Wednesday, February 15, 2012
You can be prepared for it, see it coming from a distance, and still be bowled over by it. It's not just the death; it's the wave of emotion that comes with it, There's no point in trying to stop that part of it. It's coming, whether you are ready or not.
One of the things that has surprised me, is not that I saw it coming, but I saw it coming first. When those all around me were saying how good he looked or the things that he was doing, I was in amazement, because I did not see any of those things. I saw a cold, blank stare that showed no signs of recognition, and little else, to the point of I thought it was "me" who just did not see the signs that he was coming back, albeit slowly.
I am pretty convinced now that those signs weren't there, and they were just manufactured make you feel better signs. I was ready for a little realism, no matter how harsh. I've seen as much as I care to - it's no picnic watching someone slip away from life.
I said my peace, long and true, and another time in part, in front of my husband and mother, as I decided while it was kind of private, if not now, when....When would I be able to speak my truest words of thanks, than to a man on his deathbed. So I did.
My Dad was a good man, who worked hard, and helped others.
I blogged about him in June in case you want to read it:
Rest well, pappa.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
There are a few things which I am not doing that will bring me instant success if I can push my butt in gear.
1) Interval training (cardio)
2) Strength training
3) Making myself numero uno on the priority list
4) Meal planning...SIMPLY
5) Executing # 4 in advance and stop leaving meals to chance
6) track, track, track, track
and the big enchilada - believe in myself beyond a shadow of a doubt
I am working towards all of these things. From past experience, I know these things are key for me.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
I had a great old high school journalism teacher who would grab a shock of his own hair, and say, "The reality is...." and that thought has been running through my head overnight.
In a sad, but not unexpected, turn of events last night, my father has been moved into the comfort care stage. This is not exactly hospice care, where death may be more imminent, but the expectation is now dawning on everyone that the man is extremely unlikely to get better.
In some ways, I am relieved. When I would see my Dad, it seemed like he had already left us. Everyone around me though, (perhaps in denial) would act as this were a temporary phase and in no time, he would be walking and talking again. I just wasn't seeing it, and I was starting to wonder if it was just me. I guess not. Maybe it took time for others to accept it. Maybe it took the doctor saying that he is not improving. It's sad. it's very, very sad.
I am emotionally exhausted.
But, I am plugging along. I am in yet another busy period at work which includes interviewing folks, training newbies, and dealing with high maintenance clients. While difficult, these things are welcomed as it lets me focus on the mundane and keeps my mind occupied. I have not been sparking much the last couple of days, but I am still here. Just sending a little love to my sparkies. I'm detaching for a couple of days or so, but I'll be back.
The directive I am giving myself is just keep going. Wishing the same for you.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I'm always going to be fat.
Truth: Maybe, but I can make changes to make me more fit and more healthy.
I'm never going to be as thin as "her."
Truth: Maybe not, but I can make big strides in my health and in my appearance. Stop try to look like and act like someone else, just be your best self.
I don't have the willpower.
Truth: I don't need willpower. I need to take baby steps on my own behalf, and little by little, I will create a wave of momentum that will make a difference.
I'm not good enough.
Truth: Liar, liar, pants on fire. You are absolutely good enough. You most certainly have the power, the skill, the ability and the belief to do this.
It's going to take so long.
Truth: Yeah, so? Your point is? It's going to take longer if you keep denying that you don't have it in you to get started.
Truth: You can. Now stop whining and get to it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I am completely capable of making positive changes in my life that add up to real actions.
I am getting up a little bit earlier and not just using that time to catch up on the news, or squat on the couch, or roll obsessively through my to-do list in my head. I still do those things, especially the mental roll call, but I am also making the time, and doing the effort, and this morning, drumroll, please, I COMPLETED THE SCHEDULED DAY OF MY BOOTCAMP VIDEO!
That's Twenty Two minutes of OH YES, I CAN!
I am capable of change. I am capable to act on my own behalf. I am capable of eating vegetables. I am capable of making food for myself that it tasty and not thrown together haphazardly. I am capable of seeing myself as a person worth treating well.
I am capable of so much more than I have given myself credit for! I can do it, and I will do it.
I am doing it.
What are you more capable of than you gave yourself credit for sparkies?
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