Thursday, December 01, 2011
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. (You Dickens fans will know that line is lovingly lifted.)
I had awesome day if not excruciatingly busy at work. Still, my first meeting of the day was well planned for, and I aced it. I did not have an expectation that one of the attendees was going to be a big mucky mucky, - I found out 5 mins before she arrived, I still hit it out of the park. Bombshell perfect. I aced it baby.
I left work late and smartly drank a latte to wake up before hitting the road. Happily, I was very alert when 3 deer charged in front of my car on the way home. It is pretty common to see them but they popped out of nowhere, involved slamming brakes, and a very alert moi to realize that there were more coming - not just one. Whew.
When I got home in the driveway, I had a really rough time extricating myself from the car. It should not be like this. I had to re-contort myself back in the car in order to try to move my leg in a different direction to get it out. I was stuck. To make matters worse, I was wearing my gray elastic waisted leggings which proceeded to basically peel down my legs so my butt was hanging out in the car. Super.
THEN, my neighbor, who I don't exactly cherish comes out of his house. I am half out of the car, half out of my pants, and need to slide back in the car, and pull the door half shut so he doesn't see me. He probably did see me, but it is the best I could do. Mortifying would be a step up.
He drives off. I shimmy down in the seat, manage to pull my pants as tight up as I can, and re-maneuver so I can get my leg out and hoist the rest of myself up. Truly, having a toyota corolla is not the best in this case, but I am making so much worse on myself.
I drew my line in the sand tonight. I told myself (Mar, no more food. It is over.)
I made the plea bargain with God in the driveway if he got me out of the car, I would stop gorging myself. So now, I need to follow through.
The car is just another point on the horizon really. This season I have passed up
(free) tickets to see an actor/comedian someone most people would give their right arm to see, because I don't think I am going to fit in the seats. I bypassed a business trip to Texas because I could not face the airplane. I have missed untold opportunities because I am unable to use a regular seat, etc.
Mentally, I am in one of the healthiest points of my life. Now, I just really need to rock the action and fix my food problems. I did walk a lot for me today. I handled it, and it gave me the motivation to do it again tomorrow. Real activity has been missing from my life for a while. Really, it's over. I want a good life back. I deserve it, It's my life to live (and love.)
So, I am pulling my big girl pants back on and taking over this body of mine. I am a rockstar, even though I have just seen rockbottom.
Monday, November 28, 2011
I woke up early this a.m. in the three o'clock hour and sat up for a bit. I whipped out my long neglected journal and penned a thought that popped into my head: I am cherished by many. I don't know where that thought came from or why it just popped out, but it did so I wrote it down. Not sure if I will be able to re-read my 3am scrawl but I can re-read this. :)
I read for a smidge. Fell back asleep for a while, and was back up again before my alarms went off. I have about 5 of them set in various stages of snooze on my cell phone. I meditated for a little while, then got up and did the wii, made myself a breakfast smoothie (pumpkin soymilk and frozen cherries) and carried myself into work.
It is going to be a non stop busy day, but I have set myself up to have a good day.
Hope your day is equally embraced, sparkies!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Here's my foray into sharing my angst instead of swallowing it down.
I was a messy kid. Very messy.
I still have tendencies to let clutter pile up, but I am a far cry from where I once was. There's a story told with occasional regularity, (but enough to get under my skin) of a neighbor who had to climb in my room over the piles to help my mother get into the house when she left without a key. Years later...M-A-N-Y years later, I am still hearing this story....It's probably about 30 years old if not more so - but even know it makes me wince, and makes my mother really cringe -- not enough to say something to the story teller - mind you - which also bothers me - but enough to tell me later that it has been told again. OUCH.
I want to scream shut the (you probably know what I really want to insert here)... up, and a few other choice things. It does not escape me that the family of this person has had some really rocky roads lately, which makes me think, she is trying to divert attention away from her own figurative messes, but seriously, I am tired of it. I'm not sure why my mother tells me --- perhaps to make me feel shame for it --- or repent, or what? I don't know.
I know she would NOT want me to address it. I like to confront situations, even though there are times, when this is not the best solution. Said person is not only a friend to my mother for 50+ years, but is a neighbor, and my ahem, godmother. That does not help really.
Both my mother and motor mouth are in the 80's and that adds another dimension to this. Is it worth saying something? Probably not. DO I want to - yes, sort of - but it would cripple my mother and she would not be any happier with me because of it. It will be hard for me to "let this go" but getting it out here, instead of looking for an answer for it in the refrigerator is actually enormously helpful. I just shed a couple of tears about it when telling my husband, and he looked like a deer in the headlights...In other words, "don't ask me." ha ha. At least, he listened.
So, thanks for letting me unload this here, and not go in search of something sweet to soothe me, when that would really not help at all. I am going in search of some wire and beads and will make some earrings instead. Anyone who wants a pair, can shoot me their address in my mailbox and I will send you a pair.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Here's an obvious question:
Who wants to be fat?
Not me! I am so sick of it. I am tired of waddling around, and having a fit of not being able to swing my leg out of my car to get out like every other able bodied person on the planet.
I am crippling my body by eating one piece of crap at a time.
I need to change myself. I need to remember that I have bigger plans for myself. These plans include walking 20 minutes a day which I have been doing, but I also see now that I need to do more.
I have to trust myself that I am capable of doing so much more and stop freaking worrying what other people think or want for my life. This is up to me to make changes that I can live with and that I want for myself.
I want to stop lying and pretending that everything is ok as is. It is really not.
I am a beautiful, loving, compassionately crazy (in a good way) devoted wife, manager and friend. I have abandoned myself too easily and given into the temptations of eating and satisfying myself with the sweet items that make me momentarily happy. I need to nourish my body and cherish my temple that houses my spirit. I need to lift myself up to the highest plane and recognize that I am oh so worthy and embrace that too.
It is hard to want something that takes so much work, and know that you can do, even though you have fallen short so many times. It is not about believing. I believe it. It is just that I need to do it, and stop tiring out so easily.
Who is with me sparkies? Come beat down this fat with me. I want more. I am going to get it!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Old thinking is no longer welcome around here.
I watched myself from afar for a minute yesterday. I realized that behavior that was accepting as gospel is no longer the truth for me. I indulged in a few too many pieces of chocolate yesterday and automatically, I went into my previous throw in the towel mode, and thought, "what's the use?" Seriously, I did. I admit it.
That is so yesterday. I am not the same girl who would see the lack of separation between moving and eating. I once told my previous trainer that I could NOT do my walk because I had eaten poorly. He had no idea what I was talking about. Once upon a time, I did not see the difference between those two behaviors. It was my perfectionist tendency getting the best of me. I say it out loud now, and it sounds like the reasoning of a crackhead. I know. ha ha.
Chocolate does not keep a good woman down. At least not here, and not anymore. I got up early this a.m. and did 15 mins of wii time. HA! Take that!
I had a smile on my face walking out the door for work. yeah! It's Friday, baby! Woo hoo!
I'll be away in Gettysburg, PA this weekend and while I won't have my wii time, I will have plenty of walking around. Have a great weekend, sparkies!
What sorts of thinking have you changed?
Get An Email Alert Each Time MICKEYMAX Posts