Friday, November 25, 2011
I live in an apartment complex owned by my university. It is situated right along a river (probably not the best choice), and has a large copse of trees nearby. Deer like to come by at different times, usually dusk or later, to nibble on various plants that I assume must be particularly tasty.
Tonight I did one of my run-walks, back and forth on each level of my building. I am not sure exactly how many circuits I did (a lot! I was trying to burn off anxiety. See comment on previous blog entry). Well, I have to say, my experience tonight amused me, because I wasn't entirely alone. I saw a deer munching away on something crunchy each time I walked or ran on one side of the building.
The first time it looked really nervous, like it was going to bolt. Then it saw I wasn't trying to chase it, so it chilled out and didn't pay much attention...until I got to the ground level. By this time, a couple other deer had joined it, and they were much more skittish. I had several moments when I was wondering if I would end up on some awful show, like, "When adorable wild forest animals that look like Bambi attack!"
Fortunately, that wasn't the case. However, it was rather funny to see them eying me cautiously when I walked past (or nonchalantly, with the more savvy "veteran" deer that had seen me do this several times already), or spring away in one direction when I ran past...only to have to run back when I returned in the other direction.
I'm certain if I didn't put them off their dinner due to nervousness, I at least confused them. I mean, after all, if I wasn't eating, wasn't stalking or chasing them, what WAS I doing (at least from the deer's perspective)?
(what the deer probably thought I was)
(how harmful I actually was)
Have a good weekend!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
I was able to get myself up and running today - literally - which is something I don't always manage to do. It occurred to me a couple weeks back that the practice of being physically active first thing (or close to it) would help set the tone for my day.
My running is really more of a walk/jog thing that I do on the wrap-around cement balcony of my apartment building. I warm up by doing all 4 floors twice, and then I jog a length and walk back, on all 4 levels, a few times. At this point I'm doing more walking than jogging, and each burst of jogging lasts about 30 seconds.
Do I have a mileage or time goal? Not really, at least at this point. For right now it's all about process, rather than destination. The goal isn't to make a certain number of miles, or do it in a certain amount of time, but rather to be willing to try something that is a little difficult for me, and to challenge the habit of sitting most of my day.
I've been more "gung-ho" than this. I've been more physically active, logged more miles, lost more weight...and then gained it all back, and then some, when something came along to discourage me or distract me in some area of my life.
I don't want to ride that discouragement roller-coaster anymore. So I'm trying a different approach, taking things slowly, seeing how I feel. Refraining from the all-or-nothing perspective that requires me to achieve every single goal and objective I set for myself, at the time that I said I'd achieve it, or else I'm a "failure."
This journey has been exactly that. I've sometimes had to regroup, and even circle back, to figure out what it is that I want, and what works for me versus what doesn't. I think and plan, then if it doesn't happen the way I planned, I re-think and re-set my goals and then re-plan, until what I'm doing feels like it fits.
By doing this in my academics, I've managed to maintain what I believe is an A average this semester. I've done this with my finances and my personal organization, and have seen overall improvements (not perfection) that I wouldn't have seen if I'd stayed on the roller-coaster of striving for perfection, giving up because I can't attain it, and then beating myself up for giving up.
Allowing myself to make mistakes, not hit my goals right away and have to pick myself up has worked to help me be farther down the road toward overall wellness than the roller coaster ever did. My belief is that this same process will help me to slowly develop the character I need to eventually be living in a healthy body, with a healthy mind, and robust finances.
So, I guess I'll go on running...sometimes. And sometimes I'll walk. Eventually I'll get there.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
This week has been tumultuous for me, both eating-wise and mood-wise. Grouchy. Snappy. Impatient. Downright ornery, as some would say. Keeping it under control...barely! and not quite 100%.
As for my eating, much of it was seriously because I was really hungry. Couldn't get enough. This isn't normal for me. I've had my moments with binge eating (see my earlier blogs about ramen noodles!) but this was truly hunger. I'd have a growling stomach, eat something, wait for about half an hour...and still be ravenous. This, after eating six times in one day.
Needless to say, this put me over the edge calorie-wise more than once this week. Other than the bizarro intense bouts of irritation, I haven't been overly emotional, so I don't believe it's that.
After talking to my friend, who's lost over 100 pounds himself, we came to the conclusion that it's actually a lack of sleep that's thrown me off kilter. He suggested that it might be my body's way of trying to get energy. Makes sense to me.
Today was somewhat better. Still at the high end of my calorie range, and my food choices were far from stellar. But now that I have a sense of what's going on, I'm going to try working the sleep issue out, and get my food prepped tomorrow morning.
And with that, off to bed!
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Routine, routine. I used to think of routine as "boring." Now I find myself, ironically, trying to set up a routine in my week, and struggling to use large stretches of time instead of wasting them.
This is a luxury not many people have, I admit. And I'm not complaining that I have this time. My question is, how do I use it, and build a routine, without becoming "boxed in" to a sort of "daily grind," where I start resenting people and commitments? I'm concerned about this because I've done it before, and I'd really rather not do it again.
There's nothing like a person who seems to have found the right balance. They appear energized, happy, calm, and free. They get a lot done, but when they give you their time, you never feel like an imposition. And they willingly give it where it seems to be needed most.
I'd like to be that kind of person, who can truly look at my life, see what's most important, then adjust my activities to fit that. I guess it's a work in progress?
Until I have achieved this marvelous miracle, I guess I'm just going to have to find a good place to sit with my cup of coffee, and work out a schedule or to-do list.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Finally got up the nerve to buy a digital camera that I've been meaning to buy for ages. So the first pictures I took were two of those dreaded "before" shots, one from the front, one from the side.
Yikes! What scares me more is that I've actually DROPPED almost 20 lbs. by this point. What would I have looked like at 236, my highest weight?? While the weight is noticeable from the front, it's when you see me from the side that it becomes really clear how big I am. People think my waist is smaller than it really is; I think the profile picture disproves that, unfortunately.
As much as I'm griping about all this, though, it really is a part of the process of becoming more honest with myself: with what I really look like, how others see me (at least on the outside), and what changes my body has truly undergone.
This didn't happen overnight. There are no "fat gnomes" that go around depositing fat on us while we sleep. I put this on my own body, day by day, over the course of over a decade. I chose to not listen to my body when it told me it was full, and didn't need any more food. I chose to become increasingly inactive, and withdraw from the active things that build a healthy body. I chose large portions. I chose to ignore all the signs: the stretchmarks, the changing shape of different parts of my body, how my clothes fit differently - or not at all.
I CHOSE this. And while it could be super-easy now to just wallow in a cesspool of guilt and self-recrimination about that fact, guess what? I've already been there, and done that, and got even fatter while I was at it. So I choose NOT to do that.
My body loves me, and I love my body. It's been there for me every day, every hour, every minute, carrying me where I need to go, and helping me do what I need to do. I'm so grateful I have two legs, two arms, a reasonably healthy heart and vital organs (despite the obesity and family history, thank God!) that I can use for almost anything I want to do. Some people aren't as lucky as I am, and have to struggle every day just to do the basics. I applaud them, and am humbled by their valiant efforts.
It might be shocking to me to see just how big my body is right now, but this is the body that supported me through a host of heartbreaks, and got me through illnesses. My goal is to do my body the justice it deserves now, instead of complaining about how it doesn't match up to some airbrushed model on a magazine. As Cindy Crawford, one of the most popular supermodels of the 1980's and 1990's said, "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
Well-said, Cindy. I might never look like a model, but I CAN start taking care of my body the way it is right now. And that's what I CHOOSE to do, from now on.
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