Saturday, July 21, 2012
I have a lot going on in my head right now, and I will write it all down once I sort it out - but in the meantime, I am learning something I have struggled with for a long time.
I can never do anything good enough that it is going to make someone love me.
That's not how it happens. I am loveable; I just can't DO something to get it. It is something that is freely given without consequence.
It has not stopped me from trying and BELIEVING that if I do certain things, than I will get out of it what I want, because in a way, the person would be "forced" to love me.
Well, just finally acknowledging that it does not work that way. Believe me, I have tried this repeatedly and often. Nope. doesn't work.
HOWEVER, WHAT DOES WORK AND WILL WORK FOR ME ---- is acknowledging, realizing, understanding, and yes, believing with all of my heart, that the things I do ------- need to be done for ME alone. For my satisfaction, for my health, for my own acceptance.
Everything else is off the table. I just have to be me and live up to my own expectations. I cannot control any of the rest of it, and that's all there is to it.
I just have to do it for me. Simplifies things a bit. It would help, perhaps, if I wasn't so stubborn. I would stop fighting this, and just freaking do it already.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Bought some REAL whole wheat bread.
Chopped up lots of watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, and threw in a half pint of raspberries to make a big fruit salad. Woo hoo!
Got my AC fixed!
Monday, July 09, 2012
There is only today - what are you going to do with today?
I have viewed myself for so long as fat, out of shape, a blob, if you will - I overlooked that I could change at any minute I wanted to - I could change what I was doing and how I viewed myself.
I once told my former trainer that I could not go for a walk because I ate chocolate.
He said, "what?"
I didn't get that they were 2 different ACTIONS. He pushed me out the door for my walk.
Being fat is not who I am UNLESS I choose the behaviors that keep me obese,
I choose to walk
I choose to eat healthy
I choose to go to therapy
I choose the person I am
and drumroll, please....
I choose to be the person I am becoming every day by the actions I take...
Do or not do. The choice is yours. There is no yesterday.
Friday, June 22, 2012
I did a little shopping last night - mostly because I have a casual work function today during lunchtime and it has been sweltering. I work at a semi-conservative place so shorts, and jeans are out.
I bought a couple of things to wear, and it started me thinking about a long forgotten item in my closet: THE COAT.
I bought it a while back - a long while back - I didn't live in my house when we bought it and that is going on 3 years.
I remember splurging on it (around $200). It's been in my closet now for years. I am going to wear this fall. I mean it, I am going to wear it. It's been too snug to be comfortable but it is my new incentive. I am going to get into that freaking coat!
I never thought I would be dreaming of wearing a coat on a hundred degree day!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
If I can trust myself to handle my own body and care for it in a way that is nurturing and good for my health, I will succeed.
If I trust that I am a good person, kind, compassionate, loving towards others, then I will not question every little motive when someone says or does something nice for me.
If I trust that all things happen for the greater good, I will be patient in waiting for the right outcome, instead of hurrying things along and insisting on my own way - even if - in the long run it may not be the best choice for me or for anyone.
It's hard to trust. It takes a lot of exercise to teach that trust muscle. It is something I am still working on, and may always work on.
For now, though, just for today, I am trusting in my abilities, and leaning on my higher power (God) to pull me through when I am weakest. I will not turn to food for comfort, or use it as a means of hiding my self perceived inadequacies. I will use food only to nourish my body without the need for it standing in for something else. I will believe that I can direct my actions to provide myself with what I need. I trust myself that I can do this!
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