Monday, December 20, 2010
I recognize right where I am and I am loving my life, and I am loving who I am.
Five-ish years ago, I moved from a job I loved, to a new city where I did not know how I would fit in, and how things would be. I left for 2 reasons - my mother seemed to be dying, and my husband HATED living where we were.
When I told my manager I was leaving, he offered me the moon to stay. It was very gratifying to hear. He was willing to let me work a 4 day work week and fly me home to visit my mother the other days. He made that up off the top of his head. He would have pretty much given me anything to stay. But I had already accepted a new job, and was ready to go. Nothing he could have given me would have helped my hubby.
While I was at that job, I dropped 70 lbs which was awesome, but I did it to lose weight. It was helping my health so very much, but that progress meant nothing to me. I had my health at that time, and I refused to see the writing on the wall - what could happen if I did not have my health.
I was thinner, but I was so very unhappy. I was tragically sad, I was depressed. I was desperate. I talked to a therapist who tried to help me re-engage in my life. I remember her saying something like she had never seen anyone disassociate so much with their body before. See that? I was a first. I was thinner, but I hated myself. I could not see my own gifts nor comprehend why I was even living. I was an empty shell.
Fast forward to today. I am in that same job where I landed 5-ish years ago. I went from a mom and pop run place to a place with over 5,000 employees. It still has a homey feeling and I have close relationships with many people who work there. I have found a way to fit in and actually I make friends quite easily. I've learned that I am an excellent manager.
I've been out of work for medical reasons for the last couple of weeks. I am off the next couple of weeks because we're closed for the holidays. I've had time to re-focus most of my energies on myself. In that time, I am loving myself and accepting myself for the person I have become.
I love life. I laugh - a LOT! I have worked on making my marriage a priority and it is good. I have a wonderful community church where I'm able to worship as I like. My mom is still with us and has helped me to re-energize my life as of late. I have creative talents that I use to make jewelry and try other crafty stuff. I am a good writer. I am losing weight again and heading to lower numbers but no longer for sheer numbers that I was in the past. I am doing it because my body appreciates it and it is good for me.
For so long, I sought purpose for my life, and when I could not find any, I thought I had none. I thought I was nothing. I don't see myself through those same eyes anymore. I see myself as the joyful, loving, positive, encouraging happy camper that I always longed to be. Now I am that person. It's joyful. I am joyful.
Wishing you the ability to see yourself with new loving and appreciative eyes. Take a moment and see yourself as others see you. It could open up a world of difference.
Happy Sparking! I love you guys!
Friday, December 17, 2010
My crazy low carb kick start has helped me to lose about 15 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I am thrilled about it and while I wonder if the weight loss will last, I know I just need to forge ahead with the plan regardless.
I'm not doing it for the weight loss. I am doing it for my blood sugar. My sugar numbers are not going down as quickly as I had hoped, but the weight is falling off. It is actually weird (and I am NOT complaining) but I have this weird feeling about the pounds disappearing. Did you ever read that Stephen King "Thinner" story? That's kind of how I feel when I hop on the scale every morning. I am taking my readings on the glucose monitor and on the scale daily. I am tracking my food in a log I am keeping (off line.) Yesterday was a tough eating day, but I slogged through it. Yesterday I gained two pounds. Today those pounds are gone and thensome. It is a weird roller coaster ride as my body adjusts to the changes. Pounds dropped will help the overall scheme of things also.
It's weird for me in that for so long I focused on the weight and nothing good came of it. Now, I am focusing on my health, and the weight is coming off as a by product. It's about time!!! I have more to do. My biggest excitement comes from the men's 2x hoodie that I am wearing. I bought this size by mistake, but much to my surprise, even though it is snug, it fits! Woot!
So I am enjoying my low carb jumpstart. I know I say it like this won't always be my eating plan, when I guess in fact, it will. For now, though, I am taking it one day at a time. Here's to seeing all of us a little thinner down the road.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I hit my 25 lb weight loss milestone today! Woo hoo!
I know if I had not been diagnosed with diabetes a couple of weeks ago, I would still be spinning my wheels. I was re-gaining and losing the same 10 pounds over and over. Now, I have just been at a happy deficit. True, I have OVERHAULED my eating habits and I have cut out most junk. I'm not prepared to cut it out for life, I just don't have it as frequently (read every day) and when I do have it, I just fit it into my carb count.
Truth be told, I am rocking it! I keep imagining myself in the lower quadrant and the next thing, I know, poof! I am there. I am sitting in the mid 370's. It feels so good to be on my way to the 360's. I am doing the happy dance! The 200's are in my sights! It's been years since I was down to where I am now and I am enjoying myself right where I am.
I will be at my MIL's on Saturday, helping my hubby to put up her tree. I have already started planning how I will pack some food to take with me. I had been trying to keep my diabetic news on the down low so I would not freak out my mother, but now that I have told her (go me!), I do not have to fret about keeping this "secret." I can be open about actively taking care of myself. It makes things easier about doing what I have to do for myself. There's no hurt feelings in "I am a diabetic, and I have to do certain things to keep myself healthy." I am really proud of myself! Woo hoo!
Here's to a healthy day for all.
What have you done to celebrate one of your milestones, sparkies?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My Sapphire sister and sparkbuddy - Larijoy - is well named -- she is JOYFUL!
This Wisconsin-born cutie pie is ready to let her inner athlete shine! This girl has a great can do spirit and impressed me with her ability to change her own oil! Whoa! She has a great spirit, can get her groove on, likes Usher, The Killers and the Foo Fighters. Like me, she has a soft spot for cartoons, and even though, I like more old school, like Scooby Doo, Larijoy digs Phineas and Ferb.
Larijoy and I are going to dance our way through this meltdown challenge. I'm happy to visit her most every day to help keep us both on track. We each have our own programs that we are working - and hoping to get the same good results!
I love my sparkbuddy, Larijoy!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I can't help but think a conversation with my mother is behind my recent weight loss. On a trip home during Thanksgiving weekend, my mom had a few mins alone with me. Initially she was pumping me for info about a rough time I had with my DH. I did not really want to tell her the specifics even though the episode was behind me. But I did give her the reader's digest condensed version. In that same convo, we talked about how being fat wasn't really about the food. (My mother is a rail). It was the first time in a long time, it seemed to me, that my mom understood...me.
Then she asked me if I was happy.
That's a biggie.
The she said she just wanted me to to be happy.
Whoa bigger one.
I've waited and wanted this acceptance from her my whole life. Who is this woman and what have you done with my mother?
And since then, I have been dropping the pounds.
I have a lot more on my plate (so to speak) since then. Chief among these, kidney issues and diabetes. I was also told yesterday that I have gall bladder disease. WTF! I did start crying when I hung up the phone from the doc's yesterday. It's been one thing after another these last few days. Honestly, it's been a lot to take in, but it is better than hearing you have cancer or something else. So I will just go to the specialist and hear what he has to say in a couple of weeks.
So for now, I am focusing on maintaining my blood sugar in an appropriate range and learning to make my body more receptive (instead of resistant) to insulin. I went to the diabetes nutrition specialist last night and she was helpful in learning to put all of the pieces together. Basically, it's just "good eating" - along with monitoring your sugar to make sure you are not ingesting too many carbs at one time. I can do this. My body is giving me a reason to do this.
I'm off work for the rest of the month. This rachets down my stress level enormously. I am taking advantage of this time by focusing on myself for a change. It's freezing cold here but I am going to go get my hair cut today. I am excited about that. :) I'm going to go to the supermarket and pick up a few items that will fit into my plan. I have the luxury of putting myself first these days.
What can you do for yourself that keeps you at the front of the line?
Happy sparking, sparkies!
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