can't think of anything else.
Monday, November 18, 2013
We have the report on Shasta's breed. Just to remind you, this is what Shasta looks like. She's also tiny--15 pounds, and the tops of her ears just come to my knees:
And her lineage of her four grandparents?
1. Miniature pinscher--which I had guessed
2. Shiba Inu--which I can see now in her face, and
3. Beagle--which WTF???!!! I see NO beagle in this dog
4. Mixed breed, including toy/miniature poodle, Spanish water dog, Welsh Springer spaniel and a just touch of chihuahua
All leading to the question of WHY IS THIS DOG JET BLACK? Only the Spanish water dog is a black dog. The rest are mixed colors. Also, all these breeds are much larger--like, twice her weight at least--except the chihuahua.
Genetics are weird.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
I ran errands yesterday while the cleaning crew was here, because I didn't want to watch the progress. I wanted the before-and-after effect. I wanted the Cleaning Fairies to have come.
I was delighted with the results. It is all so very wonderfully clean now.
I was so delighted, in fact, that after a short time my attention was completely drawn to the messes that I had just resigned myself to accept: that pile of paperwork that has no place to go; those bits of detritus that you could put away i you just had one more drawer....
The truth is, the equation for the number of drawers a household needs is always n+1, "n" being the number of drawers that the household has. Every time you manage to come up with one more drawer, somehow you fill that and need just one more still.
The solution to the problem was not finding more drawers, nor resigning myself to the messes. The solution was to reorganize a couple of drawers and get rid of some stuff we simply didn't need. And I did. To the tune of two large bags of recycling.
I still have one large stack of paperwork that requires me to actually *do* something with it, rather than the stuff that could simply be tossed. But it's corralled into one spot, and I will whittle my way through it in the coming days.
And there's the entire family room still do deal with, though the plan of putting away at least one thing every time I'm down there is actually making a small dent in the disaster.
I feel like I'm getting my life back on track.
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