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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Well, I think that I've recovered from yesterday. I had a really bad day and instead of talking about today (which was nice & normal) I'm going to talk about yesterday. I was totally stressed about having all these people in my house! The Rogers technician was coming, and Julie, Jason, Aaron & Marta were coming to bring Jason's stuff for me to store (in his old bedroom). Well, aside from never knowing if & when my phone & internet were going to work, I was really upset about having all these people in & out. Don't ask me why - I KNOW it sounds really weird & really wimpy! But, the fact is - it stresses me. I don't seem to be able to overcome this particular stress. Maybe if someone came in & out everyday I'd get used to it - but I doubt it. I think I'd just crawl under a rock somewhere to be alone. I'm not a hermit or anything - and I really like and respect people - I just don't want them in my "safe place". Didn't really know I had one, until people started invading it LOL! I'd like to know why I feel this way. I guess I was always a little uncomfortable with company that I didn't plan myself. I like it when I decide to invite them - I have a lot of fun entertaining, but it seems that it has to be my decision. I remember my parents having TONS of company when I was growing up and I LOVED it! I always helped my Mom with everything and enjoyed socializing. But, there again, it was planned. I can't pinpoint a time that I started thinking of my place as "safe". it just sort of evolved I guess. It reminds me that I'm not like everyone else. Like Julie said, there's a reason I'm not working (OMG, I can't even imagine the stress of being at a job everyday!) I know I couldn't do it - all those people, deadlines, criticisms, gossip... I know there's also the upside - the friends, laughter, comraderie, feelings of accomplishment and praise. I'm weird, for sure. Working sounds like fun - I did work, and I did love parts of it. But now, I don't even feel good about having people in my place. I wonder what happened. I need to find out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AJANDREWS1999 7/30/2007 10:44PM

    you do work...i'm pretty sure when we had to fill in our tax papers my dear hubby listed me as a "domestic engineer!" i thought it had a nice ring and somedays i feel like being a stay at home mom should require a degree don't you? i know exactly how you feel i'm not usually good with unexpected company. i'm always worried if my house is clean enough or if i have enough to eat for them or if i'm presentable. i like my life orderly...my order!!! it just how some of us are..i'm there with you. i hope you feel better. julie said you took a fall. i hope you are feeling better. oh you might want to eat the peas after they thaw!! julie said you were using them to keep the swelling down.

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CELEST 7/8/2007 3:08PM

    Well like you I am a housewife, homemaker or whatever else they like to call it. I have however worked secularly too. You just do deal with all those things you mentioned, its like having a sick child, or an elderly parent you're dealing with....you just do.
Housewife is the lowest paying job I've ever done, with no medical aid, pension scheme, official leave, sick leave.......but I wouldn't trade it for any secular employment with all its remunerations. I love doing things for my husband and family, even his work when hes out the country.
I love the way you write, it seems to come from your mind, straight onto the page.
Be good, keep working, and see you in the "look who's reached goal" section.

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GUGIE76 6/13/2007 12:53AM

    oh - my heart goes out to you - you're not "wimpy" and i wish with all my heart that you could only see and believ that - it was an overwhelming day in so many ways!!! holy cow - and i'm so glad that today was better - yesterday felt like 3 days and today just slipped by - lol - i guess that was a good sign - i don't know what to say - i wish i had some sort of insite to share that could help you understand what i see and how view it - perhaps if i can get a handle on how to explain that i could help you - but i guess i'll have to figure it out - i want so badly for you to like yourself and be proud of yourself and the hard work it's taken to get back to the amazing place you are - 10 years ago i was simply prayin that would happen - and here you are = the strongest person i know...i love you with all my heart!

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Well, I'm glad I like exercising because the TV right now is AWFUL! Everything is either reruns or not worth watching! And worst of all, I don't even have a good book to read - lots of lousy ones, but no good ones - YIKES! I hate being without a book! Today I had my heart tests - actually I've still got the Holter monitor on - until tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. After the tests, Julie, Mom & I went to Walmart. After we dropped Mom off (which is so much more than it sounds LOL!) I went to the gym to try and get my heart to flutter...it did, thank goodness! Now, it's recorded and they can tell me not to worry about it, to keep on doing what I'm doing! They said that if everything's O.K. with all the tests, my doctor would get the results in about 10 days. If I hear from her before that, it's bad news. Nice way to put it, eh LMGO! Well, I think I'll disconnect my phone for the next couple of weeks LOL! I'm really not worried...it's just that you think about things and...well, my Dad's first heart attack was when he was 55. He seemed kind of old to me at the time. I wonder if my kids see me the way I saw him age-wise. Well, I'm erally tired. Sleep well everyone and cross your fingers that I win 6/49 tonight!

  


Sunday, June 03, 2007

Today was the family reunion and I had a blast!!! Mom didn't come, and it was good, because it did rain, both at the party and (HARD!) on the way home. It would have freaked her out. I was so touched that they waited for us to do the ceremonial cake and tea! They didn't get my e-mail that Mom wasn't coming, so they had a parking spot for us in the driveway with Mom's name on it! Everyone was so nice - all of us on our best behaviour! I had 3 people tell me that I looked great (Janet, Joanne & Scott) and I think they really meant it! That made me so happy. I guess I really wanted someone to notice, but I don't think my loss is noticeable yet, so I didn't expect it. The (mainly) 2 generations are getting to know each other a lot better now, so things clicked much better than last year. As expected, the food was great. For me, Julie's cheesecake was a lifesaver because I was really in the mood for dessert - plus it was not only low fat/calorie, it was also delicious! Jason & Marta brought me some cherries just because they knew I loved them - I thought that was really sweet! Well, it was a wonderful day and even thought I was looking forward to it - it was BETTER than I ever expected! I was so happy that Julie had a good time - no, not happy, ecstatic! I really wanted her to have fun, after all, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to go at all. So, thank you "a million" (LOL), Julie! I owe it all to you! Good night all. I wish everyone could feel as content as I do tonight! Thank you, God, for all the wonderful people in my life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUGIE76 6/3/2007 11:39PM

    hey - my pleasure - i wouldn't have gone and had such a special time, if not for you...lol...so THANK YOU!!!! it really turned out so great!!! i missed grandma, but know hw relieved she was for not going - and that makes me happy...omg mom - i know you don't see the change as you, like most, are much too hard on yourself and see yourself as "fat", but i promise you with all my heart - and all three family members (as well as a few more, i'm sure) saw the loss - you legs, your waist, your face, your arms - you're shrinking - and the pant sizes prove it!!!! i'm so proud of you - and thank yo so much for mentioning my weight loss - although usually it would have just embarrased...it was rceived with such positive excitement - it was special...i hopeyou sleep well - i plan toand i too and so thankful for a wonderful day - i think we'll both sleep well tonight - content at the day!!! love you so much pretty lady - we're so blessed to have such a lovely family - makes me grateful and proud!!!xo

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Saturday, June 02, 2007

Jason was in a car accident today. Thank God, he's alright! A cab did a U-turn right into the driver's side of his car. He was in shock when I talked to him an hour later, but he went to the hospital and he sounds a little better now (it's been 7 hrs. now, too). Boy, were we all lucky today to still have him with us! Tomorrow is finally the family reunion- woohoo! Although Mom's not going now, I'm still really excited. Jason says he's still coming and he's determined enough that no matter how he feels, he will! I pray that Julie isn't dreading it the way she was. I really want her to have fun and feel the closeness that our family always shared. One things for sure, there's always good food at a family get-together! They're calling for rain, but now that Mom's not coming (that's why she's not coming, actually) it's not as much of an issue - we can just go inside. Not that they wouldn't let her inside LOL - it's just extremely hard to get her wheelchair up the steps ! So, I've made my cole slaw and now I have to hem some pants of my Mom's. They're too short, so I'm making them shorter - capris! I hope they look O.K.!! Fingers crossed! Sleep well, everyone, and wish us all luck and fun tomorrow!

  
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GUGIE76 6/2/2007 10:23PM

    i too am so grateful to have jas safe - and no - i am no longer dreading tomorrow...infact today was just what i needed to remind me that life is too short to worry like that - make the most of the day - and although i may be feeling a little nervous tomorrow - i'm excited to say that i'm going to the famly party - im sorry that grandma won't be there - she sure willbe missed...but i'm glad she's releived...that's what's most important - i think jas is most rejecting her decision because it scares him to see her getting old...we just can't stand the idea of losing her - he doens't see the struggles she faces just going out with us once a week - so i don't think he really understands!!! this was a bit of a jump for him in her decline - more gradual for us...anyways - i know we'll have agreat time tomorrow and it couldn't make me happier that you're excited - i am so excited that you're excited...i love you so much!!!! have a wonderful sleep - and i'll talk to you first thing in the morning - looking forward to your coleslaw - i know it's got a fruity twist so that's exciting...and something i can eat...lol...good night...

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Julie & Jason came over today to paint Jason's bedroom. They did a wonderful job - it looks so clean now, and so much bigger! I'll enjoy it until Jason brings his stuff over to store here. After that I went to Penningtons to return a pair of capri pants. I wanted a new pair partly for the party on Sunday and partly just for the summer. Julie brought me at least 1000 pants to try on - all shapes & sizes - as well as 150 tops! Really it felt like more, but I don't want to exagerate LOL! Well, the bad news is that NOTHING fit me properly & looked nice. The good news is that I actually fit into a pair of pants that was a size 20!!! When I started Spark I was a size 26. Now I'm between sizes 22 and 24 in most clothes and it's very discouraging to have lost over 30 lbs. and still look like a piece of lard. My stomach is such a disappointment. I know it's a bit smaller, but it just makes everything look awful on me. I have to hide it and in order to do that I have to wear loose clothes - that sort of defeats the purpose. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad I could cry. Well, I won't decide anything tonight. I'm definitely not in a mood to figure things out. I'll deal with it tomorrow. Tonight I just want to relax. I want to stop being sad. Good night all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUGIE76 5/30/2007 10:41PM

    oh mom - i'm so sorry you feel so sad!!! i'm so proud of you - and yet all you see if your "gut" (as you call it!!!) - i wish you could see your smaller behind, your smaller waist, your slender face and you slimmer sillouette...it is so impressive - but, just like so many of us - you focus on what you hate most about yourself!!! you looked great in so many of those things - and by the way - YOU ARE NOT A SIZE 24 - no matter how many times you say it - every single 24 was too large and you asked for a 22!!!! so say good bye to 26 and 24..and hello to 22 - and 20!!! ok???we will find something that looks and feels good for sunday - maybe we can peek at walmart tomorrow after (or before) the gym...sometimes those inexpensive clothes are suprisingly perfect...i'm glad you like the white bedroom - and cosider yourself hugged a great big bear hug - your beautiful - and you'll see it before you know it!!! and wooohooo on the 50s...you made it into the 250's what an amazing accomplshment - once again - i am so proud of you - you're doing it mom!!! you really are - successfully, healthfully and fairly happily (despite the bad day!) - sleep well and expect a tomorrow to be much day - i can almost guarantee it!!! deal??? i love you my "pretty lady"- good night!!!xo

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