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*** Adult Truths ***

Monday, May 30, 2011





1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time..


24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.


Ladies.....Quit Laughing. emoticon




Happy Memorial Day.......remember those who have fought for our freedom!


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLESPEDCOW 5/30/2011 9:00PM

    Love this list!

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OPAL50 5/30/2011 8:48PM

    Ha Ha LOL!!! I totally loved the last one and had to read it to my DH! emoticon emoticon

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ERTSMOM 5/30/2011 8:46PM

    ROFL HILARIOUS!!!

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PEGGYO 5/30/2011 8:10PM

    funny!!!

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HOLDINGMYOWN 5/30/2011 7:06PM

    I was in stitches reading this! And could not wait to read out that last one to hubby! LOL


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LEW0213 5/30/2011 6:20PM

    Re: #19, When I moved to Arkansas, I was told to say "Huh?" instead of "What?" when I couldn't understand someone with a heavy accent (back then, that was just about everyone). What I found out was that people would automatically repeat things 3 or 4 times if I said "Huh?" without even noticing that they were repeating themselves. Still works today. Try it.

Also, to add to the list:

#25- On these TV shows that redecorate houses or someone's backyard, how come they never tell you how much money it costs to have that done? emoticon

Linda

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CATLADY52 5/30/2011 5:37PM

    They are so treu. emoticon

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GRAMMACATHY 5/30/2011 5:02PM

    I so needed this......Thank you for posting.
emoticon



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PHEBESS 5/30/2011 2:47PM

    emoticon

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KAYDE53 5/30/2011 11:47AM

    These were great!!! Loved them!!! emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 5/30/2011 11:06AM

    Love this!!!!!!! Thanks for my morning chuckle!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FEISTY1949 5/30/2011 10:45AM

    LOL

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SENATOR9 5/30/2011 10:22AM

    emoticon

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SANDLADY48 5/30/2011 9:53AM

    You start my morning off on the right note!!
emoticon

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KATHRYNLP 5/30/2011 8:57AM

    I'm flattered that you liked my Blog Adult Truths 5,28,2011, so much that you also used it on your blog. It's a keeper, huh! emoticon

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MDBUTTERFLY 5/30/2011 8:51AM

    So true! Thanks for the giggles...perfect way to start the day =)

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ILOVELIFE2012 5/30/2011 8:51AM

    veeeery nice! Almost tearing up laughing so hard on this..... thank you!

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Harlequin Romance 2011

Sunday, May 29, 2011




He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
close to my ear.


"Just relax."


Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.


I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.


I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he
cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.


Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.


Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man
not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..


"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now." emoticon



emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAMMACATHY 5/30/2011 2:44AM

    I was going for the doctor angle too. LOL! Hmm....I guess that means we should all wear our best underwear to the airports now too!

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BUTEAFULL 5/29/2011 9:56PM

    got me, I thought it was gonna be a doctor

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WHERE2BEGIN 5/29/2011 8:10PM

    emoticon I'll have a hard time going through this the next time we take an airplane.

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PRINCHESSA 5/29/2011 7:05PM

    emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/29/2011 6:57PM

    lol

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GLC2009 5/29/2011 6:44PM

    LOL........i was searched at the airport in november. as she started, she asked if i had any allergies or sensitivites....i said, "no, just ticklish"
then when it was done and i joined my hubby and friends, i said, "i can't believe she didn't even offer to buy me a drink first emoticon
at least i thought i was funny!

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DKELLEY35 5/29/2011 5:42PM

    Wow, pretty racy stuff there for a minute.

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CATLADY52 5/29/2011 4:00PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BUGSMIMI 5/29/2011 3:26PM

  Well, that one got me. lol. I was going to say she was being frisked by a police officer. : )

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PHEBESS 5/29/2011 10:35AM

    Too true, LOL!

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LEW0213 5/29/2011 10:15AM

    OMG, that was TOTALLY unexpected. I'm having trouble typing this because I'm still laughing so hard. Great one!! emoticon

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SENATOR9 5/29/2011 8:40AM

    emoticonnow that sound like a great job

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Everyone Pray for Leroy! :-)

Saturday, May 28, 2011



A preacher at the local revival said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher then put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week." emoticon




Have a healthy, safe Memorial Weekend!!!!

emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTEAFULL 5/28/2011 11:11PM

    emoticon

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GINIEMIE 5/28/2011 6:57PM

    Thanks for the chuckle.

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CATLADY52 5/28/2011 6:45PM

    Very good. emoticon

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DKELLEY35 5/28/2011 6:30PM

    Funny, funny, funny.

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JUNEBUGSC 5/28/2011 12:50PM

    LMBO that was so funny!!! Hope you are doing well!!

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KAYDE53 5/28/2011 12:28PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOOZLEBEAR 5/28/2011 11:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SANDRAFIVE 5/28/2011 9:50AM

    I've been sick all week and that just made me feel so much better. Thanks for the laugh. emoticon

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LEW0213 5/28/2011 9:28AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SENATOR9 5/28/2011 8:49AM

    emoticonLet's hear it for Leroy

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PRINCHESSA 5/28/2011 8:42AM

    LoL Thanks... another one to share with the father in law tonight ;) heheh

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DREAMGIRL76 5/28/2011 8:34AM

    emoticon emoticonYou Too! Thanks for the Laughs.

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!!!!!!!

Friday, May 27, 2011




Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


Happy Friday!!!!

emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEDDYTEDDY 5/29/2011 9:56AM

    You did it again...I think you have the funniest stories on SparkPeople..... emoticon

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CHEF4RENT 5/28/2011 11:40PM

    LMAO...I have done almost this exactly same thing. I had just replaced the batteries in the taser I found. I had no idea what to expect. I was only 15....lol it totally knocked me out and wow is all I can say, I was out cold long enough to get a sunburn and the shock/burn marks on my butt left small scars:)

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BUTEAFULL 5/28/2011 11:11PM

    emoticon

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1MIN17SECB412PM 5/27/2011 10:47PM

    *H*I*L*A*R*I*O*U*S* I've shared your blog today, and it's been sooo refreshing to have a belly full of giggles over & over again, each time I've shared with someone who's *busted*a*gut* I get the giggles all over again!! THANKS SOOO MUCH for sharing!!

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NIMAWEYGH 5/27/2011 10:34PM

    I have never laughed so hard in my life and after reading this I just had to wake my hubby and do my level best to read it to him. 30 minutes later I had laughed til I cried, my ribs hurt and I begged my hubby to get me one of these for Christmas.

Thanks so much for a wonderful chuckle. emoticon

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MEOWSNEWPAGE 5/27/2011 6:39PM

    MEOW has first hand experience with this toy. it is an eye opening experience but the one that got me did not have fresh batteries in it. I still know where my privates are!

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TEKRU1 5/27/2011 12:42PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/27/2011 12:35PM

    ROFL!!!!!!!!!

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GATORJOY 5/27/2011 12:08PM

    I need to get a tazor too! Who knows, we may need some protection sometime. Anyway, funny story!

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INGMARIE 5/27/2011 11:31AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Thanks ,brightened my day.
Have a great memorial weekend emoticon emoticon

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FANCYKAYAH 5/27/2011 9:04AM

    This cracked me up big time, right on! Thanks for sharing...

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1CRAZYDOG 5/27/2011 8:59AM

  emoticon emoticon

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LEW0213 5/27/2011 8:57AM

    Boys & their toys............................... emoticon

Linda

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GREG32572 5/27/2011 8:45AM

    thats awesome *laughs*


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KATHRYNLP 5/27/2011 8:35AM

    OMG... emoticon

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SENATOR9 5/27/2011 8:26AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ILOVEROSES 5/27/2011 8:16AM

    emoticon

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PRINCHESSA 5/27/2011 8:10AM

    emoticon

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LUVS2WIN67 5/27/2011 8:09AM

    emoticon
OMG...that was hilarious!! Thanks for sharing this laugh with us!!

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AZURELITE 5/27/2011 8:02AM

    Thanks for the huge belly laugh! What a great way to start the day!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MOMS100 5/27/2011 7:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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OLD GUYS ..........

Thursday, May 26, 2011



I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.


I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.


I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"


The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


Most old guys are helpful like that! emoticon


emoticonMary Anne

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILOVEROSES 5/27/2011 8:11AM

    emoticon

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    emoticon

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BUTEAFULL 5/26/2011 11:06PM

    emoticon

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MEOWSNEWPAGE 5/26/2011 10:49PM

    now that I'm single again I'll help too! oh wait she's married- darn it emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/26/2011 9:28PM

    So helpful

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DKELLEY35 5/26/2011 8:12PM

    What a guy, such sacrifice.

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CJSARGENT1 5/26/2011 7:16PM

    I am grinning from ear to ear.....Thanks

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PHEBESS 5/26/2011 10:38AM

    Sounds like my husband!!!!!

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HINZEE57 5/26/2011 9:45AM

    Uh Huh!! emoticon

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SENATOR9 5/26/2011 9:19AM

    emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/26/2011 8:34AM

    emoticon

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