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Smile and the world smiles with you!!!!

Thursday, June 02, 2011




Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

--------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

----------------


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ....... I'm telling everybody!'


------------

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



----------


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband..

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

----------


Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

----------------------------------------
----------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------
--------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'





Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk !





emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLDINGMYOWN 6/2/2011 10:04PM

    heheheheheehheehe
Great chuckles again Mary Ann~~Thanks!

Reading your Blog Title reminded me of my High School yearbook~~ i was a giggler all my life! Still am! ~lol

Along side my Year Book Picture my quote was:

" Laugh and the world laughs with you~~
" Cry?~ Heather laughs anyway!"
emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/2/2011 10:05:10 PM

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BUTEAFULL 6/2/2011 5:04PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 6/2/2011 1:31PM

    emoticon

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SPARKLISE 6/2/2011 12:01PM

    Funny!!! emoticon

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DKELLEY35 6/2/2011 10:51AM

    Loved it Mary Ann, Thanks.

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BLESSED2BEME 6/2/2011 8:47AM

    Very funny! Got my laughter in already this morning. I especially love the one about the moths.

Trish


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LEW0213 6/2/2011 8:38AM

    I just love your blogs. Really starts my day off with a smile.

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SENATOR9 6/2/2011 8:36AM

    Those were great Thanks emoticon

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Hello......I have a question!!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011







Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?





If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?





I just LOVE Maxine!!!!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 6/1/2011 7:03PM

    emoticon they are all great!

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DKELLEY35 6/1/2011 6:47PM

    I love Maxine too. She has it so right.

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PRINCHESSA 6/1/2011 6:15PM

    emoticon

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CHAR1970 6/1/2011 6:12PM

    Thanks for the smiles!

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RAINBOWFALLS 6/1/2011 5:45PM

    I love these

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BECCAJ98 6/1/2011 3:01PM

    From a FedEx driver......Haha, I hear that at least once a day!

Thanks for the emoticon

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PHEBESS 6/1/2011 2:31PM

    And why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway, LOL????

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KAYDE53 6/1/2011 2:07PM

    I love Maxine too! Funny! emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 6/1/2011 2:00PM

    Great chuckle for the day!!!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!!!

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HOLDINGMYOWN 6/1/2011 1:24PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
We all need these chuckles every day! Thanks!

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SPARKLISE 6/1/2011 11:38AM

    Had a good laugh! emoticon

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SHARJOPAUL 6/1/2011 11:22AM

    LOL: love it

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BUTEAFULL 6/1/2011 11:07AM

    emoticon

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IGSBETH 6/1/2011 10:45AM

    LOL!

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IMNAHA 6/1/2011 10:32AM

    Thanke for the smile this morning.

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SANDLADY48 6/1/2011 10:08AM

    I have "liked" Maxine on Facebook, this is a great collection of some of her best!!

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JULIEEG81 6/1/2011 9:30AM

    Needed a good laugh this morning thanks :-)

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13STRAWBERRIES 6/1/2011 9:21AM

  Really funny!

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YAZMAMA 6/1/2011 9:12AM

    Needed a laugh this am. Thanks for giving it!


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ZARAH140 6/1/2011 9:09AM

    Thanks for the excellent dose of humor!

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NEWMAC2011 6/1/2011 8:59AM

    So happy to start June off with some laughs!

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1CRAZYDOG 6/1/2011 8:57AM

    Maxine is wise beyond her years!!! LOL

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KATHRYNLP 6/1/2011 8:51AM

    Maxine'izms are always funny.. thanks for todays chuckles.. emoticon

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SENATOR9 6/1/2011 8:45AM

    My drivers license says brown that would have been 35 years ago emoticon

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SJSLOWRUNNER 6/1/2011 8:44AM

  Great reading to start off the day.

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GOATGIRLJM 6/1/2011 8:38AM

    Thanks for a good laugh, I needed it this morning.

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Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011



A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.


Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

thats me to a "T"



Smile emoticonit's contagious!!!!!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHECHAM 6/1/2011 12:03AM

    Very cute! Had me in stitches!!! Always thankful the younger generation wants to stay in touch with us... that is so important, however it happens...

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PURPLESPEDCOW 5/31/2011 11:21PM

    This one is awesome! I feel that way all the time. I just want things that work and don't break all the time. Also don't want a lot of bells and whistles on my phone (which is now over two years old....gasp!).

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SCOTMAMA 5/31/2011 10:24PM

    Got this recently in an email -- very funny! It's too advanced for my taste. I just want a cell phone so I can call friends and get calls when I'm not home.

It's like on the computer -- my main thing is emails and using Word.

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NORASPAT 5/31/2011 9:11PM

    I am so wit5h you on this i struggle with the keyboard to type and the remote I do not need I do not watch TV without DH so he can mess with that, when he knows how. I have to prompt him sometimes.
I did love you comments and had a good laugh . I would be like that if anybody even thought to buy the stuff foe me. They all know i do not need anything so that's a good place to be. HUGS Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 5/31/2011 8:20PM

    That is priceless Mary Anne and so me!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WHERE2BEGIN 5/31/2011 7:59PM

    That's me to a "T" as well. emoticon

Take care. Terry

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CATLADY52 5/31/2011 7:32PM

    A great one!!!!!! emoticon

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DKELLEY35 5/31/2011 7:16PM

    Boy, does that ever h it home.

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PEGGYO 5/31/2011 6:20PM

    very funny

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BLESSED2BEME 5/31/2011 5:44PM

    Oh my - I love the toot comment and the response about paper or platic! I'm not quite 50 yet but this stuff still pertains to me too!

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/31/2011 4:35PM

    emoticon

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GRATEFULADY 5/31/2011 12:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Too funny!!!! ROTFL!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/31/2011 11:12AM

    LOL!

I have to add, at one point all the "kids" in the family chipped in $ and bought our parents a VCR, and one brother hooked it up for them. I called a while later and asked my dad if they were enjoying watching old movies. My father said they couldn't figure out how to use the VCR, but they really really liked the remote!

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ILOVEROSES 5/31/2011 10:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUGSMIMI 5/31/2011 10:09AM

  I cashier at Hannaford, and I really like the bi-sackual line. lol. I have a cold, and it got me to laughing and coughing at the same time. lol.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 5/31/2011 10:06AM

    I have a smartphone and that is enough, no other gadgets! emoticon

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PRINCHESSA 5/31/2011 10:05AM

    emoticon I'm on my way ;)

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SENATOR9 5/31/2011 9:55AM

    Remote I got 5 different remote on the c table now one for every electronic thing
no facebook or tweety tried to figure out the VCR they give me DVD or CD Had a watch with 300 gadget it suck all I wanted was the time now . emoticon

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LEW0213 5/31/2011 9:46AM

    I had to laugh at this. I've got 3 remotes just sitting on my desk right now. Lord knows how many are hidden all over the house. At least I can call my cell phone to find it but the remotes don't seem to answer me the way my phone does. emoticon

Linda

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JOYFULMOMTO5 5/31/2011 9:34AM

    Hey, this 35 yr old feels the same way about some of this stuff. It's all just TOO much! It's why this generation is so stressed , I believe:) we painted ourself into a corner trying to make life simpler! I love the last paragraph-too funny!

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JOYFULMOMTO5 5/31/2011 9:34AM

    Hey, this 35 yr old feels the same way about some of this stuff. It's all just TOO much! It's why this generation is so stressed , I believe:) we painted ourself into a corner trying to make life simpler! I love the last paragraph-too funny!

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KATHRYNLP 5/31/2011 8:36AM

    Hahahhaaaaa!!! Oh Ya... I can relate to some of this too! Thx for the chuckles! emoticon emoticon

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*** Adult Truths ***

Monday, May 30, 2011





1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time..


24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.


Ladies.....Quit Laughing. emoticon




Happy Memorial Day.......remember those who have fought for our freedom!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLESPEDCOW 5/30/2011 9:00PM

    Love this list!

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OPAL50 5/30/2011 8:48PM

    Ha Ha LOL!!! I totally loved the last one and had to read it to my DH! emoticon emoticon

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ERTSMOM 5/30/2011 8:46PM

    ROFL HILARIOUS!!!

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PEGGYO 5/30/2011 8:10PM

    funny!!!

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HOLDINGMYOWN 5/30/2011 7:06PM

    I was in stitches reading this! And could not wait to read out that last one to hubby! LOL


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LEW0213 5/30/2011 6:20PM

    Re: #19, When I moved to Arkansas, I was told to say "Huh?" instead of "What?" when I couldn't understand someone with a heavy accent (back then, that was just about everyone). What I found out was that people would automatically repeat things 3 or 4 times if I said "Huh?" without even noticing that they were repeating themselves. Still works today. Try it.

Also, to add to the list:

#25- On these TV shows that redecorate houses or someone's backyard, how come they never tell you how much money it costs to have that done? emoticon

Linda

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CATLADY52 5/30/2011 5:37PM

    They are so treu. emoticon

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GRAMMACATHY 5/30/2011 5:02PM

    I so needed this......Thank you for posting.
emoticon



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PHEBESS 5/30/2011 2:47PM

    emoticon

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KAYDE53 5/30/2011 11:47AM

    These were great!!! Loved them!!! emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 5/30/2011 11:06AM

    Love this!!!!!!! Thanks for my morning chuckle!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FEISTY1949 5/30/2011 10:45AM

    LOL

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SENATOR9 5/30/2011 10:22AM

    emoticon

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SANDLADY48 5/30/2011 9:53AM

    You start my morning off on the right note!!
emoticon

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KATHRYNLP 5/30/2011 8:57AM

    I'm flattered that you liked my Blog Adult Truths 5,28,2011, so much that you also used it on your blog. It's a keeper, huh! emoticon

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MDBUTTERFLY 5/30/2011 8:51AM

    So true! Thanks for the giggles...perfect way to start the day =)

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ILOVELIFE2012 5/30/2011 8:51AM

    veeeery nice! Almost tearing up laughing so hard on this..... thank you!

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Harlequin Romance 2011

Sunday, May 29, 2011




He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
close to my ear.


"Just relax."


Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.


I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.


I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he
cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.


Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.


Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man
not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..


"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now." emoticon



emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAMMACATHY 5/30/2011 2:44AM

    I was going for the doctor angle too. LOL! Hmm....I guess that means we should all wear our best underwear to the airports now too!

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BUTEAFULL 5/29/2011 9:56PM

    got me, I thought it was gonna be a doctor

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WHERE2BEGIN 5/29/2011 8:10PM

    emoticon I'll have a hard time going through this the next time we take an airplane.

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PRINCHESSA 5/29/2011 7:05PM

    emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/29/2011 6:57PM

    lol

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GLC2009 5/29/2011 6:44PM

    LOL........i was searched at the airport in november. as she started, she asked if i had any allergies or sensitivites....i said, "no, just ticklish"
then when it was done and i joined my hubby and friends, i said, "i can't believe she didn't even offer to buy me a drink first emoticon
at least i thought i was funny!

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DKELLEY35 5/29/2011 5:42PM

    Wow, pretty racy stuff there for a minute.

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CATLADY52 5/29/2011 4:00PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BUGSMIMI 5/29/2011 3:26PM

  Well, that one got me. lol. I was going to say she was being frisked by a police officer. : )

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PHEBESS 5/29/2011 10:35AM

    Too true, LOL!

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LEW0213 5/29/2011 10:15AM

    OMG, that was TOTALLY unexpected. I'm having trouble typing this because I'm still laughing so hard. Great one!! emoticon

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SENATOR9 5/29/2011 8:40AM

    emoticonnow that sound like a great job

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