MICKEYMAX   39,704
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Digging deeper

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Been thinking about my values and trying to come up with the things I am most proud of in my life for having done. That thought led to another and another and then I really took a hard look inside to unlock what drives my fear. I know that I can crush my weight issues but I keep getting in my own way. For the first time in my 46 yrs, I've realized my most deep seated fear is being replaced. I can pinpoint 3 times in my life where this has been a major factor for me -- one being very recent.

I'm kind of speechless that I have hit on this point, but now that I can shine a light on it, I can stop hiding in fear because of it. I hide behind my fat. I don't do things or go places because of my fat. I am afraid to stand out or bring attention to myself because of my fat. Of course, it draws just as much attention, and not in a good way. I need to stop hiding, and start living. I am killing myself one pound at a time in a 400 lb body.

My small positive step for today is looking at myself through others' positive eyes and drop the negativity. I am so over not trying because of my fear of failure (and of being replaced).

Whew! I feel lighter already! emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOKNOWS 5/6/2010 6:40AM

    These revelations are great in helping rid us of extra 'baggage' and allowing us to move towards a more positive outlook and reach our goals. emoticon

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JEN_BACK2BASICS 5/5/2010 8:56AM

    Great job finding your inner demon! That takes guts to go looking for, and even more courage to post it out here for others to read. I'm proud of you, and I know you will conquer that fear!

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TINARENA2 5/5/2010 8:29AM

    Don't let anything hold you back from living each day to the fullest! You are amazing and deserve to live amazingly!!!
emoticon emoticon

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DJS-DEBBIE 5/5/2010 7:11AM

    What a great insight!

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MUGGLE_MOM 5/5/2010 6:50AM

    What a great blog. Your insight is amazing. Its very rare that people actually figure out what is holding them back. Now that you know, the journey through it can be accomplished. I am so proud of you for all you've done, for all you've accomplished, for all you've toughed it out through and you're still standing, still fighting. You are so worth it. Never forget that. I wish that I could show you how I see you. You'd see yourself as the warrior princess with the heart of gold. Take this journey for all its worth my friend. You are strong. You are powerful. You are capable. You are loved just for being you.

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KOBER9999 5/5/2010 6:32AM

    ANY positive step forward is progress in the right direction. I can tell "You Are Gonna Do This!" You're doing a great job.
Keep Up The Positive Attitude!
Down with negativity!
Spark on!

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    I am so happy for you, those are the moments in life that can begin to unlock the true self. Your doing such an amazing job!!!

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BLESSED2BEME 5/4/2010 10:55PM

    Good for you! What a huge step to take. Thank you for sharing as I bet this helps a lot of us with our struggles too.

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Distractions Wanted

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I'm in day two of eating well. Yesterday was a struggle! I did come in under my calorie goal, but it was not easy! I am trying to train myself to enjoy veggies and fruits again. I'm an emotional addicted eater, and breaking those cycles and habits is harder than I think it should be. :)

I was remembering back to when I lost a lot of weight, and it seemed easy-ish. I am trying to re-create that time for myself. I remember I was very comfortable in my own skin and it made it easier to do what I wanted to do -- and how I wanted to do it. I stopped people pleasing and just did it. It. Life. Whatever. I made my own opinion matter the most to me.

After eating dinner last night, I stopped eating. Hurrah! I distracted myself a bit on the computer although since I work with a computer most of the day, my eyes started to hurt. Enough of the computer! I need some new distractions. I am reading 2-3 books right now, and I will look for a 4th today. Walking to the library will give me a good excuse to get out. It's also adjacent to the weekly farmer's market that shows up on campus. I think this is the last week for it, sad face.

I planned my menu yesterday and left dinner flex on it. It was a good idea!

I making progress and I am glad that I am realizing that the change has to come from the inside.

emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I'm not sure what your general cravings are, but if I have to have a little something extra I eat a piece of sugar free toffee or something. I also chug water right after I've finished my meal, and sometimes drink tea after that. The tea seems to take the edge off of hunger for me. I try to remember always that it takes about 20 minutes for the stomach to send the signal to the brain that it's full. Really It's all about getting use to your body and your habits and being aware of your weaknesses and strengths. You can do it; you're on the right track. Take it one day at a time.



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    It does have to come from inside. For me, I eat 3 "light" meals, 3 snack and even fit in my SF Fudgesicle in for dessert every day and I stay very close to the 1200 calorie mark. I find when I stay in my nutritional ranges of fat, carbs, fiber and protein my body doesn't seem to crave anything.

For the binging, I will always be a food addict who wants to turn to my food friend/enemy and when that happens, some times I just have to close my eyes and dig deep inside to "find the will". The strength is there, the craving will pass and in the end, you will feel better for being so good to the most important person; you!!!

*hugs* .. enjoy the library trip later ... Terri =)

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DJS-DEBBIE 5/4/2010 2:25PM

    I find it hard not to eat at home, too. We emotional eaters all have the same problem I think. I chew gum and drink a lot of water. I think a good book would work, too!

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JEN_BACK2BASICS 5/4/2010 1:30PM

    Great job!! I also struggle with keeping within my food intake guidelines. If I had to be under 2000, I would eat 2100. If I had to be under 1800, I would eat 1900. So I trick myself by setting my range lower than it actually needs to be while I work to figure out how to stop balking at staying inside the lines. ;-)

Good luck on your continued journey! Let that inside change shine through.

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PEGGO45 5/4/2010 12:37PM

    I also love to read and sometimes my eyes hurt after being at work on the computer all day....
Maybe go to the library and get some books on Tape/CD....listen as you take a walk or just relax with your eyes shut and listen. Just keep busy... I have trouble just being home sometimes... too tired to do the chores in front of me... sometimes awakens the munchaholic in me...but I'm learning to be at home and do other things.... scrapbooking and I make recipe books for friends... Nah.. I'm not that good at it all the time... but sometimes..think I'm going to take the little one to the library tonight... thanks for the idea!!

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SUNNY2010 5/4/2010 11:41AM

    Good to learn your body and what triggers your habits! It seems you got a good plan of distracting yourself. I need to start planning my dinners ahead of time too.
Have a good week!

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BLESSED2BEME 5/4/2010 11:07AM

    Amen to learning that change has to come from within us! That took me a long time to figure out. I still fall back into old patterns of thinking but when I finally realized that nothing was going to change until I changed it, I started to really understand this journey! emoticon emoticon

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PARKERB2 5/4/2010 10:57AM

    emoticonfor staying within your calorie range. I did terrible yesterday too. Only went over about 200 calories but they were empty ones. Have a good day and good luck on your journey. You can overcome the addiction.

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TINARENA2 5/4/2010 10:46AM

    Most evenings I stop eating after dinner too. It helps with my reflux and I feel better not being full at bedtime.

Reading books is a great distraction as well as planning your food for the week. Lately I've kept busy with chores around he house, gardening and other outside stuff to keep me from snacking. It worked quite well. Once my mind was off the snack, I didn't think about it!

Veggies and fruits make us feel so much better - at least they do to me. I notice this when I've eaten something high in fat. The sluggishness is really gross and it makes me regret my poor choice.

Have a good week being back on track, I'm rooting for you!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHICKY88 5/4/2010 10:39AM

    I too am addicted to food. I chew gum to fool my mouth from eating. It has been working as long as i remember to chew it.

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Simplifying my plans

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Back from vacay with a new resolve:

I can succeed and have planned my meals for breakfast and lunch for the week, and having planned the types of food I'll have for dinner for the week. Woo hoo. It is doable --- and I know I can handle the 10,000 steps per day. ON vacay, we walked on average, 14,000 steps per day. I think we came close to 20,000 steps at Busch Gardens. Of all days to forget my pedometer, but I did good otherwise. My eating was not in check, but I gave myself that leeway.

Vacay was good except for breaking out in hives the second to last day. Good thing I keep cortisone handy and was able to stop the itch quickly. Still not sure what it was, possibly even heat rash.

Had a good time, but glad to be back home, where I feel more in control of my life, for many reasons...did not get to the pool, but managed quite well otherwise. I did tons of walking!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERKYLE 5/3/2010 9:59AM

    Hope you have a great month!

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LADYLOCKS54 5/2/2010 7:27PM

    Good job! emoticon

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JOKNOWS 5/2/2010 7:22PM

    Sounds like a great vacation complete with fun and exercise. emoticon

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PEGGO45 5/2/2010 10:06AM

    emoticongood girl!!! emoticon

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PLAYBLUES22 5/2/2010 9:42AM

    Nice job

great vacation emoticon

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RIPPEDPAUL1 5/2/2010 7:43AM

    Sounds great! emoticon

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AIMEEM77 5/2/2010 1:11AM

    Glad you had a good vacation...and way to go taking control!

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BEAR_GURL 5/2/2010 12:44AM

    Sounds like you're kickin butt; ) Good luck throughout your journey and STAY positive!!!


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MINDYJ1 5/2/2010 12:30AM

    Glad you had a great time on your vacation. Sounds like you got an action plan for you eating and exercising! emoticon

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How Do you Know Me?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I went to a farmer's market and was talking to a student/staff member of mine. I don't even recall the topic of conversation though it may have been job related. Another girl standing nearby approached and asked, "Are you .....?" Um, yes.
We had been corresponding by email and I have been helping her on a project.
I was so surprised that in a workforce of thousands I could be singled out and recognized.

Ever the inquisitor, I asked, "How did you know it was me?" She stammered some story about the director bringing her around to meet people, but she didn't think I was in that day,....and then we both changed the subject.

Here's where OM (Old Mickeymax) would have reeled: She's gigantic with glasses and brown hair as if some other colleagues were describing me. Or it could have been she has a really loud laugh (totally true), loves students, and likes sweater. Possible --- or more likely the scenario - googled me or looked me up through our own web page - all viable.

I don't want to be associated any more with the #1 choice.

The truth is I do feel gigantic. I am done with feeling out of place. I want to run, swim, bike my way to better health. In the past I walked off 70 pounds and I am completely capable of doing it again! Who's with me?!!!!!! WOO HOO!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DTCELLO 4/28/2010 12:25AM

    How encouraging! good for you! Yep, we all work together to help each other DO THIS!

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DJS-DEBBIE 4/23/2010 5:55AM

    I am totally with you!!

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ANGELAT125 4/22/2010 9:27PM

    I am with you!! we can do this!


Angela emoticon

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MUGGLE_MOM 4/22/2010 5:18PM

    Can I join you too?!?!
I know you can do it!
Keep the uber awesome attitude!

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JOKNOWS 4/22/2010 4:00PM

    I'm right there -- let's get it done! Love your enthusiasm and yes, you did it before and emoticon again!

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DATARN 4/22/2010 2:10PM

    We are in this together. You go girl!!!

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JEN_BACK2BASICS 4/22/2010 12:57PM

    I'm with you! I don't ever want to be identified as "the big one" again. We're on our way - let's do this!

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TABITHA08 4/22/2010 12:15PM

    I'm with you!! Yes, you can do this. Keep on Sparking!

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BLESSED2BEME 4/22/2010 11:33AM

    I'm with you! Way to go! Your attitude is awesome. Thanks for encouraging all of us! emoticon

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STARRPARENT 4/22/2010 10:51AM

    I'm with ya on this one! When I lost 91 lbs. I went from 26/28 to 18. Felt incredible. I see clients where I work. It had been a year since I'd seen some of them and one day one client walked in and swore that I wasn't her worker. She said my worker wears glasses and is heavy set.

I had switched to contacts and lost all that weight. I grinned the biggest grin ever and assured her I was her worker.

Man! I wanna feel that again. Like you, I've gained once lost weight back. We can do this!!


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YESITSDEB 4/22/2010 10:41AM

    I'm with you! emoticon

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GRANDMAAMIE 4/22/2010 10:37AM

    emoticon emoticon

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KATIEGREINER09 4/22/2010 10:17AM

    I AM :) CONGRATS and BEST OF LUCK with your new Adventure im right here with you if you ever need an open ear.... ok well eye ;)

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Esther Williams

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I bought a speedo swim cap tonight! I'm going on vacay next week and I am planning on swimming! HA!!!!!!! I can't believe I did this --- I am so amazed with myself. I am planning to wear a bathing suit in public and GO SWIMMING, and I can't wait!!! ha ha ha


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOOZINITNOW 4/22/2010 9:22AM

    Strut your stuff and walk proud! You deserve it! emoticon

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JOKNOWS 4/22/2010 7:57AM

    emoticonGood Job. Have a great time on your vacation. emoticon

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RIPPEDPAUL1 4/22/2010 7:26AM

    I can't wait till I see you post you've joined a syncronized swimming team

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AIMEEM77 4/22/2010 12:59AM

    Good for you...no fear! I never did stop wearing mine!

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MUGGLE_MOM 4/21/2010 9:59PM

    You are too cool!!! You go Girl!!!

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