Thursday, September 09, 2010
Sure, I read the book. I think it was required reading in Psych 101. Realizations are coming fast and furious lately and I think a good bit of it has to do with me getting active, really active again. I am on a roll and through my activity, I am learning oodles about myself.
For a good deal of my life - I have thought, You're OK and I suck. My Dad would try to infuse me with God doesn't make junk, and he would say I was beautiful, but quite honestly, I did not believe him. I had a very hard time seeing goodness in myself. I did enjoy my writing skills, but if it wasn't for that, I don't know how I would have climbed out of the pain. I took a lot of heat in high school about my size (love to see a show of hands who hasn't) but if I really examine this it was more about me then them. I did not let them see my goodness. I let myself give no concern for my looks or clothes. I believed what they said about me, and I thought I was worthless.
I had some improvement over the years, and one thing I always exceled at was my job. I have worked my buttocks off in the client service field, and managed to get some good gigs including 2 or 3 that I have really loved. Happily, that includes my current spot where I have been for 5 yrs.
A few years ago, I re-discovered my inner goof. I am a prankster at heart and love to clown around. I have a big, kind compassionate heart. I am a very good friend - and have excellent listening and problem solver skills. It took a while for me to able to appreciate myself in this new light. I am actually only a few pounds under my highest weight - even though the scale gods have taken pity on me and have started to head in the downward direction. :)
Now that I am re-creating a life to love, and reflecting those great feelings back on myself, I am also seeing so many good things in myself. Pardon me if I celebrate for a moment. I love that I am embracing fashion. Even Stacy and Clinton believe you can look good at any size. My excitement in this area is only fueling my new passion for looking good. I recently bought a black dress (love oldnavy.com)! and when I showed it to DH, he lit up like an xmas tree. I have been dressless for so long. GO ME!
I've always been able to laugh at myself, and I am still doing that --- it's just that now beyond the laughter there is a love of myself also. I am really enjoying that.
I hope you all can embrace yourself and give yourself a big squeeze. We are all beautiful. Woot! Woot!
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
As a matter of fact, I am a tall girl - 6 feet. For yrs I called myself 5 eleven and three quarters, because I was embarrassed to be 6ft. I'm over that, and walking taller every day.
I realized this yesterday when I was leaving work. I was walking with my head up. I felt good. I wasn't depressed or overly worried. I knew this would be a busy work week, but it was manageable.
Here's something else I RELUCTANTLY noticed. I feel SOOOO much better when I work out intensely in the a.m. If I go to the gym and give myself a half hour of endorphin spreading love on the bike or the treadmill, then I am practically woozy and giddy with a happy camper attitude through the morning and right on through the rest of the day.
Today was not a morning gym day. Mostly because I had not slept enough and I had leg cramps. I still walked and was happy I did, but it did not give me that freakin' happy feeling that settles in after I've hit the 20 min plus mark at the gym. What? Really? People always say they get addicted to exercise. I DID NOT THINK IT WAS TRUE!!!!
I looked pretty good yesterday at work. Today though, I was rocking a fashionista look including what I affectionately call, "big girl shoes." My inclination would be to live in sneakers if I could, but um, not so appropriate at work. I loved the way I looked today. I think the Mrs. called it "find your pride" --- well I found it and I hit my stride today. I was walking tall.
Next goal besides making a.m.'s at the gym a priority, is to start strength training again. I did zippo the week before last and last week hit 10 mins. It is time to pull this baby in gear. I am ready for more changes and challenges. I am enjoying a lovefest with myself. I realize I have nothing to prove. I've proved it. I am loving myself, and life, and it shows.
Spark on, sparkies!
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Hoorah! I first woke up when hubby was getting ready for work. I rolled over and took another 20 mins. Not full on sleep, but just resting and rolling under the covers and doing a little praying.
I got up and left for the gym. Biked 30 mins. Surprised it was still dark when I left the gym.
Didn't have much time to get ready and be out the door for work, but enough so that I could do it without a very hairy commute. I like to leave early as to avoid much other traffic as possible. It does get me into my office much earlier than most, but that little extra time makes for a calmer drive, and for a more organized morning. I can also use my extra time to spark. :)
The BL Sapphire week 2 challenge --- of work out 5 out of 7 times this week -- has really lit a spark in me. I have worked out every day but yesterday, and even then, an argument could be made for my shopping trip. My bouts of movement are helping me to stay more organized. I always do better in planning and in executing when I have more to do. I think I am just wired that way.
My goal this week is to continue to work out by going to the gym most mornings. I'll alternate the bike with the treadmill and do weight training on shorter days. I am really proud of myself for getting it back together. I can see myself continuing on with the regimen as I used to do. It's what helped me the most to succeed. It is like one good decision begins a cascade of healthy decisions. I love where I am at right now.
I am telling myself: For best results, don't rush the process. It's taking time to develop into the cool, together person I am becoming. I'm happy that I recognize all of these things.
I'm just doing what I need to do. :) C'mon sparkies!
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Hubby and I took a day trip to Gettysburg, PA today. I think I stunned him a couple of times by wanting to walk more than I sat. Late in the afternoon, we did sit for a spell, but most of the day was very active - from outlet shopping for a couple of hours, mostly all walking and just breaks to try on clothes. :) I'll come back to that. We also did a round of mini golf, and stopped to help an elderly woman who took a header on the course just behind us. I did not even hear her walking until I heard the thud and a whimper. I have very good hearing, so it shocked me. After the mini golf, we drove around the battlefield for a bit, and then went and walked around town today. It was a good day!
At the Lane Bryant Outlet, I realized I am gaining a good eye for fashion. It might have something to do with watching the Rachel Zoe project and reading magazines, but I am happy not to look like a frump. The top LB size is 26-28 and i found a few possibilities, and one sweater I liked quite a lot --- but the sweater was not on sale and I was not spending $46.50 on it.
The cooler thing about that is that I actually ENJOYED trying on the clothes. It has been quite some time where I have not left a store without feeling like crawling into the fetal position for a good cry.
The clothes were snug, but they fit, or fit close enough for me to say they fit. It was a very empowering day in the dressing room. Shoes are harder --- I have big wide flat feet and the search continues for something somewhat attractive and comfortable. that is not so easy, but I will find something.
Right now I am enjoying my accomplishment of being very active today> I enjoyed my own Project Runway moments. All in all, it was a great day! I am so proud of myself. Moving and losing!
Spark on, sparkies!
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