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Rockbottom Rockstar

Thursday, December 01, 2011

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. (You Dickens fans will know that line is lovingly lifted.)

I had awesome day if not excruciatingly busy at work. Still, my first meeting of the day was well planned for, and I aced it. I did not have an expectation that one of the attendees was going to be a big mucky mucky, - I found out 5 mins before she arrived, I still hit it out of the park. Bombshell perfect. I aced it baby.

I left work late and smartly drank a latte to wake up before hitting the road. Happily, I was very alert when 3 deer charged in front of my car on the way home. It is pretty common to see them but they popped out of nowhere, involved slamming brakes, and a very alert moi to realize that there were more coming - not just one. Whew.

When I got home in the driveway, I had a really rough time extricating myself from the car. It should not be like this. I had to re-contort myself back in the car in order to try to move my leg in a different direction to get it out. I was stuck. To make matters worse, I was wearing my gray elastic waisted leggings which proceeded to basically peel down my legs so my butt was hanging out in the car. Super.

THEN, my neighbor, who I don't exactly cherish comes out of his house. I am half out of the car, half out of my pants, and need to slide back in the car, and pull the door half shut so he doesn't see me. He probably did see me, but it is the best I could do. Mortifying would be a step up.

He drives off. I shimmy down in the seat, manage to pull my pants as tight up as I can, and re-maneuver so I can get my leg out and hoist the rest of myself up. Truly, having a toyota corolla is not the best in this case, but I am making so much worse on myself.

I drew my line in the sand tonight. I told myself (Mar, no more food. It is over.)
I made the plea bargain with God in the driveway if he got me out of the car, I would stop gorging myself. So now, I need to follow through.

The car is just another point on the horizon really. This season I have passed up
(free) tickets to see an actor/comedian someone most people would give their right arm to see, because I don't think I am going to fit in the seats. I bypassed a business trip to Texas because I could not face the airplane. I have missed untold opportunities because I am unable to use a regular seat, etc.

Mentally, I am in one of the healthiest points of my life. Now, I just really need to rock the action and fix my food problems. I did walk a lot for me today. I handled it, and it gave me the motivation to do it again tomorrow. Real activity has been missing from my life for a while. Really, it's over. I want a good life back. I deserve it, It's my life to live (and love.)

So, I am pulling my big girl pants back on and taking over this body of mine. I am a rockstar, even though I have just seen rockbottom.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDAINALABAMA 12/4/2011 10:44PM

    thanks so much for sharing this. i have troubled getting in and out of my car too. i think sometimes i might get a suv but my great car is paid for.

i like your line in the sand!!!

linda emoticon

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LRNG2SWET 12/3/2011 11:20AM

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud with the neighbor / leggings story.
But regarding the rest, I feel your pain. I was having such a difficult time doing things as well when I started this journey 4mo ago. Pain - any type, is a motivator.

The great Mary Kay Ash used to say (I dont know if she is the author of this saying) That change occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
God bless you and I wish you much success in this battle. emoticon

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JENN03275 12/3/2011 9:23AM

    You can ROCK this!!

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LINTPICKER 12/3/2011 8:17AM

    You do rock! and you are worth it!

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SUZWARNR 12/3/2011 7:20AM

    You can do this!! Sometimes, you have to reach that point of no return before you can truly commit to what you want to do. That's what happened to me almost 4 years ago now. I reached a point in my life when I said, enough is enough. I'm tired of being fat, not fitting into clothes. I don't like who I am. I'm starting today to change all this. It didn't happen overnight, but look where I am now. You can do this and you're in the best place for it. Keep going, rockstar!

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BESTCK 12/2/2011 12:19PM

    You are a Rock Star to share this. Do you have any idea how much better you make people feel when they can know they are not alone in their struggle; their embarrassment?

You are going to ROCK December.

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    You're amazing, do you know that!?

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DOODIE59 12/2/2011 10:25AM

    The emotions in your blog had me coming and going. Chuckling out loud at your humour and feeling the mortification of the car seat struggle.

You have your line in the sand, and that is good. Just remember to do this out of love for yourself. You know you have a lot to offer. Everyday is a new day to be lived fully and richly. Some days will be "perfect" in terms of food and exercise, some days will be "perfect" because something wonderful happened, and -- yep -- some days won't be perfect. It's all OK. Treat yourself the way you'd treat your cherished best friend. Good things will come from that.


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CIVIAV 12/2/2011 9:35AM

    It's another level. My big aha moment was different and my current situation not exactly the same but it revolves around the same thing. Wanting a great life to live. I do too!

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DIFROMWYOMING 12/2/2011 8:45AM

    Oh Mar I am sitting here relating to every thing you just posted. I too have noticed that my recent add on of weight has me struggling again to do things I could do just months ago. We went to a movie this week and I have not had to think twice about that for a long time, but I could barely fit in the seat at all, and when it came time to get out...I had a moment of panic when I thought I was stuck. I acted a bit like it was just soreness causing the slow movement, but it was honest to goodness upset that I was so wedged in there! Oh Mar, I am with you all the way. This must stop, and we can again rock our days with positives. Every step: I'm with you.

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SARAWALKS 12/2/2011 7:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MUGGLE_MOM 12/2/2011 6:44AM

    Oh Mickey Max, You are a ROCKSTAR!

What a roller coaster of a day. Huge Kudos for your ups, and my heart just breaks for you for your downs. What a tough situation today. I am so impressed that you had the fortitude to write about it, get it out, and use it as motivation. You could just as easily eaten a pint or half gallon of ice cream and cried. You truly are a ROCKSTAR!!!!

You can absolutely do this. Set up your environment, practice your self talk, get your movement in. You are on your way. You can do this.One baby step at a time.

You Go Girl!!!!

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 12/2/2011 12:10AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAVERICK59 12/1/2011 11:41PM

    You are a rockstar in my eyes! I too have a list of missed and mourned opportunities because of my weight. Even after losing 82 pounds, I still cannot get a tape measure around these hips. I am so there with you girl.
We do this one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.
I always ask God to send me extra Angels if he has any to spare because I need an army from Heaven.
Lets stay focused and change our lives.

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SPRINGRS 12/1/2011 11:26PM

    You go girl!

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Waking Thoughts

Monday, November 28, 2011

I woke up early this a.m. in the three o'clock hour and sat up for a bit. I whipped out my long neglected journal and penned a thought that popped into my head: I am cherished by many. I don't know where that thought came from or why it just popped out, but it did so I wrote it down. Not sure if I will be able to re-read my 3am scrawl but I can re-read this. :)

I read for a smidge. Fell back asleep for a while, and was back up again before my alarms went off. I have about 5 of them set in various stages of snooze on my cell phone. I meditated for a little while, then got up and did the wii, made myself a breakfast smoothie (pumpkin soymilk and frozen cherries) and carried myself into work.

It is going to be a non stop busy day, but I have set myself up to have a good day.
Woo hoo!

Hope your day is equally embraced, sparkies!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYSPARKS 11/29/2011 11:32AM

    Wishing you a good day too!!

Wendy emoticon

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CIVIAV 11/29/2011 11:31AM


How beautiful a thought to have...

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 11/29/2011 1:51AM

    Hope you had a good day!

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MUGGLE_MOM 11/28/2011 2:16PM

    You are absolutely cherished by many! Please make sure that I'm on that list!

Sounds like a good morning (when do you sleep?!?!)

You are a ROCKSTAR!!!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/28/2011 11:28AM

    I WANT to have a better attitude, but I did not sleep well at all, and I'm dragging so badly! I hope I can get awake and embrace the day like you have! emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 11/28/2011 8:35AM

    Sometimes it is so hard for us to remember how important we are to others! That's wonderful that you journaled. I love to do that. It gives me a chance to "catch up" with my thoughts and reach a peaceful place.

Hope you have a wonderful MOnday!

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DOODIE59 11/28/2011 8:09AM

    Setting yourself up for a good day is what it's all about:)

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BESTCK 11/28/2011 7:16AM

    What a wonderful way to start your day! (And make good use of insomnia! LOL) Have a great one.

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Not looking for answers in the fridge

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Here's my foray into sharing my angst instead of swallowing it down.

I was a messy kid. Very messy.

I still have tendencies to let clutter pile up, but I am a far cry from where I once was. There's a story told with occasional regularity, (but enough to get under my skin) of a neighbor who had to climb in my room over the piles to help my mother get into the house when she left without a key. Years later...M-A-N-Y years later, I am still hearing this story....It's probably about 30 years old if not more so - but even know it makes me wince, and makes my mother really cringe -- not enough to say something to the story teller - mind you - which also bothers me - but enough to tell me later that it has been told again. OUCH.

I want to scream shut the (you probably know what I really want to insert here)... up, and a few other choice things. It does not escape me that the family of this person has had some really rocky roads lately, which makes me think, she is trying to divert attention away from her own figurative messes, but seriously, I am tired of it. I'm not sure why my mother tells me --- perhaps to make me feel shame for it --- or repent, or what? I don't know.

I know she would NOT want me to address it. I like to confront situations, even though there are times, when this is not the best solution. Said person is not only a friend to my mother for 50+ years, but is a neighbor, and my ahem, godmother. That does not help really.

Both my mother and motor mouth are in the 80's and that adds another dimension to this. Is it worth saying something? Probably not. DO I want to - yes, sort of - but it would cripple my mother and she would not be any happier with me because of it. It will be hard for me to "let this go" but getting it out here, instead of looking for an answer for it in the refrigerator is actually enormously helpful. I just shed a couple of tears about it when telling my husband, and he looked like a deer in the headlights...In other words, "don't ask me." ha ha. At least, he listened.

So, thanks for letting me unload this here, and not go in search of something sweet to soothe me, when that would really not help at all. I am going in search of some wire and beads and will make some earrings instead. Anyone who wants a pair, can shoot me their address in my mailbox and I will send you a pair.

Cheers, sparkies!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHANGE_4_ME 11/29/2011 12:25PM

    Most of the comments are on target, I especially agree with MuggleMom & Kateschoice. Love your diversion of activity above stewing on the upsetting thought. Hang in there!HUGS!


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NOTABOUTHEFACE 11/27/2011 11:59AM

    I'd love to add my sunshine to this but I don't feel being old is an excuse to be rude. To me it's not about changing someone but letting them know that they're hurting your feelings. It doesn't have to be done in front of anyone else or in a hurtful way but for me, it's just unacceptable because I can only hold my tongue so long if it's chipping away at my self esteem. If you can let it go, go on ya. You're a better woman than I am! ;)

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_KATHY 11/27/2011 10:13AM

    All good advice. You can't do anything about the thoughts and comments of 80 year olds. My Mom is 83. She gets fixated on a thought and there is no diverting it no matter how many times I've heard it. Patience and tolerance is the only way to go.

I don't think you will allow this to get under your skin when you yourself realize and believe that the messy girl deserved forgiveness, love and understanding then just as much as the grown up girl does now. When we know better, we do better.

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BESTCK 11/27/2011 9:18AM

    This is a wonderful entry. I, myself, am trying to learn not to be so reactionary to the things my mother says, now that she's older.

And if it's any consolation? When I was a teenager I used to love going to my Bestie's house because she had a room similar to yours and it was like going on a treasure hunt for me. My mother made sure everything in my room was spic and span all the time so I loved going to my friends' houses where there stuff was all in piles.

Viva la difference!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/26/2011 10:46PM

    Oh, I am SO proud of you! I have such a tendency to spout off "because I have the right", or because I believe someone else has wronged me, etc. It does no good to do this, and after so many times of regretting it, I think I'm finally learning! No, please don't say anything. It takes a LOT more character and courage to forgive the commenter than to avenge yourself. emoticon emoticon

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MUGGLE_MOM 11/26/2011 9:54PM

    OmG! A 20-30 year old story. Let it go. I am so proud of you for letting it out here. I can only speak for me, but letting it out here, helps me tremendously with not pushing it down with food, or soothing myself with sweets. I find it much easier to let it go once its out in the open. A lot of those emotions aren't as big and bad in the light of day as they are in the dark recesses of my mind.

In their 80's, mom and god mom aren't going to change. As to their motivation? Who knows. All that matters is that it has nothing to do with you. Its all about them. You're no longer a kid living in your mom's house. You're a fantastic married woman, a full time employee, and a home owner. The condition of your home, room, desk, whatever is all about you and has absolutely no baring on anything involving them.

Please don't let this fester. Let it out. Move it away. and next time its brought up, just do the same. You are a ROCKSTAR.

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SARAWALKS 11/26/2011 9:44PM

    emoticon Oh, those well-trodden memory lanes...ugh...we all have our versions of this same thing...I DID actually ask my mother to stop telling me when my aunt would say certain things...not sure it helped...I think the reason she was telling me was just because she didn't have anyone else to tell and she needed to let it out too...
But no harm to ask...sometimes I wonder if parents realize at all how much this type of thing hurts. emoticon
I would love some earrings but I hate to ask you to mail them...thanks for offering, you are a sweetie, you! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 11/26/2011 9:21PM

    i love the title of this blog and really needed it. I have been doing great and for some reason(and I am not upset or anything), I am a raging chocolholic today. I just inputed everything and if I stop RIGHT NOW, I will not be over my range. I like the idea of making something, maybe I will work on my christmas card list (the gifts I bought are already wrapped dang it!) but it is a good plan and I appreciate you bringing it up. I would LOVE earings that you made and will send you my address. You are sooo sweet.

NOW, about whatshername: I gotta tell you, being 80? she is NOT gonna change and she is not gonna quit. Not because YOU are a bad person but because SHE got to be the Hero! She isnt tearing you down but building herself up! Maybe you can say to her next time something along the lines of "You know Mary, that was such a low point and having you rescue Mom the way you did, well, it sure helped me change my life and since then I have never let things get so out of control, so THANK YOU." She wont quit telling it but at least you wont feel so crappy about it.

As for your mom, can you ask her to please not tell you when "Mary" brings it up? Maybe tell her it makes you feel bad? If that doesnt work, maybe you could go with, "well, Mom, I bet you never forgot your keys again!!". Try humor. I know you have a great one cause I have been your friend on here for awhile.

And your husband? yea,once the tears come out, they freak....lol...

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The Be All and End All

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Here's an obvious question:

Who wants to be fat?

Not me! I am so sick of it. I am tired of waddling around, and having a fit of not being able to swing my leg out of my car to get out like every other able bodied person on the planet.

I am crippling my body by eating one piece of crap at a time.

I need to change myself. I need to remember that I have bigger plans for myself. These plans include walking 20 minutes a day which I have been doing, but I also see now that I need to do more.

I have to trust myself that I am capable of doing so much more and stop freaking worrying what other people think or want for my life. This is up to me to make changes that I can live with and that I want for myself.

I want to stop lying and pretending that everything is ok as is. It is really not.

I am a beautiful, loving, compassionately crazy (in a good way) devoted wife, manager and friend. I have abandoned myself too easily and given into the temptations of eating and satisfying myself with the sweet items that make me momentarily happy. I need to nourish my body and cherish my temple that houses my spirit. I need to lift myself up to the highest plane and recognize that I am oh so worthy and embrace that too.

It is hard to want something that takes so much work, and know that you can do, even though you have fallen short so many times. It is not about believing. I believe it. It is just that I need to do it, and stop tiring out so easily.

Who is with me sparkies? Come beat down this fat with me. I want more. I am going to get it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PINK-PEONY 12/1/2011 9:58PM

    Yes, yes, yes! Me, too!


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TEDDYBEARGIRL 11/29/2011 1:50AM


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ANNECEK 11/24/2011 9:57PM

    Oh, you are so worth the work!! It is everyday and everyday but with persistence and a little forgiveness, you will have the gift of a healthier you! I'm with you, two hands up! emoticon

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DOODIE59 11/24/2011 12:05PM

    Go get it, Mickey! You deserve it.

Just a reminder that those 20 minutes of walking every day are a gift to yourself in and of themselves. They do not need to be about weight loss. Walking gives you energy, a time to think motivational thoughts and make plans ... breathe in lots of crisp, fresh air ...


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BESTCK 11/24/2011 11:44AM

    I'm with you, Mickey! Let's DO THIS! Happy Thanksgiving.

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CIVIAV 11/24/2011 9:00AM

    It is so true we deserve much, much more. I am thankful for that today and especially grateful for the increasing self love I find here on Spark.

Go get em Woman!

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LINTPICKER 11/24/2011 8:06AM

    I am totally with you!! It is too easy to give in! We need to be strong and resist temptations! We can do this!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/24/2011 12:35AM

    You'll do it, I know you will. I hope your Thanksgiving is full of joy, too! emoticon

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GAYLE-G-63 11/23/2011 10:13PM

    I'M WITH YOU 100%!!!

Thanks for such an uplifting blog! It was just what I needed tonight!


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Threw Out the Welcome Mat

Friday, November 18, 2011

Old thinking is no longer welcome around here.

I watched myself from afar for a minute yesterday. I realized that behavior that was accepting as gospel is no longer the truth for me. I indulged in a few too many pieces of chocolate yesterday and automatically, I went into my previous throw in the towel mode, and thought, "what's the use?" Seriously, I did. I admit it.

That is so yesterday. I am not the same girl who would see the lack of separation between moving and eating. I once told my previous trainer that I could NOT do my walk because I had eaten poorly. He had no idea what I was talking about. Once upon a time, I did not see the difference between those two behaviors. It was my perfectionist tendency getting the best of me. I say it out loud now, and it sounds like the reasoning of a crackhead. I know. ha ha.

Chocolate does not keep a good woman down. At least not here, and not anymore. I got up early this a.m. and did 15 mins of wii time. HA! Take that!

I had a smile on my face walking out the door for work. yeah! It's Friday, baby! Woo hoo!

I'll be away in Gettysburg, PA this weekend and while I won't have my wii time, I will have plenty of walking around. Have a great weekend, sparkies!

What sorts of thinking have you changed?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VAMPIREKITCHEN 11/22/2011 3:15PM

    The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was thinking that exercising gave me the right to eat whatever I wanted. I had to drop that mindset in order to lose any weight. Once I did, it started coming off!

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BESTCK 11/21/2011 6:40AM

    I agree with you that rigid planning can lead to failure just as fast as no planning at all. I love your way of making sure you have the ingredients on hand to do what works for you.

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DIFROMWYOMING 11/19/2011 9:06PM

    Congrats! and emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Have a wonderful weekend my friend!

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LINTPICKER 11/19/2011 6:06AM

    WTG! Thanks for the motivational blog!

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KKINNEA 11/18/2011 2:44PM

    Great! I'm learning to just do something and not let things prevent me from moving forward.

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 11/18/2011 1:52PM

    That I have learned that nothing we do in this weight loss journey can be tempory it has to be a life time life style change to last.

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CIVIAV 11/18/2011 1:42PM

    I no longer am willing to listen to the ugly voice in my head!

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GEEKSMEGGLY 11/18/2011 11:07AM


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_KATHY 11/18/2011 11:05AM

    You are awesome! Have a great weekend!

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1CRAZYDOG 11/18/2011 10:36AM

    Perfectionism -- that was me too! Perfectionism leads to inertia for me. Was afraid of failure so didn't even TRY!

NOW my thinking is, OK, first of all there is no such word as TRY -- you don't TRY to breathe -- you either do -- or NOT -- and of course there are dire consequences to not breathing! LOL So I DO -- not TRY to do. And if I fail, well, I've learned two things:

1. apparently that is not the way to accomplish what I'm wanting to accomplish.

2. I will learn a NEW, IMPROVED, BETTER way to do it that WILL allow me to reach my goal!

Have a fantastic weekend. Be a Sparker!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/18/2011 10:16AM

    That is FANTABULOUS! I'm really proud of you for snapping out of our old whacky thinking! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KELLYDRESCHER 11/18/2011 9:05AM

    That's awesome. It feels amazing when it feels like you are in control of you instead of say... chocolate. I hope you have a great time on your trip. I'm sure you'll get in plenty of exercise.

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JESSBOND 11/18/2011 8:53AM

    Good job! When you start checking your behaviors and throwing the bad ones away, you are getting closer to your goals!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 11/18/2011 8:48AM

    Way to kick it in the tail and get in some Wii time. I'm proud of you!

I hope you have a lovely weekend. Enjoy!


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DOODIE59 11/18/2011 8:38AM

    Way to go, Mickey. You are doing this for you:)

It is amazing how physical movement (no matter how much or how little) lifts the spirits, isn't it? Makes much more seem possible ...

Here's to endless possibilities, and a rewritten future!

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