Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Woke up feeling better and ready to go handle what has potential of being a crazy day!
I have been thinking about the episode from the other day and I am using this moment to be a little more concerned about myself and a little bit less concerned with fixing others. No one ever handed the keys to the world over to me and said fix it.
Tonight marks my last night with my trainer, Kimmy - who has been a great support for me in many ways. I love her to death and she knows it. I gave her a great parting gift and today I sent her flowers. She did not get them yet, but it will be a fun surprise for her.
Everything is fine. I have climbed out of my 2 day pity party and I am back to myself. Life is good. Hope all is well in your world, sparkies!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
You know when you have one of those days and it starts to slip into one of those weeks, well it has been happening to me. I have been dragging myself through it. My feelings got hurt on Monday night and I did want I would have done in the past to fix it. I ate some oversized portions of not so great stuff. Not overwhelming amounts but enough to think, "gee I wish I had not eaten that." It spilled over a little into today, where I ate ice cream (skinny cow) for breakfast and it seemed perfectly okay.
Sure, they were skinnier versions of the junky stuff I used to have regularly and I know for me this is a slippery slope. I can't go back to my pre-place where I weighed 60 lbs heavier.
I stopped myself. I went to the gym and met with my new trainer, Don. We worked on shoulders for a half hours, lifting all sorts of weights. You know what? This is what made me feel better, even though I had to drag myself in there. It really doesn't made what I had to do to get over it. In fact, I am not over it, yet, and it may still take me a while, but food does not cure what ails me.
I have to make my feelings be valid and expressed, but without harming myself in the process. It is okay to feel a need to be soothed, but food is not the answer. The gym may not really be the answer either, but it is a positive step that makes me feel empowered and in control, and if that is what it takes, so be it.
I am just going to get through it and everything will be okay.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
I am an amazing woman. I say this not to boast about myself but to recognize who I am and how far I have come. I am strong, stronger than I have ever been, I am growing more agile, more agile than I have ever been in the last couple of decades. I am doing many things I never dreamed were possible all because of a change in my attitude.
This attitude was not easy to develop. It was hard. Following a lifetime of being put down, you begin to believe it yourself and I felt unable to break out of that mold I put myself in because I did not know there was another way.
I am not the unbeliever anymore. I believe in myself and I am watching myself grow and change right before my very eyes. I see and feel the differences in myself. It is astounding to see what I have been able to accomplish in the last 8 months. I did it with a lot of loving, remarkable support from family, to friends and with coaching and training. It is a remarkable feeling to witness what is happening.
When I weighted 468 pounds, I did not have the ability to see what I could do with perseverance and hard work. It was out of my scope of believing despite comments from my coach that when I shed some weight, we could try new and different exercises. I could never fathom that far down the road that one day I would be a person who could accomplish such feats and LOVE doing them.
Last night after recording my personal best on the elliptical at 13:12, I was beside myself with elation at what I could do (as well as getting up on my own onto the machine.) Tonight he told me that he thinks I have a 10 minute pace inside me. My thought was, "not tonight," but on the other hand I didn't think it was an absolute no that I could never do it. How could I? Within this year, I could not initially do more than 10 seconds!!!! Then I conquered a mile in 37 minutes. Tonight, it dropped to 11:55. Who is to say there is not 10 minutes inside me? There is, .... it is only a matter of time.
This success is by no means just for me. If I can do this, certainly others can too. I am learning that I can do more than I ever thought possible --- and it seems to be happening on a fairly regular basis lately. My coach and trainer have done a fabulous job of building me up to believe. If you are fortunate enough to be in this situation, I can't recommend it more highly. The admiration and respect I have for these two holds no bounds. They are quick to defer all of the credit to me. I have earned it, but it was their generous support and guidance that got me here.
I am not done yet - far from it - but I am using every ounce of energy to climb the next goal, and I am going to get there, step by step, mile by mile. No matter how long it takes. The journey just keeps getting better and better.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
I am pretty well tired out tonight, so I will just leave a snippet for now. Tonight, I achieved a couple of momentous milestones.
I got on the octane (elliptical) myself. No step. For MONTHS, I have been using a variety of steps at different heights to get on. Tonight, I just got up.
My coach challenged me to do 1 mile in 14 mins and 15 seconds. I crushed it. I did 13 minutes and 12 seconds. No stopping for water, but I did it.
I did not want to get on that thing at all, but I did it and rocked it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Somewhere along the line while I was focusing on getting fit and healthier, a funny thing happened. I started looking at myself and others differently. One way I know that this happened is because I now take myself into consideration when making a decision. Also, at work, when I observe myself from a third party angle, I see the great things I am doing - and achieving a higher level than I have done before.
I believe in myself now, and I take confidence in what I do. I stood next a machine last night at the gym without any inkling how I was going to get on or get into it. I am still working on balance and agility, but every step I make, it is progress in the right direction. The trainer helped me get into the contraption and I suppose it will be easier next time.
I am less afraid. This greater spirit in myself has not meant that I have grow a hardened heart. I haven't - I am the same genuine me inside, only I am less afraid to take on challenges that I would have in the past - whether they are challenges at the gym, at work, or elsewhere. I don't back down as easily because I no longer think I can't.
I took a class yesterday that included a group exercise. Small groups are not my thing because I usually end up walking a thin line between leading the group and trying to encourage others to speak up. There was a person in my group that I just wanted to smack who was pushing her (stupid) viewpoint and would not take no for answer. I got lucky in that she had to leave early so it did not come to arm wrestling at the table. (I would have won.)
It was gratifying that the instructor came over after class and noted that he saw that I was "getting it."
I almost did not go to the class because I was caught up in the "can I handle this?" It falls right in line with my initial career path and my first love: writing. I have been wanting to approach members of the group conducting the class about possibly picking up a writing assignment or two down the road. I don't know if I am ready for that - but going to this class was the start of that journey. This class put me in touch with the right people, and who knows what happens down the road. I could not have made that leap, if I did not show up at the class. Believing in myself is what got me through that door.
What shifts in thinking have you had, sparkies? When did you notice something different about yourself?
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