Thursday, December 08, 2011
I woke up with a weird pain, and it took me only a moment to realize what it was - I was laying awkwardly on one of my fat rolls on my stomach. Hmmm. How's that for a reality check?
If for nothing else, I am going to go down a new road just for a change of scenery. I know what it is like to be fat, lethargic, exhausted and unhappy - all from just lugging this extra weight around that has been literally weighing me down.
I have felt confident, in control, relaxed, and assured before --- just not lately. For any number of reasons I could rattle off, I have taken the route of "I don't care, I can't, why bother?" too many times. The consequences of that are I am in pain, squeezing my fat flesh while laying on top of it. There's got to be a better way.
If you read my last blog, you'd know that I am craving the return of my unshakable confidence. The most healthy by product of that feeling will be the other craziness that dissipates then, too. The unnerving feeling that every person is talking about you, feels sorry for you. thinks less than of you. It's good to know that this bit of angst is born out of my own head and will go away once I am feeling fit and friskier, When I am feeling off my game, it is easier to think the worst of everyone, because it is so easy to think the worst of myself then as well. That is so yesterday.
Today's me drinks water instead of soda.
Today's me takes time for a walk, instead of sitting at my desk all day.
Today's me wants to see how far I can go, just because I can.
Today's me is an athlete waiting to happen.
Whatever it is, sparkies, that you have a little glimmer of - of who you want to become, - just believe that is possible, and take one step forward...today.
Tomorrow, we will take two steps.
See you at the finish line.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
I had this thought noodling around in my head as I went to bed last night - "What is really important?" When I woke up, this answer popped out.
What's important for me is having the courage to believe in myself against all odds.
There that's it. It is not that I will look great in a certain dress, or be able to pull that jacket out of my closet I have not worn in 3 years, it is not being able to be a perfect size.
What is important to me is having the unshakable confidence that I can do anything. When I feel that way, I know everything falls into place.
My 4am gym plan is not very feasible for me. I am a roll out of bed at the last second kind of girl. I am a lifetime card-carrying member of the 5 more minutes club. I have been reluctant to follow the route of going to the gym after work because in my mind, it takes away some time with DH. It is true to a little extent, but there is a part of me that believes that if I don't take the time to work out now, then I am shortening my lifetime with DH. It's kind of like a health version of my 401k. If I don't sock the savings away now, what will I have for my future?
DH leaves for work an hour before me, and he does not subscribe to get up as late as possible. Au contraire, he is mr. morning and wakes up to drink a full pot of kona (solo) and watch the news before he leaves for work (at 4am). That seems kind of silly. :)
So now that I know what's important to me - attaining my level of unshakable confidence, how do I get there? Baby steps. Making promises to myself and keeping them. Following my plan. Doing what is best for me (without harming those around me).
I did not eat bfast before I left home. I stopped at the cafeteria and bought a half pint of milk and a box of cheerios. I actually stood there and read the labels of the cereals to find the lowest carbs. Almost all of the cereals (when combined with milk) fall outside of the guidelines for my plan. I have type 2 diabetes. I won't pretend I have been the poster child for compliance, but I am trying to turn over a new leaf.
Here's to baby steps and the courage to take them. What gives you unshakable confidence sparkies?
Monday, December 05, 2011
Here's what I need --- and I need to do it for myself --- and if I can the ripple effects will be felt by many
I need to get my butt out of bed and go to the gym to strength train and ride the bike, and at some point get moving on the elliptical.
The weights though - that is numero uno ---
If anyone wants to help me to shake my tailfeathers out of bed at 4am (eastern standard time) so I can get to gym for a half hour work out by 4am, have at it. Going to bed early is rough for me. I usually work til around 630pm and then drive about an hour to get home.
I am so not a morning person. I have short bouts where I pretend I embrace mornings and it goes well and then I am right back to night owling.
I'm not making excuses - I am trying to come up with a doable plan.
For this week, I will aim to get to the gym once.
I'm still walking and working out with my wii too. I need more activity to get healthy.
Time to shake it. :)
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Well here's a first. I dumped out the sweet and sour sauce that arrived with our Chinese food delivery. I had asked for hot pepper oil for hubby but I guess they got confused. No matter. In the past, I would have put my rice directly into it and soaked it all up. I do have a sweetness "problem" so I am realizing that if I don't start with something, it is easier for me to avoid it. I used this moment as a major step forward for myself. I am not doing everything perfectly, but I am making some darn good moves. Big. bold strokes.
I'll be doing some of the wii before bed. I'll gather my lunch items for the a.m. I will fill my water bottle. I will go to bed at a reasonable hour. I'll pray, I'll meditate, and I will go to bed relaxed and happy. I had a good day - made some good steps.
Hope you had some encouraging steps this weekend, sparkies.
Little by little, we'll get the job done!
Thursday, December 01, 2011
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. (You Dickens fans will know that line is lovingly lifted.)
I had awesome day if not excruciatingly busy at work. Still, my first meeting of the day was well planned for, and I aced it. I did not have an expectation that one of the attendees was going to be a big mucky mucky, - I found out 5 mins before she arrived, I still hit it out of the park. Bombshell perfect. I aced it baby.
I left work late and smartly drank a latte to wake up before hitting the road. Happily, I was very alert when 3 deer charged in front of my car on the way home. It is pretty common to see them but they popped out of nowhere, involved slamming brakes, and a very alert moi to realize that there were more coming - not just one. Whew.
When I got home in the driveway, I had a really rough time extricating myself from the car. It should not be like this. I had to re-contort myself back in the car in order to try to move my leg in a different direction to get it out. I was stuck. To make matters worse, I was wearing my gray elastic waisted leggings which proceeded to basically peel down my legs so my butt was hanging out in the car. Super.
THEN, my neighbor, who I don't exactly cherish comes out of his house. I am half out of the car, half out of my pants, and need to slide back in the car, and pull the door half shut so he doesn't see me. He probably did see me, but it is the best I could do. Mortifying would be a step up.
He drives off. I shimmy down in the seat, manage to pull my pants as tight up as I can, and re-maneuver so I can get my leg out and hoist the rest of myself up. Truly, having a toyota corolla is not the best in this case, but I am making so much worse on myself.
I drew my line in the sand tonight. I told myself (Mar, no more food. It is over.)
I made the plea bargain with God in the driveway if he got me out of the car, I would stop gorging myself. So now, I need to follow through.
The car is just another point on the horizon really. This season I have passed up
(free) tickets to see an actor/comedian someone most people would give their right arm to see, because I don't think I am going to fit in the seats. I bypassed a business trip to Texas because I could not face the airplane. I have missed untold opportunities because I am unable to use a regular seat, etc.
Mentally, I am in one of the healthiest points of my life. Now, I just really need to rock the action and fix my food problems. I did walk a lot for me today. I handled it, and it gave me the motivation to do it again tomorrow. Real activity has been missing from my life for a while. Really, it's over. I want a good life back. I deserve it, It's my life to live (and love.)
So, I am pulling my big girl pants back on and taking over this body of mine. I am a rockstar, even though I have just seen rockbottom.
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