Saturday, September 22, 2012
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Friday, September 21, 2012
Joe complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that, there is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.
SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD - GET A WATER SOFTENER.
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS - GIVE HIM VITAMINS.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE - PUT HER IN REHAB.
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS - GET A LAWYER.
AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.
"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating nothing but managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something around here."
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.
So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Ainít dat grand!!
Bubba had gotten pretty excited by this. Just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!"
She a pretty lilí ting, too.... Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?Ē
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
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