Wednesday, April 06, 2011
I am working on positivity. I am working on grabbing my balloon and soaring! www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
I need to keep find the positivity and finding my own strength.
Yesterday wound up being a really odd day. I was great in the early AM, then began developing anxiety. And then a fever. And then forgetfulness. It was really strange, but by the time I was headed to bed, I was trying to tell my hubby about the dishwasher (because he was being nice and doing the dishes for me) and I couldn't remember words, like dishwasher, place mat, frying pan. I could see them in my head, hear them, but I couldn't get them out. My brain seems to be working again this morning, but I'm still running a bit of a fever and feeling-- off. I don't feel sick-- just off.
Since I don't think I am sick-sick, I am going to try and keep going today. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The sun is shining, so after lunch, I am going to take the boy on a bike ride. We'll see how far we get this time. I'm going to raise the training wheels on the bike so he will have to work a little harder again-- but, he's really getting the hang of it, and he really likes it! I may have to get myself a bike before the end of the summer at this rate! Which is a great thing! I love the idea of having an activity that J and I can do together!
I did start my morning in tears as little man was drawing he drew a "map" that he said went to Izzy's house. He asked, "when can we go to M and Izzy's house? We haven't been there in a LONG time." I just burst into tears. I can't help it. I miss my friend. And it breaks my heart that I can't do anything about it and that J is missing his friend so much too! But, I heard through the grapevine that their move is scheduled for mid-May, so I told J that Izzy's daddy got a new job and they are moving soon. And that is why we can't go see them. Not exactly a lie-- but not exactly the truth either. I just wish I still had M's friendship. It would make this really hard time easier.... having someone IRL to talk to. But, then again, M had a habit of turning every crisis into something about her, so maybe she wouldn't have been much of a help anyway.
I am really looking forward to the last weekend in April. I am going on a women's retreat and I am really hoping that I can make some better connections that way. I need to make friends IRL.
Here is to looking forward, instead of back. To pushing through. To climbing our mountains. To challenging the status quo. And breaking through walls. (Kool-aid man style!)
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
but, I am feeling much better today. Better than I have felt in a several weeks. I started my back on my antidepressant yesterday. It takes about 10 days to be at a theraputic level, so I know right now, what I am feeling is all psychosomatic-- but just knowing that the light of the tunnel isn't an on-coming train is so uplifting.
I ate some yogurt for dessert last night. Which means, I didn't do a complete sugar fast. I realized this only after I had started eating it. I think its okay though... I used less than a tsp of brown sugar. (My husband grew up with homemade plain yogurt that they would then top with brown sugar. Stir it in... and yummers!!! I love this. I don't eat it at my MILs house because she uses full fat everything, but I do buy plain non-fat yogurt and do it on my own!)
I perhaps did something a little foolish yesterday. I weighed myself. For the first time in God only knows how long. As I was convincing myself that this was a good idea-- I said to myself, "I know I've been lying to myself. I'm not 130 anymore. I'm probably more like 138." Can you guess what I weighed? 138.0 On the nose! Which means, I'm somewhere like where I want to be with my weight in 5 months... if I am pregnant RIGHT NOW. So, since the fact is quite unlikely that I am pregnant RIGHT NOW... I am going to take this weight and kick its arse. I've gone up. I know I can maintain, without that much difficulty, 130-133. That's the range I've set for myself. Enough already with the 127 goal weight. It's 3 pounds to low. Who cares if it gives me a BMI of 20 on the nose (which makes me feel younger some how... like my BMI effects my age?)
Little Man came running into our room and crawled into bed for a snuggle this morning. It was before he is normally allowed to get up. But, I didn't realize this, as I was still sound asleep (thanks to benadryl-- allergy season is upon us!). My hubby was trying to send him back to his room, but I wanted the snuggle. So, I said it was fine. Turned out, I was right. After a few minutes, hubs and Little Man got up. And Little Man told the hubs that the reason he wanted a snuggle was he had a bad dream. Where his lovey Momma was all gone and a big bad mean momma was in her place. Oh, I am so glad I let him come in for a snuggle. I love my Little Man so very much. He makes my heart happy.
We had a lovely 80 degree day yesterday. So, playground with a friend... and then Home Depot... and then finishing up the spring planting in our garden. All the early spring things are planted. Peas are already pushing their heads up. Kale and lettuce will be soon and I put in my spring beans and spring onions as well. I am excited. It then stormed like mad and is storming now. And rain is coming for days on end. I am quite glad I got the planting done!
Peace and Blessings my lovelies!
Monday, April 04, 2011
And I don't mean in a good way.
Oh, parts of it were lovely. In fact most of it was lovely. Beautiful weather, a good long run in on Saturday, playing games with friends on Saturday night, a good little nap on Sunday afternoon, and small group on Sunday night. Busy, beautiful, fun.
I feel gross. I feel like a complete and total failure.
The games we played on Saturday were at a game night that had about 50 people there, who all contributed snacks. I felt "thanksgiving full" and yet I kept eating. It was a total failure of self restraint. It was really really really really really bad. I felt gross on Sunday morning.
Yesterday, we had our small group pot luck. We were "subbing" which meant we needed to bring both bread AND dessert. I wound up at the store an hour before small group started, staring at pastries and store made cakes... and then at ice cream. I wound up buying ice cream and stuff for Sundaes. I was still full from Saturday, actually. I ate anyway. I took seconds. I ate a big old sundae. We wound up bringing home the remants of 3 tubs of ice cream. And half a loaf of really good bread. So, I ate another slice of bread and half cup of ice cream when we got home.
I have half a cake left over from what I took to game night. I have sugar temptations stuffed in my freezer! It's going to be a challenging week!
I can only hope that you have decerned that I am struggling with a depressive episode, but since we are trying to have a baby, I can't take any of my medication. (However, I am considering making an appt with my doctor to see if there is anything I can do to help--) I've had to reschedule my therapy appt, so, we will be at like 6 weeks between appts right now. YA! for not having money or child care to get those things taken care of.
So, I am a little weepy today. I feel GROSS! My stomach feels distended and sore. My heart is achy. I'm seeping tears for no apparent reason.
BUT, it's supposed to be 80 degrees today. So, we are going to go to a playground and get the freak out of the house, enjoy some sun, and soak up some Vit. D! I may even see if my shorts from last year still fit.
And, I am going to move all the ice cream to the back of the freezer (out of sight? I hope!). And I am going on a sugar fast. I will probably have a dessert (leftover cake and ice cream) if my in laws come over for dinner this week. If they don't, I will take the left overs to church on Sunday and serve them as part of the meal I am putting together. (Yeah, I am making a meal for 70 or so on Sunday...I just love congregational meetings! Yep, I make the whole dang thing-- this time I am planning a sandwich meal though... so deli plates, hummus, pita, sandwich thins, that kind of thing...)
And I am going to continue journaling my food... and be serious about it. I feel like I'm a food failure after this. I am worried that I won't be able to get a grip. And then I am going to end up huge again.
There is a little bit of a bright side to the weekend binging though... I didn't purge. Oh, I thought about it, quite a bit. But I didn't do it. So... I suppose that I will take that as a good thing and take that small victory, and try and turn it into a week of victory.
So, sugar fast.
Lots of freggies so I don't feel deprived.
And 6 days of exercise.
(I did another day of lower body ST on Saturday too!!! 3 whole days last week! That's like a new record for me!!! Time to roll that over into this week too!)
I've spent a little time this morning researching and it seems that my antidepressant is safe during the first trimester of pregnancy at the very least. If not the whole time. So, I am going to start it back up today. It's been a while, so it will take a few weeks for it to really start to kick in... but I think I need the help.
A Mayo Clinic report says this about my antidepressant:
"Risks: No established risks during pregnancy
Recommendations: Consider as an option during pregnancy"
Dang... I'm on this thing again!
Friday, April 01, 2011
So the apartment complex unexpectedly closed their office mid day yesterday, so we didn't see the apartment. hmmm... I'm baby sitting today, so I can't give it another go today. We'll see about maybe over the weekend.
We have a game night tomorrow night and I am pretty excited about that. It does mean lots of snacks and temptations... but, I am going to be happy about going and getting out. The youth group at the church are providing child care for two of the four hours of game night so that we can play sans boy for a couple of games. It will be fun.
We all know that March was a pretty crappy month for me. But, I am being true to my promise to myself and am posting pics of my "progress" for the month. (HA! Apparently I wore this exact same outfit for my first pics!)
April 1, 2011
March 1, 2011
April 1, 2011
IF there is any progress, I don't see it... but that's kind of okay. With as plain terrible as March was, to stay similar is kind of okay. Hopefully, April to May pics will show more progress... And I'll try and wear a different sports bra!
Baby sitting today, so I better get a move on and pay a little more attention to the kiddos!!! My little man can play on the computer for a few minutes, but E is too young to really self entertain!
Hugs and Happy April Fools Day all!!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Kristen (4EVERADONEGIRL) raised a question for me not that long ago... are my struggles related to living in a place where I really don't want to be? Living in a place where I don't feel community?
This prompted me to start looking for new jobs for my hubby in the community that we WANT to live in. And what I have discovered is this-- THERE AREN'T ANY. There are no jobs where we want to live.
We moved to this house because I was sick of living in a noisy apartment. I was tired of hearing people in the laundry room all day and all night. Of smelling the smoke of the inconsiderate people who smoke in public parts of apartment complexes. (I struggle with quitting smoking, so I have some sympathy, but it's something you don't do-- if you are a smoker, you should do it outside. Period. I don't think I have smoked inside a building--pretty much ever.)
But, this house isn't all it was cracked up to be. Our yard is lumpy and the kiddo can't really play in it. We get a ton of mosquitoes all summer and it means we can't enjoy the deck. The ground isn't really great for gardening and there are too many trees in the backyard, so we don't get the sun for it anyway. The house is drafty and extremely energy inefficient. It's in a lousy school district.
I had started the search for a new place in December. Back then, I thought, "Okay, lets try and find an apartment... in a better school district. And closer to the hubby's work..." That kind of thing. Then, we couldn't find anything. We put our names on some waiting lists, but hadn't heard anything in months.
Tuesday night... my hubs and I sit down and talk. We make a decision. Okay. We don't love this place, but we've got a year until J goes to kindergarten. We can't afford private school and public isn't an option here. So... let's keep looking for work in Kansas. And then, if we haven't found something by December, we start seriously hunting for an apartment or house in Columbia (a near by town with much better schools!)
I mean... we made a decision!
One I was at peace with.
Yesterday... I get a phone call. The one apartment that I was really interested in... has an opening. In the floor plan that we wanted. Starting in May.
It's in Columbia. It's in a better school district. It's much closer to the hubby's office-- but he's a consultant and spends a lot of time on the road... so... who knows if that is going to make a difference. Oy! Now, I don't know what to do.
We are going to go look at the place today and see...
But, really... I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live in MD. I want to go home. To Kansas. I know, I'm weird. But, I love Kansas and I want to go home. But, there isn't work. And we're not at the stage where we can just move because we want to anymore... and hope that jobs come after we get there. We have to find the jobs first... and then move...
What to do, what to do....
Maybe the apartment will be crap. And our decision will be made...
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