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Humor for Lexiphiles!!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2011



HERE ARE A FEW LEXIPHILES!



Lexiphiles.... lovers of words.....




You know that you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.


When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.


A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.


The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on
shaky ground.


The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.


A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.


A will is a . . . dead giveaway.


If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.


With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . .
A-flat miner.


You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.


A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.


When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.


Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .
resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . .
He's all right now.


If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.


A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is too tired.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your
Count that votes.


When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.


He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the
end.


When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.


Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.







emoticonI know! I know......groan!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOOZLEBEAR 8/3/2011 1:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 8/3/2011 2:47AM

   


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUNEBUG150 8/2/2011 11:07PM

    Chuckle, chuckle, emoticon . thanks for sharing!

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KAYDE53 8/2/2011 11:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ERTSMOM 8/2/2011 9:57PM

    emoticon

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PEGGYO 8/2/2011 9:25PM

    still smiling

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BUTEAFULL 8/2/2011 7:17PM

    emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 8/2/2011 2:30PM

    Shaking my head! HA HA!

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PRAIRELAKELADY 8/2/2011 1:49PM

    These are great-Thanks for giving me a good laugh today!! emoticon

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 8/2/2011 1:46PM

    Now THESE are my idea of humor. I loved this. thanks for sharing them!!!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 8/2/2011 12:50PM

    emoticon

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GEMINIAN1 8/2/2011 12:39PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IDLETYME 8/2/2011 12:27PM

    Those are really cute! Thanks for sharing!! emoticon

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ASMPP1 8/2/2011 12:00PM

    emoticon

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JATHUENER 8/2/2011 11:34AM

    oh thank you for the laugh today hehehee

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/2/2011 11:00AM

    emoticonThanks for starting my day with a smile!
Sheila

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SENATOR9 8/2/2011 10:49AM

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Tickle Me Elmo!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011




A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and told to report to to work promptly at 8:00 AM.


The next day at 8:45, there's a knock at the personnel manger's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about his new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.


Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." emoticon


emoticon emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCHAHARAZADE 8/2/2011 12:55PM

    emoticon emoticonWow! Now that is funny! I wonder if the marbles were glass or steel?! emoticon

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IDLETYME 8/2/2011 12:30PM

    Good one! Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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JATHUENER 8/2/2011 12:27PM

    emoticon

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LINDAJ0621 7/31/2011 11:02AM

    emoticon

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DKELLEY35 7/30/2011 1:41PM

    That is really too funny!

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GINIEMIE 7/29/2011 6:27AM

    Okay, that was worth several chuckles. Thanks!
emoticon
emoticon

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BUTEAFULL 7/27/2011 7:25PM

    emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 7/27/2011 4:38AM

   

This one cracks me up every time. I now know why Elmo has such a high voice, no "test tickles" Bwuhahahahahaha

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SENATOR9 7/27/2011 12:05AM

    Must be blonde emoticon

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BILLTMAN 7/26/2011 10:49PM

    Funny!!

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PHEBESS 7/26/2011 8:24PM

    emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 7/26/2011 7:55PM

    emoticon

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ASMPP1 7/26/2011 7:44PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 7/26/2011 3:29PM

    That is so priceless!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAKEANDNELLIE 7/26/2011 1:34PM

    emoticon emoticon
Gee - I need to check the toddler next door's Elmo and see if that worker was involved!
Sheila

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CATLADY52 7/26/2011 12:51PM

    Oh! emoticon emoticon

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GEMINIAN1 7/26/2011 12:47PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 7/26/2011 12:32PM

    emoticon

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CONNIER64 7/26/2011 11:37AM

    emoticon what a nice way to start my day emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KOMAL53 7/26/2011 11:14AM

    That was just so FUNNY----Thank You for sending me off to bed chuckling away!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAMARES 7/26/2011 10:46AM

  emoticon haha! Needed a laugh!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 7/26/2011 10:46AM

    emoticon

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ERTSMOM 7/26/2011 10:06AM

    Very cute emoticon

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KATHRYNLP 7/26/2011 9:47AM

    "Giggles" emoticon emoticon

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4ANEWME2DAY 7/26/2011 9:46AM

    emoticonAnatomically correct!! emoticon emoticon

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ANNCHER 7/26/2011 9:44AM

    That was a cute one! emoticon

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Boy in the Closet!

Monday, July 25, 2011




A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.


Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.


The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Sold."


A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."


The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."


The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."


They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."



emoticon


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNCHER 7/26/2011 9:35AM

    How funny! emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 7/26/2011 2:01AM

   


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUTEAFULL 7/26/2011 12:28AM

    emoticon

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PYNETREE 7/25/2011 10:33PM

    Ha-ha ! Loved this! Too funny!

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BUGSMIMI 7/25/2011 8:55PM

  Oh my!! LOL!

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THETURTLEBEAR 7/25/2011 8:12PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 7/25/2011 6:59PM

    LOL!

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    emoticon

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METALLICAT1 7/25/2011 4:02PM

    That was totally funny! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 7/25/2011 1:54PM

    funny

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RAINBOWFALLS 7/25/2011 12:58PM

    Great one!

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ERTSMOM 7/25/2011 12:12PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KOMAL53 7/25/2011 11:33AM

    Great Blog---just what I needed to help me relax before going to bed!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DKELLEY35 7/25/2011 11:17AM

    LOL!

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LEW0213 7/25/2011 10:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Never expected that punch line. Very funny.

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LULU1142000 7/25/2011 10:08AM

    That's sooo funny!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/25/2011 10:09:09 AM

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1CRAZYDOG 7/25/2011 9:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon That little emoticon !

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SENATOR9 7/25/2011 9:35AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SPARKCHANTAL 7/25/2011 9:11AM

    makes you want to turn catholic

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MR21965 7/25/2011 8:47AM

  too funny!

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Why Men can Pee Standing Up!

Sunday, July 24, 2011



God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.


He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so the thought He might just as well ask them.


He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.


"It's a very handy things," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."


Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."


"What's it called?" asked Eve.


"Brains," said God.


emoticon emoticonSorry, fellas!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JJSSPARK 7/27/2011 10:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon I LOVE IT!!! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/27/2011 10:09:50 AM

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PEGGYMAS1 7/27/2011 7:40AM

    too funny emoticon

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WIGIME 7/27/2011 7:13AM

    Well, he got brains too! That's what most men think with isn't it? hee hee

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GOOZLEBEAR 7/25/2011 9:20PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonLove it!

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METALLICAT1 7/25/2011 4:05PM

    Awesome!!! Love it!! emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 7/25/2011 12:56PM

    good one!

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1CRAZYDOG 7/25/2011 9:51AM

    YES! LOL!!!

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CBEVNOW 7/25/2011 9:11AM

    emoticon emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 7/25/2011 5:05AM

   


emoticon

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EGGBASKET1 7/25/2011 3:01AM

    emoticon emoticon

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NORASPAT 7/24/2011 10:00PM

    Thats why they say women think and men do.

I cant wait to tell DH that one.

HUGS Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SENATOR9 7/24/2011 9:52PM

    Ha Ha very funny emoticon

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KILLERANGEL47 7/24/2011 9:02PM

    HHAHAHA!!! emoticonThat's rings so true!!

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ERTSMOM 7/24/2011 8:52PM

    emoticon

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CHALLENGER15 7/24/2011 8:51PM

    emoticon

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KJMPEACHES 7/24/2011 7:14PM

    LOL,,,, to funny! emoticon emoticon

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LEW0213 7/24/2011 6:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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4DOGNIGHT 7/24/2011 4:30PM

    Made me smile!

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KITT52 7/24/2011 3:39PM

    how cute can't wait to let all my male friends know...I sort of already knew

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CATANTIGO 7/24/2011 3:39PM

    Hahaha.....sooo funny!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 7/24/2011 2:30PM

    Hilarious! emoticon

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DKELLEY35 7/24/2011 2:23PM

    I figured that was what had happened. lol

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KATHYSCOLLIES 7/24/2011 1:27PM

    And to think there are people out there who do not believe in 'God's infinite wisdom'!!! hehehe

What a true fact of life!

Hugs,
Kathy

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STEVENSAILE12 7/24/2011 12:23PM

    That is soooooooooooo NOT funny!!!

Only kidding, my wife read it and the first thing she said was; "Boy is that true!"

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NEWMAC2011 7/24/2011 12:01PM

    That's a great one!

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PAWKETS 7/24/2011 10:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ASMPP1 7/24/2011 10:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MARGEUOF2 7/24/2011 10:15AM

    That is hilarious! I have to share that one!

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JOANOFSPARK 7/24/2011 10:13AM

    emoticon *snicker* .....love it.... emoticon

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NURSE_FAWN 7/24/2011 10:11AM

    So funny!! Thanks for the laugh! emoticon

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LJCANNON 7/24/2011 9:57AM

    emoticonSounds logical to me!!

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SHARJOPAUL 7/24/2011 9:51AM

    LOL!
Sounds about right.

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ANDREA409 7/24/2011 9:30AM

    hahahahaha. awesome.

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LEANJEAN6 7/24/2011 9:29AM

    Pretty funny---AND true! Great blog!-Lynda

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DFROMTX 7/24/2011 9:20AM

    Wonderful joke! emoticon

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PHEBESS 7/24/2011 9:15AM

    LOL!

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KATHRYNLP 7/24/2011 9:09AM

    Seems about right to me too.. emoticon emoticon

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CONNIER64 7/24/2011 9:05AM

    Good one!

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KBEHUNE 7/24/2011 8:58AM

    Too funny! Love it!

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SUZIEQS65 7/24/2011 8:56AM

    *LMAO*...Love it!

Have a great day!

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ANGELOO29 7/24/2011 8:45AM

    emoticon

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Perfect Marriage

Saturday, July 23, 2011



Sharing in Marriage...


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half
in front of his wife.



He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around
them were looking over and whispering.



Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them.'



As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just
fine - they were used to sharing everything.



People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.


This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'



Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'




She answered --



(Continue below - This is great)



'THE TEETH.' emoticon



Try and stay cool!

emoticonMary Anne

  
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ERTSMOM 7/24/2011 8:42PM

    emoticon

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DKELLEY35 7/24/2011 2:22PM

    That is just too funny. LOL

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PARM01 7/24/2011 4:56AM

  emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 7/24/2011 2:37AM

   

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SENATOR9 7/23/2011 9:36PM

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PHEBESS 7/23/2011 5:48PM

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NORASPAT 7/23/2011 3:58PM

    Funny but too yuk to think about.

YOU.do find some funny ones. HUGS Pat in Augusta Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CONNIER64 7/23/2011 1:22PM

    Yuk! But funny emoticon

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KOMAL53 7/23/2011 12:58PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 7/23/2011 10:59AM

    emoticon
Love your background photo! Those flowers are gorgeous!!

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1CRAZYDOG 7/23/2011 10:00AM

    emoticon

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PEGGYO 7/23/2011 10:00AM

    great!!

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LEW0213 7/23/2011 9:46AM

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Gross!


Give this one a 10!

Linda

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CHANGEISGOOD 7/23/2011 9:41AM

    That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard!!! Thanks for sharing and starting my day with a smile and a giggle!!!
emoticon emoticon

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GEMINIAN1 7/23/2011 9:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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