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How to get my groove back?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

My brain keeps telling me that there is no reason for me to still be so weak. I should be recovered.

My body keeps falling over in a heap.

I am not going to let this discourage me. I am getting more done before collapse time every day. But it's hard to be patient with it all. I'm not going to make 1,000 fitness minutes this month, and that's disappointing.

But I have to remember that this is about the long haul. Overdoing it now will just slow me down later. I have to keep reminding myself that is what matters most.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERHAULING-ME 3/31/2012 9:38PM

    You haven't given up and that's the important part. You were sick for awhile! It's going to take time. But sure you have the nutrition part down to help you with your energy and strength!

Take Care!

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NATPLUMMER 3/31/2012 7:14PM

    You were pretty sick for a while. I'm not surprised you're still a little weak. I think it might take a couple of weeks for you to be back up to your normal self. emoticon

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APPLESBANANAS 3/31/2012 3:38PM

    Has your eating been on track, or not enough? I know you said when you were sick you weren't eating much... make sure you're fueling yourself enough, and staying hydrated with plenty of fluids.

Working in a day or two of rest every week (not just "less" exercise, but actual REST) might be wise too, instead of stretching yourself thin 7 days per week.

Also, making sure your sleep cycle is pretty consistent might help too... going to bed about the same time and getting up about the same time every day. Maybe you tried these things already. Good luck getting the groove back!

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KARENDEE4 3/31/2012 2:37PM

    Do what you can! If you are trying then you will get it done eventually!

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Good enough to eat!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

My mouth is finally to the point where I can eat without excruciating pain! Which meant that last night I enjoyed rather a bit more than I should have of the good dinner I made. The feeling of fullness disrupted me sleep, and reminded me that I need to eat less in the evening just so I can rest well.

Still, eating! Yay!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NATPLUMMER 3/29/2012 11:42AM


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HONBAD 3/29/2012 9:58AM

    Glad to hear it! It's a good thing you noticed your fullness - at least for me, whenever I do that now I always am glad it happens far less than it used to.

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What a day!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

6 month Sparkversary award
9,000 fitness minutes
20,ooo Spark Points

Talk about a confluence of things coming together.

I got in a workout, but that's about all I was good for. It's good that I'm getting back into it, and stronger every day. But it's really slow getting better with this one.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERHAULING-ME 3/29/2012 12:18AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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REYA-RLYEH 3/27/2012 10:05PM


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EUPHRATES 3/27/2012 8:39PM

    Great job lady!

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BLUE42DOWN 3/26/2012 3:55PM

    emoticon emoticon

Happy emoticon!

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CHEFSOPHIE 3/26/2012 2:13PM

    Well despite being sick you have accomplised a whole lot.

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FLIPFLOPNMAMA 3/26/2012 1:19PM

    Way to go!

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BARRISTER2011 3/25/2012 11:58PM

  Way to go Miss G. Are you feeling better?

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NATPLUMMER 3/25/2012 9:01PM

    Excellent day!!

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APPLESBANANAS 3/25/2012 7:13PM

    I am always impressed by your vocabulary (confluence). Are you an English teacher?? I had to look up words in one of your blogs the other day, it's impressive! Your stats are also impressive, keep it up!

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Making peace with myself

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I sat in the movie theater surrounded by the delicious smell of popcorn, but didn't want any. A friend brought over home-baked cookies, and I ate only one. We bought my favorite Girl Scout cookies, and they are still in the snack drawer, leaving me untempted.

If I think about these things, the question in my head is, "Does eating this taste better than the progress I'm making feels?" And most of the time, the answer is, no.

When the answer is yes, I do indulge myself. I didn't deprive myself of one of my friend's delicious cookies. Tonight I will be attending a party where the hostess is an amazing cook, and I will definitely be eating some less-than-healthy snacks and having a couple drinks. But I am confident that I will be retaining my center and will not just go crazy at the snack table.

I am in a good place, mentally, about my progress. But I can remember that less than a year ago, the answer to the question of "Is eating this more important than my health?" Was "YES! Yes is is! I don't care about my size, I don't care how I look, all I care about is the smooth, chocolatey taste of this entire can of frosting going down my throat." That was the person I was a year ago. I can remember it vividly.

I don't understand her at all. I can't comprehend why she felt that way. I am baffled by her complete unwillingness to take a walk around the block, let alone actually work out.

But here's the thing that I have to remember: she is still inside me. She's quiet right now, but there will come a day when something triggers her to come roaring to the surface. I've made the smug assumption in the past that she was completely tamed, completely eradicated, only to wake up and find that she had taken over and a year's worth of hard work had been erased and she was completely in control.

I can't beat her by hating her. She is part of me, and self-hatred is self-defeating. I have to be vigilant for her reappearance, but when she does? I need to look at her honestly, ask her why she is here. What is it that she fears? What is is that she needs? What does she want? I have to take the time to love and understand her, and give her the things that she needs that aren't food. She is empty and aching, and food is her methadone for what she honestly needs.

She started to surface last night. I'm home alone for the weekend, I'm still not feeling very well, even though I am improving daily, and I was suddenly filled with overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and a sense of helplessness. Part of me said, "eat those leftovers you're saving for lunch tomorrow, and break open a bottle of wine; it will make you feel better."

I have to say, it was a real temptation. But I took a deep breath, centered myself, and asked, what is it that I really need? The answer was that I had been up too late the night before, gotten up too early in the morning, and was exhausted beyond the usual measure because I'm still getting over being sick. What I really needed was not to stuff my face and watch maudlin movies. What I needed was sleep. And so instead of inhaling the contents of the refrigerator in an act of defiant self-hatred, I went to sleep.

She is quieter today. Perhaps she will eventually learn that food is not the answer to pain. But she can't learn it if I treat her with disdain. She's part of me, and *all* of me deserves to be loved. Love isn't always giving yourself what you want; it's taking the time to really understand what you need.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATD55 4/4/2012 6:34PM

    very inspiring, you have a way with words. No one can do this for us we have to have the strength to to it for our selfs. emoticon

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HONBAD 3/29/2012 10:01AM

    I read this blog a few days ago, but forgot to leave a comment. I thought of it again last night and it helped me stay in control when that part of me wanted to snack my way through everything in the house! Thanks for putting this so well.

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TOPS-TORTOISE 3/28/2012 2:53PM

    Great blog! You have a knack for putting feelings into words. We work so hard to develop good eating habits by making healthier choices, measuring portions and tracking calories, but those old bad eating habits are still right there, just outside the door. We can't let our guard down or get cocky and overconfident. If we open the door just a crack they come busting back in with a vengeance. Whenever I feel like I want to scarf down a whole bag of chips or half of a chocolate cake I ask myself, what do I want more, the junk food, or to be healthier, thinner and in control? I feel much better about myself choosing the latter of course. Thanks for the reminder.

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EUPHRATES 3/27/2012 8:42PM

    I love your outlook. :) We all have her inside us, believe me.

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BERTA48 3/27/2012 12:50AM



Comment edited on: 3/27/2012 12:52:02 AM

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WOLFSPIRITMOM 3/25/2012 12:15PM

    emoticon That is a great way to handle things!

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DORY914 3/25/2012 11:13AM

    Great blog! I felt like you were writing about me, I struggle with the same thing. Right now I'm in a good place with myself but I'm still struggling. I keep telling myself NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS , so far its been helping. Keep fighting the battle of the willpower and we will win! emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 3/25/2012 10:34AM

    I don't know that she ever goes away entirely but at least for me, she doesn't come out nearly as often.

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CRICKET251 3/24/2012 9:37PM

    I have gotten to know you a bit thru our chats and I have to say you are amazing! You have come a long way and I know what it is to fight that inner person! But you are doing it! This was so well written and from the heart. And I am glad you are starting to feel better! Talk soon! :)

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  What a great post! Congratulations to you for taking care of yourself instead of stuffing yourself. All too often I find that I do not look to see what I need & just tune out & go on auto-pilot. What you realized & did is really such a leap into health! Thank you for sharing.

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DOTTIEJANE1 3/24/2012 6:07PM

    Great blog, yes this lifestyle change is hard, BUT so worth it .You have a great outlook , I believe we all have the same type of person residing with in us and need to learn that food is not the answer to so many emotions but should be used for fuel . Thanks for sharing.

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APPLESBANANAS 3/24/2012 5:06PM

    I love how you expressed this... I totally can identify. Your litmus test of "Does eating this taste better than the progress I'm making feels?" is something I'm going to write down and keep with me. Congrats on telling that person inside of you to pipe down for the night.

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NICOLED40 3/24/2012 4:43PM

    I, too, have that person inside of me - the one who would rather have sucked down an entire cake! Thank you for your blog - I needed to hear someone else remind me that I'm not alone in this. In fact, right before I read your blog I had just typed my own blog about how I'm feeling unmotivated AND I ate a cupcake! Now I feel guilty. I only wish I had logged onto Sparkpeople BEFORE I gave into my temptations, and not afterwards.


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KARENDEE4 3/24/2012 4:36PM

    Great outlook! I love the blog!

You can do this

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SYN-CA 3/24/2012 1:19PM

    Good job on taming the mistress living inside! Have you named her yet? She may be friends with Matilda...

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CAKEMAKERMOM 3/24/2012 1:16PM

    My inner selves are still struggling. I hope to be in the spot your are one day.

Love this blog!

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TARANITUP 3/24/2012 1:00PM

    This blog is fantastic... I love how you are able to rationally weigh what you will and will not treat yourself to, and I think its KEY that you are still allowing the occasional treat so that you don't have a meltdown one day and eat 30 treats.

Also you have grown so much to be able to see the difference between you now and you then, and respect that you then is still real and it's easy to fall into old habits.

Great choice on the early bed! I have found that a nice bubble batch, setting into bed with a book and brushing my teeth make me forget I want a snack... and I've even gotten to the point where if I feel a bit of hunger as I fall asleep I like the feeling - it means fat is burning :)

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REDHOTANDBLUE 3/24/2012 12:24PM

    Wow, you should be really proud of yourself! Just look at the thought process and self - evaluation you went through to make the right choice. Amazing! If we all could just stop and think our way through a situation like this without just giving in to mindless, instant gratification, we will all be able to stay on the path, one foot in front of the other. Great job! emoticon

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I went for a walk!

Friday, March 23, 2012

It was slow, and I am worn out. But I got in a little exercise! Yay for recovery mode!

Now I just have to be careful not to measure my progress against my previous workouts. I have to be patient and work back up to that!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSYVIRGINY 3/23/2012 8:34PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 3/23/2012 8:20PM

    YAY!! emoticon

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IWILLICANIAM 3/23/2012 8:03PM

    I'm so happy that you are feeling better and were able to take a walk!! :D Way to go!! It'll get better, and better and better. Then eventually you will pass up what you could do before all of this made you feel so crappy!! :D Keep us updated on your progress okay?

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CAKEMAKERMOM 3/23/2012 7:00PM

    That's great you're feeling better. I hope tomorrow will be even better. emoticon

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