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August goals review...

Monday, August 30, 2010

It's that time again! August is almost behind us and we are heading into September, which offically marks the beginning of my favorite time of year!!!

Here were my August goals and results:
1. Stop treating the present moment like it is an obstacle to overcome. Cherish every moment... including this one. WIN
2. Practice saying no, when I mean no. WIN
3. Continue the C25K training 3 times a week and do yoga 3 times a week. Try to Zumba once a week and swim once a week. WIN MOSTLY I did complete my C25K training each week, but only made it to Zumba once or twice and didn't do yoga as often as I wanted to.
4. Continue practicing eating intuitively... let myself go through the process of synthesizing how I feel when I eat and re-learning how it feels to be hungry or be satiated. WIN
5. Above all else... honor myself. This means to feed my body properly and in the correct amounts and move my body when it needs to be moved and to care of my mind and spirit appropriately. WIN

Pretty damn good if I do say so myself... I think I might try another approach and not set any goals for September. I'd like to try living more intuitively as a whole, honoring my mind, body and spirit, feeding myself properly, exercising when I want to and how I want to and completing my meditations just because it feels good. I will take a few days to think on this. Maybe I will make a commitment to NOT track my food for the month. The idea of that scares me a little, which makes me think that maybe it's time to try to let go of that part of my 'routine.' Hmmmmm...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEFULTURTLES 9/14/2010 10:14AM

    Let gooooooooo... you can do it :)

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STARLIGHT615 8/31/2010 9:06PM

    You did awesome Sweetie!! Keep it up for september!

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POSITIVE-FORCE 8/31/2010 12:58PM

    You did an Awesome Job of your August Goals!

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VITASANA 8/31/2010 12:11AM

    Love Love Love It! A + !

Sounds like you had a great month and you're headed to a great one! I love that you're going to not track this month. You have to do what is right for you and I am behind you 100%

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KSGROTHE 8/30/2010 9:17PM

    emoticon on mostly meeting your goals for August!

Keep up the good work! Whatever you decide to do for September - goals, no goals, tracking, not tracking - you will do great! emoticon

- Karen

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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/30/2010 7:23PM

    definitely pretty damn good!

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A*L*P* 8/30/2010 6:26PM

    Girl, you're doing fantastic! You really seem to have a good grasp on what you want and you're going after it! Keep it up!!

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SPARKLES_MCGHEE 8/30/2010 4:43PM

    Rock on!!

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ADESSO1234 8/30/2010 4:16PM

  Love this post!! Good for you- sounds like you had a great month. I really like what you said about living more intuitively... I'm working on incorporating that into my routin as well.

I agree- Autumn is the best time of year!

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DAISYDIVA74 8/30/2010 3:14PM

    Look at you!! Look like you have done great this month at meeting your goals!! And I love the way you put that "honor" that is so what we need to do honor our bodies and do what is right to help take care of them!! LOVE IT!!! You are so awesome!

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Running and pizza...

Monday, August 30, 2010

I've made some significant progress in the past few weeks. The most noteworthy of these, in my opinion, is related to physical fitness. I have rarely considered myself to be a 'fit' or 'athletic' person, but I have always envied others who are. I am the girl that drives by the skinny running girls on the road and stares with jealousy and envy. I have always wanted to be the girl running, but really just never was. Last night, I completed Week 6 Day 3 of the C25K program and I ran for 25 minute straight. While this may not seem like much af an accomplishment to most people, just a few weeks ago I was mortified at the very thought of having to run for just 3 minutes and physcially struggled to get through it. I am amazed by what my body is able to do and also stunned to begin to realize how much of our physical limitations are mental. If I believe I can or can't do something, either way, I'm right.

My run last night was magnificent. It was dark and cool. I went and ran along my favorite path and relished the cool air on my face as I jogged down the road. I settled into a good pace from the beginning and while I may still be pretty slow, I am not focused on speed at the moment and just enjoyed how it felt to be running along and not gasping for air or desperately watching the clock for the end of the interval. It felt incredible. As I enter into Week 7, I realize that there are no more interval running sessions in the program and I will miss them. I have also already planned to start the 'Bridge to 10k' program in 3 weeks once the C25K is completed. I simply love running. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I get after every run. I love feeling so alive while I'm running. I love pushing myself beyond the mental boundaries that I had unconsciously set for myself. I love that I want to run and that I look forward to doing it.

I have some food news too... A remarkable thing happened this weekend. I ate pizza. To be more specific, I ate one piece of pizza and then I walked away from it. This has never happened before. Historically, I have been a 4 slice girl. We would always order an extra large pizza and I would chow down two slices, save the crust for the dogs and then go back for two more slices. I am getting more in tune to how much food my body actually needs to feel satisfied and so I did a little experiment with some pizza this weekend. I was hanging out with some friends on Saturday night and there were 2 large pizzas involved. I was pretty hungry, so I took a slice and enjoyed every delicious bite and the crust too (sorry dogs). I realized that after just that once slice, I wasn't hungry anymore and so I didn't go back for another piece. Not only that, but I didn't obsess for the rest of the night about how much I was deprived and wanted more. This is major progess for me. I was so excited by this new development that I repeated the act with some more pizza on Sunday. I am getting better at being aware of the quantity of food that will physically satisfy me and I am taking the process of eating back as a physical process and not a mental process. I no longer ruminate for hours after a meal about how I wished I could have had more, but didn't have more because of an infinite list of reasons that almost all have to do with self loathing. I simply ate less, felt fine and went about my day. I am starting to resemble something like a normal person and I'm really liking how it feels.



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEFULTURTLES 9/14/2010 10:13AM

    I commend you and your progress here! I understand both:

- Running gives me the same feeling. I love a good run. I know that not every run will be easy and enjoyable, but I always feel great when it is done and I never regret it. FYI - You do not have to stop intervals. If you enjoy them, keep them up or do one day a week of intervals. Remember this is YOUR program. I have many friends who clock the same time in running straight as when they run 9 minutes fast and 2 minutes slow. Don't let your ego push you around out on the trail. DO what makes you happy and you can be sure that in 10 years you are STILL doing it!

- Eating until full - We can high five on that one! I just spent a couple of weeks in the land of pasta, pizza, and chianti. I enjoyed each one of these things, but only until I was full. I never pushed away from the table too full. I am so proud of me!!! ANd I am so proud of you!!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 8/30/2010 9:19PM

    That's amazing! Congrats! I just ran my first mile tonight, so 25 minutes is something to aspire to!

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GAGEJ11 8/30/2010 8:06PM

    Great blog I think I am in your shoes you were wearing about a month ago :) I just finished week three of c25k and yesterday I was very hungry (I saved calories for pizza I wanted) and I had three slices it was a medium pizza so the slices were smaller I could have done with two but i knew i'd felt deprived and would have eaten the other slice when I got home. Glad to hear that with patience and will power and some other things I am sure go away. Great job it sounds like you have come a great distance keep it up :)

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JESSASAURUSFLEX 8/30/2010 6:13PM

    I have been running also... and yet I only run for brief periods, It feels amazing... and freeing... Congrats on walking away from that pizza after one slice... its so hard!

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LOSING107 8/30/2010 5:50PM

    Congratulations...on both accounts! I have to admit, I still eat too much pizza when we have it, but I don't buy it nearly as much anymore.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 8/30/2010 4:39PM

    Both of those are awesome things! I always wanted to feel normal too. It is pretty cool isn't it? Keep up the good work!

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MADDEELOU 8/30/2010 4:35PM

    Congratulations on both the running and the pizza! Isn't it amazing how empowering running is? I never would have believed that I would learn to love running but I do too. Amazing.

Stay strong!

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LOTUSFLOWER 8/30/2010 4:09PM

    This is awesome!!!!! You are doing so well!!! I remember the day when I didn't have any more intervals. You will love running straight!!

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HOT4TEACHER2010 8/30/2010 4:06PM

    Keep up the great work! I know how you feel - I am doing C25K and today, I finished Week 5 with the final 20 minute long run. I was SO thrilled to make it all the way through that run. I never ever in a million years thought I would like running so much. :)

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REDSASSENACH 8/30/2010 4:06PM

    That's funny- I did the same thing on Saturday night. We went in dutch on a pie with my brother in law and his wife, and I had one small piece, and was cool. Oddly enough I felt really guilty about how I ate that day until I mentally added up my calories- and I was pretty much right on track with my range. And still was able to eat whatever I wanted to- it was portion control that was the made the difference. I'm not planning to do it every day, but it was nice to not have to restrict myself entirely. Just keep my head screwed on straight and it's all good. Pizza doesn't have to mean my entire day is blown and I'm a big failure. Good job!!!

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AMBER281 8/30/2010 4:05PM

    Awesome job!!! Keep up the great work!
Is the bridge to 10K program part of spark as well? I have never heard of it before.


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LOVESLIFE48 8/30/2010 3:47PM

    Wow!! You have accomplished A LOT!!! running for 25 minutes!! emoticonAnd eating 1 piece of pizza!! That's emoticon You are a huge inspiration to me!! Keep up the amazing work!! emoticon

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DAISYDIVA74 8/30/2010 3:26PM

    OMG!!!! I cried reading this!! I can relate to you soo much it is crazy!! I have always wanted to run but with the weight and the bad ankle I just said NO you can't. But I have been thinking about starting the c25k. And I think I am for sure now!! And the pizza story to. It has taken me a while to learn that I am eating to live and not living to eat anymore!! But I like you find enjoying that one slice of pizza really is enough!! You are absolutely amazing Kerri!! I am so proud of what you have accomplished!! And I hope that I will be running soon!!

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PAPER_WINGS18 8/30/2010 3:02PM

    wow girl! AWESOME on the running!! So happy for you!!

Also, way to friggin' go on the pizza front! Pizza has always been my archnemesis but I think we, too, are slowly starting to form a friendship and not a love-hate affair! woo hooo!!!

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AWOLF24 8/30/2010 2:32PM

    Awesome on the run AND the pizza!!!!!!

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POSITIVE-FORCE 8/30/2010 2:14PM

    Awesome Job Kerri! your doing such a great job!

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TREASURINGLIFE 8/30/2010 2:09PM

    AWESOME!! You're doing so great!

- Michelle

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BEATRICEBUNNY 8/30/2010 1:51PM

    This is wonderful! I'm so happy for you. :)

I more or less avoided pizza during my dieting and binged on it during my rebellion from dieting. Now it's a regular part of my diet, and I love being able to eat it. Pizza is a great source of veggies when I'm traveling.

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JAKESTERSMOM 8/30/2010 1:40PM

    Awesome! Congratulations on the running, I'll have to check out that Bridge to 10K (I'm on Week 4 Day 1 of C25K). Awesome progress with the pizza!

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WHITNEY0814 8/30/2010 12:51PM

    That's remarkable progress! I am so proud of you! You're doing amazing. Keep up the good work, you'll be at your goal in no time!



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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/30/2010 12:51PM

    You are rocking it! Keep it up you beautiful thing you!

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WFG: Workshop Three

Monday, August 23, 2010

1. Author Geneen Roth begins the chapter telling her students that their relationships with food are the greatest blessings in their lives. That they are not going to fix this relationship, but should walk through the door and see what's behind it. When you think about this—that what you thought was a curse is actually a blessing—how do you respond? Do you feel like throwing the book against the wall or feeding it to your dog, or does it make you curious about the possibilities of using your relationship with food as an opening to the rest of your life?

This actually confuses me a little bit and I think this was the chapter in the book where I started to feel angry and frustrated. I don’t understand why my relationship with food should be such a great blessing. I don’t understand why it is supposed to be such a gift. I do understand that feeding my body right is the most important thing that I can do for it, but isn’t that more of a necessity than a gift? I am open to exploring my relationship with food as an opening to other aspects of my life, but I have doubts that it will be an opening to the ‘rest of my life.’ That is a pretty broad statement and I would like to hope that the rest of my life involves more than a relationship with food. This question frustrates me.

2. What would it mean to see your relationship with food as the greatest blessing of your life? What would need to change in your thinking? Your eating?

I suppose that to see my relationship with food as the greatest blessing of my life would mean that I would feed and nurture my body in the way that I should and the way that it wants me to. And in that way, it would be the ultimate act of self love. Perhaps, if I could make that mental shift, I would not see food as a reward, a treat or something to be ‘deserved,’ but instead see it as the ultimate kindness to myself to eat just enough and in the right amounts to fuel my body. I think that the change in my thinking has already begun. I have already begun to make better decisions and to listen and feel how my body responds to certain foods and triggers. I’ve noticed that I make smaller plates of food for myself and I notice that I am satisfied with smaller amounts of food. I still have work to do. I still think of certain foods as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and also still count calories, although with much less intensity than I used to.

3. Geneen describes her struggle of gaining and losing 1,000 pounds, loathing herself and becoming suicidal. She came to the realization that she had two choices—to stop dieting or to kill herself. Ultimately, she writes, it's about not fixing yourself. In Women, Food and God, she urges readers to end the war with themselves and with food. How long have you been fighting with yourself about your relationship with food? And…has fighting with yourself ever led to truly changing yourself? Are you willing to stop the struggle? What do you think you'll find? How would giving up this fight make you feel?

I have been fighting with myself in this regard for about 14 years. Since I have lost weight, gained weight, lost weight and gained weight, I don’t know that the struggle has led to much true change. I have learned more about the physical and scientific aspects of diet, exercise and the human body. I have learned about food and calories and infinite details about carbs and fat grams, but since I ended up right back in the same position over and over, clearly the statistics and the knowledge just were not the problem. The problem resides in a different place. A place that is unscathed by statistics. I would love to end the struggle, but it scares me. I don’t know that I can. I am afraid that if I stop trying to lose weight, it means I am giving up and I am afraid to undo the progress I have made. I feel like it is somehow ‘wrong’ for me to be at the weight I am at and not be ‘trying’ to do something about it.

4. Do you believe that engaging in the endless loops of gaining and losing weight keeps you connected to your friends and family, who are also engaged in the diet-binge cycle?

Yes. I have some friends who share this struggle with me who would be even less ready for me to ‘give up’ than I feel I am myself. It is a nice topic of conversation to have in your pocket to share with others. It is nice to have this common ground to come to and celebrate victories and console defeats. Some of my relationships are solidly bound by the ‘trying.’

5. On page 29, Geneen mentions the UCLA study on the effectiveness of dieting. Among those who were followed for fewer than two years, 83 percent gained back more weight than they had lost. If you were ill and the doctor suggested a cure that would make you worse, would you follow it nonetheless? How does it affect you to see that diets are not a cure?

Practically, this makes sense. What you want me to say is that no, of course I wouldn’t use a cure that I knew would ultimately make me worse, but I’m going to be honest here, so bear with me. I am sick. I would, indeed, take a cure that would make me worse in the future so that I could be thin now and I would hope for the best with my ‘It probably won’t happen to me’ mask strapped on tightly. I have taken diet pills, drank diet tea, taken water pills and prayed for the stomach flu.

Hate me if you want… but let me share this with you as evidence of my sickness: A few years ago, a friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. She was also overweight. As I consoled her regarding her forthcoming chemotherapy, these words actually came out of my mouth: *You should probably know that we had a special kind of relationship and that this kind of thing was a generally acceptable thing to say. I am not really a monster.* “Well, on the bright side the chemo is going to make you really skinny.”

6. On pages 30–31, Geneen writes about a woman who focused on her desire to feel lean and trim rather than feel the loss of the love of her life. She confessed that she "always" gets abandoned, and in her mind being lean enough meant being strong enough to face the feelings she does not want to experience. What have you always believed you will have if you finally lose the weight? What power have you given away to being thin?

I believe that I will love myself more, be beautiful, be acceptable, be able to eat without scrutiny, be able to shop without being judged (by the store staff and by myself) and be taken more seriously by others. I believe that I will have more freedom, more attention, more support and more power as a thinner person. I will have a better sex life, more confidence to do more exciting things, more freedom to do whatever I want to do without the fear of being judged for my physical size.

I have definitely given away my sexual power. I don’t feel sexy. I don’t want to be naked. I have also fully relinquished my ability to do anything I chose that would have required me to wear shorts or a bathing suit or a sexy outfit of any kind (I recently appeared in a swimsuit in La Jolla to go kayaking… with a sundress over.) . I stopped enjoying going out with my husband because none of my ‘go out clothes’ fit anymore and I really didn’t want to buy anything ‘sexy’ in a size 16. I didn’t believe such clothes existed. It has been mortifying. I would rather not go out at all than stand there staring at the closet trying to shine a turd.

7. On page 32, Geneen writes that "women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can’t name." A connection to the sacred, to what they find holy in their lives. If you had to define what is sacred or holy in your life, what would that be? What do you cherish most of all? Can you remember a time when you just the way you are, regardless of your size, was enough?

Peace and stillness are sacred and holy to me. The now. The spark of energy that ignites a life force in a ladybug, a human, a cala lily. A sense of wonder. This is what is holy and sacred to me. I am slowly reclaiming my connection to these things. It is the present moment that I cherish most of all.

I do not remember the last time that just being me was enough. I have had more moments of this feeling recently than any other time in my adult life. Prior to using my body as the reason to feel ‘less than.’ I used my mind, my personality, my clothes and my accomplishments, or lack of, to diminish myself. Over the years, I became prettier, smarter, dressed better, bought nice things and nice cards and got an education and a good job. I started my own business and met goals that I believed to be unattainable. I was an accomplishment junkie and when I had nothing else to hide behind, I got fatter and fatter and then I used this as my disguise.

Holy sh*t. I did it to myself so that I would have something to feel bad about when all of the other reasons slipped away….

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VITASANA 8/30/2010 9:50AM

    This was a great blog! Thanks so much for always being so candid and honest! You are doing such great work! Very proud of you!! I'm going to eventually do these questions but WFG was very tough for me but you're inspiring me to really dig deep! Thanks sunshine! emoticon

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POSITIVE-FORCE 8/25/2010 8:40AM

    I just love that you answers this questions so honestly. I truly need to try answering some of these questions. It really makes your mind active! WAY TO GO KERRI!

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GRACEFULTURTLES 8/24/2010 12:01PM

    1. Agreed. weak too general question. Or maybe my pea brain cannot wrap itself around it.

2. Very interesting hypothesis. I see that perhaps I treat food in a non sacred way and perhaps that could be changed, and in turn change my subconscious and conscious actions towards feeding myself...hmmm

3. Good Lord...exactly my fear. Stopping = Giving Up. Which is not necessarily true. The trick is I guess is to stop dieting and to find that way to make the lasting changes mentally and physically. Did she give answers to that one??? I have to figure it out for myself? sigh...why it can't it be easier?!

6. I have given up a big piece of my self confidence. Not all of it, but definitely that chunk that I had a few years ago when I was 30 lbs lighter. I want it back so bad that it makes me feel desperate when I think about it.

7. I want to cry when I think about it, but my weight and comparing myself to other girls has followed me for a long time. I remember noticing it in the 1st grade and I wasn't even overweight at that point. I am not quite sure what triggered it. I don't remember relatives or friends ever commenting or causing distress over weight and looks, I wasn't excluded from anything because of weight. But the complex somehow found it's way into my 7-8 year old brain. So sad...I think I will have to meditate on that question for a little bit...

I think you have made some excellent progress missy! Keep it up and you will be the picture of perfect physical and mental health and we will have to change your spark name :)

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UNICORN212 8/23/2010 11:18PM

    Very insightful and revealing. Admitting the problem is half the battle. Keep going! emoticon

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NURSEWHO 8/23/2010 10:17PM

    This is amazing. I am so proud of you for digging...shining a light into the shadows and either clearing out or blessing whatever lives there is important. Excellent work!

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BEATRICEBUNNY 8/23/2010 8:04PM

    One of the things that keeps coming out in therapy for me is that my emotional eating is a barometer for my life. I can look at my eating habits and use them as an entry way into what else is going on. I struggle with this idea- that on the one hand my eating is unhealthy and diseased and on the other hand it's a "gift" that let's me know myself better. I have found new insights about myself since I've started approaching my relationship with food this way though.

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DAISYDIVA74 8/23/2010 7:56PM

    Another WONDERFUL blog!!

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KSGROTHE 8/23/2010 7:20PM

    These workshops seem to be a lot of painful, yet necessary, introspection. I think it's very brave of you to post it here on SP in a blog. I have problems opening up like that myself.

You're doing a great job working on the mental aspect of the weight in addition to the eating and exercise aspects! Was that an epiphany at the end of the blog?

Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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STARLIGHT615 8/23/2010 6:20PM

    What a great blog sweetie!! A lot of great information!!

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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/23/2010 5:57PM

    I love that you post this! I admit, I skimmed...it's a lot to read lol. But these are some interesting questions to be addressing. YOu are amazing hunny and I agree....fat really does end up being a disguise! I'm the SAME way!! I hide behind it because I don't like the attention I get when I'm not really big and shy. But you know what, we rock and that just needs to change! I think that I have that same problem...as I get smaller it seems that my walls come down with it and I"m faced with tryign to address the very reasons that got me here in the first place. It's not easy! But I think you are amazing for answering these questions and following your heart and I absolutely positively ADORE you!

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Breakthrough moments?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I've been paying a lot of attention to how I feel when I eat. For example, I try to ask myself the following:
What happens when I put my food on a smaller plate?
What happens when I eat with my hands?
How do I feel when I am physically full?
How do I know when I am really hungry?

I have discovered that boredom and exhaustion are huge triggers for me to want to eat. Unfortunately, the first food that I want at these times is a Snickers bar (damn you Snickers! *shakes fist*). Fortunately, the first food I want at these times is a Snickers bar. Let me explain: By knowing what my triggers are and what I crave when I am 'triggered,' I am now better equipped to know when I am really hungry and when I am just bored or tired. Yesterday, I was almost falling asleep at my desk at work and I was having a huge internal argument about walking up to the vending machine for a Snickers. A little voice inside of me popped up to mediate between Snickers me and Salad me and said 'Well, since we know that Snickers is a trigger food, are we really hungry?' And then Snickers me and Salad me both agreed that we weren't! Imagine that! A truce! So, I got up from my desk, heated some water and made myself a lovely cup of black tea.

I have also realized that when I eat food that includes me to be more involved, such as sushi or nachos, I eat slower and I eat less. I have been conducting something of an experiment with my favorite nachos lately and (this will be a great visual) instead of shoving down the entire box of nachos before I can even breath, I've been sucking the toppings off of the chips, one by one, porn star style. I'm totally getting the satisfaction of the flavors I want, without the added craptasticness, or calories, of the soggy corn chips. Last week, I ate too much and even without the chips, I was done long before I stopped deep throating the toppings. I felt overfull and sick for a good part of the afternoon. Today, however, a remarkable thing happened.

I put the nacho down.

Let me say this again....

I put the nacho down.

It went a little like this -
Snickers Me: OMG NOM NOM NOM
Salad Me: I think we're feeling a little full.
Snickers Me: Who cares... this sh@t is delicious and there isn't that much left. Let's just kill it off!
Salad Me: I don't know. Remember last week when we felt sick and gross all afternoon?
Snickers Me: Nope.
Salad Me: Sure you do... We even rubbed our belly and noted that we felt a little gag impulse from the fullness.
Snickers Me: Hmph. *shoves in another mouthful*
Salad Me: Really... it's time. Back away from the nacho. That was it. You're going to make us sick. Don't be an a$$hole.

**Poof**

That was the poof of the argument ending and me physically closing the box and taking it to the trash.

So, there you have it... confessions of a nacho addict.

Next up: Chili dogs.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHYS_BIZ 8/25/2010 1:10PM

  Love it! This is beautifully written and so relatable! Funny and honest! And soooo true! I will think of you and your voices... and my own voices for that matter, the next time I am tempted. Thanks for sharing!

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GRACEFULTURTLES 8/24/2010 11:41AM

    I love your little voices. I kind of picture the nacho/snickers voice as being raspy and the salad voice as being angelic and light. Am I right? Am I right? What do I win?? :)

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BSTAKINGACTION 8/19/2010 3:08PM

    Very cool. I know slowing down my eating process has really opened my eyes recently. Nice to hear it from someone else, though! Well done.

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SMATHEW 8/19/2010 12:30PM

    Yay! Simple mindfulness while eating is so useful! I'm going to start my own experiments too!

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SOON2BEMCKEE 8/19/2010 11:59AM

  Awesome Blog!

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SUZIEW27 8/19/2010 11:46AM

    What a great blog: Humor and everything. Good for you for learning about yoru triggers. Congrats for putting down the nachos!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 8/19/2010 10:44AM

    You are really funny. Good for you.

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VITASANA 8/19/2010 10:16AM

    That's awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so great that you are realizng what your triggers are and the foods that mean you have been triggered! Porn Star Nachos LOL hehe! :) You are doing AMAZING!!!! This is going to help you so much!!!YAY!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 8/19/2010 10:14AM

    Oh heck yeah!! GO YOU!!! Got me thinking that I definitely need to start paying closer attention to my hunger, triggers, and so forth. And has me a bit excited about going home tonight and see my boyfriend - LOL - not that I have visuals of how you ate the toppings off your nachos or anything. LOLOLOL!!

Have a GREAT day!

- Michelle

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BEATRICEBUNNY 8/19/2010 10:05AM

    That is COMPLETELY awesome!! I actually love Snickers, and they are my go-to vending machine food if I am trapped somewhere and genuinely hungry.

Something I read recently suggested that I treat my emotional eating as a gift. It's a kind of barometer that lets me know that I need to check in with my emotions and see what's up. It sounds like you did exactly that with your Snickers craving. That's amazing! Rock on!

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PELESJEWEL 8/18/2010 11:02PM

    emoticon LOVE this blog!! Get yo po'star on girl! Can't wait for the chili dog blog!

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SHERRY822 8/18/2010 9:10PM

    What an awesome blog ! I never really thought about being happy that I am wanting my trigger food. I will have to re-evaluate myself when I crave potato chips. I don't even really like them, but when I am bored or lonely they are what I want. Thanks for helping me to realize this.

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POSITIVE-FORCE 8/18/2010 6:55PM

    Loved your blog! It's like you have the devil and the angel on each shoulder trying to wage war. That's what this journey seems to be doesn't a war!! GREAT JOB on winning that battle and because you did I know your going to win the WAR!

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KSGROTHE 8/18/2010 6:43PM

    emoticon for figuring out your triggers and recognizing the symptoms (Snickers craving)! And emoticon for stepping away from the nachos before you got uncomfortably full!

Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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WOMANCHEF 8/18/2010 6:27PM

    That was off the charts hilarious! The mental image of porn star nachos was brilliant - thanks for the giggle and congrats on putting them down.

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OFFDREA 8/18/2010 6:06PM

    This is seriously one of the best blogs I have ever read!!!! I know exactly how you feel. and I LOVE that you used nomnomnom. I use it all the time, but now try to keep to to nomnoming on Murphy's ears, not chocolate! (you're a boston lover you won't think its weird hehehe) Snickers are pretty awesome, they are my fave besides Oh Henry. Good for you saying NO to evil snickers you!!!!!


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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/18/2010 5:58PM

    Porn star status! LMFAO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nomnom nom. Ok you are seriously so cute! Don't be an a$$hole. I think you are just awesome Kerri! hahahahahahhaha

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STARLIGHT615 8/18/2010 5:45PM

    OMG that was awesome!! Great blog Sweetie!! I have the same love hate relationship with the Milky Way!!!

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Every action will produce an equal and opposite reaction...

Monday, August 16, 2010

This weekend was strange. It had some fantastic highs and bizarre lows. An old friend came from out of town to visit. I have a very different relationship with this friend. We've been very close at times, and very distant at times, so when she announced that she would be coming to stay with me for a few days, I had some mixed feelings. I love Lola dearly and I was, of course, so glad to see her, but I actually do better with this friend when there is some distance between us, so by the second day, I was ready for some space. It's hard for me to describe my relationship with Lola, but she has always had a strange affect on me. When we spend time together, I always end up feeling completely drained and exhausted, as if she sucks the will to live straight out of my veins. That might sound dramatic, but I can't think of any other way to describe it. I was a little apprehensive of the visit anyway because my life has changed so much since she moved out of state. The changes in my health and weight were some of what concerned me the most as one of our favorite pastimes, historically, was eating and drinking together.

Lola arrived late Thursday night. Things went pretty well. She has gained some weight. Weight has always been an issue for both of us, and she's never really put much effort into changing her situation. She weighs a little over 210 now and is in a size 16-18. I am currently 179 and in a size 12-14. Many times over the weekend, she commented on my eating choices, but she refused to acknowledge the progress I have made health wise. In fact, whenever I tried to talk about it, she would change the subject. Multiple times, she talked about the two of us being the same size and she was totally and completely insulted when she remarked on some pants in my closet that she loved and I offered them to her. I was confused and a little frustrated by all of this, but chalked it up to her inability to accept her own situation. She drank too much on Friday night and then seemed frustrated that I got up early Saturday morning to work and run errands. At 2pm when she got out of bed, she asked me to go and pick up a latte for her and then she announced that she would be staying until Monday morning. This is the demarcation point where the good visit turned bad and I was done.

I can here you thinking 'Why is she blogging about this here?' I guess I just wanted to express my feelings in a forum where I think others might be able to relate. I have a difficult time understanding people who don't support those they love because they can't accept their own situation. My health and weight loss successes are an important part of my life right now. I want to share them with those close to me. I don't want to feel like I have to hide my successes for fear that they might make someone else feel bad about their lack of success. The bottom line is, if you want to change your situation, your going to have to take some kind of action. Resenting my success for the sake of your self worth isn't going to do anything positive for either of us. I would also like to hope that the people who love me can put their own issues with themselves aside in order to celebrate my successes with me and be happy for the positive changes in my life. For most of the weekend, I ended up feeling like I needed to hide who I was and who I was becoming for the sake of keeping someone else happy and content and validating their lack of action. After some of the work I have been doing with WFG (see prior blogs), I don't ever want to feel like I have to hide myself from anyone ever again, but it makes me incredibly sad that someone who I really hoped would support me and be a cheerleader for me seemed to want nothing to do with that part of my life.

I think that we were both surprised when last night, after a long day out and about, I threw on my tennies, announced that I was going running and then trotted out the door to do my C25K run. I did invite her to come along, but ultimately left her on the couch with her book while I went and took care of me for a little while. I won't lie... I looked forward to those 40 minutes out on the road all day long. After all, I am a DONE girl.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEFULTURTLES 8/24/2010 11:38AM

    I may be repeating what someone else has said (honestly the comments are all paragraphs!! too long for me !), but if she is a good friend she will eventually mature and then be a cheerleader.

The key part is the maturation. You are essentially a mirror to her reflecting all of the things that she is displeased with. SO of course she is going to try and sabotage your progress to help quell the dissatisfaction she feels inside.

Everyone makes these decisions at their own pace, but seeing you do it may sparked her, you never know. But now you know you should NEVER compromise your habits just to make someone feel comfortable. Just keeping doin it right!!

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DAISYDIVA74 8/18/2010 4:32PM

    That is right sister you are a DONE girl!! It is just that she is jealous of your progress. She wished it was her but she is not at the place where she is ready to do the work to get there!! I have some friends like that, no matter what they will never say good job. You just have to keep distance between ya'll. Think she is a better long distance friend...lol. And she drains you. That is because you are a awesome person and are going out of your way to try to make her comfortable. That is what us people pleasers do!!! We just have to realize there are no pleasing some people! I am so proud of you for going for your run!!! Some times it is hard but we have to let people go. You rock and are awesome!!!!!

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STARLIGHT615 8/18/2010 12:51PM

    Good for you to staying true to yourself and not faultering even though she was negative towards your great successes!! Kudos to you sweetie! You are a Done Girl thru and thru!

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KARBRUCE 8/16/2010 4:08PM

    Good for you for staying strong. Hopefully your fiend will at some point make some healthy choices for herself.

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BEATRICEBUNNY 8/16/2010 3:35PM

    Change makes some people uncomfortable. As you change your life, friends, even close friends, are going to handle your changes poorly. It was the hardest part of my last large weight loss, and a factor in me gaining all of the weight back. It's good to blog about those encounters, and terrific that you recognize that these are Lola's issues and not your issues. Good job not subverting your life path to old habits and "making nice." That's excellent!

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LOTUSFLOWER 8/16/2010 2:57PM

    You rock, I bet that run felt SO GOOD!!!!

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VITASANA 8/16/2010 2:19PM

    I have sooooo been there and I'm sure it wont be the last time for me. I too have a friend like that. I was secretly happy when I moved back to Miami (we both lived in Orlando while I was in college) because I knew it meant I was free from her in a sense. I really love her but she used to use me as her eating buddy. She was thin, I was not and she knew she could get me by throwing food in my face and when I started to change my habits she always had a snooty look on her face. She would say she was happy for me but would say and act differently. Anyways, I've been up to visit her 3 times. She was pregnant all 3 times which really stressed me out because she was eating a lot at the time and I was worried I wouldn't be able to stand strong to her comments. The first visit was tough .. the second hard .. and the third a lot easier. She even acknowledged my work by the third visit.

I think what's great is that you kept doing what you needed to do to continue to work on your health. I don't think it's weird at all that you blogged about it here because this is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. You're going to change and some people are not going to like it or really know how to deal with it. It might take some time getting used to for them. In the meantime though, you keep working on your health and you are doing great with WFG which is part of what I think kept you strong and focused! Don't worry .. I think you did great and your friend well, hopefully she acts better next time and if not then maybe it's time for a new friend.

Good for you though! I am proud!!! :)

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TUBLADY 8/16/2010 2:06PM

    I know how you feel. I have a friend too. I blogged about it last month. It seems like our friendship was based on hanging out drinking and eating big meals. I have moved to another place, she hasn't, and I want to take her along with me, but shes not ready.
By acknowledging your success your friend admits her failure to address her weight . Shes not ready to do that.
Give her time she might come around. In the mean time distance might give you more peace of mind.
emoticon emoticon

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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/16/2010 2:06PM

    You are a done girl! I have relationships like that too! it's so hard!

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SCOUT1222 8/16/2010 1:47PM

    YES.

I have been extraordinarily lucky that the people closest to me in life are very supportive. But when I'm in a Weight Watchers meeting I hear all sorts of stories about people who are mean, sabotaging and just whatever with their issues. That's when it becomes important for us to be self-confident to be able to put those folks in their places. Sadly, sometimes the person who needs to do this doesn't HAVE the self-confidence because of their weight issues. That's hard to sit and hear about.

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