MIMAWELIZABETH   259,018
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Super Bowl Sunday - Letter to Scott

Friday, February 04, 2011




Hi Scott... it's going to be Super Bowl Sunday again. I can't believe it will be three years since I last saw you! I remember every minute of that day: you BBQing platters of meat on your patio, the delicious potluck spread, and dozens of friends gathered in your living room watching the game on your brand-new HD TV.

Remember when you asked who everyone was cheering for, and every single one of us said "The Giants!"? Then you asked, "Are you actually rooting FOR the Giants, or is it more 'anyone is better than the Patriots'?" I still laugh telling this story: every one of us shouted... NOT the Patriots! You were in your element as host.

Most of all, I remember deciding to leave at half-time, because DH had to go to work at 4am, and we faced a long drive home. Plus, it was crowded; we'd give up our chairs, so more of your friends could sit down. I went to tell you, and you tucked me under your arm and pulled me against your chest, hugging me tight.

I still remember how that felt... and how we stood together hugging, talking, saying "see you soon." You said you'd come up and spend a whole Saturday with me as soon as you could, probably in a couple of weeks. I remember hugging you much longer than usual, feeling SO blessed and grateful to be your Mom!

We ended our conversation as we always did. I don't know if you said it first and I answered, or I said it first and you answered, and it doesn't matter. We'd say it either way, whatever came naturally... so "I love you" were our final words to each other that day. We hugged again, laughed and kissed, and I went home.

I don't know WHY thinking about and trying to plan for this year's Super Bowl is SO much harder than the last two years! Something is drawing these sad emotions out of me - I don't even feel motivated to try faking a party mood. I'm definitely going to watch the game, though - and think of you, Scott, with a smile!

So who are YOU rooting for this year, kiddo?! I'm thinking you'd choose the Packers, the rookie underdogs, over the know-it-all Steelers (I'll be cheering for Green Bay). Maybe you could swing by and give me a sign, a nudge, a bit of understanding about what's going on in my head this year?!

I MISS YOU, Scott!!!
Love always, Mom ~ emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GIA_ROSY 5/23/2013 1:15PM

    May all the loving memories of your handsome son Scott, comfort you in your sorrow.
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LYNMEINDERS 3/2/2013 8:45PM

    Awesome letter....

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AMBERLEIGHM1 1/27/2012 11:19PM

    You wrote such a wonderful and heartwarming blog about your son and your love for each other, I was blessed to read it. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my thoughts.

I lost my only child, Adam, almost 6 years ago when he was 11 and the first years were very difficult but I found my way out of the whole with a lot of support from here and support from my grief family and I love life now. If you need support in any way, please feel free to send me a sparkmail or write on my page.

I hope you have a great weekend and have enjoyed this challenge as much as I have. Peace and Blessings

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JETTANALA 3/4/2011 1:24AM

    Elizabeth, you do know that Scott was influencial in My Packers Winning this year. Thanks for allowing me to share in this personal loving memory. You are a very strong lady and your Scott is by your side with you tucked under his arm, more often that you even know.

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MUVFASTA 2/25/2011 3:41AM

    Thanks so much for sharing this blog. My heart goes out to you. I lost a child myself but she was only 6 months old. You were blessed to have Scott. He seemed like a fine young man. Take care my friend.

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CAZ5346 2/20/2011 8:48PM

    Elizabeth, I came over to your page because you had left me a note,
When I saw the heading Super Bowl of course I had to read that one first. Yay!! the Packers did win. My heart goes out to you for all you have gone through in your life. I hope you don't mind but I'd like to add you as
a friend. emoticon
Carol

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MINNA72 2/20/2011 5:48AM

    Elizabeth,
reading this was hard. It made me cry. Maybe because I just watched your eulogy to Scott and was already quite emotional. Losing one of my kids is the biggest fear I have, so I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of your pain.

Scott seemed like a really life-affirming, happy guy, centered around family and friends. And so handsome, too. The picture you painted of him in this letter to him was so vivid, so loving.

Big hugs to you.

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IRISHEI 2/10/2011 9:12AM

    Elizabeth,
Thanks for sharing so much of your life with us at Spark. All the best to you today and always.
I read your blog and am so SORRY for your great loss of your son Scott.
I saw the video on your discussion thread. It was a great and wonderful video for him. Whatever happened, it is so sad. You will be in my prayers and I will be thinking of you. I know you have an angel above now in heaven, watching over you and I am sure he is with you in your heart forever. My heart goes out to you.
I know you miss him terribly. He sure seems like a wonderful and special son and it has to be very hard for you. Keep praying and keep sparking. We are all here for you. God bless you always!
Big Hugs, Irish Ei emoticon

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MOTHER-NATURE 2/6/2011 2:14PM

    Elizabeth your blog touched my heart so much ... thank you for sharing with us precious memories of Scott.

Hugs

Niki

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GRAMMACATHY 2/5/2011 11:05PM

    Thank you for sharing your love with us. The two of you had a very special bond.
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LIZZIECA55 2/5/2011 7:23PM

    That is so beautiful. I lost my sister almost three years ago and I miss her on different occassions. They say it gets easier, but I don't know. ...sending you a big HUG! emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 2/5/2011 5:37PM

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful letter and your wonderful memories of Scott!! Praise the Lord for your strength and your faith through it all!!!
Blessings and hugs,
Helen



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KWANDOGIRL 2/5/2011 4:32PM

    Beautiful letter Elizabeth emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 2/5/2011 4:19PM

    Thank you for sharing. The thing I miss the most from my son are his bear hugs. As a matter of fact I had to teach my other kids how to give a good hug after my Joshua died. I'm so very sorry for your loss, your last time with your son is very memorable. emoticon

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SHERRY666 2/5/2011 2:32PM

    I really don't know what to say Elizabeth.......... I can feel you pain in your writing...... and you and Scott were so very close........ I can't say I understand what your going through....... I have never had to endure such a thing...... I just wish that you feel better about things..... and really enjoy the game...... knowing Scott is looking over you and enjoying it with you...... emoticon

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NATALIE1964 2/5/2011 5:45AM

    Dear Elizabeth, You write "I still remember how that felt..." And I know so much how you feel..The memories are so vivid and so real , and sooo precious.
Sometimes I don't even realize my friend is gone.. Last night I watched the Barbra Walters Special with heart surgery survivers and I was so sad that my friend didn't have the chance to have surgery.. He died alone at his house in front of the computer.. I can't beleive he didn't see the warning signs..he din't have the chance to get treated..
With the succes rate with heart surgery he would still be here..
I miss him so , I too can still feel him hug me .. Mostly I beleive that like Scott, when the memories are so real , is because they are still with us... so close, just in another world where we can't see them but i beleive they're still huging us ... in their way..
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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 2/5/2011 12:33AM

    I've just been reading the earlier blogs.. and my... what sadness and pain you have endured! Words fail me. I'm so glad you maintain your faith in God even when life doesn't make sense!

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 2/4/2011 9:55PM

    Elizabeth,

Such a beautiful letter to Scott. I hope you're aware that you've given the rest of us a little glimpse at his personality and character -- an open-hearted young man to whom people are drawn, a man who loves people and wants to share his people with each other and have them get to know each other. Do everything you can to make this coming Super Bowl a celebration of the last one you shared.

Laurie

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Countdown to Palm Springs

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

This is my countdown week to me going away from home for a week alone: I rented a small studio-size condo in a Palm Springs resort complex with a huge pool/spa area, and will take time for a "personal retreat." Although I'll miss DH and Kaile, of course, I'm also looking forward to it.

I wanted to go away two years ago, after Scott died, and lucked into a stay at this isolated, small resort... it was the only one available with short-notice reservations. Then, it turned out to be perfect for what I needed! I hadn't thought I'd go again, but the opportunity arose and I grabbed it.

Hopefully I'll get DD's old laptop via UPS in time, and there will be reliable wi-fi as advertised, so I can spend time daily on Spark while I'm away. I have so much I'd like to do on my teams, but always seem pressed for time, or get distracted and spend too much time on long posts, et al.

My main task this week is preparing to go: finish up what needs to be done here; laundry for needed clothes, and all the other items packed; plus, menu-planning and grocery shopping to fill out my planned meals. DH is dropping me off and picking me up, so no access to the stores.

That's actually a fun part of the trip! As a person who has dealt with extreme food anxieties since childhood, facing a time without free access to food is usually very upsetting. Even a stay in a nice hotel - unless we have a fridge and groceries in the room - is difficult for me emotionally.

However, two years ago, with what I'd learned since I joined Spark, I was determined to use the trip as practice to deal with food in a healthier way. That part of the trip was VERY successful! (Other than spending the first two days and nights in bed crying, the rest of the trip was good too.)

I am SO grateful for having SparkPeople in my life! This website - my teams and the message boards, as well as the resources and tools - have helped me make real changes in my life. I feel like I have a real chance for a healthy and happy future, a longer more able life, and far greater peace of mind too.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/18/2010 8:11AM

    Hey, I'm ready for you to blog about your trip! emoticon

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NEVA2LATE 8/13/2010 2:47PM

    This sounds like an AWESOME trip! ... Have a wonderful time :)

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SYNCHROSWIMR 8/10/2010 6:17PM

    Have a great trip!!

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LIZZIECA55 8/10/2010 5:09PM

    Have a great trip, enjoy yourself and get plenty of rest. Can't wait til you get back to tell us all about it.

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SHERRY666 8/10/2010 12:33PM

    Have a great time while your gone....... this is perfect for you to do some different things by yourself... Not all work and no play......... Be sure to get pampered too... emoticon

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DEE107 8/10/2010 11:31AM

    have a great week and great trip

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BKWHITE3 8/10/2010 10:28AM

    Have a wonderful and relaxing trip.

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THENEWCINDY 8/10/2010 7:42AM

    Have a great trip!!!!!!!!!!

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DECKEREC 8/10/2010 7:01AM

    Keep Sparking and have a wonderful trip! emoticon

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Another Step on My Spark Journey

Monday, July 26, 2010

I wrote the following in my journal yesterday morning, figuring it out in my head as I typed. Because my feelings were so intense, I wanted to do more with it; perhaps post an edited-down version on some of my teams' threads. I decided to "Blog" it (it'll make more sense keeping the time frame in mind).

I've wanted to blog several times, many many times, about a whole assortment of topics, but I always changed my mind. I finally realized, if I post more Blogs, the ones I wrote about my son Scott will be bumped, and won't show up under "Recent Blogs" on my Sparkpage: I didn't want to erase him!

Those feelings are all wrapped up in what this blog is about... Well, here it is! I hope it translates well from my journal... and I hope if this applies to you as well, that my experience can be helpful to you too.
Take care, Elizabeth ~ emoticon


July 25th - Oh my, I crashed and burned last night... I was reading and writing emails, and crashed and burned. I binged like I haven't binged in so long - AFTER a GOOD day physically and food-wise. It wasn't mindless either, which was worse; I knew what I was doing - AND LOSING - and made excuses all the way through.


Now, after trying not to throw up all night, I am working on being accountable to myself and others - AND to understand exactly why and how I went off the rails. I mean, I KNOW, but... I started to flounder, and tried posting on my LTTA team; but my feelings started to churn, and I got off Spark. THAT was my 1ST mistake.

To push the emotions away, I switched my planned snack of fresh fruit salad (peaches, banana, cantaloupe) to ice cream and peanut butter - my current "go-to" comfort food. HOWEVER, instead of dishing out my usual (1C&2T), I started eating from the containers; and then, just kept on eating. THAT was my 2ND mistake.


I'm all mixed up about stuff I thought I had already figured out. emoticon

A young man my daughter dated in high school, now 24 years old, died recently. There are few details - actually none - being revealed publicly about the what and how; however, the "buzz" says he was using different cleansers at his parents' home (they were gone on vacation), and the mixture created a toxic gas that killed him. emoticon

Whenever I think of it, I'm still surprised - How could it happen? Someone SO young killed in such a mind-bending way... I think of his parents and older sister, who I knew through DD Aubrey, and I say to myself, I can't imagine... I just can't imagine... and then I remember:
YES, I CAN - I JUST DON'T WANT TO. emoticon


Last night, this realization was too difficult for me to - I don't know - acknowledge? examine? contemplate? scrutinize? think about, deal with, work out... I'm struggling right now, trying to find the right words – ones “large enough” to match my feelings… BUT, I'm NOT headed into the kitchen to eat again. What else did I do "right"?

I stopped eating. I went to bed AND I fell asleep. I kept the Tums on my nightstand. I drank water whenever I woke up. I stayed in bed all night. I kept telling myself I’d be okay, just take a moment and - ??? Stop? When I woke up this morning, I had a good cry, and got on Spark to "talk" it out for myself… That takes me to now. emoticon


Am I going to say, “I still can’t deal with it?” That’s what I started to write, but I don’t WANT that! Let’s see…Last night, realizing “yes, I can imagine; I just don’t want to,” was too difficult because I’d have to REMEMBER, and then I’d have to FEEL “it” again… this grief over Scott seems just as heavy today as it ever was.

Well, I am going to put my should-have-been-last-night fruit salad together with sugar-free Jello and light Cool Whip, and get something solid in my stomach. Then I’m going to decide what to do with all of THIS – right now it’s in my journal. Then, I had – I HAVE – a busy, fun day planned, and I’m going to get to it!
I’ll always love you Scott ~ Forever, Mom ~ emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALASKAN 7/29/2010 7:15PM

    Hello Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and we all are here for one another.
Elizabeth, I do not remember the exact day we met and I had invited you to join my team. I was so pleased that you did come onto It seems just like yesterday. I'm also proud to say that you are my friend and team member.
Sometimes we all fall back into a rut (bad spot) and we keep making it deeper and deeper. Sooner or later, we will dig ourselves out and get back on track. No other child will replace Scott and he will always be in your heart. If he were alive today, he would probably say," There is very strong woman in this room and I'm very of her b/c she is My Mom.
Thank you, Mom for being there for me".
I better stop, b/c I am crying as I type this out. Thank you Elizabeth for coming into my life as well. Always, ERNA
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LIZZIECA55 7/27/2010 4:19PM

    Thanks for sharing. I haven't lost a child but I lost my youngest sister almost two years ago. She introduced me to SP.

You are so courageous for knowing how to translate your feelings into words. I admire you for that. Don't give up on yourself; you are worth fighting for.

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KATHYJO56 7/27/2010 2:05PM

    Elizabeth, I am so very very sorry. I have prayed for you, your daughter, Scott, and his family. I'm glad that you wrote all of this out in a blog to those of us who love you on Spark People. God bless! emoticon

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DEE107 7/27/2010 1:54PM

    just to let you know I am keeping you in my prayers and hope all is well and glad you are doing better jello and cool whip sounds divine hugs

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SHERRY666 7/27/2010 1:28PM

    Thanks for sharing all of this with us............. I know some days are harder than others......... but you seem to be going in the right direction now........ We all fall down...... but the thing is getting back up........ and that is just what you are doing........ Good luck with it all Elizabeth... get out there now........ and have fun...... emoticon

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ROCKNSULTAN 7/27/2010 11:58AM

    Dear MIMAWELIZABETH Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know the pain of losing a child. Somedays it is just overwhelming, but try to think of your son being in a better place. Its coming up on seven years since we lost our son Christopher. He will always be our hero, now just writing this biog has brought tears to my eyes but I must go on and always remember my son in a positive light. I only recently let him go but how easy it is to have his memory send me back to the pain of loss. I believe in the after life and with some help,I came to realize I was holding him back. I know that I will see him again. Take care and try to forgive yourself.
Rocknsultan emoticon

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YAZMAMA 7/27/2010 11:06AM

    You are an inspiration. My God, how much can a person go through? I know Scott would be so proud of you, you've been through so much. You know, we all crash and burn one time or another for various reasons. Mine was after becoming addicted to pain medication last summer for a variety of reasons( I had a painful leg wound, broke my leg, was in the hosp 4 times last year). I was so tired of being in pain, I was taking pills before they were needed in order to avoid the pain. During that time I didn't eat. When I finally got better in Oct, I ate everything I could get my hands on (From mid July until then I had lost 150lbs, partly due to fluid accumulation). As a result I gained 25lbs back and am desperatly trying to lose them. There are days when I feel blue and turn to the fridge. Even "healthy" snacks can be unhealthy. That's why you are here for the love and support. If you ask, it will come. Take care please. emoticon emoticon

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STITCHINGNAN 7/27/2010 7:42AM

    I do admire you for writing all that It probably helped you to do so. Chief thing is dont beat yourself up over it It dosen't make you a bad person because you had a binge. We all want to support you and each day is a chance of a fresh start. I also think you need to learn to love yourself more. Stop feeling guilty, accept its happened but its not the end of the world. None of us is perfect! We would be angels if we were! Love from us all Ree emoticon

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AKASHA66 7/27/2010 3:13AM

    Good for you for writing this to let go of some of it. Try to get past it and get back in there. There will always be the bad things in life along with the good things, what we can change is how we deal with them, and that change doesn't happen overnight.

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HANNAHV 7/27/2010 2:56AM

    Dear Mimaw
I feel your pain and can relate, my dear sister lost her/our son Feb this year. It is hard, so very hard to move on-my sis describes the feeling as a badly cracked glass on the verge of crumbling into a million pieces. We have to hold it together no matter what, we have to trust the pain will go away, we have to reach out join hands and draw on loved ones strength.
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emoticonScott I'm honored to have your Mom as a friend emoticon

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VXWALL1942 7/26/2010 8:32PM

    Thanks for sharing the memory...and the pain. It shows you know we're your friends and we're here to support you whenever and whatever the reasons. Why do we somehow fall back on bad eating habits when things are too much to handle? Wish I knew. My heart and prayers are with you. Sorry for the sad trigger that pushed you into this painful reminiscing. Take care. You know only too well how I can relate. Scott's memory is alive and well.

vicki

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PLAYBLUES22 7/26/2010 8:31PM

    Sweetie, it is always better to vent then keep things in

Nice job in starting fresh emoticon

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ALLIEINSHAPE 7/26/2010 7:41PM

    So glad you wrote this!! You need to let those feelings out. So glad we are here to read it. Hope you have a wonderful Day 1!
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Celebrating Scott's Life 2010

Monday, March 01, 2010

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write today, but I know I want to acknowledge the second anniversary of my son's death. First of all, to my many Spark friends & teammates, thank you for your caring & support!

When Scott was killed two years ago, my life changed in such a way that I will never be the same. I still go to grief counseling with a private therapist two or three times a month. Having "Dr Jenn's" ear, and her support, has been a Godsend. I can say all the selfish, angry, bitter thoughts that sometimes fill my mind, and be honest about the dark feelings that can still overwhelm me at any moment (like hearing a fragment of a song).

However, what struck me this past week, leading up to this heart-breaking "anniversary," is the difference between last year and this; both in how I feel, and how my precious daughter feels, and in the plans we made together.

Last year, DD Aubrey & SIL Mike left town, unable to be present near where Scott died or with others grieving him too. They spent that anniversary week hiking and climbing in the Santa Barbara mountains; on February 27th, they spread some of Scott's ashes at his favorite spot there (more details & a photo in my blog from that time). This year, while the pressure was still great, there was no plan to or talk of going away again.

Last year, me going with DD & SIL wasn't an issue; my disabilities keep me from doing most physical activities, let alone the kind of walking needed to get up in those mountains. Besides, I wanted to be with Scott's neighbors, on his street, near his home, near where he fell to his death. This desire of wanting to be connected also led me to initiate a most healing encounter with the owners of the kitten Scott climbed to rescue.

This year, without us specifically planning to do so, was a time of being together, enjoying each other's company, and going out and doing... LIVING. My thoughts throughout Saturday, February 27th, often went to Scott.

I'd raise my eyes up towards Heaven, and think: "This is for YOU, Scott! I'm out of the house, with other people, doing the activities I used to enjoy. I'm living my life again, and in doing so, I am celebrating YOUR life." (His love & caring & enthusiasm & kindness & laughter & joy & sacrifice & leadership - how Blessed I am to have had him in my life for 28 years!) I said, "Scott, you don't have to worry about me anymore."

I honestly don't know what difference there will be between the 1-year-&-364-days and the 2-years-&-1-day time frames. I wondered all last week, in the dreadful anticipation of the 27th, what can change with just that 48 hours difference. This time, however, when I made my shopping lists, it was ME who went to the store to food shop and run other errands, not my DH (who has stepped in and helped immensely).

I had also called DD and invited her to go with me on Saturday to a local community theater's musical comedy revue. The actually-going-part was, as usual, a HUGE challenge - but WE did it. She nudged me and I buoyed her, and we had a wonderful time. As former Theatre majors in college, she and I share a love of the production; with this adventure, we reconnected in a way - filled with joy - that we haven't in quite some time.

SO, my dearest Scott, I treasure every moment I had with you, and I still feel your love. I see you in many aspects of my current life, and I miss you every single day. I will remember you always, and look forward to seeing you again.

Love from your Mom, Elizabeth~

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1COUNTRY_GAL 12/29/2010 1:55AM

    Elizabeth,I am so sorry for your loss.I can't even imagine what it must be like. emoticonThat was a beautiful blog for your Scott. emoticonI read the comments from ISAWAPUTTYTAT just below my comments and she really is saying so how I feel,my mom passed in 2006.Tweety put it so well and the perspective of looking at it that way is something I never thought about.Seems to give a new kind of peace and comfort,I didn't have before.Many emoticonand support emoticonYou take care of YOU rself. emoticonDiana

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ISAWAPUTTYTAT 7/27/2010 1:02PM

    Elizabeth you are an inspiration i wish i could talk with you more. The words you have put down on paper our words i write in my journal. As my loss is not a child but a mom. So i can understand your feelings and share with you the same ideas i had about letting go. I know this I know that my mom is in my heart i have her heart of gold so i pass that on. You have him in your heart as you remember him. I know it is not easy to forget.I know that life is never fair i always questioned why he takes the good and leaves the bad. Know one could ever answer that.One day i was furniture shopping and i said that to a woman salesmen and she said did you ever think he does not want the bad and he only wants the good.To this day that is what made me realize that my angel of a mother was in great hands and it helped me heel i hope it also helps you too. Your pal tweety!

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CINDERRELIC 7/6/2010 11:26AM

    Hugs to you Elizabeth. Prayers are going up for your continued strength and comfort. Scot was a blessing and you are, too.

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KELLYZZZZ 4/3/2010 1:24PM

    I am thinking of you during this time. Hugs to you and your family.

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BO42SOX 3/13/2010 5:11AM

    Thank you Thank you for sharing this-My Son, it will be 4 years next month of his car accident.He lives w/ me, I take care of him, but I don't know if John even knows who I am.I'd like to believe he does,if he doesn;t than I know at least he feels my Love.----I am so sorry Elizabeth.Please,Please,Please know I care, and it sounds like Scott had a pretty good Mom/Family-Lots of hugs to you my Friend-Kathleen

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DEE107 3/2/2010 12:32AM

    emoticon, my heart goes out to you and your family hugs

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SHERRY666 3/1/2010 8:43PM

    What a lovely blog for your son Elizabeth........... along with you spending time with the neighbor where he fell to his death....... and you getting out there and living again....... I know he is looking down and saying..... "go mom go" emoticon

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WHEREISCLARK 3/1/2010 8:21PM

  emoticon

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LIZZIECA55 3/1/2010 6:02PM

    I don't know what to say, but I'm sending a BIG HUG your way. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/1/2010 6:02:40 PM

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ALASKAN 3/1/2010 4:05PM

    Hello Elizabeth,
You are a wonderful Mom and do not let anyone tell you different. I can remember when I invited you to join my team and I'm very proud of you taking up on that invite. I told you that I would leave it up to you. As I read your blog here, I cried so hard, b/c I knew how it is to be a mother.
I think of you as a special person, mother, friend, and team mate. You speak so highly of your son and he is your Angel from heaven. He watches over you daily, nightly, weekly, monthly and yearly. He was so lucky to have a wonderful, caring and loving mother as you are. No one is judging you and yet you keep going. I would not want to know anyone like this (you) and you tell it like it is. So, Scott will always be proud that you are his mother. I am behind you 100% in what you do.
I hope this makes sense to you. A mother's love is easy to get, but you have to accept it in a way that you want it and it's always there for you to reach for it. (Lost my Mom in Sept.2009 and I miss her badly.)
Always, ERNA emoticon

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F8CONE8 3/1/2010 3:49PM

    This is a wonderful tribute to your son. We should never outlive our children but it happens. It has been 20 years but Victor will always live in our hearts and minds. Sometimes I still see him as he was.

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BEEZGYRL 3/1/2010 1:48PM

    emoticon

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KWANDOGIRL 3/1/2010 10:24AM

    emoticon emoticonto you Elizabeth. God wil get you thru this.Keep praying for strength. You have such great memories and I know your son is proudly looking down on you. emoticon

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TINYC887 3/1/2010 8:25AM

    what a beautiful tribute to your son. Losing a child should never happen to a parent but as a mom whon lost a son as a baby, the hurt never goes away but it does get easier to cope with. You are in my thoughts.

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BKWHITE3 3/1/2010 8:14AM

    Scott would be so proud of you. It does get easier. emoticon emoticon

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TRACYZABELLE 3/1/2010 7:09AM

    If I could be there to give you a real hug I would...

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TRACYZABELLE 3/1/2010 7:07AM

    I am passing along prayers for your strength today as you memorialize your son, I know it must be hard for you but you have wonderful memories of him to keep you smiling... emoticon

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Another Senseless Death...

Monday, January 11, 2010

I haven’t posted a blog in a long time – it’s not really my thing – but I feel compelled to write, and I want to share what has happened.

I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I’m stunned, angry, devastated, and confused. It's been a few days, but these feelings continue to build, so I figured I’d better write about it. I decided to put this in blog form to better share it. So here I am, trying to work it out in my mind.

Another senseless death and I can't find any reason in it. I know many of you will want to comment below about taking comfort in God’s Plan, and having faith, and we’ll meet again in Heaven, and so forth, but I know all that! Honestly, I don’t need to be reminded.

I hope you can hang with me through this long explanation!

My son died saving a half-grown kitten that belonged to a neighbor of his, a 16-year-old girl he had befriended along with most of the kids and families on his street. The girl's parents – who are known as standoffish, emotionally volatile, and basically "weird" – had not helped the stranded kitty, and admitted preventing their daughter from acting as well.

That's why it was thought the kitten was a stray, and why – after two days – several of the neighbors took action themselves, which is how Scott got involved. If Scott had known it was Corban's kitten, I’m sure he would have done exactly the same as he did, so it wouldn't have made a difference in HIS outcome - I know that for sure.

However, learning after the fact how irresponsibly HER parents had acted... That's been hard. Oh, they had their reasons, why they were too busy… Corban’s mother wrote me a letter the day after Scott fell to his death, "explaining" their side, but she never accepted any responsibility, or even apologized.

On the first anniversary of Scott’s death – see my last blog – I went to Scott's to be with the neighbors to whom he was closest. When I arrived, I impulsively went across the street to see THEM. I wanted to see the cat, and meet the girl; I wanted to face my anger towards her parents. It was actually a positive and healing experience, but not important here.

I was on the porch, talking to her parents and cuddling the now-grown cat, when Corban finished getting ready, and came outside in a rush to leave. When I was introduced, I thought she was going to turn and run away... she froze, and then lowered her head and said, crying, "I'm sorry" over and over again. She said, "Please forgive me."

I put my arms around her and said, "There's nothing to forgive, you didn't do anything wrong. I NEVER blamed you, and Scott wouldn't blame you either." She completely broke down in my arms and sobbed for a long time. I left hoping she would feel the relief-from-guilt she so obviously needed, and rightly deserved.

If you had asked me beforehand what I planned to say when I went over there, I couldn't have told you... but I was SO glad I talked to Corban that day! I didn't spend more time with her, but at Christmas I gave her the last DVD I had of Scott's memorial video, and I always sent my regards through Scott’s upstairs neighbors.

This was the tree outside Corban's house when Scott died:
www.ocregister.com/video/day-209620-
feb-photos.html?pic=11




And now I'm finally getting to the purpose of this post:

Corban was killed by a drunk driver.

www.ocregister.com/news/serrano-2270
05-bertagna-left.html



WHY? WHY?? WHY??? She was just getting started... Finally free from her parents' craziness – they gave her moving boxes for her 18th birthday – she was living with her boyfriend's grandma and felt like part of a REAL family for the first time in her life.

Didn't Scott already die, to help her? Why did SHE have to die too? I can’t make any sense of it! Waiting at a red light after a fun night out with her sweetheart, and in a split second, a drunk driver changes everything… I'm SO angry!!! I'm so angry.

For those who pray, please keep Corban’s boyfriend – who walked away with minor injuries – in your prayers as he faces this tremendous loss; and for his family, who took her in as their own. Also, please think of Corban’s many friends, most of whom recently graduated from high school.

I'm also praying for the many people who received Corban's organs and tissues, who will have healthy - and longer - lives because of her death.

I’m especially praying for, and asking prayers for, Scott’s upstairs neighbors, to whom he was so close, and who are now my dear friends as well.

The daughter, who witnessed Scott’s death, was best friends with Corban since they were five; the mother has been a surrogate “Mom” to Corban for the past thirteen years. This is their third unexpected death in less then two years, as several months after Scott died, so did their father/grandfather.


And so my ramblings come to an end…
Did you make it all the way through my tome?
Thank you ~ Thank you so much.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUCKYDOGFARM 7/29/2010 10:14PM

    Hugs, Prayers and Love to you, MIMAWELIZABETH and All who have been touched by Corbin and Scott.

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MAMABEARLICIOUS 7/29/2010 9:55PM

    you gave her the greastest gift. she had been suffering with guilt over your son and needed forgivness. she found out thru your love you hadn't held it against her. with that she was able to forgive herself. she finally had peace of mind and was able to find happiness because of you.
i will pray for you all to find comfort, peace of mind and soul.

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MCSNYDER1 7/29/2010 8:49PM

    Oh, Sweetie, I can't say anything to make you feel better. No one can. One tragedy on top of another while the first wound is still so very raw. I am so sorry this has happened to you and all the others you mentioned. I, too, experienced the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one.

It's been 15 years.Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream. I define my life in 2 very distinct sections---before Bill died and after Bill died.

I have never asked why--I guess I'll find out when I die.
I have never been angry--who would I be mad at? Bill? I refuse to go there.

What I do know is that my faith has carried me through. I can't explain it--it just happens. I somehow found strength that I didn't even know I had. Strength to breathe in and then out. Strength to accept the love and help that people sent my way. Strength to go on.

You have found strength--you have reached out to people who seem most unlovable. You have put goodness where there was very little. You have been gracious.

I haven't watched your video. I may not. I have a video of Bill's funeral and the procession. I have never watched it. I don't know if I ever will. Because Bill was captain of the fire dept., every fire truck in town led the way. Bill was the funeral director in our very small town. Funeral Directors help others--they don't know how to handle a tragedy when it strikes home. Strangers stood along the roadsides with their heads bowed. The world seemed to stop for a brief moment. Oh my, now I'm going on and on.

I have always tried to find something to be thankful for every day. I found something to be thankful for on that awful day in July, 1995--if you knew the circumstances, you'd understand. I have found things to be thankful for every day since.

Just know this. There are people who love you. Some you know. Some you don't---your SP family. I will lift you and all who have been touched by this up in prayer--many, many times over the next months.

It is said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I don't know if this is true, but sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on.

Sometimes I think God is calling all the good folks home early. I can't believe He is going to allow this world to go on much longer---a world where nothing shocks us, nothing is off limits.

People sometimes say things like "they are watching over you". I prefer to think that this is not true. I do believe there are angels--but not our dear loved ones. Why would I want my dear Bill to look over me from above and see the mess this world is in? I prefer to believe he is having a blast! Hunting with no limits! Scuba diving with no need for a tank of air!Skiing without falling down! And never missing an important family event because he was needed by a grieving family. Laughing, laughing, laughing, and eating a gallon of French Vanilla ice cream without gaining an ounce (which he did)!

I apologize for rattling on and on. It's so hard for me not to.

Take care of yourself.
Mary

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LMB-ESQ 7/29/2010 6:03PM

    Oh, my, my, what a heartbreaking story. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and for this young girl that he tried so hard to help. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

I stopped by to thank you for supporting me on my blog. I hope I can return the favor, just a little bit.

Please know that you're thought of, and I wish you peace. emoticon

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JOYANN80 7/24/2010 8:16PM

    Very beautiful video and a handsome young man! My prayers and thoughts are with you, your friends, and family and so many other people's lives he touched. emoticon emoticon

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SPARKIE1964 5/25/2010 12:12AM

    I am just reading this now and am truly at a loss for words about both senseless losses. Read about your son in your older blogs and am truly touched by the love and respect you express for him, especially by choosing to embrace life today.

Sounds like two incredibly loving spirits connected in this life which was a gift. It should give you some comfort to know that you were able to let her reconcile her own grief/guilt over the loss of your son.

As a mom of 2 teenage kids, I am regularly worried that something will happen to them which is typical for a parent. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain.

Big virtual hug to you.
emoticon emoticon

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BO42SOX 3/13/2010 5:17AM

    I wish to God I had answers,I don't-----The "parents" of the punk who caused my Son's accident never even acknowledged,called,asked if we needed a ride to the hospital-NOTHING- Ive been trying to figure out who I hate more, the punk or his parents-Yea I know all about too the healing,and days I think Im better,than something sets me off, and I'm bitter again.I'm trying so hard to be better and not bitter--I'm sorry,I'm going off on my own tandrum, and you too my Friend hurt----------I don't have answers,I only wish I did-- emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon-Kathleen

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SHERYLDS 2/18/2010 9:13AM

    Honor them by celebrating the memory of their lives. We are not defined by the brief tragedy of our deaths but by all the people we touch along the journey. .....i wish you peace.

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PRESSUREDIAMOND 2/18/2010 6:13AM

    There is not rhythm or reason to life and death but there is always those who have to bear the consequences. Please do not lose your faith in the difficult times. God bless.

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_MAOMAO_ 1/16/2010 6:24PM

  Elizabeth, you and all of Corban's friends are in my prayers. I hope you get to let Corban's boyfriend know that so many of us are praying for him. The daughter has practically lost a sister, her mom has practically lost a daughter. I'm so glad you got to talk to and hug Corban - I hope she was able to absorb that Scott's death was not her fault, that she didn't have to bear that guilt.
emoticon

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LISAROUSSEAU 1/14/2010 4:32PM

    It makes no sense and it is so hard to accept when young people die. I am so proud of you for writing out your feelings. Seems for awhile on here the only thing I wrote about was my daughter's death (2008). I am available if you ever need to vent on a private message - we have a common bond that I wish we didn't. I pray for you and the others you mentioned. This is such a hard road....and our kids want us to keep on living, though somedays it is so painful.
Thank you for sharing with us, it took courage.
Lisa Rousseau
(Jessie's Mom)
www.Jessie-Starnes.virtual-
memorials.com


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BEEZGYRL 1/13/2010 12:05PM

    Elizabeth, what a horrible tragedy. I am so sorry. emoticon emoticon

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GETTINGSERIOUS 1/12/2010 9:17PM

    I am sorry for all of your losses. I am praying for you.

Phil

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VICKIB01 1/12/2010 8:04PM

    My prayers to you and everyone involved.. I can only imagine your pain not to mention anger and upset. emoticon

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KAT7457 1/12/2010 2:05AM

    my thoughts and prayers are with you and the families involved.

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NEVA2LATE 1/11/2010 10:03PM

    I am saddened and truly Shocked! I'm so sorry, and I will keep you and all those you mentioned in my prayers.

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LIZZIECA55 1/11/2010 4:32PM

    Oh my goodness, you've been through so much. My prayers are with you and Corban's boyfriend. They were both senseless deaths. Keep your head up.

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SHERRY666 1/11/2010 3:45PM

    You have been through so much with Scott's death..... and now the girl he was helping with the cat........ has to die.. and by a drunk driver...... None of it makes sense to me....... So I can only imagine what your going through....... I will keep them all in my thoughts...... along with you Elizabeth..... I really hope you can get through this with not too much negative feelings......... We are here for you at any time........ Thanks for sharing this with us..

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NATALIEJ1 1/11/2010 1:24PM

    maybe god needed her back home...we will not know until we return ourselves. but think of the comfort that two friends have been reunited and the fact she had the relief of talking to you before she died. my husband and i went thru a string of deaths ranging from immediate family members and friends in a short time period...the road to peace is sometimes long but remember you might not understand why but someday you will. take care of yourself. its okay to cry but when the anger comes use it in a positive way...to make a change. maybe this tragic event will motivate someone to make a difference for someone else. we will remember then in our prayers. honor their lives by living yours better and helping others along the way. god bless and praying you find the peace and comfort you need.

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LIQUEURLADY 1/11/2010 10:09AM

    I'm so sorry that there are these tragedies so close to you Mimaw. My heart goes out to Corban's boyfriend and family and to all their friends, and I pray they will find support to guide them through this terrible and senseless loss.

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CALIFSHEWOLF 1/11/2010 8:56AM

    No one can ever feel how you feel, but I do understand the frustration and anger at such senseless deaths. My late husband was killed by a drunk driver and burned beyond recognition when his tractor-trailer exploded. The man driving the pickup that caused the crash died too. He was 3 times over the legal limit and was an indigent, so there was no wrongful death case or any kind of settlement. I, too, have searched for a reason, and I have heard all the comments about having faith, but it is hard to make sense of it when your whole life, and the lives of so many other people are inexplicably changed forever. I hope you find some peace in sharing your story with us.

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NATALIE1964 1/11/2010 8:51AM

    How to make sense of these terrible losses..
I really don't know..

I hope you find the peace to get through this.



emoticon
Natalie

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