Sunday, November 14, 2010
I have had this program sitting on a shelf for a few months now, the plan was to start right after Insanity. Well, that was in March and this is November. I obviously got derailed... ;) So the months went by and somehow I find myself 2 pounds heavier and on the verge of being one pant size larger. Oh, HELL NO.
I am running 100 kilometers a month, strength training twice a week and THIS is what I get? My body has issued a challenge and I'll be damned if I back down. Nuh-uh, not going to happen.
So, I am going to have some before photos taken tomorrow, and yes, that's going to be embarrassing, but I am still doing it. And then I will move on to day 4 of P90X - yoga. Umm, yeah. I'm no friend of yoga. I have been to a few classes and let's just say that I am not, in any way, shape or form, bendy.
These first three workouts have been fun, though. First it was chest & shoulders and I was using too light weights and didn't really feel challenged. I will look into buying heavier weights, in the meantime I will be using bands. Yesterday I did plyometrics and while it was nowhere near as hard as Insanity's plyo, it was still a good workout. Today was arms & shoulders done entirely with bands and OH YES, they work! I am so fricking tired and my arms are trembling. I like it! :) So as not to feel like a complete wuss, I did an Ab Ripper X workout right after.
I am going to be feeling this tomorrow, which I am sure will make my yoga that much more graceful and elegant. Yep.
I am committed to this 90 day program and it feels good. Hopeful, somehow. Bring on the yoga!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Yesterday I replied to a blog post by one of my favourite SparkPeople members, Sandiegojohn. A simple task: say something good about yourself. Not a problem, I can do that. A whole list, in fact. www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
But this blog entry got me thinking. Am I sabotaging my own weight loss? Let me think this through...
Without going into tedious childhood details, I grew up knowing that I had a lot of expectations pinned on me, both from those around me, but mostly from myself. I needed to be better, look better, do better, achieve more, read more, learn more. More than who? Well, that fact has never been established. Whether it's a competition against myself or others is irrlevant in the end, the point is that there was always more to strive for. Which can be a very good thing, indeed. Unless it comes with a ton of insecurities and doubts.
The fact remains that no matter what I do in life I am not satisfied with it. I feel that I am a disappointment to myself, to my parents, to my teachers, well, pretty much anybody.
Nothing I do, or am, ever feels QUITE good enough.
My grades were never quite good enough, although they got me into the best university in the country. My SAT score (or rather, the Swedish equivalent thereof) placed me in the top 2 % of the nation, but it should have been in the top 1 %. I have two university degrees, yet I am writing a thesis for a third (for a law degree, in lieu of a masters in poli sci and a BA in Slavic languages), because two is just not QUITE good enough. I have contemplated applying for a PhD position, although heaven knows I don't want to, but I also don't want to be the only freaking failure in the family without a doctor title pinned to their name, be it an MD or PhD. I ran a half marathon for the second time a few weeks ago, yet not for a single second did I enjoy the accomplishment, instead I was berating myself for the crappy time. When asked about the race, my answer has been "well, I didn't do so well, but there's always next time, right?" When accomplishing something I've been working on, like running a certain distance, or finishing a project for work, I don't take the time to celebrate. Why should I since I could have finished faster, or better - in fact I SHOULD have done so. It's expected. So I grind me teeth, take an aspirin for the ensuing headache, and wonder what is wrong with me.
The point I am trying to make, albeit laboriously, is that it is quite possible that my weight loss is affected by this too. I should never have gained all this weight to begin with, so obviously THAT is a defect (yes, that is sarcasm), oh well, there were mitigating circumstances - fine, get over it. Why is it taking me this long to shed these kilos? Is it possible that I am sabotaging myself?
I get an ulcer every time I need to write a thesis, I get anxiety attacks when I need to speak in public (although I have gotten better in this regard; practice does make perfect, who'd have thought? ) and I often find myself making excuses, finding ways to get out of these situations. Is it not then feasible that I am sabotaging my weight loss so that I never have to admit that I have failed to reach a goal that won't be good enough anyway? I know it sounds warped, but then you've never resided in my head, thank goodness. ;) It's like avoiding to write this damn thesis, because if I finish it everyone will see that it's not good enough. Avoiding to lose the weight saves me from facing a result that won't be good enough.
See the similarities? I do. And I don't like it.
I know that I have good qualitites, I KNOW. But they're not quite good enough. I could be a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife or mother. I could have a more successful career, more money, nicer home. And maybe I should. But why isn't what I am, what I've got, good enough?
I would say that I am reasonably happy person. I love my family, I've got my health, I lack for nothing materialistic.
When will I stop and tell myself that I deserve it, that I am good enough, that people won't wake up one day and find me a terrible disappointment and want nothing to do with me?
Maybe if that day comes then I won't worry about ulcers, panic attacks, weight loss plateaus. Have I been focusing onthe symptoms, not the cause all this time?
I wonder if it could be this easy. As easy as saying "enough already". I AM good enough. I am doing well enough. Is the realization itself key to this or am I missing something?
Is this the moment I start thinking that I am not educated enough in psychology and maybe I need a fourth degree?
No. I am good enough.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
This is the last day of September. Oh my, it has flown by.
Same weight - 78 kilos
Body fat percentage - 30% (yuck)
ST sessions - 7
Running - 86.5 k
Races - Stockholm Half Marathon, 2:22:45
Overall I feel pretty good about the month. I didn't have any specific goals, except to run 100 k, which didn't quite happen. Scale hasn't moved, no huge surprise there. I haven't been as good about food as I should have been. There has been some ice cream, a wee bit of chocolate, a cookie or two, even one - gasp! - pizza. Most days I stay well within my calorie range, but I think I may need to tinker a bit with the ratio between carbs, protein and fat.
It's been a busy month, with parent-teacher meetings at my kids' daycare, some traveling, birthday parties, a lot of overtime at work, a half marathon, and taking care of sick kids. You know, just normal "life" stuff, but still things that have caused this month to race by me at hyper speed. I need some time to just breathe, check my navel for lint, mindlessly play with the buttons on the TV remote, or even just watch a movie with my husband. A date night would be nice, haven't had one in years. Literally.
I need to formulate a specific plan for October, I know that I perform better when I know what I expect of myself. My husband will be gone in Geneva half of the month, so I know that my time will be even more spoken for and if I want to meet my goals then all activities need to be carefully planned.
There's nothing like a challenge to get my competitive nature in gear!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I have seen quite a few people do this over the past few weeks. I don't know if it is because they fell off the wagon during the summer or just feel inclined to equate fall with a new start. For me it's the latter.
There's just something about the clear, crisp air, the leaves starting to turn, temps dropping, more frequent rains that makes me feel energized, ready to tackle new challenges and new goals.
So, I have re-set my ticker to start from today's weight, I have updated my page a little, and I have set new goals for myself (both long term and short term) and I feel that I have renewed my commitment to achieve health and fitness.
I even joined a challenge team! I haven't been a part of one since last year, but it feels right and motivating. The goal is to lose 5 % of your weight in 8 weeks. Doable, for sure. To get there I plan to increase my cardio a little, from the current 3-4 days a week to 5-6 days a week. I also want to keep up the twice weekly strength training. And, as always, I need to stay within my calorie range and be more consistent about making good food choices.
Here's to an exciting fall season! May it bring with it only good things!
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
We're well into May already and I've had time to reflect on the successes and failures I had in April.
1. Chalean extreme - well, I started the program and kept at it for two weeks, but realized that I didn't like it. At all. I didn't like the wussy pace of the training, I didn't like the instructor and her too perky attitude and then it becomes hard to motivate myself to stay with the program.
I switched to Insanity. Again. I figured I already knew I loved this program, Shaun T motivates me to work harder and I knew I had decent results doing this the first time around. I am now on day 5 of the program and I'm having fun with it. I plan to do about 4 workouts a week.
2. Running. It's going wonderfully. I finished my rehab program (for the hip injury I had in the winter) and I am now running 3 times a week, about 7K each time.
3. Pushup challenge. I will be on week 4, day 3 tomorrow and it's going really well. It's harder than I could have imagined, but yesterday I managed to crank out a total of 140 pushups, with the last set consisting of 36 freaking reps. It just about killed me, but I did it. I don't know if I'll have to repeat a week or two before I'll be able to do 100 pushups without pause, but if that's the way it will be, then fine. As long as I get there.
4. Food. I have been fairly consistent with staying within my calorie range. And for about a week I did an awesome job with the 40/40/20 plan. And then it became too hard to eat that much protein. I just couldn't do it. I was craving carbs like you wouldn't believe. I had a binge night, where I was stuffing my face with musli like it was going out of style and that made me realize that the plan was too harsh for me. I do try to eat less carbs, whenever possible. I limit my intake of pasta, potatoes, and rice, but don't exclude it altogether anymore. But my diet is more of a 50/25/25 division now, which isn't what I wanted. We'll see.
So. Mostly I've done okay. No weight loss to show for it, though.
78 kilos. Huge disappointment.
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