MINIDRIVER63   11,953
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I feel like such a failure

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I've been trying for a month to get my eating under control. And I've failed.

I'm still 20 pounds up and if I don't do something fast, none of my clothes will fit anymore.

I feel horrible. I know it's the body's natural reaction to want to gain the weight back. I know to some extent it really is out of my conscious control. I still feel like a failure, and that makes me want to eat more.

What I'm doing wrong:
1. Too many snacks. I eat a couple of muffins with my coffee when I get to work, hummus and pretzels as a mid-morning snack, I sneak down to the vending machine for candy mid-afternoon, and snack after snack after dinner.
2. I'm not sticking to the plan. I have a good, healthy diet planned. And I feel free to go off-plan whenever, which is usually a couple of times a week. Pizza is not on the plan. Neither is ice cream.
3. I confuse binge eating with treating myself. There's nothing wrong with a treat now and then. But every day? No. Several times a day? No. All evening? No.
4. I don't weigh myself, because I know I won't like what I see. Denial only works until my clothes are too tight - TODAY. I couldn't wear the pants I wanted to wear because they were too tight. Six months ago they were too loose.
5. I hide food, and sneak it. I hide food wrappers. I get a sick trill from it. Look at me! I'm being bad! Ha, ha! Nobody knows. Really, everyone knows. They've noticed I'm gaining weight again. My husband has noticed. My coworkers have noticed. I'm not fooling anyone.

Every day I say to myself: Today will be different. And I disappoint myself.

I know what to do. I know what to eat. I know how to live right. And I'm doing it. I'm exercising. I'm eating healthy foods.

But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat.

I feel like crying writing all this down. I hate admitting my failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling out of control.

So, in order to feel good, I need to write a new script. Treaties and snacks do not make me feel good. Binging does not make me feel good. Eating healthy food and exercising makes me feel good.

I feel great when my clothes fit right. I feel great when I have plenty of vitamins from healthy food. I feel great enjoying fun activities like hiking and cycling. This is what is satisfying and fulfilling. This is the course that will bring me to a better place in the long term, and in my daily life. This is the course that makes me feel good about myself.

I don't need to wait til tomorrow. I am changing RIGHT NOW. I'm committing to eating my lunch and my apple, and nothing else until dinner. Doing just this and nothing else different is a WIN. I can do it. I must.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGE4FIT 6/2/2014 8:57AM

Revisit this blog-you have identified some key opportunities for making changes-one at the time :) Many of us are in your same place. Thank you for writing down the confession I needed to make. Working with you from afar on the same goals!
We can do this!!

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MARLINDA5 5/31/2013 10:58AM

    Know how you feel - after a certain age - for me it has been so difficult to lose the weight.

You are now focus and you can go forward. Bring your own snacks to work and it will get better. Also have good snacks at home and don't have anything you are not suppose to eat at home.

We are here to help you emoticon emoticon

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AMBER281 5/29/2013 1:54PM

    I've been going through the same thing.

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ADELE66 5/23/2013 4:09AM

    I have been going through exactly,... and I mean EXACTLY....the same thing recently. Really struggling with the food/binge addiction. All I can recommend what I am doing to hang in there....

* Keep tracking food and exercise... no matter what!
* Get rid of the negative words. All the talk of failure and the self criticism feeds into the self loathing/emotional eating cycle. Have some compassion for yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever do, and you are still doing your best, give yourself some love and credit.
* Keep a log of your feelings with relation to food. Try and spot the triggers to wanting a binge.
* Remind yourself of how physically and emotionally bad you feel after binging and how great you feel when you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
* Keep posting on Spark... getting support from others who know what you are going through.

Good luck!


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NOREGRET2010 5/22/2013 4:54PM

    you know, I'm not sure I agree with the word failure. Failure, to me, equates "all or nothing thinking". Health, weight loss....well, all or nothing thinking has bit me in the behind more times than I can think.

That said, I'm at exactly the same place you are - UNHAPPY. mad at myself. feeling a little hopeless. But I'm trying. You are trying.

Let's try together. PM me if you want a buddy to work on accountability and suppor. Hugs emoticon

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HILLSLUG98239 5/22/2013 4:29PM

    It's not failure, it's a setback. You've already diagnosed what you're doing wrong. That's a big part of the battle.

I have some of the same issues you do in that I have very little self-control. If I start craving something, it's almost impossible for me to not eat it if it's readily available. Fortunately, most of the stuff in the the vending machine is stuff I can ignore.

I've started taking several pieces of fruit to work with me. I eat one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I've also added a cup of non-fat plain yogurt, sweetened with light agave syrup, with flaxseed and 1/2 cup granola. I eat this between 3 & 4 in the afternoon. (I ride my bike home, so I need to have most of that out of my belly before I start.) I find I'm getting far fewer I MUST HAVE THIS RIGHT NOW cravings at work. And 500 calories in snacks is a lot, but they're loaded with nutrients. Potato chips are just loaded with fat and salt.

Most afternoons, I also have about an ounce of dark (70-85% cacao) chocolate. When I'm tempted to have more, I remind myself that the next serving will not taste as good as the first.

I hope there's a snack regimen like this that can help you. But I also know that if you have a trigger food, it's hard (if not impossible) to eat it in moderation.

I think it's great that you know you love how you feel when you're hiking or cycling. It seems like you know what to do, but (like me) you have a hard time doing it. I understand!

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STRONG_SARAH 5/22/2013 1:35PM

    "But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat."

Print out this paragraph. Make several copies. Fold it up and put it in your pocket. Do you have a timer on your phone or watch? Set multiple timers if you can to go off EVERY two hours that you are awake. Every time the timer goes off take this paper out of your pocket and read it. Put a copy in your drawer at work, your purse, your fridge, your car. Stuff one in your sock if you must!

Sounds crazy, right? It's what I did to stop smoking and it works! Do whatever you have to do to break the addiction.

Good luck!

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STEPHANIE302013 5/22/2013 11:32AM

    you've got it all out in the open now - you know exactly where your plan didn't work and you have made the choice to change - that is the first step.

You can do this. When you feel like sneaking down to the vending machine - go get a drink of water. When you want to snack after dinner - ask hubby to go for a walk with you!

You will succeed!!

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Berries are in!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Yesterday got a nice surprise after work: the berry plants I ordered were delivered! So I ditched my work clothes and got motivated.

We now have fifty (50) strawberry plants, three blueberries, three raspberries, and three blackberries getting soaked in by today's rain.

It might take until next year for us to get a good crop, but when we do we'll be rich in berries!

I'm hoping to get the rest of the garden established this weekend: tomatoes, eggplant, beans, squash, peppers and herbs. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.

It's funny, once I decided I wasn't going to binge any more and that I was going to turn things around, I'm not feeling the impulse to binge any more. It could be that the lack of impulse facilitated the change rather than the other way around, but I'm not going to question it too deeply.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMBER281 4/30/2013 5:28PM

    Yum! I love berries.

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TIKITAMI 4/23/2013 3:59PM

My mom always had blueberries in her yard and a freezer full of them. I used to think as I got older I would start to like gardening, that it was something older people liked. I'm older and still waiting to like gardening. Good for you for being able to grow a garden, I have so much admiration for people that have that passion.


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ARNETTELEE 4/23/2013 3:37PM

  Glad you get to plant berries.... have a berry nice day!

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Getting back to normal

Monday, April 22, 2013

After Friday's chaos, we turned off the tv and got back to normal. Spent Saturday moving 5 yards (about 6 tons) of soil from the driveway where the landscaping company dropped it off to the backyard for our new raised vegetable beds.

Then went out to a concert and dinner in Watertown. It still seemed quiet and subdued the day after. I had salad for dinner.

Sunday we went hiking, an 8-mile hike at Mt Wachussett. It was gorgeous and clear, cool and no bugs. Terrific hiking weather. It felt good to work out the kinks from all the garden work on Saturday. I was very conscious of my legs - both glad I was back to normal after last year's car accident and grateful to have both my legs and not be wondering if I'd ever walk again like the survivors of the marathon blasts.

And of course, after a very active weekend making good food choices? The scale? Up 2 pounds from Friday. Welcome to Monday.



Friday, April 19, 2013

Things are absolutely insane here in the Boston area. Whole cities are on lockdown, neighborhoods are being evacuated, no public transportation, no taxi service, all within a few miles of my house. My work's closed, and our city is asking us to stay home and off the streets.

The suspect they're looking for is a kid, 19 years old and heartbreakingly normal looking. Yet he's clearly very dangerous, armed with guns and explosives.

I want to turn off the tv and get away from it, but I also want to know the moment he's captured or dead and we're safe.

The stress is intense, and of course it's making me want to eat. Not gonna fall into that trap. In a few minutes I'm going to hop on my bike trainer and watch Dr. Who to give myself a break from all this.

Yesterday worked out ok, with the gum substitute for my missing apple snacks. Went to a vigil with my running club at Town Hall. Kept me busy until I was too tired to eat.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIKITAMI 4/23/2013 4:00PM

I am so sorry that your city went through this.

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First, things need to stop exploding

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Don't they know all that stress is bad for our health? Sorry to be joking about it, but I'm feeling maxed out worrying about friends and family this week.

I'm grateful my biggest crisis today is that I forgot to bring my snacks to work with me today. I usually pack two apples - one to eat mid-morning and one to eat mid-afternoon. I'm always hungry and eager for my snacks.

I'm worried if I go over to the cafe across the street to buy a couple of apples I'll come out with a bagel or a muffin too.

I think my best strategy is to have a piece of gum at my usual snack times. That will give my mouth something to chew on and (hopefully) distract me from lack of apples.

I'll report back how it turns out.

I learned a coworker's son is in the hospital from shrapnel injuries from Monday's explosions at the marathon.

Otherwise, today is a good day. I feel like I'm making progress. I'm wearing a springlike outfit and that's cheering me up.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RASPBERRY56 4/18/2013 10:40AM

    Couldn't agree with you more - things need to STOP exploding, indeed......and jobs need to STOP vanishing! (That's my "hot button" issue!)


I've never been a fan of gum - I've seen so much rude and inappropriate behavior on the part of gumchewers wrt handling the substance that it actually grosses me out to even talk about it! All that being said, I agree with AKATHLEEN5 on getting something more substantial.....although if you didn't run out of your apples, it probably wouldn't have been an issue in the first place! I have resorted to keeping nicely hydrated by having a water source nearby, or taking a break or two at a water cooler/fountain, when I feel myself feel light-headed and/or peckish (although this morning I had some rice cakes with melted cheese as I was dragging quite a bit)......

I hope your coworker's son recovers quickly!

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AKATHLEEN54 4/18/2013 9:15AM

    I think you should try to find something more substantial to snack on other than gum. I'm afraid that will make you hungrier if not now, later and then you really will want to eat something that is not on your plan. Be strong and look those muffins in the eye like you would face the "enemy" AND JUST SAY NO!! You can do it.
Prayers for your coworkers son and all the victims in Boston. We as a country need to stay strong. emoticon

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