Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I don't have much to say today except for a thought I have been noodling over the last few days:
There are miles between can't and don't.
There are some many things I could be doing and yet I don't - it's not because I am unable to do them, I just get lazy, or overwhelmed, or both, and unless I am mindful of it, I have slipped back into a routine which is not on the path to wellness.
I am now fighting back a bit of sickness. I think I am overcoming it. I am channeling my infection fighting cells to stand up and fight back.
I have work stress which is compounded by a person who makes me feel as if she is stalking me. I did one nice thing for her, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but has come back to haunt me. I was glad I could reach out and be compassionate to her at the time, but beware of the rent-a-friend syndrome. Yikes.
What good things do I have on tap for myself today?
1> Drink morning tea (check)
2> Spark (check)
3> Clip coupons
4> Take a stroll in the sunshine (it's dark when I come to work and leave work)
5> Leave work by 6:15pm
6> Make 1 pair of earrings tonight
7> Read a few blogs. :)
What are you going to do for yourselves, sparkies
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I've been thinking a lot this week, from deep in my funk, and then at moments, not so deep.
However, I have been contemplating myself. Thinking of myself having my heart broken and feeling like it was shattered into a thousand pieces about ten years ago, and then putting myself back together. Feeling scarred, never perfect, but pieced together, nonetheless.
Feeling smacked down again a couple of years ago, and yet not quite as broken that time. It's a start, feeling like it's a bit easier to pick up the pieces, and easier to find yourself again.
Again, not perfect, maybe never perfect, and maybe just now there are like 30 pieces missing, not the whole freaking' puzzle. Hmmm. What do we do now, Rebuild it all over again?
No, not necessary. Just reinvent it. So that is what I am doing...reinventing myself from some of the pieces I found, and sticking the rest in a paper bag and dropping it on the bottom shelf in the kitchen. Who am I now?
I am a person who accepts myself as a perfectly flawed human being and loves myself as is.
I am a person who recognizes that I can be who I want to be, and change the parts of myself that I am ready to change.
I love myself enough to shape myself into a respected, loved/lovable person.
I appreciate myself as a courageous, faithful warrior, who is not afraid to love, just because the outcome is unknowing.
Today when I was leaving work, I spotted several people I knew - some only by face, but not by name. Each one of them made a point to say hi, and/or by my name. It was a great illustration to me that I am loved and appreciated by those around me, even when I am less than caring for myself. Interesting. (Insert thought to ponder.)
Each step I move forward is a step in the right direction. I need not be perfect on any given day. I can step forward in faith and make efforts on my own behalf so that enough consistent steps placed one after the other will equal the journey and destination where I am headed.
I have friends who have managed incredible weight loss. This is how they did it. Setting up a road map, acting on it, adjusting along the way as needed, and perseverance and consistency.
I have just separated my actions from my deep soul person. I may act a certain way because of the person I am, but doing these things or not does not affect the beautiful deserving person I am.
I'm with my friend, Di, no more punishing myself just because I did not live up to my own expectation of myself. If something is not working, change. That is all it takes.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't fix everything.
It's not stopping me from being optimistic. I am a person who thrives on looking at things from the sunny side of the street. Oh sure, I have my down days, but honestly, when I focus on what's eating me, more often than not, I can spin into a downward spiral that does nothing to lift me out of a funk or make me do anything but feel sorry for myself.
Some author (Jack Canfield?) wrote, "I can't afford the luxury of a negative thought."
So I am focusing on the positive.
What can I do to Reinvent myself today?
Well, for one I am VISUALIZING myself doing active things.
I am reminding myself of the first thing a former trainer once said to, "You can walk 20 minutes can't you?" (issued more or less as a challenge when I was in one of those self loathing funks.)
I am embracing myself as a warrior spirit and a go-to/get the job done person, because actually that is how many others see me.
I set the tone for my day. Today is going to be a fabulous day. I have no shortage of things wrong in my life, but I refuse to let it get to me so that I stop my quest of making myself numero uno. I deserve the best life I can have, and part of that includes taking care of myself so that I can help others.
My goals are set:
WALK 7,000 steps
GET A FLU SHOT
WISH MY DAD A HAPPY BDAY
ENJOY MY LIFE!!!
Wishing you an action-packed, happy, fun filled day. May there be many more roses than thorns.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I think I am shell shocked by a revelation I've had in the last couple of days.
Growing up, I was mostly friends with boys my age. I did have an occasional girl as a BFF, but mostly I was a tomboy who either hung out with my brothers, and a few guy friends.
Inevitably, I would develop crushes on those guy friends through the years.
The fact that nothing transpired with them other than deep meaningful friendship was always something I viewed as a flaw in myself. As it turns out, this was completely unfounded. I am shocked by this new vision in my life. I am seeing myself in new eyes, because I just found out that one in particular that I had pinned my hopes and dreams on once upon a time is gay. I just reconnected with him after many years. He elaborated that he has been with "Frank" for 17 yrs. WTF? I was completely oblivious to this.
Two others also fall into this category. It is very freeing to realize this, and I am marveling that these episodes had nothing to do with me. (Inner yippee!) It's also a bit of a surprise to see that there were several boys (now men) that I was close to that I never knew. I guess in my day and age, folks were less open about it. I embrace them fully as my friends, and would not want to change a thing about them. It's just that I wonder if I knew back then, would I have treated myself a little nicer? Hearing about the third one among my small circle made me see this as all connected.
Can't go back - only move forward. I move forward with fresh eyes, to look at a situation from another angle and force myself when needed to shift the focus away from me. I need to remind myself that whatever the situation, it could likely have nothing to do with me. That is a happy revelation. It's time I stop blaming myself for what is wrong in the world.
What can you do for yourselves, sparkies?
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