MICHELLE_391   33,363
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I am having some serious commitment issues

Monday, August 25, 2014

Commitment to friends, family, work, and myself has all gone to the wayside. Iím all about being satisfied right NOW, while, of course, not really being satisfied at all.

The past six weeks have seen me reverting to old ways of eating and not exercising enough. So many mornings I have promised myself that I will eat well, track food and up my exercise. And by breakfast each day, I have failed.

My clothes donít fit well, my stamina is way off, and my body is a big squishy blah. I donít like any of it, and I want to fix it Ė one moment Ė and then the next, Iím off ďcheating,Ē like a married woman with a secret lover on the side.

I donít know whatís wrong with me. I donít know if Iíve always been this way, or if this is new. I just kind of had a revelation that Iím not an inherently unhealthy creature Ė I just am not good with comittment.

Iím trying. For example, Iíve really just wanted to eat muffins for breakfast. They go good with coffee, and they are just tasty. Even when they arenít tasty, Iíd rather eat them than the healthy breakfast I prepared for myself the night before.

So Ė this weekend I decided there was something I could do about this. The muffins Iíve been eating are these giant ones sold at the cafť where I work. I think they are actually Ottis Spunkmeyer. They are well over 450 calories for the whole thing and are made with white flour, lots of sugar and very little fruit or fiber.

While I donít see a behavioral change happening right now, I took a baby step. I baked a dozen of my own muffins this weekend. These are better-tasting and have a better texture than the ones Iíve been buying, are a reasonable single-serving size, and have very little in the way of sugar. I packed them with blueberries and used flaxseed meal and a mixture of unbleached white flour and whole wheat pastry flour.

Iím also eating a hard-boiled egg in the hopes that Iíll stay fuller longer. Plus I need the vitamins.

And tracking Ė Iím back to that today. Since long-term commitment doesnít seem to be my thing, Iím just going to have to look in the mirror and recommit every morning, until it becomes the success-inducing habit I once enjoyed.

There you have it, thatís where Iíve been. Sorry for being a crappy Sparkfriend and not much of a motivator. Iím working on it, and Iím going to blog about it in the hopes that 1) Iíll be able to motivate myself by sharing trials and tribulations, and 2) maybe help someone out who is in the same boat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGPAWSUP 8/28/2014 7:12PM

    Baby steps in the right direction is still movement!! You can do this!

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NILLAPEPSI 8/25/2014 3:35PM

    We all have our ups & downs. You're certainly not alone. I have a "care giver" personality, so I can relate. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my mom looked me in the eye & said, "Sheila, you need to take care of yourself. You can't take care of anyone else unless you are well." So, I took a break from a lot of other responsibilities in my life so that I could work on my health. Hope this helps. Keep smiling!! emoticon

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BEAUTY_WITHIN 8/25/2014 12:39PM

    That's wonderful! Great job! !

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SLOWANDSTEADY06 8/25/2014 10:00AM

    Good for you! Baby steps is the way to go. You can't change your entire life in a day. Congratulations for taking a big step forward! Forward momentum is all we can ask for.

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Low-Key and OK with it.

Saturday, July 05, 2014

Lucky for me that my social circle has become quite small. There was no picnic, no bbq, no party: no issues with being surrounded by unhealthy food in large measure or the empty calories of alcohol.

In fact, I did quite well yesterday. For whatever reason, I was super groggy yesterday and spent way too much time in bed. But I got my steps in, actually did some housework and then went out for Thai and a movie with a friend. I was very measured (pun intended) about dinner. We ordered two entrees to share. I'm very sure I had 1/4 cup of rice and two small servings of each dish. The two small servings was a bit of mental trickery - I knew I wouldn't feel deprived if I got to have two of each. The serving sizes that were brought to the table were modest by Chicago standards, and we didn't come close to eating the whole thing. There was even rice left over.

The movie I saw yesterday was HORRIBLE. It is called Life Itself, and it is a documentary about Roger Ebert, the now deceased film critic for the Chicago Sun Times. Two hours was waaayyyy too long. Most of the filming of the documentary took place while he was still alive, but in the hospital. For those of you who don't know who he was or what his illness was: he had thyroid cancer that spread to his lower jaw - which had to be removed, along with his vocal chords, tongue, everything below the upper jaw up to his neck.

I am ashamed to say I was completely grossed out by him and had to look away. The surgery took his upper jaw and chin, and his mouth was wide open much of the time. When you look at him, you have to gaze through that gaping mouth (there wasn't a whole lot of face left) and you can see the gauze around his neck - in other words, there is NOTHING BELOW THE UPPER JAW.

He did his talking a la Steven Hawking with a computer, and even in the face of death, he kept his wit and intelligence, which isn't gross at all - it's quite inspiring. He even kept a blog, which he updated until the day before he died.

Talk about incentive to take care of myself!

We went to the late movie, which means I didn't make it home until 1. I had to play around on the internet for a bit to get his image out of my mind, so I didn't get to sleep until 3. Up at 8.45 this morning. I've had my coffee, the dog had his potty break, and I've just finished breakfast - and now I really want a nap.

My plan is to take that boy on a very good walk today. I want to try for 20k steps again, but I won't be upset if I only get to 15. I have quite a bit to do today, and I may not have time to devote to 10 miles. We'll see. I just hope the weather holds out. It is looking like rain.

Have a wonderful, sparky day!

*****EDIT 9.20 pm. 18,725 steps. I'll take it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEAUTY_WITHIN 8/22/2014 1:47AM

    Great job keeping on track! Sorry I keep missing your blogs; I got unsubscribed somehow.

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JAXMOMMY 7/5/2014 10:32PM

    My dad had throat cancer and luckily they only had to take part of his lower jaw, but it still was distressing to him. Makes his stroke even more difficult too. But, that is an inspiring story. And we all complain about the most silly stuff! Glad you got all those steps in!

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NILLAPEPSI 7/5/2014 9:01PM

    Yeah, that sounds like it would be hard to watch. Sometimes a low-key day is best. Hubby & i had a low-key 4th as well. Just the way we like it. emoticon

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BIGPAWSUP 7/5/2014 12:54PM

    Hope you have a wonderful day today. Sounds like you had a great fourth.

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Still alive

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Just wanted to pop in quickly and say I'm still around. But very round. I've really been neglecting myself (and Spark) in the past week or so, and that's a bad thing.

I'm sure I've gained around 5 lbs due to eating whatever comes to mind and barely moving - I haven't crossed 10K steps since last Friday, I think.

I so need to get my brain back in order. NOW!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAXMOMMY 7/5/2014 10:33PM

    Since I am reading your blogs in reverse order, seems like you are back in order! It is so easy to let the healthy habits fall away!

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BIGPAWSUP 7/3/2014 3:15PM

    So when are we walking again?

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NILLAPEPSI 7/3/2014 11:03AM

    Today is a new day!! You can do this!! emoticon

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TRAVELGO 7/3/2014 9:50AM

  Good for you. We have to stay on top of this EVERY DAY!!

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There is a question at the end of this blog.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Coming back to work after a week off isnít easy. Getting out of bed at 4:45, getting dressed, walking the dog, driving in Ė all took extra time today as I dragged my butt around. Iím completely tuned out here at work Ė as in, I havenít really started doing any work, and it is 10:15.

Having friends out there who are un- or under employed, I feel bad about admitting this.

Upon my return, I found out that many shenanigans happened in the past week. Nothing too new, just the same old BS. Iím sure Iíll vent about that in some future blog, but Iím not in the mood to right now, and besides, Itís Monday, and Iím sure Iím not the only one out there feeling the pain of corporate BS.

Iím only feeling a little sore from yesterdayís escapades at the dunes, and Iím really happy about that. Iím just sore enough to be reminded that I DID work out and that I CAN continue. Iím hoping to get some stamina at some point today, because Iíve very nearly blown all of my calories for the day. Perhaps a short bout of step aerobics on the low step?

I started out really ďgoodĒ and then Ė the boss lady brought in cookies to celebrate my birthday. I ate one, and it exploded with such chocolaty goodness that I had to have another. Luckily for me, these were from the bakery of a grocery chain around here, and I am able to track the nutritional information. Ready for this? 341 calories PER COOKIE. GAH. I wonder if I would have behaved differently had I read the nutritional information before snarfing them down?

I ate my intended snack for the morning Ė almonds Ė right after that so that the protein could help counteract the sugar, you know, prevent the bonk.

This leaves me with between 202 and 600 calories for the day without busting a single move. The 600 is absolutely doable. The 202? Yeah, probably not.

My goal for today is to not develop the, ďwell, Iíve blown it today anywayÖĒ mindset. This is a journey, decision by decision. I made an unhealthy decision this morning, and I have the rest of the day to make better ones.

On a somewhat related note, I have a question for anyone out there. My left knee has been causing me some pain in the last month or so. Sometimes when I stretch out my legs, it gets better, but not always. Iím a bit afraid to start in on the step aerobics (my endorphin inducer of choice) if I have a wonky knee. If it continues to bother me, Iíd like to have it checked out. The problem is, I have no idea what kind of doctor would look at my knee. Who does this? A GP? A bone doctor? Orthopod?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 6/29/2014 10:37AM

    I'd recommend a sports medicine doctor (who, yes, is certified in orthopedics) since ya wanna KEEP MOVING ;-) !!!

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JAXMOMMY 6/28/2014 5:28PM

    I didn't catch the date on this blog, so youprobbly got the answer to your question already! But, usually a bone doctor, an orthopedic MD will look at knee issues. Unbelieveable about those cookies! All I can say is no wonder they tasted so good! Yikes! So hard to get back to work after a vacation and then find BS all about!

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BIGPAWSUP 6/23/2014 6:08PM

    If the stretching stops helping I would see an Ortho. So sorry you are in pain.

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BABY_GIRL69 6/23/2014 3:21PM

    Well like you said you is good to be employed but it's not always a happy mind set. I know I feel you 100% I have tomorrow off & normally one (1) day off during the week boost my mental state of mind. I don't know why but it does... Hope not too many shenanigans when on while you were away but it does happen. Celebrate your birthday for you are truly a gift that continues to give Sweets.

God bless & emoticon Happy Bday!


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NILLAPEPSI 6/23/2014 1:36PM

    It takes a little while to get back into the swing of things. Be patient with yourself.

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KNEEMAKER 6/23/2014 12:21PM

  An Orthopedic would be best to check on a knee problem. It could be several things. I am currently having pain in my right knee. I think I have a very sore lateral collateral ligament. I am hoping I did not tear it. I will probably rest it for a few days and see if it gets better. I did a 5K yesterday and it became very sore last night and is creating walking problems today. I hope your knee gets better and that it is nothing serious. I work in the Orthopedic arena, thus, my name tag. Have a Marvelous Monday. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/23/2014 12:22:30 PM

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PEANUT883 6/23/2014 11:37AM

  Good job not giving into the "well, I've blown it anyway" trap. That is certainly one of the hardest things I deal with and I'm glad to see that it is possible to get through it. Thank you and good luck!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Catching up

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Wowie zowie! I've been out of touch for about a week now and it has felt really strange. I'm glad to be back in the swing of things. I need to read bunches of blogs and catch up with all of you!

I spent the last week out in rural PA visiting my family. My sister's son graduated from high school, and a cousin of ours graduated as well, but she also had a clarinet concert featuring work by her dad. Shopping at DE outlet malls (NO SALES TAX ON CLOTHING) was fAN tastic, and good sister bonding time.

It was so good to get out of dodge for a while, but I am really happy to be home. I missed my dog and my life!

While I was away, I got very little fitness in, but although I didn't track my food, I know I was in range most days. We dined on fruit, fruit, fruit and veggies most of the time. I've missed fruit!!

My sister and her family eat really healthy, but her husband is going really over board these days. He rations food - whether you want it rationed or not - and locks up anything with carbohydrates, fat, or sugar in the basement pantry where there is a fridge. Seriously - the room has a lock! While I think that's asinine, I'm glad there wasn't any temptation.

I came back on Thursday and have sort of been rebelling a bit against the brother-in-law by eating with reckless abandon. I caught myself yesterday though, realizing that I was behaving like an insolent teen, and that really, I was just hurting myself.

Today was freaking awesome. I went hiking in the dunes with a WoNDERFUL Spark buddy in the area. We took the dogs and off we went. We had a chance to talk and walk and really catch up - although there is still more, but the summer is still young and the dunes aren't going anywhere.

I am SO pumped by the hike. I was so sure that I was going to need a nap when I got home, but no dice. I'm feeling the beloved endorphins and just loving the world right now.

There was one really steep climb which in the sand gave me a bit of trouble. I huffed and puffed and begged my dog to quit checking on me and PULL, but he wouldn't. And I made it up that hill, slower than my buddy, but I did it. And I am proud. The iron is obviously starting to build up in my blood, and I think it is time to start some actual workouts.

As an aside, today is my 45th birthday. I don't have any particular feelings about the number except for "When did THIS happen?" But it was very cool to push myself physically today as a little proof that this old mare is so not ready for the pasture.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 6/29/2014 10:39AM

    Beach hike sounds fantastic! Gotta post about my beach ride from a couple of wks ago - it was a whirlwind trip, but terrific...

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JAXMOMMY 6/28/2014 5:32PM

    Happy Belated Birthday! Sounds like a great day! I'm no expert, but I believe huffing and puffing burns loads of calories! Glad it was a great dunes hike with a good friend and all the furbabies!

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NILLAPEPSI 6/23/2014 7:29AM

    I know who you went walking with because I read her blog, too. Awesome!! You two should do that more often. emoticon That's crazy about your brother-in-law!! Who locks up food? Why even have it in the house at all? Weird.

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BEAUTY_WITHIN 6/22/2014 10:26PM

    Sounds like you guys had fun. :) Happy birthday!

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AHORSEY1 6/22/2014 9:13PM

    emoticon What a great way to celebrate!

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BIGPAWSUP 6/22/2014 8:53PM

    You were amazing!! I'm so happy you had fun. You really deserved to have a great time.

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