Tuesday, September 18, 2012
This past weekend was supposed to be one of fun times and going to a Greek Festival with some yummy food. Instead, it seems that all I did was cry. My eyes are so swollen, even my co-worker commented on it.
It appears that I have trust issues. My bf decided to try to keep something from me and I found out. I've been fighting with him all weekend. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon when I asked for something so small but that would mean so much to me. I asked for honesty and some common respect, and I feel like I got slapped in the face for standing up for myself. I felt that if I didn't say it, that we'd just keep going around in circles and I would end up getting bitter about it. Better to get it out in the open. Unfortunately, that was the wrong choice, and he tried to break up with me.
I have been a single mom for over 7 years now. I've always relied on me and only me. When I moved in with my bf, I decided to try to trust him more than anyone I've ever been with. I wanted this relationship to be "the one." I moved to the overnight shift at my job so that I could be there for my kids more during the day. Unfortunately, that meant that someone would have to stay with the kiddos overnight and make sure that they get off in the mornings. When he said he'd be there for me, I trusted him. I believed what he told me- for once in my life I was relying on someone else to help me. It all came crashing down last night. He admitted he messed up but told me I shouldn't have been snooping. I told him I shouldn't HAVE to be snooping because he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. I feel like an idiot for trusting that he'd always be there for me. My world feels like it's falling into little tiny pieces, and no matter how I try I can't quite pick up the pieces of this one. I feel so alone- completely, miserably alone.
We're still trying to make this work, but it's gotten so hard in such a short amount of time. How can I trust again unless he's completely honest with me?? And now I have to beg my boss to go back to a shift that I detest where there's so much drama. My dreams of going to nursing school are slipping through the cracks so fast and I can't figure out which end is up right now. I feel like I have no one to rely on again, and it hurts.
So, for now, here's the list I need to work on, just in case this doesn't work.
1) Get back to a day shift position. If I can't, I need to find a new job.
2) Figure out how I can get my daughter to her hip-hop class at 4 on Mondays ( I'd get off at that time)
3) Figure out who I can ask for for help on the weekends that I work and my ex doesn't have my kids. This will probably be at least one weekend a month that I need help.
4) Figure out a budget that I can try to squeeze a little more free cash out of to save for school (need to start somewhere). Maybe, if I get admitted to the university nursing school, I can downsize all my furniture and move into a smaller, cheaper place for the 2 years of school. It'll be worth it in the end, right?
5) Figure out a backup for when I'm required to stay after work for those people that call in sick. It'd be till 8, and my kids can't be alone for that long yet.
6) How to keep taking care of myself with my weight-loss goals. Right now, I'm so stressed out that I can't even think about eating anything, but soon my emotional bingeing is going to kick in, and I really don't want to do that again.
I'm not sure if this is really supposed to be on sparkpeople, but I needed a place to put this all down. This may just be a big, huge bump in our relationship, but I hate not being prepared.
I'm kicking myself repeatedly right now for not having a back-up plan, but I really thought this relationship would be the last one for me- that I'd found my soul mate. Maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel, but right now I'm not so sure.
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm sure everyone has those people in your lives that are truly frustrating...just the sight of them makes you want to climb the walls. My daughter is in Girl Scouts, has been for a few years. The troop has gone through some leadership changes, and the current leaders are not exactly the nicest people. I've tried changing troops, but my daughter is stubborn and wants to stay with her friends. I try every time to just bite my tongue, but every time I have an interaction with them, I just want to snap! Last night was the first meeting for the year, and my son accidentally dropped some supplies on the floor. I needed him to go sit with his sister for a minute, and I cleaned up the supplies. The leader waited till I was almost done (on my hands and knees in front of her) before she helped me pick up the stuff, and then it was only one item then she walked away. Ugh! I know it wasn't her fault the stuff fell, but common courtesy would go such a long way sometimes.
I am very much an emotional eater...I've been trying to curb it, but it's really hard. I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. I knew it was wrong, but my mind told me differently. I've been so used to swallowing my hurt that I'm pretty sure it was just instinct. I just need to retrain my body to not do this anymore.
I also just realized that with this food, I sabotaged my BF's day, too.
He's been doing so much better with his eating since I started my challenges. He's really been trying to keep up with me...even suggesting that we join the YMCA so he can start swimming every day again and I'll have exercise equipment, personal trainers, and exercise classes available for me. He had just told me how great he had eaten at lunch. He finished off a bag of raw carrots, and had cut calories out of his sandwich. I feel terrible.
So today, I'm going to fill out the packet for the YMCA. I'm going to the grocery store today afterdonating plasma and pick up some seafood (his favorite food). I'll take a nap while he's gone today (he's got two interviews today, hooray!) and then I'll try to get him to go for a walk with me.
Today's going to be a better day. I just know it! Happy Friday, everybody!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
For the Creative Writing part, we're supposed to plan for success for the next 12 weeks. This is my plan:
1) Continue drinking 8-10 glasses of water per day. I've found that having Mio really makes it easier to drink all that water lol
2) Really start tracking all of my food intake. This is a hard one for me, but I'm going to try to keep on top of it.
3) Increase my freggie intake...right now, it's about 1-3 servings a day. I know I can make this better. I'm going to continue going to the Farmer's market every weekend and start freezing vegetables so that I have some when it starts getting cold out. An added bonus to increasing my freggie intake is that my kiddos are eating healthier too...and they're liking it!
4) Reward myself with ?- I don't really know what I'd like to reward myself with yet. So far, seeing the scale go down every week has been reward enough.
5) Cut out all soda- so far, done.
6) Be more mindful of my portion sizes. I KNOW that I'm bad about portion sizes. Eating a salad before my main dish has really helped me with not going back for seconds and thirds.
7) Continue to try new, healthier recipes. I would love to try at least one new recipe a week, or at least tweak one of my favorite meals to make it at least a little healthier.
8) Continue with walking/jogging at least 6 days a week. If it's nasty outside, I have P90x dvd's or I can do some TNT exercises.
I know I can do this challenge. I'm a little nervous about trying to compete with my "heavy hitters" teammates, but I also know that every time they post that they did their workouts, it's just going to challenge me to go "just a little farther" with my workout. And I also know that, as a team, we're going to do amazing things!
Train dirty, Eat clean, ROW HARD!!
Monday, September 10, 2012
If I do not achieve my goal:
1) I may not be there for my kids at their graduation.
2) I will not be the mother that I want to be.
3) I will always have to wear "old-lady" plus-size clothes that will always make me feel bigger then I already am.
4) I will end up like my bariatric patients who have diabetes, are always out of breath, and have no sensation other then pain in their feet and hands. I would not be able to handle this one
5) I will always be miserable and hateful when I see people who are enjoying their lives while I sit on the sidelines. I don't want to be this person!
Saturday, September 08, 2012
I'm really having a hard time with this list. With just starting out, I haven't located all of my triggers yet that hold me back from weight loss. I'm gonna give it a go, though. Some of this may not make sense to anyone else other than me, but I'm okay with that.
1. Lack of sleep- I noticed this yesterday. I only got a 3 hour nap during the daytime, and I seriously ate everything in sight for a while after waking up. When I finally realized what was going on, I grabbed my water bottle, filled it up, and started downing water instead. With working nights, it's harder to have a normal "3 meals" type of diet...I'll figure it out though.
2. Lack of planning out my food for the day- If I don't have a meal menu planned for the week, it all kind of goes to the wayside. My boyfriend and I have been meaning to do this, but with the kids and other stuff going on, it doesn't seem to be getting done.
3. Lack of fresh fruits and veggies in the house- I have to say that I have gotten better about this the last few weeks. I got a whole bag full of freggies last weekend, and I spent an hour or so cutting them up and bagging everything so it was ready to eat and more accessible. My kids willingly will eat fruits and veggies if they are already cut up for them to grab. My son will even eat bell peppers as a snack if I have it ready. I noticed too, how nice it was to have lettuce that was already ready to eat. I plan on going to the farmer's market on Saturdays so that I can have them ready for the week.
4. Stress from work- I stress out when I work with people who I feel are lazy or just not pulling their own weight. Unfortunately, I have a coworker right now who doesn't do her fair share of the workload, and I end up picking up the slack most days. I have started to not do pick up the slack anymore with this person, but I'm still getting extremely frustrated. When I feel like this at work, it's much easier to eat that greasy cheeseburger or the donuts that were left by nursing students. I have had to start going outside to take a break from the situation and get some fresh air.
5. Underlying Depression?- Some terrible stuff happened to my daughter a few years ago, and I think I internalized it and ended up eating to hide my feelings. I gained about 40 pounds in a year and a half. I know that my weight has been a defense mechanism...who can hurt me worse than I'm already hurting myself with all this extra weight? I've since seen a counselor about my issues with what happened and have come a long way with dealing with this. It's still hard to not want to grab a bag of cheetos and down it somedays, but I'm a work in progress.
Healthy Change Bonus: Reflecting
I'm working on me this fall! I'm working on adding more freggies to my diet, keeping my water intake up, and walking or jogging at least 4 days a week (but I'm hoping for 6 days a week). I'm also hoping that through blogging on sparkpeople, that I can work out some of my mental roadblocks along the way.
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