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Brave....

Thursday, May 30, 2013

WATCH THIS & Listen!!!
I absolutely ADORE this song lately....
Sometimes I wish my words would just fall out.
Sometimes I wish I were brave....

BRAVE by Sara Bareilles

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you


~~~~~~~~~~~
We can do this... we can be brave... some way, some how... let's be brave. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST-DUCKY 6/4/2013 10:22AM

    Want to hear something funny? I heard this song not long ago and really listened it to the first time. I went home and sent it to my older kids. And made it my new song.

I love it! And you!! emoticon

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CHUBRUB3 5/30/2013 6:45PM

    YOU ARE BRAVE MY FRIEND.
You are amazing. Love you.
Angela

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*RENEAT* 5/30/2013 5:48PM

    That's awesome! Thanks for sharing!

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Wildfires....

Friday, May 03, 2013

Song of the day...

Wildfires by Alissa Moreno

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DVYH9B8UHw

every time you think you won't make it
and each time you're convinced
you can't take it
picture me in this light
think of me, you can fight
cause i've been chewed up and spit
i've been big, i've been hit
i've been burned but i have learned

that we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out(2x) wildfires

and when you get the feeling
it's not in you
and all those times remind you of what you can't do
remember me, i've lost and loved
and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used
i've been fooled, i've abused
all my rights to living, but i'm alive

'cause we survive, we get by
we take those hits and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
don't you put out

Wildfires

let them come, i'm going to let them take me
let them burn up everything
that's made me
'til the end, i swear, i'm never going to let them break me

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i am scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take those hits
and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out
don't you put out

when there's no doubt how it's going to turn out
let them burn out,
let them burn out
dont' you burn out
never put out

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKEYMAX 5/6/2013 4:17PM

    Go girl!

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DIFROMWYOMING 5/6/2013 12:01AM

    emoticon

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_KATHY 5/4/2013 10:45AM

    That is a great lyric. Thanks Marissa :)

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OKBACK2ME 5/3/2013 11:01PM

    emoticon

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CHUBRUB3 5/3/2013 6:35PM

    How are you my dear friend?
Let me know what is happening in your life.
Big hugs,
Angela

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Not Quite Drowning...

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I'm a true believer... Don't tempt fate by asking "Why me?" or "What else can go wrong?" or "How much more am I supposed to take?" Because ultimately fate, or whatever it is that you want to call it, can and will bite you in the butt. I believe that and time and time again I've witnessed it. Once you wonder those kind of things, even in thought..... POW, you are hit with another doozey right between the eyes. Things CAN get worse and if you wanna ask, it will be known.

This is why I am often just grateful for what I have, even in times of hardship and challenges. I admit, I am only human, I have my moments, where I think to myself.... "Something has just gotta give. This is too much." I guess essentially that is similar to the above questions. However, I refuse to ask for more.

Another thing that helps me keep my head level at times is telling myself... "God will never give you more than you can take." I suppose meaning that he knows my heart, he knows my strength and he will not give me the challenges that will break me but give me the ones that will lead me. This is how I try to see it anyway. You may disagree and that is fine, but this works for me. Take a breath, remind myself of that little mantra and keep swimming to keep from drowning.

I know there are times when I write blog after blog and as of late, I've been pretty much gone with the wind. Life around here has been.... yep, challenging. Scares and heartache and worry and tears. I know I have posted updates a lot asking for prayers and wishes and I want to thank every single one of you for doing that. It means more to me than you will ever know. And so, I guess I decided to write this blog to finally share the WHY I have been asking... I realize it hasn't been fair to keep you all in the dark.

I'll be honest, while I am usually an open book and willing to share my thoughts, feelings about things and my life, some of these things are hard to share. I guess a part of me, thinks if I talk about these things I will be judged or that I would be tempting that "fate" to throw more curve balls at me right when I think I'm not sure how much more I can take. I know my problems are not more or less important than anyone elses but just the same, they are mine. I am in a way doing my best to keep from drowning and I hope you all understand and continue with the love and support that you have always offered me. It is a gift that I cherish and again, thank you!

So lets start...

This one has been hard to share because I guess it makes me feel like a terrible mom... I didn't teach my child well enough to know better but in reality, I know I have. Also, I know it is an embarrassing situation for our whole family and so I have debated with myself, on and off about talking about it for months. But I realize, I'm not going to give away direct identities and really, what are you going to do, throw rocks at my son on the streets? No, I think not... Anyways, I digress a little...

Four months ago, my eldest son was caught shop lifting while on a shopping trip with his grandparents. This in itself was bad enough. However, my son decided to do a "typical" teenage thing in the very worst of circumstances. He did it on a military base. With his grandparents.. With his retired Navy man grandfather who earned his right to use their PX after 20 years of service. On Veteran's day weekend.

This came as a shock to our entire family and rocked it at the core. His grandfather has yet to see or speak to either of my children since it has happened. That in itself is devastating to everyone involved. You would think that would be enough to get through to my son, well that and having his rights read to him. I know it would have for me and I would be kissing butt like a big ole suck up right about now. But for my son... not so much.

He still walks in the door 4 hours after school is let out without a check in call. He still hasn't earned the money to pay for the fees his actions incurred. He walks around like he owns the world. He is still getting less than stellar grades in school and has a bad attitude. Although I must admit that the last two have improved some.

I am at my whits end and my husband has all but given up on trying to get through to him. We've yelled and screamed and taken away privileges and belongings. Threatened and even begged. Like I said, his attitude is better. His relationship with his little brother has improved some. He's being more brotherly rather than a bully. He is making the tiniest of efforts but in all honesty, it isn't enough because for every step forward he makes, he does something that takes him two steps back.

I refuse to give up on my child but at the same time I don't know what else I can do short of washing my hands of him. He has community service that I must attend with him for his thieving ways and I'm willing to do that but he needs to also make his amends himself and on his own accord. I am hoping he will see the error in his ways... SOON! Gah! Teenagers!!!

Next! emoticon

The next thing has me sort of confused and for some reason, I can't seem to get it out of the back of my mind. In the grand scheme of things, it isn't much. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and married for almost 16. There have been times that I have worried that he may wander. This mostly comes when I am super down on myself and wonder... "why wouldn't he? I wouldn't blame him, look at me! Gross!" However, I also have never been given any reason to believe that he has or ever will stray. It's just an insecurity of mine when I'm down and low.

However, a month and a half or so ago... I opened a letter from our bank to him. (I have always opened this kind of stuff, so I wasn't betraying a trust or anything, I'm just the one who deals with these things.) It was a letter declining his application for a credit card. Now this alone wouldn't have been a big deal but our bank had been calling for him for a few weeks by this point and kept refusing to talk to me even though my names are on all of our accounts. So, I naturally asked him about it. He said he had no clue why they kept calling. Then this... as you might guess, my brain went on over drive and well, I had to ask myself... "Why would he need a secret credit card?" and "If he just wanted to see if he could get one, then why not just tell me he applied?"... Stuff like that... I went into a tailspin of worry, doubt, anger, distrust and hurt.

I asked him about it with the letter in my hand, calmly I might add. He looked genuinely confused. He took the letter from me and swore he did not apply for one and while a huge part of me believed him, I had a letter right there with an application number. Hmmmm.... ponderance... However, the next day, something else happened that made that credit card application fall to the wayside. Made it seem insignificant and unimportant.

I got an email from my doctor....

A few blogs ago, I talked about giving up on myself. I stopped taking care of myself and was trying to get back on track. I finally went back to my doctor and she got blood tests out of me. I got them back and as I expected, my sugars had been scary high.... 12.3 A1C high!!! My doctor ended up referring me to go back to my endocrinologist. I then emailed her back asking what all the other numbers and stuff meant because she said she was "concerned".

This was her email reply:
"Hi Marisa,
I will go ahead and put in the referral. Your cholesterol is high and your kidneys are starting to show the effects of the diabetes, showing that they are sustaining some damage. The most important thing is to get the sugars down. Hopefully Dr. O***** can be helpful with that.
Take care"

BOOOOOOOM! My world imploded. What!?!
But a part of me knew, I hadn't felt quite right in some time. I made the biggest mistake anyone can make and googled kidney failure and scared myself out of my whits. In my opinion WebMD is just evil!!!! All it does is scare the crap out of you without knowing details if your situation. So I got scared... REALLY scared.

My appointment with the endocrinologist was 4 1/2 weeks away and I didn't know what any of it meant. I should have called my doctor and asked for more details but I didn't. Instead I stayed scared.

For 4 weeks, I told myself to be hopeful because a couple of reasons....
1. If it was where as bad as it could be, they wouldn't let me wait and would want to see me immediately.
2. If it was that bad, she would have been sending me to a kidney specialist rather than an endocrinologist.
3. This was a new development because she hadn't mentioned anything about it from my blood work 6 months before.

Sounds fair enough right? This is how I survived those 4 weeks. I have been working like mad to get my sugars under control. Right now I am mainly focusing on taking my meds, every dose, when I am supposed to and watching my food intake... watching those despicable carbs! They are coming down... still need some tweeking but I am truly trying.

Last week, I finally saw that endocrinologist... she said my 12.3 a1c translates into over 300 constantly. Sounded about right. Even fasting was often 300+. She didn't even notice the results about my kidneys, I had to ask. She said that I have protein in my urine but my kidney function in my blood looks fine. She said that first you see it in the urine and if it persists then it starts the kidney damage/disease that you see in blood work. Good(ISH) news, I'm not dying tomorrow! Getting those sugars down will help immensely!!!

She wanted to change up my insulin quite a bit but it turns out that for just ONE bottle is an outrageous price.... $800!!! After insurance $300. I just can't afford that, so we are currently considering other options and I am continuing the regime I am currently on until we can figure out other options. Working on it more than I have in 13 years and I believe that is a good step forward... a step at a time. We will get this under control... FINALLY! I have faith in that.

So onto the NEXT!

Like I said, my husband and I have been married for nearly 16 years.... in these years, my husband has not had a single check up in all those years. I'd mention it and he'd say yeah, but my health needs seem to have always come first and I feel terrible about this but neither of us really pushed the need because he has always been very healthy.

He gets a bug... he kicks it in 2-3 days when the rest of us struggle for 2 weeks. One out of four times he actually gets something. He is active. He is well, presumably healthy.... But with the kidney scare, I went to him and said, if he expected me to get healthier then he had to see the doctor too. Our family needed a health overhaul!

So he agreed, he asked me to go with him and I did. Good thing too because half the time both him and the doctor looked to me to answer questions, hahaha. He blood tests done and were relatively great. His cholesterol is high but can be managed with diet and he needs vitamin D..... the downfall to living in Seattle.

But another thing came up, and he probably wouldn't be thrilled that I am sharing this but I don't know any way around it. He let her know that he has been having blood in his stool. I knew this but I didn't know everything. She examined him and couldn't see anything so she recommended a colonoscopy.

He did that yesterday. They did the procedure on his own but when I went back to recovery to see him, it was all I could do to not break into tears. He lay there with an oxygen tube up his nose and an IV in his arm and for the first time ever, I realized that he wasn't superman. He looked so frail and it was such a contrast in rolls from the norm that it threw me for a loop. I'm the sick one, not him.

I love my husband. I always have. I don't know if I REALLY realized just how much before that moment. He has been my hero and my rock and I am so scared of losing him. Of him getting sick. Of anything that would break us apart too soon. I am terrified. It turns out he had 3 polyps which are out to pathology and we go back in two weeks to find out what they found. The hope is that they are not cancerous. Prayers on that one please and yet another sit and wait to find out kind of thing.

During all of this, 2 weeks ago, my youngest was roller skating at school and fell and broke his arm. He broke both bones in his forearm clean through but luckily no displacement. He is sporting a bright red cast for the next couple of weeks. I received a letter from the insurance company saying they are going to go after a "third party" for the responsibility of the bill but um, really? Hope that gets figured out, I called and answered their questions like they asked and we will see what happens. I hope we don't have to fit the whole bill.

Also, my youngest is being bullied by "his friends" and I am currently waiting to hear from the principle about this. It's been going on for a while and he didn't want me to get involved but when he asked if he could go to a different school next year, I had had enough. Poor guy. He is such a sweetheart and has been standing by the drama of his brothers crap and watching his family go through some tough things and now being teased too. Mama bear isn't too happy about that.

My mother doesn't help situations either but what else is new, lol. My brother lives with us right now and it is a strain on everyone financially and otherwise. Thank goodness he is a pretty nice guy or he would drive me crazy. My sister rarely speaks to me but I know her life is stressful being out of work that just adds to concern for my family, direct and otherwise.

My grandmother has been ill with some lung condition that everyone isn't talking about except saying it is going to claim her life soon and my aunt who has MS is deteriorating even though she tries so hard to hide it.

Life is full of so many joys and wonder and even through all of that, I am looking for those little glimmers that brighten my day. But also, there are all those fears and worries. I am trying to stay strong... to fight through it all. It is an everyday battle but like I said... I'm not quite drowning.

Thanks for reading.
Hope you all are well.
Please keep those prayers, wishes, thoughts or whatever you believe in coming and I will happily return them.
Seize the day and look for the good even when you are scared.
Much Love...
emoticon Marisa

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DJSQUISHIE 3/26/2013 10:32PM

    Wow, that is a lot for one person to deal with. You are such a strong individual, I hope you realize that! Also your family is so lucky to have you, and I hope you start to take better care of yourself, because you're worth it.

I hope everything comes back ok regarding your husbands results!

emoticon

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JUST-DUCKY 3/20/2013 9:05AM

    Dang girl. When it rains, it pours! I hope things settle down for you soon. You are amazingly strong and I know you'll be okay but a little less drama sure would be good! I'm here if you need me. I've been dealing with some stuff, but I'm still here. Always!

Big hugs to you, my friend.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_KATHY 3/17/2013 12:39PM

    Marisa...Wow! Through everything you have going on, your attitude is right on. You are taking each issue and dealing with it. That's all you can do. Keep up the hard work with your older son. I know it's difficult and most give up and give in but in the long run, your efforts will benefit him and you. Everything else will be as it will be. Regarding the bank. Who knows how it got started but I do know that no matter how many places you sign your name along with your DH, the bank will not talk to you if your name is not on the one that they are currently talking about. If they call again and he is with you have him give permission for you to talk for him. Take care of yourself first Marisa. Get that A1c down and your whole perceptions will be brighter
Hugs
Kathy

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GEORGIA_KAY 3/14/2013 5:24AM

    Oh my word you have a lot of struggles right now, I'll sure be praying for you and your family.

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READYBETTY 3/13/2013 7:45PM

    Will continue to lift you and your family up in prayers. Holdfast to God's promises and focus on Him. He will see you through all of this!

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LINDAINALABAMA 3/13/2013 5:38PM

    Thanks so much for sharing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

emoticon

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MAVERICK59 3/13/2013 12:59AM

    Marisa,
Clearly we all care about you.
I have so much of my own stuff going on I just don't have the energy to give you a big response, but please know I will include you in my prayers.

Hugs,
Belinda

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DIFROMWYOMING 3/12/2013 11:21PM

    My goodness, woman, that is a lot to be carrying around! I'm glad you felt like you could trust that to us 'out here', and I am proud of you for getting yourself to the dr, and your husband too. I know how hard kids can be, you just want to hug and shake them all at once sometimes. But anyone who is 'acting out' is having their own kind of pain- so I hope you can find a place of peace in all this- for all of you.
Hugs, Di

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SYCAMOREGIRL 3/12/2013 9:47PM

    Girl, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are dealing with a lot right now, and know that we Sparkers are here for you. We stick together and help each other. One thing in helping to control your sugars is to watch the fats. I have been talking with some other diabetics in this class I took, and they said that keeping an eye on the fats helped to control their sugar levels.

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ISAVEDME80 3/12/2013 8:35PM

    praying for you all.


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WORLDSERIES11 3/12/2013 7:06PM

    Marisa, so sorry for all you are dealing with right now. emoticon
Love that you are still looking for the good in all situations emoticon
that attitude will help you in dealing with what life "throws" at you.
Stay strong emoticon ...you are in my thoughts and prayers!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ADEWYN 3/12/2013 7:04PM

    Girlfriend.. you need to stop holding this all in.. seriously... we are here for you... of course you have our prayers for everything.. but you need to take care of you....please let us know how hubbys tests come back.. please take bette care of yourself (we are here to cheer you on!!) and you oldest... he will eventually come around just keep doing what you are doing... and your youngest :( aww :(

Here is my email: goddessarc@hotmail.com
you also can find me here by there mail system and facebook : Adewyn Le Blanc
ANYTIME!!!!


Much hugs and love !!

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CHUBRUB3 3/12/2013 5:22PM

    Marisa, I am so very sorry to hear of all that is happening my dear friend.
I am sending you love, prayers and hope.
Hope to get you through, to make a stronger tighter bond with your family while you cope with all of life's trials.
It will get better.
One note that you should talk to the bank so no one is trying to use your identity in getting credit, etc. Not to worry you, just being preventative and ruling things out.
Hugs and love,
Angela

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TKOVACH1 3/12/2013 5:22PM

    Marisa
My prayers are with you and your family. You certainly have many things going on all at one time. Teenagers can be difficult but it sounds as if you are doing a great job in making him pay for any costs incurred and taking responsibility for what he did. I don't believe one should ever turn their back on a family member no matter what the problems that life brings. I believe in unconditional love. I pray for good results for your husbands polyps and for your health issues as well. All I have to offer you is my unconditional support and prayers. Blessings to you and your family.
emoticon emoticon

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MALEX4 3/12/2013 4:31PM

    Wow! Got a lot going on right now. Praying for all of it.

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SKIRNIR 3/12/2013 4:07PM

    Yowsers, sounds like life hasn't been good to you lately. I so hope things get better for you. And I hope your son's grandfather starts speaking to him again. It just seems so harsh to not speak to a family member, even if that family member has done something horribly wrong.

Teenagers are hard. They don't communicate much at all and leave us parents guessing about what the heck is really going on in their heads. Even if your teen doesn't show any regret over his actions, know that he may feel them. Help him to make ammends, but let him make those ammends. IE he should pay the damages, and whatever costs are necessary.

I have to say that my son shop lifted once and I had no idea at the time. He must have been about 9 or so and took a push pop. A lousy $1 push pop from a dollar store. My twin saw it under his pillow and asked him about it. He said I had given it to him. In the end, he fessed up saying he didn't want to go to jail. I think shop l lifting looks so easy and who are you harming? An unknown large company? But it is about ones own integrity, not the harm you are causing another. As I told my son, when I asked you about it, before he fessed up, he lied to me. It makes me doubt him when he tells me things. It hurts his integrity and it is hard to get that back. Not impossible, but hard.

I hope your husband's pollops turn out non cancerous and benign. Wishing the best for you, your husband and your family. Hope life gets better for you soon.

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Find Me

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Today, I hauled my voluptuous booty outta bed.
Took my necessary medications.
Got naked.
Weighed in... (Ugggghhhh, up 1.8 lbs, water weight perhaps?)
Got dressed.
Got the kid dressed.
Fed him.
Found my tennie runners.
Took the boy to his bus with the dog.
Took the dog around the block.
Went home and grabbed my iPod.
Left dog at home and went for another "me time" 0.85 mile walk.
Stopped by the store before coming home and picked up 'Hotel Transylvania' from the redbox for my boy who gets out of school early today to surprise him. (He's been dying to watch it.)
Went home and made myself a strawberry smooth that contained a splash of milk, fat-free strawberry yogurt and about 10 big frozen strawberries.
And now...
I'm sitting here sipping it and writing this blog....

How exciting! emoticon
All that done before 9 am... Nice... and the whole day lies ahead.
Let's just pray my teenager doesn't hurt my decent mood by playing another disappearing act for hours and hours today after school. But I'm not going to let that ruin my day until it happens, IF it happens.... it better not... grrrr....
emoticon lol

So, I'm not sure really what the point of this blog is...
Perhaps it's just to share that I'm in a decent and hopeful mood today.
But also to share the song of my day...
Every time I walk there always seems to be a song that touches my heart with it's lyrics, the one that stands out among all the others on that particular day... Today that song was...

FIND ME by Diana Degarmo
(I SOOOO wish youtube had it but I couldn't find it. Look for it if you can, it's good.)
Here is a link to amazon if you can use it...
www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=
search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=find
+me+diana+degarmo


So here are the lyrics...

"Find Me"

When morning comes
I'm gonna force myself to crawl out of this bed
Open my eyes
And stare out at the open road ahead
Oh, I have stumbled
Been knocked down
But now I'm ready to leave the ground

[Chorus]
And fly, spread my wings
And leave the past behind
There's a life for me that I wanna find
And I'm strong enough to be myself this time
I'm wanna leave and not look back
I wanna laugh and love and dance
Don't wanna miss another chance
To find me

For so long
Oh I was too afraid to make a change
Nobody knew
The smile I wore was just a masquerade
Now I'm letting go of
All my fears
No more hiding
No more tears

[Chorus]
I'm gonna fly, spread my wings
And leave the past behind
There's a life for me that I wanna find
And I'm strong enough to be myself this time
I'm wanna leave and not look back
I wanna laugh and love and dance
Don't wanna miss another chance
To find me

Oh I've made promises
To everyone else
And now it's time I do something
For myself
Yeah

[Chorus]
Hey I'm gonna fly, spread my wings
And leave the past behind
There's a life for me that I wanna find
And I'm strong enough to be myself this time
I'm wanna leave and not look back
I wanna laugh and love and dance
Don't wanna miss another chance
To find me
Yeah, yeah
Oh
Find me

~~~ Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday everyone... don't forget to keep searching and reaching for your dreams. I am and someday I hope to really "find me" too.

emoticon, Marisa





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ISAVEDME80 2/21/2013 12:00AM

    i like the song and the photos. im going to snag them for my computer i like seeing the motivation :)


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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 2/10/2013 8:03PM

    What a great day!

I found it hun, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRBT
UI-Ds5o
I loved that song! I feel like I could have wrote it.

Thanks for sharing!
emoticon
Kat

Comment edited on: 2/10/2013 8:04:23 PM

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DJSQUISHIE 2/8/2013 2:14PM

    Yay! I'm glad you had a great day, and I hope it has continued throughout the week!

emoticon

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SCZKCZ 2/8/2013 12:35PM

    My 8 year old LOVES Hotel Transylvania, hoping to watch it with her this weekend!!! Congrats on such a great morning!!! Sure feels good, I can tell by the way you wrote how great you were feeling!!! Hope it lasted and you're still doing great!!!!
Really enjoy your blogs!!!! Keep them coming!!!!

I have a 14 year old too, she doesn't give me much trouble, other than typical girl mood swings. Sorry that your teen gives you a hard time.

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MAVERICK59 2/7/2013 9:13PM

    Hey Marisa!
Nice to 'see' you smile.
You go girl!

Hugs,
Belinda

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_KATHY 2/7/2013 1:49AM

    Pink and black... Diana Degarmo... great song lyrics. I haven't heard it. she was 16 and almost won AI... you sound great today.. Hope your day was super all day.

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GODIVADSG 2/6/2013 10:23PM

    emoticon

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ORCHIDLADY56 2/6/2013 8:36PM

    You go girl! Doing great!

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OKBACK2ME 2/6/2013 8:18PM

    Great Song and sounds like you had a great start to the day! I am sooo glad I'm old and all my kids are over the teenage stage. Hang in there, they do grow up eventually!

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TKOVACH1 2/6/2013 5:23PM

    Sounds like your day started off wonderfully! Good job and walking again and having such an amazing mood for the day. You deserve good things to happen in your life. You deserve "me time", you are worth it.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 2/6/2013 2:25PM

    Motivating blog Marisa! Don't let anything take away your good mood.

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CHUBRUB3 2/6/2013 1:51PM

    Yeah Marisa!!
Your doing amazing!!
You can do this, YOU ARE!!
Hugs,
Angela


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WORLDSERIES11 2/6/2013 1:32PM

    Great way to start your day!! Hope it continues to be a great day and continue being kind to yourself. emoticon emoticon

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VALYNN26 2/6/2013 1:19PM

    You're off to a great start!! Every little thing you do gets a little easier. You're making progress. 1 day at a time. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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READYBETTY 2/6/2013 1:00PM

    Your day is off to a great start! You're doing awesome!!

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JUST-DUCKY 2/6/2013 12:42PM

    emoticon You are amazing! I'm so stinking proud of you.

(When I grow up, I want to be you) Well, that's not creepy at all! Haha. But really, I know you're struggling and I know you're hurting, but look at you! You're pulling yourself up and you're doing this. Every little step forward is a step closer to good health and all your goals. Keep going. Maybe you'll light a spark under my butt too.

emoticon

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STEPHANIE302013 2/6/2013 12:38PM

    Hotel Transylvania is such a cute movie - I took a friends 3 kids (5, 11 & 13) to see it in theatre and they just loved it!

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The Great Escape

Sunday, February 03, 2013

As some of you may know, I have been trying to return to this journey of weight loss and health... I'm trying to find it in me to start all over again. I admittedly had checked out of trying to save my life and I am still desperately trying to find the strength to check back in... It is still a day by day battle. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second.

My husband opens a bag of chips and it literally took me 3 hours of consciously fighting with myself to not get up and grab a handful. Lunch time comes... it takes everything in me to make myself believe that one sandwich is enough... Add a banana if you're still hungry (and I HATE bananas, lol). Dinner... Come on Marisa! One reasonably portioned meal is all you need.... Gah, I'm still hungry! Or so I think I am...

I. AM. STRUGGLING. Not only with the food but the get up and go. I don't know how to check back in. I don't know how to make myself "just do it". I am drowning in doubt about my ability to change my life around. How do you completely change a lifetime of bad habits and self loathing? How do you be the opposite of everything you know and have been comfortable with your entire life? How?

Honestly, I don't know but I'm doing my best to wing it. I probably am still eating too many calories but I am making an effort to pay attention rather than just shoveling. I have walked 3 days in a row now... not far, by all means, not far and not fast. But I am walking... I'm starting slow... The point is I'm starting... and for me, for now, that is enough...

Today, instead of giving into that extra sandwich or handful of chips I turned on my iPod and told my husband I was going for a walk... no kids, no dog, no him.... just me. It probably was the best decision for me. I needed to escape.... as I walked a song came on that threatened to bring on tears, touched on a message I need to keep repeating to myself until I get it.... and funny enough... it is called...

The Great Escape by P!nk

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Wl5-audkPY

Lyrics...
"The Great Escape"

I can understand how the edges are rough
And they cut you like the tiny slithers of glass
And you feel too much
And you don't know how long you're gonna last,

But everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
But everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Like you're trying to scream underwater,
But, I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin out of this place
I'm not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
Gonna keep you alive someday

I feel like I could wave my fist in front of your face
And you wouldn't flinch or even feel a thing
And you retreat to your silent corner
Like you decided the fight was over for ya,

Everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
Everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Everyone needs a floor they can fall through
I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin outta this place
I'm not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
They're gonna keep you alive someday

Oh, Terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me
And I don't need a pill to make me numb
And I wrote the book on runnin',
But that chapter of my life will soon be done

I'm the king of the great escape
You're not gonna watch me checkin outta this place
You're not gonna lose me
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep us alive, someday
Yeah the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep us alive someday, someday

~~~~~~
Upon hearing this, I realized she was singing to herself and in turn it felt like it should be me saying the same thing to myself. I have checked out. A part of me wants to make that great escape while the other part doesn't. I have retreated and I have to fight and not let myself give up.

Again, I don't know how to do that. I listened to this song over and over again. Even after, I had arrived home again after my walk. I sat on my front porch, felt the wind hit my face and hair and tried to just soak it all in. A part of me still wants to fight. Now the goal is, is to not let the part of me is drowning win.

I will find it (hopefully sooner than later) and thanks to you all... with all of your love and support, I want to keep searching till I do.

I hope you all enjoy the song and it's message.
Much love and emoticon , Marisa










  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLVINBUTTERFLYS 2/10/2013 7:51PM

    Love the song!

I know the feeling, of the total struggle. I am doing the "fake it till you make it" it worked for me before, and I hope it works again. That and sinking all my extra time into reading, reading, reading blog on here. when I get tempted, I keep my mind busy by reading other who are motivated. It works for me.

Hanging in there girl, your doing great!

emoticon
Kat

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JUST-DUCKY 2/6/2013 12:37PM

    That song made me cry. You can do this. Keep plugging along. You're getting there. I promise.

emoticon

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NICOLERZ 2/5/2013 8:45PM

    I am in the same boat as you. I have been struggling for weeks. It's like I've given up. I keep saying I'm going to get back on track. But then I buy sweets and don't get on the treadmill. We CAN do this. No one said it would be easy. And it certainly isn't.

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SCZKCZ 2/4/2013 5:21PM

    I think you are incredible!!!! You describe some major choices in this blog that are good for you!!!! You chose to go for a walk, no chips, just one sandwich, etc. those are wonderful things that you did for yourself!!!!
One day at a time, one meal at a time if needed, one minute at a time.
I hope you continue to make these positive choices for yourself!

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ADARKARA 2/4/2013 10:35AM

    You can do this, sweetypants. It's not just your looks, it's your life. Start small. =)

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VALYNN26 2/4/2013 9:44AM

    Marisa,
Keep swimming. As long as you keep swimming you're not going to drown. Baby steps. 1 day at a time. Don't focus on how much you have to do, how far you have to go. 1 thing at a time. 1 day at a time. Set goals for yourself each day, something new. You are doing great. You're an amazing person. FIGHT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! emoticon emoticonGreat job on the walks!! Iam so proud of you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

*I don't feel like working out everyday & sometimes literally have to argue with myself to get up & do something. I have found that on those days is when I push the hardest.*

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GODIVADSG 2/4/2013 8:58AM

    What a great choice.. to get out and walk for you. And you had some real me time. Time to listen... you are so special. One second at a time. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WORLDSERIES11 2/4/2013 1:32AM

    Baby steps Marisa! Choose one thing at a time to change....don't overwhelm yourself with making numerous changes. There's no timetable to this, it takes as much or as little time as YOU need. emoticon emoticon

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_KATHY 2/4/2013 12:35AM

    Pink is amazing... I know you will find yourself soon Marisa. Commit to one thing a day. There is magic in making a commitment. Breath and know you will be OK

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MAVERICK59 2/3/2013 11:49PM

    Start with one change for this week.
Maybe-All foods you consume must be 'healthy' regardless of calories.

Maybe next week we work to maintain and not gain with these foods.

The following week we begin to tweak the foods to stay within allotted calorie limits to lose 1 pound a week.

You might design a different plan, but take it in small steps and be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you,
Belinda


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MYRTROSE 2/3/2013 11:34PM

    You start with baby steps.
Watching what you're eating, logging it, being conscious.
Do you remember when you first started SP? That's all that's asked of you the first week. That and maybe 10 mins of exercise 3 times a week.
You are doing it! It's always going to be a struggle, to some extent. We are addicts.
You are off to an amazing start!
Forget where you were or where you should be. Do what you need to do today, and when you can't do that, do it tomorrow.

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 2/3/2013 11:11PM

    I agree that you should do what you can do each day. It doesnt have to be all or nothing every day for the rest of your life for you to be successful. Going for a walk was a huge accomplishment. Give yourself a pat on the back. Today was Super Bowl and therefore a naturally difficult day to avoid temptation. Ultimately, you're going to have to want this For yourself Marisa. You CAN do it. You ARE worth it. It is not easy, but its a manageable hard. The best thing is you hold the reigns. No one else can keep you from succeeding of you want to.

Congratulations on checking in and holding yourself accountable. Food lust is so difficult to overcome. I had a really crappy day today. I didn't exercise. I ate way out of range and I didn't drink my water. Tomorrow I will do what I'm supposed to do. And the day after, etc. the routine gives me comfort and solace. It is the ONE thing I can control. (not the number on the scale, but what I eat and how active I am). I didn't make good choices today. But it will be ok.

You definitely made better choices than I did today. Getting away from the temptation and focusing on what's going on on the inside is a great tool. I need to remember that and try it.

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MS_ZENZI 2/3/2013 9:49PM

    I know you're discouraged, but taking a walk instead of snaking with your husband is major! I've never met a bag of chips that I could pass up, especially if everyone else is doing it.

I hope this week the eating and exercise feels easier! Good luck.



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LOOKN2FINDME 2/3/2013 8:51PM

  I love your blogs. They are not only heartfelt, but I feel as if you're putting my life and my thoughts into words! This is definitely something that takes a lot of work. It takes an enormous amount of self control. What you did with the chips is beyond awesome. I have been trying to gain that control over myself for over a year now.

Thank you for being so honest and forthcoming with your feelings. You may not realize it but you are helping so many others just by being you. Just knowing that I'm not alone in how my brain works and the struggles I face over food choices is a HUGE comfort. I look forward to continuing to progress with you over time. I know that we can get there Marisa!
Becky

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CHUBRUB3 2/3/2013 7:11PM

    You ARE doing it Marisa.
Just saying no to those chips -- you said yes to yourself.
Just getting up and going for a walk -- you said yes to yourself.
YOU keep doing this and YOU will succeed and YOU will triumph.
I believe in you. BELIEVE in yourself my friend.
Love and hugs
Angela


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FORBANDE 2/3/2013 7:10PM

    I know you feel as if you don't know what you are doing or how to get back into it but guess what? You are doing it. And doing it well. You are fighting the same battles everyone else is and you are winning. You may not feel as if you are doing as well as everyone else but who cares about them? This is about you and your battle. You are doing better today than yesterday and even the day before that. You have to do this at your pace in your way. And you are. Be proud of yourself and celebrate the HUGE victories you had today. I believe you are checked in more than you realize. :)

You are AMAZING! Keep your chin up and keep moving. You CAN and WILL do this!

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MARYBETH4884 2/3/2013 6:32PM

    Walking does it! Speed and distance will come but aren't necessarily needed. Moving at an speed does it. Rest and then do it again! Little changes make a big difference in the long run! emoticon

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SLACHETKA103145 2/3/2013 6:17PM

    I think that we at times all go through this. Just let your inner self shine through!

emoticon emoticon

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KTACKEBE 2/3/2013 6:14PM

    You can do it!! Baby steps is all it takes. Each tiny baby step adds to the last tiny babystep and all of a sudden you look up and realize that you've gone further than you ever thought you could...just keep taking those baby steps!!!

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