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Trying to Find My Spark Once Again

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

~Breakdown ahead~

We all fall of the wagon. Because, let's face it, life is tough, and sometimes it sucks. Things get us down and we forget the important things in life.

Recently my knee has been hurting. My mom and Monday's off now. I'm sick.

These are the excuses I am making. Granted in my mind, they are totally valid reasons for my slump. In fact they are more than valid, they are perfectly acceptable.

And that sucks.

My lovely low carb lifestyle has gone out the window in the past few weeks. First it was because I got sick. Like headache and nausea that won't go away sick. I even wen to the doctor. They said it was a sinus infection and gave me some antibiotics. I still felt like crap after following the doctors instructions and taking their pills. So I just have been dealing with it on my own. The nausea comes and goes, and will all nausea the best thing is crackers. And not just any crackers, Goldfish. Seriously it was the only thing I could eat for like three days.

I am also very very tired trying to fight whatever I have off. It is still an infection of some kind, because my snot is neon green somedays, and clear on the others. But I think it is actually allergies that is causing it in the first place. And pair this with work, I am tired and don't feel like cooking any low carb dishes.

And my knee still hurts. I think its the weather changing as well as not being able to wear god shoes at work anymore. My shoes are pretty much shot, with one pair just gone (and it's my favorite pair) and my fancy mancy Non-Skid Work Shoes attempting to take a toe nail off if I wear them. So I am not really in the mood to workout. Though I should just attempt it, but I am so afraid I am going to hurt myself. And lets fancy it, I am so weird, I have to do cardio to even get in to the "hey maybe I can do some strength training without being pissy about it" mood.

Then the big issue. The huge issue. My mom now has Monday off. Which means my two day "me" time is now one day.

She claims I can refuse to go with her, but this is how it plays out.

Mom: "Do you want to come run some errands with me?"
Me: "Not really."
Mom: "Are you sure? You can stay in the car if you like."
Me: "Mom, I don't want to go."
Mom: "Are you sure? It won't take long and I would like to have the company."
Me: "Okay."

After 3 hours of doing nothing, being dragged store to store to store. And I am getting pissy with my mom because I have stuff I want to do by myself. I want to relax, and clean, and do laundry, and watch my stuff, and workout, and...and...and.....

Mom: "Why are you so grumpy?"
Me thinking: Because I have spent the last five days pretending that I like people and always smiling and I just don't want to have to deal with the public or you.

Me: "Because I want to go home now."
Mom: "Well if you didn't want to come you didn't have too."

Me thinking: WTF WOMAN!!!!

And there goes my Monday.

Plus my mom does her laundry on Monday now. And she's like, "I am trying to get it done so you can do yours"....at 7 in the freaking evening! She makes me so made. Forcing me to shop for clothing, WHICH I HATE! Going to hundreds of store were I am forced to smile and make small talk with random strangers, where I really just don't want even get dressed.

I need my two days alone, and NEED THEM. And they are gone and I am getting bitcher and bitcher as weeks and months progress because she is ruining EVERYTHING!

I am tired. I am so tired. And I just want to stop. I want to hide. And it's not like she isn't at home on Mondays. She is making me go with her to stupid places, and she is bugging me to help her do this and that. And the stuff I want to get done around the house, like clean and organize isn't getting done despite her being there because she is more concerned with getting more useless crap out of storage than and cluttering up the island and kitchen I have worked on cleaning than actually doing something important and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I am probably going to be on the news for murdering her, I swear. I can see it now, Young Woman Murders Mother for Making the House a Mess!

I literally cleaned off a chair last night so Phoebe, our cat can sleep there, only to wake up this morning and find it full of wrapping papers.

So I just can't do it. And it is killing me. I can't focus on eating low carb, and I can't focus on working out, because I am so tired and I am so aggravated at everything. And my two days that I really really REALLY need for myself is now one and I am going crazy. I am going crazy.

I just want to break something.

So I am sorry I haven't been around. And I am trying to get back on track. And I have to go because I just really really need to break something now. So being in front of my computer isn't a good thing.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOUL2SHINE79 10/16/2014 9:03AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I understand....you writing this out is very honest, I go through a lot more days like this than the "happy days".... Some days, I wonder if I should be on an anti-depressant? I hope you're feeling better!

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MISSCUS 10/15/2014 1:25PM

    I felt like I was writing this, only about my sister. Sounds like you are going to have to learn how to say NO so you can do things you'd really rather do and get done. The NO word is so hard to say, but you can, and will learn. I agree with the other comment, once Mama is gone, you'll probably wish for the chance to go with her again. Right now, it doesn't seem that way, but one day it will. So maybe go every other week. I'd say to have a chat with her about clutter. But it's hard for older folks to deal with much less realize, that it is just that--clutter.

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USMAWIFE 10/14/2014 9:01PM

    been there done that, but remember one day you are going to miss it when mom is longer with you

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USMAWIFE 10/14/2014 9:00PM

    been there done that, but remember one day you are going to miss it when mom is longer with you

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Monday, September 01, 2014

It's been one month, since I last posted a blog, and things sure have changed.

My mom finally became a regular at the Post Office and now get two days off, Sunday and Monday. Which means my "ME" time is reduced to one day.

This as led my depression to get worse. My knee still hurts, and I haven't been hungry for food, so I have been reaching for crap, because hey eating crappy food is better than not eating at all, right?

The biggest change that has been happened is the issues at work.

Hello, my name is Misha, I am 27 years old, I am a being bullied.


So bad, I almost killed myself on Friday.

You see, this woman that bullies me, is in upper management. And she is a lot like my ex boyfriend. The one that could talk himself out doing something wrong and still make you feel guilty because it's your fault, when you weren't even there. Yup, that kind of person. We have all known a few in our lives, and this woman is one of them.

And she scares the heck out of me because of that. And I am the weak one, the easy one, the easy target, and she loves to see people cry. So she picks and bullies me.

At least the majority of the coworkers on my side. But lets just say, Friday was a bad day. And I might have slipped into old habits. And it's become a mess at work. And I have to deal with all of this crap storm when I got back in on Wednesday. Weeee....NOT. Makes for a fun weekend, dreading going back to work.

I really don't need this job. I don't use the money for anything other than the imaginary pool I see in my future, thus my savings account. I still rely completely on my parents. So why am I staying at a place where I bullied and have reverted back to hurting myself to cope?

I do love the cats.

I don't know what I will be doing in a week from now, but I wanted to let you know that though I do feel like jumping off a cliff, I have yet to do it. And I'm dealing.

And if you have any jobs in the North Austin area available for someone like me, I would so be willingly to switch.

Have a good holiday guys, and hopefully I will be back to the old routine soon enough.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*TRACY* 9/1/2014 6:01PM

    I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time. No job is worth feeling this way. If you stay, please remember that what she does is a reflection of who she is, not who you are.


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GETTING_FIT44 9/1/2014 5:43PM

    HEY!!!! Sounds JUST like my boss. And...well...same exact story.Boyfriend. Parents. Yup. I'm in the same boat. All I can say is get a new job. If you don't need the money (let's face it the pool can wait especially since the season will be over in 2 weeks). I would quit. I almost have, my mom is finally (after 6 months) telling me to quit. But I have bills. I have crap I constantly have to pay for and yet I am always broke and bills are unpaid. Can't quit. I have been hard core looking for a new job for 2 months with no call or emails back. I can say quit, honestly. The money isn't needed and you don't deserve her crap.

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NEPTUNE1939 9/1/2014 5:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Update About Things...

Friday, August 01, 2014

First off, thank you for all your kind words.

I am not doing better, which is why I went AWOL for a while. But I wanted to let you know that I am still around, and still working towards my goal.

So, I guess it was two weeks now. Not last Tuesday, but the Tuesday before, I yet again re-injured my knee. My ankle kind of started hurting, which caused my knee to start hurting, which is never a good thing.

If you have followed me for a while, you know that my knee is a source of issues with me. And the fact that my depression is bad, and now I can't exercise, I am a bit worse than I was.

I tried to exercise on it a week later, but it didn't fly. I guess my shoes broke down to the point of me causing another bone bruise, or maybe I just stepped wrong and didn't realize it until the damage was done. I can still do basic things, but at the risk of not being able to do my cleaning at work, I am not doing much working out.

My little bit of not sleeping well, has got up with me. (Oh, and to Ms. USMAWIFE, I did start taking the magnesium, I don't know if it's working yet though). Now, all I do is sleep. I sleep durning my lunch break, and I rest all night until I can call it quits and sleep at 9:30 or so.

On the up side I am in the 120's now. I weighed in at 129.8 yesterday, and even after eating Taco Bell last night, I weighed in at 129.6 today. I really am not as happy about it as I should be. Maybe because I know I would have been there sooner if I was able to workout. What really bugs me, is all the lovely physical therapy I remember from the multiple times I went through this before, isn't really working.

I can do all it just fine. But ask me to dance or move too much, and nope...pain.

I really loath my knee. Seriously, it's like the bain of my life anymore. Every time I get on track, or I am close to doing something awesome, I hurt it. And it's not my fault really, it's just that the shoes broke down. I need like lifetime shoes. The only time I realize I need to switch shoes is when I hurt myself. Not good.

So, that's life right now. Still depressed and tired. Still losing weight.

Just thought I would let you guys know how it's going.

Hope you are all well. I am off to bed because I didn't get my nap time today.

Nighty night!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POMATOJUICE 8/3/2014 12:13PM

    Knee issues suck! I remember when I hyperextended mine last holiday season, and every time I thought things were great, something little would aggravate it again! I wish you a speedy recovery.

While I'm sorry that you are still working through your depression, I realize it's a long-term thing with it's own ups and downs that you don't always have control over. In the meantime, I'm happy to hear that you are still making an effort at fitness, and still getting out of the house for work. I hope things start to feel better soon!

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RASPBERRY56 8/2/2014 11:18AM

    Sorry you're still struggling........


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Depression Sucks...

Saturday, July 19, 2014

So I had both Wednesday and Thursday off. Friday I was just kinda oh well about things, but hey that happens.

In my attempt to keep my depression at bay, I decided to workout more and keep busy. Well I wore myself out. Thus I haven't slept well the last few nights, and opted out of working out on Friday, even though I had planned to do so.

Today I had to clean at work, which means getting there early. What fun. Not. We got in a ton of cats, mostly smelly kittens when I was away.

I also still haven't been sleeping well. Thus making me lazy. And thinking about stuff. Which is never a good thing. Honestly I just have to make myself not hide in a corner and cry of late. Really sucks too.

I just feel like crap. Mentality, physically, everything. It's like the Winter Blues in summer. It's like PMSing with out the period.

Did I mention I was tired. Yup, I am.

Well I am still keeping at it. Still faking a smile every minute of the day. Still pretending like I am not thinking about stupid dumb things.

And all I want to do is come home and play Skyrim. I don't even drink but I have been craving something the feeling of being "tipsy." And I am so close to being in the 120's (I am officially 130.0 pounds), but I just want to eat all the carbs.

Carbs are like my drug. My high, and lets face it, low carb and carbless things just don't cut it. I guess it's like fake beer for an alcoholic. Sure it might taste okay, but it just doesn't feel the same. Weird I know.

Oh well. Trying to resist the pizza and ice cream. Just say no Misha!

Well that's all for me. I have to go back to work soon. Boo work.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIENRITA 7/23/2014 10:17PM

    sending you a hug and some positive thoughts. emoticon

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STARPESCADO 7/19/2014 9:37PM

    Sending U hugs - U have worked so hard on your journey :)

Hope that you are feeling better :)

U are such an awesome person - I want the best for you!

Sending U some positive vibes & sunshine :)

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SOUL2SHINE79 7/19/2014 4:06PM

    emoticon emoticon

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USMAWIFE 7/19/2014 3:32PM

    emoticon try taking some magnesium before you go to bed. that will help relax you and allow you to slee

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KNEEMAKER 7/19/2014 3:26PM

  Keep on keeping on!!! emoticon

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My Days Off!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Having time off from work is wonderful, but then again, it felt like I worked 8 days straight! Eeek! I technically had Monday off, but it wasn't enough to feel like a break.

Yesterday I worked out and cleaned my sheets. But that was about it for my productiveness. I spent the rest of the day on the couch playing Skyrim. I have really missed that game. It was so nice to relax and not worry about cleaning or work or anything like that.

Of course I should have been cleaning, or unpacking or cooking or SOMETHING! But oh well.

Today I woke up with the hiccups. And well, hiccups have made me fill a bit funny today I guess. I did my Zumba which I kicked b-u-t-t at, but about 5 songs left, I just felt wrong. Like I was going to throw up or something. I tried to do my Bodyrock, but in all honesty, I just really went through the motions and not really worked at it.

I am still nauseous. And my hiccups came back. Grrr.

I was hoping to get some cleaning done, since my mom lunched out the kitchen the other day "unpacking." Seriously taking crap out of boxes just to put in on the countertops is not unpacking. Gosh! She pisses me off sometime. Especially lately, but that's part of the depression. The anger side, as in I want to kill you. Got to love my depression.

But I think since I feel so rotten I might just make some low carb lime bars do the dishes (since I am the only one that does), finish laundry, and play Skyrim.

Oh well. That's my update for now. Tomorrow my schedule goes back to normal, so I will be off on Monday and Tuesday. Wee! Have a good one guys!



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