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Struggling with emotion tonight..

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I made it back to the house today. Funny, I would normally have said: "home." But it doesn't feel like a home anymore. And of course to welcome me was the stressor in my life. This time via another phone call. Why do I take the calls you ask? The answer is to avoid an unwelcome visit. If I don't answer the phone calls, thats what happens.
I am so weary of the stress this entire thing involves. Please pray for me that God will give me the strength to see this through. I know I need to just take a deep breath and pray, but I have to tell you sometimes it just gets so heavy and its hard to take it sometimes without just blowing my top. And of course, the first thing I wanted to do (and still do) is EAT. Something delectable.......something forbidden. (I don't even have anything like that in the house). HOWEVER, I know me and my ability to create something in about 30 min with a spatula and a mixing bowl lol. I don't want to do that.......what good would it do? I haven't ate enough today and that doesn't help. I haven't consumed enough water, again that does NOT help. Since I didn't get back here til late in the day, there's nothing really for dinner. So, I just fixed some scrambled eggs and toast. I still need some veggies and fruits. Uggh... this feels so heavy right now. I don't know why he feels the need to make me feel like I am nothing and therefore I deserve nothing. emoticon
I decided to write this blog tonight, because normally I just try to handle all of these feelings by myself. I have always done that, and through the years my friends and family have perceived me as being so strong, when in truth, at times like this I do not feel very strong at all. I miss my mom so much. She was the one I could cry to and she would hug me tight and tell me it was going to be ok. I miss that so much right now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSLADYBUG3 3/28/2013 11:44PM

    Sending prayers and hugs your way. May the Lord comfort you in your time of need.

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MESEATURTLE 3/25/2013 12:07AM

    loads of love and loads of hugs.........

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CBLENS 3/24/2013 4:06PM

    try to keep your chin up and hope for brighter days.

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PEGGYO 3/24/2013 12:12PM

    emoticon

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GAILANN48 3/24/2013 8:53AM

    Everything IS going to be okay, Mellie. Whatever the reasons for all this, He is still in control, and He knows what He's doing. You're in His hand, even if you can't feel it. You already know that, but in the dark places it's sometimes hard to remember. I'm sorry your Mom is on the other side - mine too - but others who care for you are right here.

Everything is going to be okay.
emoticon Gail

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AVANELL 3/24/2013 8:34AM

    Mellie, you are worth taking care of. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and the only way that can change is if you allow the person who is trying to change that affect what you know is right and true. Set your boundaries so he cannot cross over them. Get an answering machine and let it take your calls. If he comes over don't answer the door. When you must talk with him refer him to your attorney and let the attorney listen to his ranting. You deserve to have peace in your life but you will have to enforce it. The devil comes only to steal, kill and destroy and he often uses people to accomplish that. Stand firm, resisting him in the faith by submitting yourself to God and taking authority over the enemy.

Praying for you, my friend! This, too, shall pass....even though it seems like it has come to stay!

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BEEJAY49 3/24/2013 5:57AM

    You are in my prayers. You are something so don't let anyone make you feel like you're not! If I was there I would give you that big hug and tell you everything will be okay. I agree that you should get an answering machine and also, that knock on the door can go unanswered. That's the beauty of the door you don't have to open it. :) We're here for you! Love you! HUGS!

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EDITOR 3/24/2013 2:02AM

    So sorry, Mellie. May the morning bring with it the beauty of Son Shine and stability once more. You are in my prayers.

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BECKYSFRIEND 3/23/2013 10:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

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TEXASLYNN 3/23/2013 9:12PM

    I'm so sorry. If you haven't applied for a restraining order, do it Monday! Unplug your phone or let the answering machine take all the calls and turn the volume so low you can't hear them, then dump them. Get an unlisted number. Take the time to go to the store and buy some simple meals to prepare so you can eat right and not have to worry about cooking anything. Take care of yourself, protect yourself, love yourself.

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STONECOT 3/23/2013 8:44PM

    Try not to worry. You have to do the best you can, with what you're given. If God is your strength then lean on that. Be easy on yourself, it is simple to follow the rules, when life is easy, but when life is stressful, we have to cope as best we can, acknowledging that we could have done better perhaps, but, it's supposed to be a life, not a life sentence.

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WALDEN9 3/23/2013 8:30PM

  as for your phone calls I would get an answering machine and screen your calls. do not allow a phone call to ruin your life. I would ask God for strength to see you through whatever you are going through. if you do not anyone to come over and they come over, just tell them you are not feeling well and you do not want company and you will get back to them when you do. it is your house and your rules. as for the eating, I would have a light meal and relax for the rest of the day and the heck with the rest of the world. it is time to get your life in control and do not let others control you.in order to feel better, you might want to either start a regular journal or a prayer journal and maybe that will make you feel better. and just to let you know; you are something and deserve plenty. you are a child of Christ and that is a lot. and you deserve respect. emoticon

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MARIANNE9855 3/23/2013 8:21PM

    you are wonderful and are doing such a great job despite all this drama- blog all you want about it- after you are human.
He is toxic for you but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and exhaust you- half the time we get so down, its because we are really angry and we have no way to express it.

I say eat some more eggs if you want- forget about the veggies and fruit tonight and tomorrow if you can afford it go buy yourself something nice- new music, lotion and soft blanket - what ever will help you feel better- maybe a potted plant for Easter. Or go to library and borrow some cds or dvds- whatever will make you happy and able to recharge. emoticon emoticon

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BEATRIMSOON 3/23/2013 8:05PM

    I lost my mother this week. I have been away from home and stress eating almost the whole time. I am faced with all kinds of food gifts from friends and family. I have given in and eaten all kinds of stuff. I have even eaten stuff I'm allergic to!! Why? the stress of my mother's sudden death, and all the stuff around the funeral and helping my dad. I know exactly how you feel, I miss my mom so much. It feels like life will never feel normal again.

You know what our mom's would tell us? No matter how dark it looks right now, look up, better days are ahead. Hold steady, stay the course, you have greatness within you. You can succeed. Never give up!

Comment edited on: 3/23/2013 8:06:55 PM

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Feeling fine

Friday, March 22, 2013

Two days post op and I am feeling fine. I will probably return home tomorrow. Seems odd to think that home won't be my home much longer. After the divorce is final, I hope to move. Its been a rough year in the house, surrounded by memories. The thought of leaving there at first was almost unbearable, now the thought of staying there is unbearable.
I am still working my program well, but its definitely more difficult away from my own kitchen and pantry.
Only a little over 1 week left in March. I still have a few things to finish on my goals. I have made progress though and I will post goals for April as well. It has helped me remain focused and accountable.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUPER_ACE115 3/24/2013 12:31AM

    You are in my prayers.

When my ex first left, I hated the idea of living in the same house, but couldn't afford to move. I ended up making a lot of changes in the house ~~ getting rid of a lot of stuff, rearranging rooms, etc. It has really helped me out.


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AVANELL 3/23/2013 10:32AM

    When we begin to look forward to moving on in life is when we know that we are making progress with dealing with our loss and in knowing that God has a better tomorrow in store for us. I remember when my husband died and I was grieving over his loss. One day I went to the cemetery and at his grave-site of course I was crying and I always said to him when I left, "Larry, I wish you were here". When I got back in my car that day and started it up the radio was playing a song about "don't cry for me I'm running on streets of gold worshiping my creator" and at the end of the song it said, "wish you were here". God used that song to propel me forward, out of my grief and into the future that He had waiting for me. I realized that Larry wouldn't want to come back even if he could and for me to wish he were there would mean that I would be asking him to give up his healing that he received when he reached heaven and to give up the wonderful life he was experiencing with the Lord in heaven. That would be selfish of me just to satisfy my longing for his companionship. God jolted me back to reality and gave me hope for a better life ahead of me while I wait on earth until the day that He calls me home. Since then God has blessed me with a wonderful husband whom I love dearly and cherish with all my heart. Even though I was devastated by the loss of my husband God gave me another chance at happiness. He will do the same for you, Mellie. Look forward to your future with great expectation of good because that's what God has in store for you!

God bless!

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GCHUNG 3/23/2013 9:51AM

    Good idea to set short term goals. It makes it easier to stay focused.

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BEEJAY49 3/23/2013 4:30AM

    I'm glad you are feeling better now. :) Moving is hard, but I know you will welcome the new changes in your life. :) Love you! HUGS!

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EDITOR 3/23/2013 2:58AM

    I wanted to thank you for the goodie, Mellie. I want to thank the Lord for your health and your testimony how He is sustaining you through the past year of your life. Thank You Father, for You are strong in Mellie's behalf. Keep her spirits up and her eyes fixed upon Your glorious Love, made possible through Christ Jesus. Amen

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GAILANN48 3/22/2013 11:58PM

    You're doing wonderfully - so much changing in your life, and you're standing strong. It'll only get better...

emoticon Gail

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MARIANNE9855 3/22/2013 10:55PM

    So glad you are feeling good. Glad you are feeling better about needing to move to a new place. It could be just what you need to continue with your new healthy life. emoticon emoticon

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All is well..

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I wanted to let everyone know that I did fine yesterday. The procedure was a success and without any complications. I won't know the full results for a couple of weeks.
Thanks so much everyone for your prayers yesterday. I appreciate it so much.
It seemed odd not tracking my food yesterday .. so I am ready to get back on the fitness wagon lol. I wasn't very hungry yesterday when I was finally able to eat something. Daughter bought me a sandwich from Subway (lean) and I had that for my dinner and some yogurt later. Gotta tell ya though.. the tummy is already growling this morning. My oatmeal is calling my name.
I hope everyone had a wonderful first day of spring.. it was beautiful here but the wind was COLD.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBLENS 3/21/2013 2:24PM

    So glad to hear all went well!

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MARIANNE9855 3/21/2013 12:00PM

    so happy you got through the day and are back to your healthy routine! emoticon

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PEGGYO 3/21/2013 11:08AM

    Glad everything was a success. You're in my prayers for the results.

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AVANELL 3/21/2013 9:02AM

    So glad to hear that all went well for you yesterday, Mellie! Now I look forward to hearing a good report from your procedure as I am continuing to believe that all is well with you! May God speed your healing process and give you a good report!

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GAILANN48 3/21/2013 8:52AM

    So glad to hear that it all went well, Mellie. Hope you take it easy for a while and let yourself heal and recover. Happy oat-mealing! :)

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GCHUNG 3/21/2013 8:16AM

    Great news!!!

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EDITOR 3/21/2013 6:09AM

    So much appreciate this early morning--give me joy---post, Mellie! May your recovery be excellent and your expectations exceed what we could possibly conceive!

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Dealing with the jitters..

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I made it to my daughter's today. She's working, so I am on my own tonight. I am trying to not be afraid.. and really I know there's not much reason for concern about tomorrow, but, truth is, I am a little afraid. I brought some crocheting to work on, maybe that will help with the jitters.
I just realized how many times I have said, "I just want to get this behind me." over the last year. Amazing. I still do though, lol. I just wake up every day thinking, "How much longer?" Hopefully this is just one more step closer to my new, happier life. emoticon
I would like to thank each and every one of you who have been praying for me and would like to ask that you remember me again tomorrow. Thank you for your comments on my earlier blog, Gailann, Editor, and Avanell. I appreciate you and will post something after my procedure, and as soon as I am able. It really helps knowing I have people lifting me up in prayer. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4DOGNIGHT 3/21/2013 10:29AM

    Good luck to you!

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AVANELL 3/20/2013 12:31PM

    I have been praying for you today, Mellie! God is right there with you. He will see you through this and we are here to support you and pray for you!

emoticon

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CHRIMSONFYRE 3/20/2013 11:47AM

    We will keep the prayers coming your way

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BEEJAY49 3/20/2013 4:27AM

    I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. Hang in there, I'm praying. HUGS!

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MARIANNE9855 3/19/2013 8:24PM

    Hope everything goes smoothly emoticon

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CBLENS 3/19/2013 8:20PM

    Will be thinking of you. emoticon

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EDITOR 3/19/2013 8:01PM

    Will remain steadfast in prayer and look for your next post. God bless!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 3/19/2013 7:39PM

    emoticon

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Gearing up for tomorrow

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Started the week off running yesterday. I still have lots to do before tomorrow's procedure. Why does it always seem like it takes forever for something like this to get here UNTIL the day before? LOL
Oh well... I had better get started.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEEJAY49 3/20/2013 4:26AM

    You are in my prayers. HUGS!

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AVANELL 3/19/2013 7:04PM

    Praying for you, Mellie!

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EDITOR 3/19/2013 10:24AM

    I have it on my calender, Mellie, and be prepared for wait. I will be in prayer.

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GAILANN48 3/19/2013 8:49AM

    You'll get done the things that truly need doing, and the rest can wait. :) I'll be thinking of you and sending prayer, my friend - both today and tomorrow.

emoticon Gail

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