Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Who hasn't heard "If you see there is a problem, you're half way to recovery?" I know there is a problem. . .and each day it seems worse.
Some of you know my mommy died in October 2013. Some days it seems forever ago, but recently it weighs heavy on my chest. At first I thought "Okay, you just need to pick up yourself and learn to do things a little different." I lived with Mommy for the past 5 years. We had finally reached the point in life where we were best friends. Then I thought "It's okay, nobody expects you to jump right back into the swing of things." But I did. I signed up and completed my first 5k. I was going out to dinner with friends. I took care of probate tasks. I even got a dog to keep me company and keep me busy.
But then something happened. Something stopped in me. Let me back track a little. I still live in Mommy's house. I haven't worked outside the home in 6 years. I managed Mommy's affairs and maintained a happy, clean home. At the end I had set up a monitor in my bedroom so Mommy could call on me at all hours as needed from her bedroom. To this day I cannot sleep in my bedroom, nor hers (4 3/4 months) I've slept on the couch with the television on, but I've always put away the blanket and pillow during the day.
Going on about two weeks ago I questioned WHY. I figure, no one comes over, what does it matter if there is a blanket on the couch? Then I added, it's 40 degrees outside, it makes since to keep a blanket close by. But then the other voice in my head started saying, "You're being lazy. The house looks nicer without the blanket out and that makes you feel better." Then the fight started. . .
Voice 1: If I want to take a nap the blanket is right here.
Voice 2: If you went out you would not need a nap.
Voice 1: I'd have to get dressed and nothing is close by to do.
Voice 2: You used to enjoy just driving aimlessly to find new things to do.
Voice 1: I have only had my dog 3 months. It's wrong to leave him alone and he gets carsick.
Voice 2: You're not doing anything anymore. Make small goals for yourself.
Voice 1: Okay. I put do laundry on the calendar for tomorrow.
Voice 2: It's tomorrow. When are you going to do the laundry?
Voice 1: Maybe tomorrow.
I know I need to do SOMETHING but I have no motivation to do anything. Yes, I am currently sitting on my couch under my blanket in my PJs at 12:45pm. Please any and all suggestions will be read and attempted. I just am so alone. The friends I referred to earlier were actually my mommy's friends. And they have stopped calling on me. Not working outside the house in so long kind of sheltered me from making any friends in a while.