Friday, February 04, 2011
Outsmart a woman, are you kidding?
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend. And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?He says, "Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike." "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman
Thursday, February 03, 2011
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you cannot resist passing it on
Just received this from a dear friend. Do you think she was trying to tell me something
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
My cousin from Maine just sent me this and I'm still laughing! Sure looks like what's been going on lately. What do you think???
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Monday, January 31, 2011
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate does not mean that is is suddenly your food, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are
taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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