Wednesday, February 02, 2011
My cousin from Maine just sent me this and I'm still laughing! Sure looks like what's been going on lately. What do you think???
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Monday, January 31, 2011
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate does not mean that is is suddenly your food, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are
taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Today I am giving you a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT
To help you each day............
Toothpick ... To remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band ... To remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
Band-Aid ... To remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser ... To remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
Candy Kiss ... To remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint ... To remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.
Bubble Gum ... To remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil ... To remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag ... To remind you to take time to relax daily and go over
That list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day
Wishing you love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, and warm feelings in your heart in this new year.
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