Monday, July 20, 2009
The stress has been sort of intoxicating. I forgot where I was, and how this stuff was affecting me, and what I was doing... So the past two weeks have just been awful. I haven't had any food in the house, so it was *gasp* a lot of fast food and bad decisions, and just wanting to eat whatever was easy to keep myself from passing out. I wish there were healthy options available at a drive-thru, stuff that's easy to eat while driving, on the run. The problem is, eating like crap is just so EASY to do...
And then I get home from work at night, and I'm beat, and I have to take care of the puppy and the cat and all I want to do is veg out and not think about anything. There's just too much stress, and it's eating me alive.
But yesterday... while it wasn't fantastic, it wasn't horrible either. I did go grocery shopping this weekend, so I do have some food in the house and can at least make myself a salad or a poached egg or a sandwich, and have some cereal for breakfast before I go to work. Admittedly, I don't have enough produce, but that can be something to do this week. Argh... I just can't even think straight.
But I walked yesterday! I walked Lalo for about a half mile. Which was tough. I wore probably the best shoes that I own, which is sadly a pair of Reef flip flops (they are really comfortable), and I wasn't feeling achey or sore, like sometimes my hips get sore if I walk too far in my Danskos, or if I'm walking and carrying something with my Danskos. But the real reason it was hard was that Lalo isn't terribly good on a leash yet, and he wants to stop and sniff the hell out of everything. So you can't stand to walk with him for very far because it's just frustrating. So while I wasn't hurting at the end of it, I was sweating, which surprised me. It made me realize how, a year ago, even though I was still fat, I was in pretty good shape. I did a lot of walking. I didn't have a car. I lived on the third floor of a building that didn't have an elevator. I walked three blocks to and from the train every day, and then ran up all those steps to get to the train platform. Walking just over a half mile before would never have been enough to make me sweat. It just really made me realize how much I've let myself go in the past year.
So that little walk needs to turn into a daily thing. I can't allow myself to not do it. That's embarrassing!
Monday, July 13, 2009
I always know I'm entering into a better state of mind when I feel compelled to clean my apartment. Believe me, it needed it. It still needs work, but I feel confident that tonight I'll be able to pull out the Swiffer and mop the floor. I don't have that much floor space, after all... I've done all of the hard work, in doing my laundry and just getting stuff put away. That's the hard stuff. Now it's just a matter of continuing to keep things looking decent by exerting a little effort every day so it doesn't get so bad...
I also feel ready to jump back on the wagon and get my weight loss going. I've done the hard part - I've set myself up for success. Now comes the "maintenance" - just the little things that must be accomplished each day to keep things going in the right direction.
Also... I'm going on a fast. Not to jump start any weight loss, but for my digestive health. On Saturday night, I woke up around 3 in the morning with horrible stomach cramps and ended up on the toilet for about an hour. Not good. I feel like it was my body telling me to STOP putting crap in myself! So, I'm going on a "fast," and by that I mean I'm just going to put bland, easy-to-digest things in my body for a couple of days just until my bowels start cooperating with me again.
Lalo peed in my bed again last night. So tonight I'm going to mop and wash my comforter and duvet. It seems like I've been doing nothing but laundry for the past few days now. I'm also going to sit down with myself and outline a schedule for the rest of the week. I should have done this last night, but I'm going to do it tonight, to figure out what the big things coming are, and to hopefully manage my time better.
I love it when the funk is over. This one that I've been in has been lasting for months. I finally feel refreshed and ready to go.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Work is slowing down, and it feels good. I'm still exhausted and have sleep to catch up on... My goals are not being met...
But tomorrow is most certainly another day.
Lalo starts puppy school tonight. And thank goodness! Couldn't have come soon enough. So for the next six weeks, Lalo will be learning not to bite the hell out of everything (and everyone) that gets close to his mouth. I think he'll be kind of difficult to train, though... because he's hyper. You can't get his attention for more than five seconds at a time. Hopefully, his teacher will help us overcome this obstacle.
In the meantime... let's just pray that I get another good night's sleep tonight. I'm just WAY too tired for my own good. It's killing my buzz, and also killing my will to do anything but lie in bed.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
I actually don't know what I'm depressed about. It very well could be Michael Jackson. I was emailing to my mom about it today, and I actually started feeling a little misty. I LOVE the Room for Debate blog on nytimes.com, and they had a couple of experts weighing in on Michael Jackson Mania. One guy said something that was particularly illuminating (I'll paraphrase): that Michael Jackson was a unique celebrity because his appeal was so wide and spanned gender, ethnicity, and nationality. Being a Michael Jackson fan in the 80s was pretty much like being a member of Facebook, or maybe SPARKPEOPLE today. Michael Jackson created a global community that all had being a Michael Jackson fan in common. This is why the mania is so great - because his music affected so many people, and people who felt like they knew each other just because they were fans.
In that light, it is kind of sad... although I think people are grieving for the 80s and not about the Michael Jackson of the past twenty years. It's sad and it's not. He hasn't been a superstar for many years. I think what people are grieving are their childhoods. It's bittersweet, remembering how much we loved him, and realizing how long ago that was.
Well, even if it's not Michael Jackson, I have been in a serious funk for the past week. It's work. I can't sleep at night because I'm so freaked out about ad deadlines. Yikes... Maybe tonight I'll just be so exhausted from the past two nights of four or less hours of sleep that I'll conk out early and get through the whole night.
The diet? Yeah, it's lapsed. Of course. I obviously haven't been tending to my Fast Break goals, but that's ok. I promised myself that I'm going to stay in Fast Break until I can get a solid two weeks of streaking on all three of those goals. Then, I'll feel like I've accomplished enough to get going. A few things I have learned in the past week:
- Laughing Cow cheese + Ritz chips = most delicious 165 calories EVER
- Trader Joe's raspberry fruit-infused tea is REALLY good iced
- Digestive health is something to aspire to
Ok, time for me to Beat It and get out of here! ;)
Thursday, July 02, 2009
I had a different blog posted this morning that whined and complained about how tired I was because of Lalo's diarrhea... blah blah blah... Well, Jon picked him up, and I'm a little relieved that I can get some good sleep tonight.
I also had a little bit of a revelation. I can't tell you what sparked it, or even what the revelation was, exactly... I just suddenly feel like going to the grocery store and getting some healthy food. Not a ton, and I'm not really going to start being hardcore about it until I move out of Fast Break and onto stage 2...
But I think I scare myself into thinking about how far I have to go until it seems pointless. But today I was reading some other Spark Blogs - about girls my age, who have about as much to lose as I do, who've lost 15 or 20 pounds, and are excited. And I realized that the "goal weight" is one of many goals. I started thinking about the drawers full of jeans I have that I've "outgrown" in the past couple of years, and I thought to myself... "man, how great will it be to put on that pair of size 16s again..." I mean, that's not where I *ultimately* want to be, but I often forget how good it will feel to get there, and how good it will feel to know I am making progress.
I often make really big goals for myself, and then get mad at myself when I don't accomplish them. Like, tonight, I was sitting here thinking, "Oh, I can get this stuff done for work, and I can get x-amount of exercise in, blah blah blah..." But realistically? I'm tired. I was up practically all night last with a puppy who had diarrhea. Am I going to exercise? No. Am I going to work from home? No. I'm going to hit the grocery store, buy a few items, have a quick dinner and maybe a glass of wine, and go to bed. If I'm lucky, I'll get some laundry folded. I shouldn't feel bad about that. I'm exhausted, and with good reason. IT'S OK, MEGAN! DON'T FEEL GUILTY!
Remind me to blog about depression soon, because I'm sure that's what hinders me. It's retarded that there are days that I can't get out of bed for no reason at all, that the thought of doing laundry, or even showering, makes me shiver.
Today, though, I had an "I can do it!" moment. I just need to remember what that feels like...
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