May 2013 Goals

Monday, April 29, 2013

So I'm feeling like I need to put this down on paper for next month. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction for making progress, but I know how easy it can be for me to slip up and fall off the wagon. So here's what I feel I need to do to be successful in May.

1) Drink 2.5 L of water, or 10 glasses. I've been able to do this most days, but I need to remember this!
2) Try to work out at least 5 days a week/ 30 minutes per day. I lost my motivation for a little while, but I'm feeling much better about this right now. I may even be able to give my arch nemesis (the ski machine) a run for its money this month! bwahaha!
3) Eat healthy. Live the 80/20 rule. I don't do too bad most days, but my stress level is pretty high right now (life!) so I just need to remember I can't give in ALL the time!
4) Try to keep a positive attitude. I've been having a really hard time with this one.

Here's a few that I REALLY wanna get done this month!

5) Try a workout class at the gym. I've NEVER done one, and there's one Sunday morning for beginners. I'm determined to make it one time this month. There's also a BELLY DANCING class on Thursday night!! Woot!!
6) Take a walk around the hospital in the afternoons at least twice a week. It's getting nice outside, and I'm getting cabin fever.
7) Get some sunbathing in. When I was a kid, I used to lay out on the grass and sunbathe every weekend. Now I'm super pale (years of working graveyards). I miss doing this, and yes, Mom, I'll wear sunscreen! lol
8) Buy myself a new swimsuit. I've had hand-me-down suits from my mother since I became a mom. I want a suit that doesn't scream "I'M A MOM!" everytime I move. I can't honestly remember when the last time was that I bought myself a suit. I have a good idea about what I want, too.

I'm still working towards the 5 pounds a month idea. Unfortunately, I am VERY far behind. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. This is a process and a life change, and no, I'm not perfect. I'll just keep plugging away till I get to where I want to be.

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My Reality

Friday, April 19, 2013

So I signed up today for the StepUpCheyenne.com's event today. This is an event that they do every few months...kinda like dietbet.com, but you do it with a bunch of local people. I was really excited to do this last night...set my alarm clock for MUCH earlier then I would normally get up. Told myself I was going to go there in the morning and sign up for this and I would be "happy" about it.

Something happened between last night when I closed my eyes and when I woke up this morning. My motivation to sign up for this slipped...a lot. I dragged my feet this morning, procrastinating as much as I could with anything that I could. I left early, still intending to make it there and get signed up. I made it to the parking lot...and I couldn't go in. I saw all of these "cuter, skinnier, younger" girls walking out all smiles because they had just finished signing up. I chickened out. I bailed. I felt terrible about it, but I still couldn't force myself to go in.

For the next few hours of work, I had the internal bashing going on in my head. "You're stupid. Too fat! They're all prettier and skinnier then you. You're never gonna get smaller." Ugh! fine! I forced myself to go at lunchtime, but I made my BF go with me (moral support, okay?). The minute I stepped into the gym where they were holding this, fear and panic instantly came on. I felt like a total fish out of water. I filled out the paperwork for it, and was directed to go get weighed in. Now, mind you, the weight that they got on me was with clothes on and after I had eaten lunch. It was about 5 pounds heavier then what I had on my scale this morning. I instantly took it to heart. Then I had to hold a mechanism that told me what my BMI was. The buttons lit up on it. It started at normal, then went to high, then very high. And then it told me that my BMI was 42.6. That's right, folks. I am severely obese. I have 44.6% body fat.

The minute that number came up, it felt like my world just cracked. Little pieces of it are laying all over, and I just wanted to run out of the room crying. I knew that my numbers weren't great, but seeing them on this tiny little machine was almost too much for me today. I get that I've lost about 12 pounds so far this year, but at this very moment it doesn't feel like i've done s**t. I thanked the perky, skinny nursing student who was helping me face reality and I grabbed my coat and my BF and then left...quickly. There were tons of vendors there all with smiling faces who wanted the participants to visit them. I just didn't have the heart to even look at them.

So what am I feeling? Ashamed, embarrassed, ....guilty?? Yes! It's my fault that I'm where I'm at today. I take the blame completely, and until today I thought I was working on it the best I could. But obviously, today's been an eye-opener, and I'm left standing pretty blurry eyed right now. The worst part of this whole thing...the minute I left that building all I wanted to do was go to Dairy Queen and order the biggest blizzard they had and gorge on it. Talking to my BF, I calmed down enough to not drive there. I drove past it, and back to work. I walked past the cafeteria that has ice cream in it. I walked up stairs to my workstation. I'm still angry and hurt, but I figure with every minute I should start to feel better that I haven't binged. I'm struggling, but I'm fighting. I'm going to overcome this, even though right now it feels like I'm going to start crying at any minute.

So what am I going to do now? I don't know, honestly. I need to regroup, but first I need to get through the next two hours at work without crying. Then I'm going home and having a mini pity-party, and then I'm going dress shopping with my daughter. She has family pictures with her dad tomorrow, and she wants to look nice. That's what I'm going to start with.

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The conversations I have with myself...

Saturday, March 30, 2013

So I try to go to the gym five to six days a week. Every day, it's the same conversation with myself...

"But I don't wanna go to the gym!"
Tough...

"But people will be looking at me.."
And??

"I hate being here. These people are so much more in shape then me."
You have something to look forward to then, huh?

"Why am I wasting my money on a gym membership?"
What would it buy you? Another dinner at McDonald's? Another pound heavier?

"I hate myself right now! I feel like I'm going to die on this stupid machine."
Suck it up, buttercup. I'm finishing this.

"I don't know what I'm doing."
So you'll learn...


The last few days I haven't been having as much of this conversation with myself. I'm pretty sure my inner fat kid is mad at me and is sulking in the corner somewhere. It's amazing what you can do when you push yourself just a little bit more out of your comfort zone. The ski machine, the one piece of equipment that I DETEST more than any other...well I did 18 minutes on it today. That's the most I've ever done on it! It may not be a big number for some people, but for me, it's like climbing my Mt. Olympus. Three months ago before I started this BLC challenge, I wouldn't have attempted working out in a gym. I was too self conscious about my weight. Today, I went to the gym twice!

I'm very thankful to my second family, the Silver Spies! They're an amazing group of women and one terrific and awe-inspiring man. Because of the challenges and the constant support from these people, I'm feeling like I'm finally moving in the right direction. I don't think I could have found a more perfect team, so thank you...from the bottom of my heart. I have quite a few wonderful people to look up to.

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Trying to be a better me...needing advice

Saturday, March 16, 2013

So I'm thinking about signing up for the color run in Denver in June. I have all the information and I just need to sign up....the problem, the actual "running" of the color run. I signed up for the couch to 5k program, and it states to walk 5 minutes, run a minute and then walk 1.5 minutes...20 minutes total. But what do I do when I can't run even that much?? I walked 5 minutes today and then jogged a minute...instantly, the outsides of my calves started screaming. So I stopped and stretched really quick, hoping that would help. Walked 2 minutes (just trying to give myself a little more time in between there) and then jogged another minute. Again, the same thing! I ended up waIlking the rest of the 20 minutes, but I couldn't go very fast...I sucked today.

Now, I realize that I am VERY out of shape at this point in time. Is it maybe, that I'm expecting too much right out of the gate?? Absolutely. Does it make it any easier to not beat myself up over this because I failed? Not a chance. And did it help...at all...that the "perfects" decided to come up and run at full pace on the treadmill right next to me??? FML...no! (but that's a whole other story that I won't go into today)

Granted, I'm not going to just STOP going to the gym and trying. That's not my intention of whining on here today. My intent is to ask for some advice. I WANT to do this run, and I want to do it this year. I'm just not sure exactly HOW to get my butt into shape in 3 months...at least enough that I won't be the last person crossing the finish line.

So what advice, dear reader, can you give me to make this next 3 months a little easier (is that the right word I want...not sure)? Help?

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What's on My Mind

Monday, March 11, 2013

Physically, I'm sick to my stomach and suffering from yet another migraine. I thought I was doing better, but going up a set of stairs this afternoon proved otherwise. I instantly started feeling nauseous and lightheaded...which, at this point, is not normal. I did get 20 minutes in this morning, and a few squats done throughout the day...least it's something.

Mentally, I'm kinda freaking out right now. My landlord called my BF about a truck that we bought that hasn't been working for a few months. It had a flat tire, but the weather's been nasty so we haven't gotten it inflated. He's been bitching about it, so today he calls and says that if we dont' get rid of it, he will. Wait, what? When did my BF and I become his children, for him to boss around?? So we talked about it, got a wrecking service out here to pick it up, and got a check to help offset the money we spent on it. Would have been better if we'd actually been able to sell it on Craigslist (which we were working on), but at least it's gone. Now my BF and I are talking about moving...I've known for a while that it was coming, but I've been trying to hold off on it. The latest tirade from the slumlord was pretty much the final straw. We've had problems in the past, but the location is close enough that my kids can go to the school they love.

There's one small problem...rent prices in Cheyenne are a lot higher then they should be. We're looking at paying 950 a month instead of 650 that we have now. Ugh! Granted, it would be a house instead of a trailer, but still...I hate spending money. So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get everything packed up...should I hold off for a month more and hope to find something better? And I can't do anything at the moment because I feel sicker then a dog.

So yah, that's what's on my mind. I can't wait for the snow to stop..maybe my head will start cooperating finally and I can get some more minutes in tonight. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally. Tomorrow's another day though, right?

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