Monday, July 07, 2014
You ever have one of those days where you just feel like writing? I think I should write things down more often because I am definitely the "bottle up your feelings" type. There isn't anything really note worthy going on right now, but I figured it couldn't hurt to take some time to write.
I was slightly disappointed with my weigh in the morning, although I wasn't all that surprised with the outcome. Didn't quite lose an entire pound this past week, but did lose some. I wasn't too down about it because I really didn't feel like I put in the effort needed to lose an entire pound or more in a week, so I was slightly surprised that my weight had gone down at all.
We had our annual Blues Festival in our city this past weekend. Saturday I didn't do too badly food wise, just a pretzel, a ginger cookie, a hot chocolate and a lemonade. Yesterday was a bit of a different story. I kind of caved I guess. When I first got to our booth (I was working/helping out at the event for the radio station I work for) I saw a fellow co-worker eating gnocchi from a great local Italian hall. I tried to wait out the caving for as long as I could, but I caved and got some for myself. I also caved and got a pop/soda, AND then I caved and got 2 cookies and a lemonade...but that was it. I did learn a lesson when I was going to sleep though...I had quite the stomach ache.
I have been going for a 20 minute morning walk pretty consistently this past week. I slept in kind of late today, but still made sure I went for my walk before I had breakfast/brunch. I recently bought a new pedometre. I haven't had one for a few years. Since it's been a while since I had one, I set a goal for 8,000 steps a day, so I'll have to see how that goes, and make an effort to make sure that I am getting my steps in. Once I've done that for a while, I am definitely going to aim for more steps.
Still slightly beating myself up over not being where I want to be weight wise before summer finally came to town. I'm doing my best not to dwell on it though and am trying to have a healthy happy summer anyway. I'm still going to the gym at least twice a week and would like to get there even more.
I guess that's it for now. I hope to write a little more consistently, especially when days don't go the way I want them too so that I can have proper support to get me back on my feet and fighting the good and healthy fight.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
So, here's what happened. I started out the year great, and was even down 10 lbs within 2 months. Not quite sure what happened as soon as March hit, but all I know is that things started to go downhill, and I felt like I was sort of losing control. This past month has been filled with binges, restarts, lots of movie watching, more binges, oh yea, and more restarts. I was going to use April 1st as my most recent "restart" date, but decided against it. Not only do I think it's kind of cliche to start over on the 1st of anything, it was also April Fools day, and my weight loss and health goals are NO joke.
I don't know how it happened, but at 10:45pm last night, I found myself eating a whole small pizza to myself...and it wasn't even remotely healthy. Just double cheese, that's all I like. Don't get me wrong...it was totally delicious and really hit the spot, but I realized that I need to stop doing this. I need to have better control over my portions. I don't ever want to eat an entire pizza to myself again. I can't say that I will never have pizza again, but who says that the pizza has to be the whole meal? Why not a slice or 2 with a side salad...that sounds like a better option. I guess I just like to go big or go home. Was anyone around when I ate this pizza? Of course not....who wants to eat a whole pizza in front of someone. This is what my BF likes to call "secret pizza", because that's exactly what it is. It's a secret that only I know about. I used to have a real problem with this...getting pizza up to 2 times a week. I don't want to have "secret pizza" anymore, and I don't want to lie about what I had for dinner anymore either.
I've recently started listening to Jillian Michael's "Slim For Life" in audio book form in my car. Some things she's saying are really hitting home and opening my eyes. What I have come to realize is that not only am I kinda, sorta immature in my everyday life, but I am immature when it comes to the food I eat. What do I go for when I am shopping for a binge? Sugary kids cereal, KD, candy and all that good stuff. Growing up, I probably got most of the food I wanted. Even in high school and college...if I wanted something, I didn't think twice before I ate it. I've indulged my entire life, and I don't plan on completely stopping, because that would be unrealistic, but my indulgences need to be more calculated, and almost planned. I need to GROW UP. I'm not a little kid anymore, and am almost in my 30's. The things I said in my younger days that I'd "worry about when I was older", are here...they are things I now need to worry about.
I think my maturity is gaining in other aspects of my life too, and I'm happy for the changes. So today is my restart (more than likely not my last either). I'm proud of how today has gone so far and figured it would probably be a good idea to come clean to someone other than myself. I'm not looking for perfection, and I'm not looking for a quick fix. I am more loving towards myself and am more thankful than I have been in a long time for all that my body does for me. I could say "I wish I had these ah-ha moments sooner", but you know what, I won't. I obviously wasn't ready for these kinds of revelations until just now. Hopefully they will aid in my never ending quest to be the best me I can be.
Here's to more eye openings and success...
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Figured I should post something since I haven't done a blog entry in a while. This last week has been pretty awesome actually. Monday was a little rough, but I've been tracking and staying accountable since Tuesday. I've been under 2,000 calories every day, and got over 30 mins of cardio Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Took a break last night, but am planning on hitting the gym tonight again. I'm feeling much better emotionally too. I was having quite the rough patch of self hatred last week. I'm going to Cuba in just over a week, and really wanted to be a lot fitter before I left. But I'm human, I struggled, and I think I put too much pressure on myself to lose weight. I think I've accepted that not many changes in my body will happen in the next week, but I can stay on track and do my best to eat as healthy as I can to at least give myself a bit of an accomplishment before I go. I'm pretty bad for playing the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" game. Of course there are quite a few things that I should have done and could have done and would have done, if only I....
I'm focusing on not living in the past and forgiving myself for the mistakes I might have made in the past. I just have to keep going, and learn to love myself as I am no matter what. So what if I'm worse off and heavier than I was at the beginning of the year. So what if there were times when it seemed like I didn't make one healthy choice for an entire week or more. SO WHAT! It's in the past, I can't change what I've done, so I need to move on and do my best to stop this vicious cycle in it's track. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and I'm tired of bullying and beating myself up about EVERYTHING. I am proud of myself and how well I've done the last few days. I feel it's a great start to a great streak of health for me.
Now I am planning/expecting there to be a bit of a hard time getting back on track when I get home from my trip, but I am going to do my best to get right back on the health wagon as soon as my feet touch Canadian soil again. Not that I'm going to go CRAZY while I'm away, but I know there will be A LOT more alcohol consumed than what I'm used to, and some meals will be out of my control. I'm going to make the best of the situation, enjoy the beach, and enjoy a stress free week of relaxation, good friends, and a MUCH deserved vacation.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Dear Fast Food,
I know that we've been together for a long time, but it's time for me to move on and leave you in the past. You know who you are...my favourite pizza places, my favourite burger and fry places, and my favourite Tex-Mex food places.
I enjoyed you while we were together, but I'm not going to feel sick because of you anymore. There are SO many better things that I can eat that will actually aid in my quest to lead a healthy and active life, and I don't need you slowing me down anymore.
I may miss you, or even crave you at some point in the future, but instead of giving in and taking backwards steps in my journey, I'm going to turn to my Spark Friends and especially my new Accountability Buddy to help me realize that you are not that answer, and that there are other ways to handle cravings.
I know the last time that I had a meal at each one of you, and I can't wait until the day that I can say an entire year has passed since I indulged in your food. Each day, week and month that passes will give me the strength to keep you out of my life, because let's face it, you're no good for me.
Now if for some reason I find myself walking through your doors in the DISTANT future, my "regular" meals won't be the option I choose. I will make the best of the situation and get the healthiest thing I can!
You're probably saying "Oh, come one, we've heard this all before", but I'm stronger than you think now, and I'm determined to succeed.
So again, thanks for the fun and definitely delicious times, by my waist line, and my wallet don't want anything to do with you anymore...No hard feelings ok?
Monday, July 08, 2013
Where to start....I'm not really sure. I've been struggling pretty badly both internally and externally over the last few months. I really wanted to be in better shape by the time summer rolled around, but surprise, surprise...I'm not...I'm actually a bit worse off to tell you the truth. I've ballooned back up to 229lbs. I had gotten down to 213lbs in April, and then I'm not all that sure what happened. It's like I panicked, and then did what I do best and sabotage myself. I've lived a good 27, almost 28 years of indulgence, so I think I understand why I do some of the things I do, but it is crazy frustrating to keep playing these games. I'm not sure why I'm having such trouble with control and will power I guess when it comes to food. I'll tell you one thing though, I am definitely done with starting over.
I've made myself this chart to look at with some events that are coming up over the next few months, and what my predicted weight would be if I lost just 1lb a week. That's it! That's all I'm asking of myself - to lose 1lb a week. Now the purpose of this chart is to challenge myself. I am really hoping I'll do better than 1lb a week and get that extra push when I see how much better I'm doing compared to where I predicted my weight would be. I've also included my predicted weight loss percentage, and predicted BMI as added boosters. I've never tried this approach before, so I'm going to see how that goes. I've also purchased a really nice face scrub that I've given to a friend to hold onto. If I want it, I have to earn it. She'll give it back to me once I've lost 10lbs. I've also never tried this approach before.
I know I just have to take things one day at a time, one meal at a time and one victory at a time. My first weigh in since my July Restart is tomorrow, and it's been a bit of a rocky week, so I'm really not sure what the outcome will be.
The thing about me is that I guess I don't look as heavy as I am. Why, just the other day a friend of mine texted me "What size are you now skinny mini?" I replied "Still 16 ", to which she replied "What?! You look smaller than 16." Call it a blessing if you will, but even I look at myself sometimes and wonder where the heck all that weight is hiding. I'm by no means skinny, or slim or toned, but I guess there is more muscle to me than I realize. It still doesn't make me feel any better about myself though.
I feel kind of bad for my boyfriend because I've been having such a low opinion of myself lately. He always tells me how pretty I am and how much he loves me. I'm really lucky to have such a great guy. I'm sure this is just a funk I am caught in, but I sure hope I get out of it soon for both our sakes.
Well I guess that's it for now. Good luck to me!
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