Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My M.O. at night (a danger eating zone), has lately been - watch a little tv, and go read, make jewelry or go on the computer. Directions to self: do not sit in the living room and veg. What did I do last night? You got it, sat in the room and vegged. Unfortunately, vegging does not equal eating veggies. I had a snack attack and overindulged in carbs. I was up .8 lbs this a.m. --- i need to stay in strict adherence to make a good difference, and I have been doing it.
I am so proud of myself for making my U-turn now, a day later rather than months later, which I have also done before. Life is a learning curve, and now that I am fully engaged, I am throwing myself my own lifeline, instead of throwing in the towel. I am making wondrous progress, and I like the me I see emerging.
I got my hair cut --- more like chopped -- last night. I don't remember when I had it this short - maybe 8th grade. I love it. it is short and flippy. I look much more put together. I am coming into my own again. I love me, and finally, finally, finally, it is starting to show.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thought the building hours would be changing today, so I thought I would have to climb the "monster hill" instead of entering on the lower level and grabbing the elevator. Only the upper door is keyed and getting there requires walking up the big hill. I started halfway to the door and realized that it was up to me to meet the monster this morning. Up I climbed. Step by step. I was carrying 3 bags. Whew! I made it. Some days I used to park it outside on the short wall, pretending I wanted to enjoy nature before I went inside to my office. I used to use that time to catch my breath. I would suck wind, big time. Much to my surprise, this morning, not so much. It was not a little breeze, getting up the hill, but I did not sound like a wheezing train. I've lost 12 pounds since I started sparking (the bulk of it in the last week), and I actually felt good this morning.
There is actually light at the end of the tunnel, and I am getting closer and closer. I've lost that overwhelming feeling that my life is out of control and I am helpless to stop the spiral. Instead, I feel in step with the universe, and my life is fine as it is, and so am I. My reasons for losing are become more centralized and centered around me. I just want to feel good, look good and do the things I want to do. What could be better than that?!!!!
Building hours change in a week. Still, I am going to pretend they are switched now, so I can meet my monster again in the morning.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Seat belt tightening that is. It has been a long while since i had to re-cinch my belt so that it was tighter on top. My normal m.o. is for it to be very snug around my belly. What a great place to notice a difference. I am loving it.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I'm down to a weight that I think is lower than I have been in the last 4 years. Wow! That feels great. It could be in my head, but that mere statement makes me feel lighter and make me more easily able to move around. It could very well be water weight that I am losing and I am totally okay with that. Right now, weight is weight, and to see the numbers dropping is exciting.
We went to a restaurant last night and I had a few successes. I brought my own sweetener (Truvia) with me. I ordered compliant food off the menu. I had a baked potato which would be 2/3 of my carb servings for the day, but I had the room for it, and I relished eating it. It was so good. Did I just say that about a baked potato? ha ha ha. I ate food that went with my plan from the salad bar. Again, I enjoyed every bit and cleaned my plate, but I did not overstuff myself. I brought half of my entrée home. WOO HOO! I could not even think about eating the other half there.
Another thing I am noticing about myself is I am becoming less critical again. I think it's because I am losing my fear of what other people are thinking and worrying about what they are "saying" about me. I am becoming more confident and seeing value in myself and losing the shame that makes me want to hide. I have gone on a jewelry making spree (yes, Karen, I will send you some when I finish the pieces), and I notice a new flair in the work that brings attention. Ha! I love it and I am loving myself. What could be better.
Friday, May 21, 2010
I have a special place in my heart for Fridays. Even on the occasional time when I have to work on a weekend, I still feel more light-hearted. This morning was no different. I did not want to wrench myself from my bed, but when I did, I was gleeful and silly. I am consciously embracing this mood.
My 25 mile commute (one-way) can be a little rough some days. A car tried to cut into my lane to cut behind me to cut around the guy to my left (and eventually swoop in front of me) just before my exit, and I didn't let it happen. I sped up a bit so the tiny amount of space between us disappeared and then just took my exit. That's when I caught onto her plan to dodge in front of me, 20 seconds before "our" exit. I didn't go all Jersey on her. I didn't wave or gesture, I just kept driving, and smiling. Content in my little world, where I get to work in one piece, but stand up for myself and try not to get run over. Sheesh!
There was a mystery unraveling to me yesterday. One of my work friends is leaving. She has no choice in the matter. From my outsider point of view, it all looks very abrupt and makes you wonder how that could happen. Then it's easier to start second guessing yourself when you start to examine things. Both of us have been on the receiving end of very positive notes at work (in the same note), so my head started spinning. It wasn't until yesterday that I found out, for as many good letters in her case, there were twice as many bad. I'm still sad for my friend, and I have tried to help her focus on getting a job elsewhere, but she is in a bit of denial.
That episode kicked off a series of "Deep thoughts by Jack Handy" in my head. I thought about the many times I put myself down in the past because I thought that I did not measure up. This was in the shower this a.m. I completely reversed some of the assumptions I have long believed, and flipped those what ifs from "what about if I wasn't good enough" to "what if they loved me so much" and what about if they felt they weren't good enough. It blows my mind that after 20-30 years, I am re-thinking everything I thought about myself and coming out of it on the winning end. Whoa.
I am feeling really good about myself right now, and I intend to keep riding the wave. Happy Friday! Woo hoo!
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