Saturday, September 10, 2011
Facing the Past, and accepting the past, makes it easier to move forward to your future. I was determined that even though I did not want to go face my deceased friend's family alone, I would go as it is the 10th anniversary of his death. He died in the line of duty in the World Trade Center.
It has been years, since we have been together. maybe 5 or 7? I'm not sure. I just know that I was disappointed in my husband for not be willing to come, and still I managed it alone. The drive went through some really crazy NYC highways (OMG!) but patting myself on the back, I made it. I did it. Alone.
I didn't know my way around the destination either, but I followed my spidey senses, and managed. When I got to face to face with his wife, I burst out crying for a moment. I noticed something that surprised me. "I" was the only one crying. I miss my friend terribly, even still. But out of all of the people that were there, I was the only one shedding tears. I bucked up and pulled myself together. I did slip again when I met one of this brothers, but it didn't last long.
The end result is good. I did something that was very difficult for me, but made me feel as if I should be there to mark the occasion. I spent the afternoon getting to know his 12 yr old son a bit, and also with his partner on the job, whom I have also known for many years. It was a cathartic day. I also proved to myself that I still have my driving chops as I skilfully handled the roads of Brooklyn and Queens. Those people are nuts!
I walked all over. WOOT! I ate fine. I hugged. I laughed. I cried. I took a few pics. I got through it. I faced my past. Now it is time for me to face my future.
Friday, September 09, 2011
How do I define myself? I've been pondering. There are moments in my life where I have shown courage and strength and I have been reaching back through my memories to pull those out. These are reminders to myself that I am a strong woman who can overcome.
This is a vulnerable time of year for me. There is just no getting around it. I have tried to bury it, eat my way through it, cry through it, vent through it, isolate myself through it. You name it - I have tried that route. Except one. I have not just felt it. I have not just accepted the fact that it was going to tear at me, and remind me of losses no matter what I did.
So that is what I am doing. If I cry, I cry. If I laugh, I laugh.
I loved big. Loving big was a choice. That choice still defines me. I go big or I go home. And I ain't ready to go home. My mother frequently says, (half in jest, half not so much) "If I knew then, what I know now...." as if her choices would have been different. Not me. I still would do what I am doing. I make choices. I am my decisions.
I made some less than stellar decisions last night in the food dept. I am right back on track today. I am wearing my favorite new outfit (and I look great, I think). It helps me to feel confident and see myself in a light that I deserve all of the goodness.
That's just it. Life comes at you fast. You make choices. You can choose to do something and make a difference whether it is for you or for someone else, but either way, life is just going to keep coming. Go big, or get out of the way. :)
What's your choice for yourself today, sparkies?
Thursday, September 08, 2011
It's funny the big difference a little thing can make. When the little thing is the way you view yourself and the understanding that you are worth the effort, and deserve to be treated well (especially by yourself) that it shifts everything into a new perspective.
I am doing things for myself without guilt (well mostly) and enjoying it. The new mini fridge I have in the office is hugging my food, and keeping it chilled. I don't have to have the compulsion to rush to eat because my yogurt is not going to get warm, or it is not going to taste as good. My mini fridge is a luxury to me like a cashmere mink. (don't call peta!)
This morning's commute was a wild one. I left 25 mins earlier than my already "leave early time" --- there was thunder, lightning and heavy rain all morning. Add to the hurricane (and earthquake) we had last week and folks are on edge everywhere. Throw in driving in the dark, on ponded roadways and you have a heck of a mess. I was shocked to find my on-ramp to Rt 95 (expressway) nearly flooded out. One car was off the road there, and the rest was almost impassable. If it keeps raining for another hour, it will be closed, I am pretty sure.
Most of the trip was fine except for a few tailgaters, which is not abnormal. I don't speed when the roads are slick, so I just slap on my hazards and it becomes the choice du jour for them to move around me. Problem solved. Crankiness (and accidents) averted. When I got up to the last leg of trip, I took a chance and drove down one of the usual roads. Most people were doing exactly what every news station tells you not to do ---- drive through the flooded roadway. I went so far, saw how bad it was, couldn't see how much more there would be ahead. I let others do what they wanted, and backed up, turned around and went a different route.
This is so much like my own way of thinking. I am one to stop and analyze and even if everyone else says let's go do this, I am not a sheep. I just have never been. It is one of those things that makes me, me. It's actually my favorite attribute. The cheese stands alone.
Mentally, I love where I am right now. I have strongly embraced myself and I am making a difference to myself and others, choice by choice.
Moving into day 2 of the BLC challenge, and I am making positive moves. I had a healthy breakfast at home, made lunch (stuck it in the fridge, tee hee) and have the day set out in front of me. I have my resistance band. I'm a happy camper!
What sort of things do you do to value yourself, sparkies?
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Day 1 of the BLC Focused Challenge and I am feeling good from where I am. I brought my resistance band to work AND used it. :) I am going to look for more exercises to do with them, but I can tell already that my arms are getting a work out. I've done several reps twice today.
My new mini fridge arrived and I stashed my lunch inside. It gets super cold. I am super stoked. Usually by the time I get around to eating my yogurt, it's warmed up a bit, and I think I don't really want this and I pitch it. Well, this is a whole different story now. It's working great. Woo hoo!
I am putting my best foot forward with this challenge and I am going to make a concentrated effort to follow through in the next 10 wks. My goal is to get up on the leaderboard within our group.
One of my colleagues complimented me on my work ensemble today. I took the time to pull myself together and chose a look that would make me look professional, not just wear khakis and a knit top as I had done for most of the summer. I am happy with the way I look today, and it was nice to be noticed....for a good reason.
Taking time to appreciate myself and organize all facets of my life has a natural spillover effect for me. I like that I make progress in one area (eating), and it changes the way I think about fitness, and in turn, that creates an environment where I want to look good, and make even more changes.
Today I am reminded that fortune favors the bold, and I am making bold steps upon my own behalf.
Monday, September 05, 2011
A little last minute chilling - Monday night (the holiday) rolling into Tuesday.
Wow. Summer is over and it is time to start anew. Summer hours are now kaput, and it means longer hours for me. This week, I am in until 6pm, at best,
I want to get started on the right foot.
I need to find ways of being more active when I am at work.
I am on a mission to get up and down the stairs with ease. That is not my current state.
I'm hooked into a BLC challenge which is good for me because it will keep me accountable and hopefully on task. I am not feeling daunted. I just know one foot in front of the other will get me there. I think I need to carry around a list of to-do's with me so I stay on point. It is easy for me to forget when I have so many things to remember. It will prob be easier when I those things become second nature.
Have a great night, all. Catch up with you tomorrow!
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