Monday, March 28, 2011
There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man
would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said…."Clean my house."
(YOU GO, GIRL!)
Have an awesome, healthy day!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
GOD grant me the Senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
Now that I am older,
here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing.....
I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned to
prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
Funny I don't remember
being absent minded....
All reports are in:
Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog,
some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here
I could use a few....
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seats cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you have
haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch
my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses
Friday, March 25, 2011
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
This hit home since I remember when my kids were little my folks asking what I wanted to Christmas. My response........"a good night's sleep!!!!!"
Friday, March 18, 2011
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob..
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Baby diapers and politicians should be changed often and usually for the same reasons.
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