Friday, August 19, 2011
I feel like I've been running in place for at least 2 years. My weight has been bouncing around the same 5-8 lb range, except for one horrible week when my mom was gravely ill and I forgot to eat for several days and dropped 5 lbs in a week. Thankfully, mom recovered (we will be celebrating her 90th birthday this fall) and I started behaving normally again. I'm self aware enough to know that I need to focus on my weaknesses-- portion sizes and absent-minded munching-- but it's so much more fun to track the things I'm good at like exercising and eating a healthy breakfast. Actually planning lunches and dinners for the week is WORK, and measuring portions feels very alien. I'm happy and comfortable in the kitchen, and the grocery store is my favorite place to shop, so why would I do something that makes me feel awkward? I realize that if I want to lose weight I have to live with the discomfort until portion size and meal planning become habits. And until then, I'm just running in place.
Friday, May 06, 2011
I'm working on the Spring Challenge, and I noticed that this is the 4th time I've restarted the spark program in the past 5 years. Looking at it another way, I've been on this journey for the past 5 years with periodic lapses and recommitments. fortunately, I've never smoked, but I've read many times that most people who successfully stop smoking make several attempts before they can stop permanently.
I've decided to look at this process as a dress rehearsal. Each time I start, I fix some mistakes (probably make some new ones), and gradually improve my performance. I don't know when my "opening night" will be, but I'm satisfied if I can keep up with my rehearsals.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
The other day I listened to an interview with the author of a book about the North Korean famine of the 1980's. She had interviewed about a dozen defectors about their experiences. All of them had spoken about the first time they encountered a dead body-often they had ridden a bus or a train and a fellow passenger had died of starvation on the journey. The saddest was a kindergarten teacher. She said that normally if one child died, she and the other teachers would have gone to the family home to try to help, but all the children were dying. They fell asleep at their desks, and then stopped coming to school because they were too weak, and then because they had died.
I can't get that image out of my head. A friend made lasagna for us last night, and I couldn't fit the leftovers in my freezer because it was too full. I wonder how many kindergarteners I could keep alive for a week, a month, from the contents of my refrigerator and freezer.
Tonight, after work I will probably spend at least 5 minutes with my head in the refrigerator deciding what to cook for dinner. If we work late my husband will come home and start nibbling, because he's "starved." My kids will come home for the holiday weekend, peek into the freezer and lament that "there's nothing to eat." We struggle with plenty.
I can't correct the terrible inequalities and injustices of the world, but I need to find something to even the scales just a little bit.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why do I have such a hard time drinking water? My father always had a glass of water at each meal, but I struggle to get 4 glasses a day, barely half of what I should drink. It sounds silly to say I don't like the taste. When I go out to eat (which is infrequent) I do usually drink a glass of water while I'm waiting for my entree. I need to find a way to get into the habit of drinking more water at home. I should set the table for dinner , including water glasses, before I leave for work. That would certainly look better than the rubble of crumpled napkins and junk mail usually cluttering my kitchen table. (Yes, I'm a sloppy housekeeper). I generally come home and cook dinner--maybe I could take off my shoes and enjoy a glass of ice-water at my prettily set table before I hit the stove. Perhaps a few minutes of gracious living daily will carry over to the rest of my household.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sometime in the last few weeks I must have tumbled through the rabbit hole with Alice and, as the Red Queen explained, I have to go faster and faster just to stay in one place. I've done my cardio and weight work, watched my food intake, and the scale just keeps boincing back and forth between the same 3 lbs. I can handle staying here at this weight. I have clothes that look good (or, more importantly, that make ME believe that I look good), my blood pressure, resting pulse and cholesterol are good, and I'm proud of my muscles (and vain enough to be thrilled when anyone else notices them). But I can't stop myself from thinking "I'm doing everything right and not losing, if I slack off, even a little, HOW BIG WILL I GET?"
I remind myself over and over that success is the process, that people don't love me--and I don't love them--for a number on a scale, but the Red Queen is still tugging my arm and yelling "faster" over her shoulder.
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