Sunday, September 23, 2012
Sunday...a start to a new week (or the end of an old one, depending on how you look at it). I have to say this last week I have not been too kind to my body. I've gone without lots of sleep that was desperately needed, I've put junk in my body that I knew better than putting in my mouth. Why? I know the big reason is stress, but I shouldn't use that as an excuse. I'm worth more than this and I know it. So, today, I am choosing to put myself up there (at around the top) on my list of things to take care of.
1) Drink 8 glasses of water. Not a hard thing to do when you consider a glass is considered 8 oz...I drink out of a 16 oz water bottle at home, so 4 glasses is nothing. I can do this!
2) Try to do something active every day this week. No sitting on the couch and playing computer games or watching tv. I'm not going to lose weight being a couch potato.
3) Eat 2-3 freggies daily. I went to the farmer's market yesterday and got a whole grocery bag full of fruits and veggies. Today, after I sleep for a while, I'm going to be cutting up the veggies for the week and try my hand at a vegetable broth. =)
side note: I did go out to dinner tonight and had parmesan crusted tilapia. But I made sure they put a big portion of broccoli on my plate, and surprisingly, it tasted soo good! I'm proud of myself on that one. =)
4) Fill out some job applications. I'm not going to get off this shift work if I don't put in some effort here. My family needs me to be in a more stable shift- time for me to get to it!
5) Work on cleaning my home. I've been working a 6-day stretch at work. I'm exhausted when I get home, and my house has taken a beating. I'm off the next 2 days, so I need to get the house cleaned up again and the filters cleaned on my heating system so I'm ready when the chilly weather gets here (which unfortunately isn't going to be too much longer).
Also, in the Pink Vikings group there was a post that asked us to state 3 positive things about myself.
1) I am a very loyal person (unfortunately, this is used by my friends a little too much sometimes).
2) I have empathy for people and their circumstances. I'm also a defender of people who can't defend themselves.
3) I would do anything for my children to protect them and make them happy. This doesn't mean that I spoil them too much, but they're good kids for the most part and they earn the fun stuff that we do.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
This past weekend was supposed to be one of fun times and going to a Greek Festival with some yummy food. Instead, it seems that all I did was cry. My eyes are so swollen, even my co-worker commented on it.
It appears that I have trust issues. My bf decided to try to keep something from me and I found out. I've been fighting with him all weekend. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon when I asked for something so small but that would mean so much to me. I asked for honesty and some common respect, and I feel like I got slapped in the face for standing up for myself. I felt that if I didn't say it, that we'd just keep going around in circles and I would end up getting bitter about it. Better to get it out in the open. Unfortunately, that was the wrong choice, and he tried to break up with me.
I have been a single mom for over 7 years now. I've always relied on me and only me. When I moved in with my bf, I decided to try to trust him more than anyone I've ever been with. I wanted this relationship to be "the one." I moved to the overnight shift at my job so that I could be there for my kids more during the day. Unfortunately, that meant that someone would have to stay with the kiddos overnight and make sure that they get off in the mornings. When he said he'd be there for me, I trusted him. I believed what he told me- for once in my life I was relying on someone else to help me. It all came crashing down last night. He admitted he messed up but told me I shouldn't have been snooping. I told him I shouldn't HAVE to be snooping because he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. I feel like an idiot for trusting that he'd always be there for me. My world feels like it's falling into little tiny pieces, and no matter how I try I can't quite pick up the pieces of this one. I feel so alone- completely, miserably alone.
We're still trying to make this work, but it's gotten so hard in such a short amount of time. How can I trust again unless he's completely honest with me?? And now I have to beg my boss to go back to a shift that I detest where there's so much drama. My dreams of going to nursing school are slipping through the cracks so fast and I can't figure out which end is up right now. I feel like I have no one to rely on again, and it hurts.
So, for now, here's the list I need to work on, just in case this doesn't work.
1) Get back to a day shift position. If I can't, I need to find a new job.
2) Figure out how I can get my daughter to her hip-hop class at 4 on Mondays ( I'd get off at that time)
3) Figure out who I can ask for for help on the weekends that I work and my ex doesn't have my kids. This will probably be at least one weekend a month that I need help.
4) Figure out a budget that I can try to squeeze a little more free cash out of to save for school (need to start somewhere). Maybe, if I get admitted to the university nursing school, I can downsize all my furniture and move into a smaller, cheaper place for the 2 years of school. It'll be worth it in the end, right?
5) Figure out a backup for when I'm required to stay after work for those people that call in sick. It'd be till 8, and my kids can't be alone for that long yet.
6) How to keep taking care of myself with my weight-loss goals. Right now, I'm so stressed out that I can't even think about eating anything, but soon my emotional bingeing is going to kick in, and I really don't want to do that again.
I'm not sure if this is really supposed to be on sparkpeople, but I needed a place to put this all down. This may just be a big, huge bump in our relationship, but I hate not being prepared.
I'm kicking myself repeatedly right now for not having a back-up plan, but I really thought this relationship would be the last one for me- that I'd found my soul mate. Maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel, but right now I'm not so sure.
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm sure everyone has those people in your lives that are truly frustrating...just the sight of them makes you want to climb the walls. My daughter is in Girl Scouts, has been for a few years. The troop has gone through some leadership changes, and the current leaders are not exactly the nicest people. I've tried changing troops, but my daughter is stubborn and wants to stay with her friends. I try every time to just bite my tongue, but every time I have an interaction with them, I just want to snap! Last night was the first meeting for the year, and my son accidentally dropped some supplies on the floor. I needed him to go sit with his sister for a minute, and I cleaned up the supplies. The leader waited till I was almost done (on my hands and knees in front of her) before she helped me pick up the stuff, and then it was only one item then she walked away. Ugh! I know it wasn't her fault the stuff fell, but common courtesy would go such a long way sometimes.
I am very much an emotional eater...I've been trying to curb it, but it's really hard. I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. I knew it was wrong, but my mind told me differently. I've been so used to swallowing my hurt that I'm pretty sure it was just instinct. I just need to retrain my body to not do this anymore.
I also just realized that with this food, I sabotaged my BF's day, too.
He's been doing so much better with his eating since I started my challenges. He's really been trying to keep up with me...even suggesting that we join the YMCA so he can start swimming every day again and I'll have exercise equipment, personal trainers, and exercise classes available for me. He had just told me how great he had eaten at lunch. He finished off a bag of raw carrots, and had cut calories out of his sandwich. I feel terrible.
So today, I'm going to fill out the packet for the YMCA. I'm going to the grocery store today afterdonating plasma and pick up some seafood (his favorite food). I'll take a nap while he's gone today (he's got two interviews today, hooray!) and then I'll try to get him to go for a walk with me.
Today's going to be a better day. I just know it! Happy Friday, everybody!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
For the Creative Writing part, we're supposed to plan for success for the next 12 weeks. This is my plan:
1) Continue drinking 8-10 glasses of water per day. I've found that having Mio really makes it easier to drink all that water lol
2) Really start tracking all of my food intake. This is a hard one for me, but I'm going to try to keep on top of it.
3) Increase my freggie intake...right now, it's about 1-3 servings a day. I know I can make this better. I'm going to continue going to the Farmer's market every weekend and start freezing vegetables so that I have some when it starts getting cold out. An added bonus to increasing my freggie intake is that my kiddos are eating healthier too...and they're liking it!
4) Reward myself with ?- I don't really know what I'd like to reward myself with yet. So far, seeing the scale go down every week has been reward enough.
5) Cut out all soda- so far, done.
6) Be more mindful of my portion sizes. I KNOW that I'm bad about portion sizes. Eating a salad before my main dish has really helped me with not going back for seconds and thirds.
7) Continue to try new, healthier recipes. I would love to try at least one new recipe a week, or at least tweak one of my favorite meals to make it at least a little healthier.
8) Continue with walking/jogging at least 6 days a week. If it's nasty outside, I have P90x dvd's or I can do some TNT exercises.
I know I can do this challenge. I'm a little nervous about trying to compete with my "heavy hitters" teammates, but I also know that every time they post that they did their workouts, it's just going to challenge me to go "just a little farther" with my workout. And I also know that, as a team, we're going to do amazing things!
Train dirty, Eat clean, ROW HARD!!
Monday, September 10, 2012
If I do not achieve my goal:
1) I may not be there for my kids at their graduation.
2) I will not be the mother that I want to be.
3) I will always have to wear "old-lady" plus-size clothes that will always make me feel bigger then I already am.
4) I will end up like my bariatric patients who have diabetes, are always out of breath, and have no sensation other then pain in their feet and hands. I would not be able to handle this one
5) I will always be miserable and hateful when I see people who are enjoying their lives while I sit on the sidelines. I don't want to be this person!
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