MIRAJOTOM   11,694
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Having my cake and not eating it, too

Friday, May 07, 2010

So, last night after work I went to a program at the library about cakes--including old recipes, vintage cookbooks, and SAMPLES. Yes, I deliberately signed up for this at the same time I'm trying to cook and eat well. And yes, I probably already have enough favorite cake recipes for every birthday and holiday for the next several years. And no, I didn't have enough foresight to pack a healthy snack in case I didn't have time to get home for dinner. (Note to self: Open the warehouse store case of V-8 and put a few cans in the car) Popular culture would have you believe that all women have a thing about shoes. Really, shoes? Other than a pair of white patent leather loafers that I just HAD to get in eighth grade, I can't remember ever being excited about shoes. But recipes--I can't ever get enough. I can't straighten the magazines at the office without stopping to look at the recipes. And why is it that women's magazines always have covers exclaiming DROP 2 DRESS SIZES BY SUMMER underneath a photo of something covered in whipped cream?

But, getting back to the library (a place I'm always happy to get back to), I sat for an hour with a plate of goodies on my lap and only ate one mini cream-puff. I brought the rest of the plate home for Ken. I can't say I'd have been able to resist if it were dark chocolate or ice cream, but I'm not about to overlook a victory.


feeling vaguely discontented

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

We've had a surprisingly beautiful spring in the Chicago area, my mother's health is better after a crisis this winter, my husband is feeling more like himself, and I find myself feeling uncomfortable and edgy for no apparent reason. I put off so much this winter "until things settle down" but now that "things" have settled, I'm having a hard time getting started. I have a lot of restless energy, but little focus.

Perhaps this discomfort is a necessary prelude to change. Now that the family crises have passed, I have the luxury of determining my goals and that shouldn't be rushed. So I need to figure out how to get myself moving on the day-to-day tasks that have to get done so that I CAN take the time to daydream about how I want my life to be.

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    You know, I find that in a "crisis", I'm usually the calmest person around. As everyone else around is losing their heads, running around in circles or wringing their hands in despair, I'm usually cool, calm and collected--making decisions, working towards solution, calming everyone down even as I deal with the situation.

And once the crisis has passed, then I fall apart. I mean, I can come completely unglued. It's like I know I can't feel and think at the same time, so during the crisis, it's more important for me to be able to think so I turn off my emotions. I operate purely on brain power. And when the situation is remedied, and life is smooth again, and everyone's fine, then I get on edge and nervous--and all the feelings that I "turned off" begin to surface. I don't always make the connection, though, and wonder why I'm feeling this way when everything's fine.

Maybe some of that is going on with you.

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NANASNOW 5/4/2010 12:39PM

    I think that as women who take care of so many other people, when it is time to take care of us, we usually don't know how to start over! You will figure it out! Just make sure you let others know you are worth this change! One thing to remember, even when things are unsettled, you still can Spark! This is a great place! I wish you well on your journey!
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