Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I've been trying for a month to get my eating under control. And I've failed.
I'm still 20 pounds up and if I don't do something fast, none of my clothes will fit anymore.
I feel horrible. I know it's the body's natural reaction to want to gain the weight back. I know to some extent it really is out of my conscious control. I still feel like a failure, and that makes me want to eat more.
What I'm doing wrong:
1. Too many snacks. I eat a couple of muffins with my coffee when I get to work, hummus and pretzels as a mid-morning snack, I sneak down to the vending machine for candy mid-afternoon, and snack after snack after dinner.
2. I'm not sticking to the plan. I have a good, healthy diet planned. And I feel free to go off-plan whenever, which is usually a couple of times a week. Pizza is not on the plan. Neither is ice cream.
3. I confuse binge eating with treating myself. There's nothing wrong with a treat now and then. But every day? No. Several times a day? No. All evening? No.
4. I don't weigh myself, because I know I won't like what I see. Denial only works until my clothes are too tight - TODAY. I couldn't wear the pants I wanted to wear because they were too tight. Six months ago they were too loose.
5. I hide food, and sneak it. I hide food wrappers. I get a sick trill from it. Look at me! I'm being bad! Ha, ha! Nobody knows. Really, everyone knows. They've noticed I'm gaining weight again. My husband has noticed. My coworkers have noticed. I'm not fooling anyone.
Every day I say to myself: Today will be different. And I disappoint myself.
I know what to do. I know what to eat. I know how to live right. And I'm doing it. I'm exercising. I'm eating healthy foods.
But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat.
I feel like crying writing all this down. I hate admitting my failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling out of control.
So, in order to feel good, I need to write a new script. Treaties and snacks do not make me feel good. Binging does not make me feel good. Eating healthy food and exercising makes me feel good.
I feel great when my clothes fit right. I feel great when I have plenty of vitamins from healthy food. I feel great enjoying fun activities like hiking and cycling. This is what is satisfying and fulfilling. This is the course that will bring me to a better place in the long term, and in my daily life. This is the course that makes me feel good about myself.
I don't need to wait til tomorrow. I am changing RIGHT NOW. I'm committing to eating my lunch and my apple, and nothing else until dinner. Doing just this and nothing else different is a WIN. I can do it. I must.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Yesterday got a nice surprise after work: the berry plants I ordered were delivered! So I ditched my work clothes and got motivated.
We now have fifty (50) strawberry plants, three blueberries, three raspberries, and three blackberries getting soaked in by today's rain.
It might take until next year for us to get a good crop, but when we do we'll be rich in berries!
I'm hoping to get the rest of the garden established this weekend: tomatoes, eggplant, beans, squash, peppers and herbs. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.
It's funny, once I decided I wasn't going to binge any more and that I was going to turn things around, I'm not feeling the impulse to binge any more. It could be that the lack of impulse facilitated the change rather than the other way around, but I'm not going to question it too deeply.
Monday, April 22, 2013
After Friday's chaos, we turned off the tv and got back to normal. Spent Saturday moving 5 yards (about 6 tons) of soil from the driveway where the landscaping company dropped it off to the backyard for our new raised vegetable beds.
Then went out to a concert and dinner in Watertown. It still seemed quiet and subdued the day after. I had salad for dinner.
Sunday we went hiking, an 8-mile hike at Mt Wachussett. It was gorgeous and clear, cool and no bugs. Terrific hiking weather. It felt good to work out the kinks from all the garden work on Saturday. I was very conscious of my legs - both glad I was back to normal after last year's car accident and grateful to have both my legs and not be wondering if I'd ever walk again like the survivors of the marathon blasts.
And of course, after a very active weekend making good food choices? The scale? Up 2 pounds from Friday. Welcome to Monday.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Things are absolutely insane here in the Boston area. Whole cities are on lockdown, neighborhoods are being evacuated, no public transportation, no taxi service, all within a few miles of my house. My work's closed, and our city is asking us to stay home and off the streets.
The suspect they're looking for is a kid, 19 years old and heartbreakingly normal looking. Yet he's clearly very dangerous, armed with guns and explosives.
I want to turn off the tv and get away from it, but I also want to know the moment he's captured or dead and we're safe.
The stress is intense, and of course it's making me want to eat. Not gonna fall into that trap. In a few minutes I'm going to hop on my bike trainer and watch Dr. Who to give myself a break from all this.
Yesterday worked out ok, with the gum substitute for my missing apple snacks. Went to a vigil with my running club at Town Hall. Kept me busy until I was too tired to eat.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Don't they know all that stress is bad for our health? Sorry to be joking about it, but I'm feeling maxed out worrying about friends and family this week.
I'm grateful my biggest crisis today is that I forgot to bring my snacks to work with me today. I usually pack two apples - one to eat mid-morning and one to eat mid-afternoon. I'm always hungry and eager for my snacks.
I'm worried if I go over to the cafe across the street to buy a couple of apples I'll come out with a bagel or a muffin too.
I think my best strategy is to have a piece of gum at my usual snack times. That will give my mouth something to chew on and (hopefully) distract me from lack of apples.
I'll report back how it turns out.
I learned a coworker's son is in the hospital from shrapnel injuries from Monday's explosions at the marathon.
Otherwise, today is a good day. I feel like I'm making progress. I'm wearing a springlike outfit and that's cheering me up.
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