Friday, October 17, 2014
I have to learn to be patient with myself, but not so much that it lets me off the hook. I need to remember I am a beginner in a lot of ways, and when you find yourself starting all over, it is frustrating, tiresome and challenging.
At the end of my workout tonight with Hadley, I found myself asking a question that I thought might make him a little mad, but it didn't. If I did not ask him, though, I would let it fester, come up with my own answer which would support my insecurities, and push myself into a down mood. So I asked. Does working with me on such a primitive level of athleticism become boring? Does he feel like he is comparatively working with a kindergartener? I am not sure why that suddenly seemed important. I know he loves working out with "me" - personally, but I separated myself from the act of coaching someone with limited abilities. He explained it to me as being just as fulfilling as coaching someone through a state championship. In my case, it is more like how far can I go.
Tonight we worked on the mechanics of gaining stability and working the muscles to help me become more coordinated and learn the mechanics of running. Lift your leg up behind you, move your knee forward while raising it as high as you can and pushing it hard into the ground, while you keep having one foot in front of the other.
I went from not being able to do ONE, to stringing the steps together to doing some laps around the room. It felt unnatural, but at the same time, I was re-focusing on my thoughts on NOT where I am today, but WHERE this is going to lead me. It could takes days. months and even years until I am in a position to really rev these up, but tonight it does not matter. I am just doing them and learning that yes, I can do this, despite having a long way to go.
I am the do-er, but Hadley, my coach is the backbone of my success. I would never try a tenth of the stuff I do if he wasn't there to teach me. I wouldn't know, and I would not give it the intensity I do when he is around. He knows me well and loves me and the feeling is mutual. I have enormous respect for him and even though we had a couple of moments here or there, and I do like to fight with him, at times, I trust him wholeheartedly. He has become very good at quelling my panicked moments, and knowing when I am about to lose it. He reminds me he believes in me, pushes me when I need it (frequently) and hugs me when it seems I need a hug (often.)
Tonight when he left, he gave me an assignment to go 20 minutes on the bike, and I did it. I didn't want to but I did it. It was a good stretch for my legs, minus the cramp I encountered while getting on and off the bike, but one day, those things will improve as well. For now, I am pretty much in the suck it up and do it phase, and I am proud of myself for getting those things done, even if I am really a beginner.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
I gave myself a mental push last night while I was attempting to get off the rower and into an upright position. I said, "you got this, Mar." And I did. Not at first, and not before my coach, Hadley encouraged me to get up, even though I look scared to him. This time I got up on the second shot, while last time around it took me 4 tries. Doesn't really matter if it takes me 10 tries. I am making progress and that is a major win.
Tonight I worked with Don, my trainer. I still prefer working with Hadley, but Don has his merits, too. He is a little wackier than me (something most people can't say), and he has a lot of positive energy. Tonight he was pushing me hard through an hour of exercises working the arms, shoulders and back. Some machines we did had lower weights with higher reps, and others just the opposite. One of the last pieces we used was for back extension and that felt a lot heavier than usual, until Don told me he boosted it up 20 lbs. until were at 130. I still feel the soreness and prob will tomorrow as well, but I cranked through those reps. We did seated row, low row, "headbangers",opposite of previous (lifting weight from ground and keeping elbows up), shoulder extension, lat, reverse fly, and punches while holding 3 lb weights. It was a lot of stuff, but I managed it well, and I was able to get up off some lower seated machines on my own, which I have to say felt pretty darn good.
Some guy started chatting with Don during the lat pulldowns, and he said that he could tell that I was getting religious about going to the gym. People seem to remember me even if I have not noticed them before. The previous night another guy came up to me while I was outside, introduced himself, and told me that "all of them" were really proud of me. I guess he was speaking of his posse, although he was the only one in sight.
I'm getting kind of tired out and I have earned my sleep tonight, so I will sign off for now. In the meantime though, it feels great to be really pushing myself and see the improving results. Last week, Hadley told me my thighs looked thinner. Does he know the way to a girl's heart or what? Music to my ears.
Spark on, sparkies!
Friday, October 10, 2014
I'm taking a minute out of my crazy day to just share a little!
Today, I am wearing a jacket that I don't think I've worn since 2008, I love it. It stopped fitting. Now it is on me OVER A SWEATER. I can button it, and I can wrap it so the lapels are not just touching. This is a huge happy milestone for me.
Sunday, October 05, 2014
I'm at my best when I am keeping promises to myself and those that matter to me.
I'm at my best when sweat is running off my head and dripping on my shirt.
I'm at my best when I don't give up before I started.
I'm at best when I am doing the very best thing that I can for myself.
I'm at my best when I keep trying and pushing forward, no matter what.
I'm at my best when I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.
I'm at best when I am proud of myself.
I'm at my best when I let my warrior out and I stop being afraid.
I'm at my best when I love deeply and live fully, no matter the consequences.
I'm at my best when I think boldly and act courageously.
I'm at my best when I remember I am in control.
I'm at my best when I ask for help and then accept it.
I'm at my best when I recognize I am not perfect, but I am pretty darn good anyway.
I'm at my best when I give it my best.
Friday, October 03, 2014
This has been a hard fought week for a lot of reasons. But look at me, it's Friday night and I am feeling good. I had my hardest workout of the week tonight, and probably the hardest in the last few weeks as well. It made me feel happy and satisfied with myself tonight and in a few minutes, I'll probably be sleeping like a baby. I just realized that this is also the first day all week I did not have a headache brought on by stress.
I also had a mid-week meltdown. I was out of sorts when I arrived at the gym, Weds night with my coach, and it did not improve any as I was being pushed through my paces, and started to become unglued. He told me to do one final thing and I did not feel ready or able, and in my emotional state, I said no and walked out. What I never realized is that when I walked out he thought that I had really quit, like I had given up completely, and wasn't coming back.
I wasn't quitting forever. I was just mad, hurt and upset. On another occasion when I was feeling similarly when I was around 10, I did the same thing. I left. The downside to that time was that when I left, I accidentally put my hand through the plate glass door. I still have a little scar on my chest for those 5 stitches. Luckily, this door was sturdier. Weds, when I left, I truthfully didn't know if I could work with my coach again. Truthfully, that would have hurt more than what I was feeling Weds. My coach is so much more to me than someone who pushes me through a workout. He is a mentor, a good listener, someone I can laugh with, and a friend. I would have a hard time letting go of these attributes as much as the coaching if not more.
We came to an understanding tonight of what each other thought and felt. (his thought, my felt), how my lack of communication with him helped him non sequitur to my quitting forever. I felt bad when I heard that part because I hadn't considering quitting. I just needed to get out of there that night. It was messy and rough for a couple of days, but we hugged it out, got back the same page and now we're back, as good as new. And tonight I had a killer workout to show for it.
Have a great weekend!
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