Giving up...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

As I prepared to go to the eating disorder clinic the other day – knowing that I had not done good – I thought "what if they give up on me and throw me out..." and the next thought was "well, they can do it, but I canīt, I wish I could but I have to continue because I really have no other option"

They did not give up on me (yet), they even changed my visit from two a month to once a week. So I am trying again. The day I went there I had a forceful cold, sneezing all day but it went away as fast as it hit me. Or so I thought because yesterday I got fever and a sore throat and I canīt breathe through my nose.

I am successfully sober for more than five years. I gave up smoking ... twenty years ago. I know I can change habits. But it seems to me that I can give up things, but I canīt handle them. To just have "a little" of something is hard.

For the moment I am thinking to give up all kind of candy, chocolate and "coffeebread" (cookies, buns, cake) I donīt have to eat that to survive. I am sure I am not "allergic" to sugar as some people say they are, but my mind canīt handle to eat restricted amounts of things I have learned to be "bad"... but I am thinking that when I gave up alcohol I was very confused to start with. I could not imagine a life without fine wines or social drinking and thought it would be too much of a pressure for me. I decided then not to think about the future, I would be sober one day at a time and make other decisions if I needed to. And that was more than five years ago and all my fears of being an outcast and not able to socialize with some of my great friends, has vanished. I AM in danger of starting to drink again because I have forgotten the anxiety I felt and find myself thinking that I probably was overreacting... and the truth is that I have not missed anything important during these sober years so why not stay that way however "non-alcoholic" I may be. I donīt have to drink so why should I?

Back to food – I am also thinking of giving up meat and bread for a while. This awakens the same confusion and insecurity as giving up alcohol did because I canīt find any scientific support for doing this.

I can only observe that I overeat meat, mostly pork but that is probably because beef is so expensive I donīt buy that often... I also almost stopped eating chicken since I canīt find any ecological and the ordinary is bred in such a horrible way, I need to take a stand against it (and I LOVE chicken!)

The main reason to give up meat is to see if it makes my joints and muscles better, I have heard testimonials from people who became vegetarians that their aches disappeared when they stopped eating meat. I donīt really believe in that but it is worth trying and will lower my food cost to try it for a while.

Bread - I make whole-wheat bread and have eaten it for breakfast for quite some years but for the moment I wonder – the existence of bread in the house is a temptation to overeat.

If I think ahead these limitations seems stupid and impossible. But – I do not have to worry about the future, I will do this today that is all I have to worry about.
So today is no bread and no meat. For breakfast I had two hard-boiled eggs, lunch is a salad with kalamata olives and dinner will be delicious soup with mushrooms - and some lentils for protein.

My glands are swollen, I will not exercise because I am not in shape for anything but taking it as easy as I can, I will try to love myself although I wonīt put in 100 percent at work...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILLYHP1953 1/2/2011 8:57PM

I think you're making a good decision to experiment with not eating red meat and sweets and breads, they are foods we do not need to survive. I have heard that red meat causes inflamation and also gluten in wheat. So you can apply your same stradegy of one day at a time to food, too. You are a wise woman and I'm really glad I've met you on here. Phyllis Report Inappropriate Comment

JOCALAT 12/30/2010 1:45PM

Glad your not giving up....rather than focus on what you can't have why not think about all the food you can have....add exercise if you are able...it keeps you away from food and doing something positive for yourself!! Report Inappropriate Comment

KAMAPERRY 12/30/2010 1:02PM

Glad to see you are not "giving up" I was worried!! Way to go on your 5 years, I have 5 from drugs and alcohol, and 329 days smoke free. I hope you feel better soon and best wishes with your food plan. I just can't bring myself to go vegan yet. Report Inappropriate Comment

GATOR12 12/30/2010 12:40PM

Like others, concerned you were giving up the fight, I read your blog but I'm relieved to find you are a super strong woman just needing to vent and for support. I know you can SEE how much support and love is out there for you and being BEAMED your way, even as I write. You received lots of good advice but have to find out what works for YOU. Going twice weekly to your E.D. clinic (and no it doesn't stand for erectile dysfunction) smile=====using their advice and support sounds like the best plan. I discovered I had those trigger foods. When I started eating choc, salty chips or pretzels or nuts, I knew no limits and would often binge so just don't let them in the house. You find yours in time!! Hugs Brenda Report Inappropriate Comment

J-ALEXIS 12/30/2010 7:30AM

You have accomplished a great deal!! Staying sober for 5 years proves that. You are amazing!!! Everyone here on Spark is with you, and helping you with your food issue. Every moment of your day, we are with you in spirit rooting you on. Each of us battles with food.... So, grab on to our support and strenght.... We soooooooo want you to have it. When you entitle your blog, "Giving Up." I first thought YOU were giving up!! Then, when I thought about it more.....how could an an amazing woman that stopped drinking for 5 years give up? I then smiled. Sending you tons and tons of motivation!!!!!!!!!! J.alexis Report Inappropriate Comment

ONEKIDSMOM 12/30/2010 7:17AM

One day at a time, my friend. We try something and see how it goes. We reason what is working and what is not. Blessings! Report Inappropriate Comment

ROUNDTOWNMOM 12/30/2010 6:57AM

You have stopped two of the most difficult "addictions" to stop.........alcohol and cigarettes. Unlike those addictions, however, as you have already pointed out, we cannot give up or stop eating food. Just as one sip of alcohol or one drag on a cig can reignite those habits, so can, for me, one taste of something that I know I cannot resist. Some people can take "bites" and be satisfied with those things that they love.......I cannot. When I read "Giving up" in your title I was concerned you were giving up in a different way. Good for you for staying the course! Report Inappropriate Comment

SBATES63 12/30/2010 6:44AM

I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I understand, though. I find I have to give up sweets for awhile, and then I can seem to have them in controlled amounts, if I keep strong. I turn to what keeps me sober for help with my problems with food. I ask for help in the morning, and every time during the day I feel weak. It works if I am sincere in wanting help. Good luck to you in finding what works for you. Stephanie Report Inappropriate Comment

ESPERI 12/30/2010 5:26AM

Phu When I read the entry "giving up..." I thought you were about to throw in the towel. Soooo relieved now that Iīve read the whole blog! A small anecdote; I too have had problems with my joints and tried the vegetarian style for a while but felt really bad. I made a lot of pies, pasta and that sort of meals. Turned out to be a bit sensitive to wheat... = made it all worse. Report Inappropriate Comment

DSJB9999 12/30/2010 4:22AM

Wow 5 years alcohol free and more without cigarettes you have proved your strength. I lost weight with my Slimming World class but found it impossible to be as strict with not going every week so going to your eating disorder clinic weekly sounds like a fantastic idea - see it as a positive. Be careful with the giving up lots of things at once! I chose not to have sweet things biscuits, choc etc but did overeat 24th, 25th, 26th and 27th Dec because they were so available! Back to it now. Good luck my friend, hugs Donna x day at a time. Report Inappropriate Comment

KASEYCOFF 12/30/2010 3:52AM

Meddy, I agree with Chris in just about every respect. I don't see why we need to force ourselves to handle restricted amounts of some things: I find it more difficult to try to control eating a small amount of things like candy or pastries or snackfoods, than I do to just eliminate them altogether. So I don't eat them - I have the self-discipline to 'just say no,' when I know if I had one, it would just lead to two, to three, to way too many. Also like Chris, I've found that meat just doesn't agree with me. I don't really like the flavor much anymore, and it doesn't seem to improve recipes (spaghetti, chili, soups) to the point where I miss the meat in them, so I just omit it. Over the last couple of years I've experimented with some of the vegetarian proteins, like veggie burgers and TVP, and I use a lot more pulses and lentils and things for protein. I think meat is 'calorie-dense' for what you get out of it health-wise, so I think I do better to use a non-meat source that also has some other benefits, like additional fiber and micronutrients. And beans are a lot cheaper than meat. I have a bad knee, and from time to time a few of my joints are started to (lol) creak a bit. Well, I don't know that giving up meat as such has improved them, but I am not a true committed vegan either, as occasionally I will have meat (I love salmon, we had turkey for Christmas, I will have some pork tenderloins for New Year's), so perhaps I'm not quite 'meatless' enough to see a difference in my joints or muscles. I have lost some weight, tho, so whatever improvement there is might be down to my joints and muscles having less weight and stress on them. Bread: I don't bake it anymore, because like Chris and you, it's just too tempting if there's a lot of it around, especially when it's homemade and smells so good. I hadn't had any bread in months but several weeks ago I got hungry for some. I bought a small loaf of Burgen Soya & Linseed (is it available in Sweden? I think it's available on the continent as well as in the UK). I put it in the freezer, and so far I have maybe one slice per week or two. Whether it's because I have to 'plan ahead' a little bit to use it (we don't have a toaster anymore) or simply because I have better control than I used to, it works for me when I want a piece of bread to go with an egg, or if I need breadcrumbs for a recipe. What if it's not the bread, per se, but the wheat in it that triggers a craving? Or gluten? Might be worth doing a few 'trials' before you decide which way to go. I long ago stopped eating any 'white' foods: no white sugar, no white rice, no white flour, and no products made from them. I don't go out of my way to avoid dairy (tho I have really learned to love soy yogurt in place of milk-based yogurts) but I will do a lot to avoid sodium - I think it's almost as much of a 'poison' to the body in general as simple sugar is. Your meal plan sounds really good, especially when you have a cold and want to eat light. And if you plan other days' menus along those same lines, I would think you'd be off to a good start in terms of healthy eating and a good lifestyle. You've done such a great job with things like quitting alcohol and quitting smoking - that gives you a really strong foundation to do whatever you decide to do, whether it's giving up bread or becoming a vegetarian. Keep going, Meddy, you're doing great! Report Inappropriate Comment

CHRISTURTLE 12/30/2010 3:23AM

Hope you feel much better soon! You are right in not exercising, in just taking things easy and doing as little as possible while you are so unwell. One day at a time. Ok, about giving up... Meat? I stopped eating meat for no other reason than I didn't enjoy the taste or the texture, but do occasionally have a small piece of chicken - organic, for the same reasons you mentioned. If I have beef or lamb at any time (very rarely, the only way I can eat it is if it is in a very hot curry, or with lots of chili, so I don't have to taste it. Seems a waste of meat and of money when I have to disguise it, so I don't eat it. Since I stopped eating meat, those knee replacements I was needing according to two different orthopedic surgeons and three different general practice doctors, are no longer needed, because so long as I remember to take just a very mild anti-inflammatory pill once per day, I have no pain whatsoever. That only started to happen after I stopped eating meat, but I do admit I was exercising more, so may have nothing to do with the meat. Cakes, biscuits, chocolates, sweets of any kind? If I have one mouthful, I need more, and more, and more... Last night I scored a victory over chocolate - I had two chocolates and didn't want anything more - first time that has ever happened. I will try one chocolate again tonight, and each night till the box is finished, and hopefully I can stay strong against temptation. Cake, desserts, biscuits, cookies, sweet breads of any kind I find impossible to resist after that first taste. I just don't buy them any longer. Bread? As for homebaked whole wheat bread, I have stopped regularly baking my own because one slice led to two, and so on. I know it was better for me than the storebought tasteless stuff they sell as bread, but the butter and jam or peanut butter or whatever else I added to the bread was not helping my weight or my health. I find if I freeze homebaked bread after slicing the loaf, I am content with taking one or two slices from the packet at a time. I may only need to bake one loaf every 2 or 3 weeks, because if I don't smell it baking, I don't crave it, same as if I don't see it there in front of me, I don't crave it. The freezer solved that problem for me. You have become such a strong and determined woman over the past 12 months, and its wonderful to see the changes.All those moments of self doubt pass and you move on with life, where before they would lead to overeating and then feeling depressed. You really are an inspiration to me! Whatever you decide to do with those things you wrote about, which are the main things causing you problems, I know it will be the right decision for YOU. No one can make those decisions for anyone else, but I know you will consider things before deciding. As you say, don't look too far into the future when deciding what you will do now, one day at a time is the best way, and you can always alter your decision should you wish to, at any time. Good luck my wonderful friend, and keep up the good work. Report Inappropriate Comment

_CYNDY55_ 12/30/2010 1:42AM

。* 。*。 • ˚ ˚ •。★ And Wishes To You In。* 。*。 • ˚ ˚ •。★2011*!* Strong Sobriety Day At A Time Report Inappropriate Comment

Christmas is over...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

... in Sweden as we celebrate christmas eve and not that much christmas day.

I had a calm day but ate to much. Today Iīve gone to an AA meeting that was great and the rest of the time Iīve spent in the sofa, reading... wonderful

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIGGERIFFIC123 1/2/2011 8:52PM

Sounds like a wonderful Christmas!! Love the candle holder. Good for you enjoying your holiday relaxing and getting lost in a good book! Rhonda Report Inappropriate Comment

SILLYHP1953 1/2/2011 8:47PM

I really like your angel candle holder, too. My step-father's parents always celebrated on Christmas Eve and they were of German heritage, but don't know if that's a German tradition. Glad you had a relaxing Christmas day...mine was not! But it was fun and I'm getting much better at not stressing over things. Report Inappropriate Comment

TIBURONA 12/26/2010 1:49AM

Sounds like the way to spend a good day. Report Inappropriate Comment

ONTARIOWALKER63 12/25/2010 8:42PM

my family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve as well (I live in Ontario) I love it that way.. it's much more relaxing.. we go to church in the morning, and then we do "whatever" for the rest of the day.. today we went toboganning, and roasted hotdogs over an open fire.. we're not very "traditional" Ontario people, when it comes to celebrating things lol sounds like you had a wonderful calm day.. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHRISTURTLE 12/25/2010 6:59PM

Everyone eats too much on Christmas Day, if we are all being honest. I know I did, even though I tried not to. The food is such a big part of Christmas, its almost impossible to resist just a little of the things I know I shouldn't be eating, then just a little more, and a little more... I am glad you got to spend your Christmas Day the way you did, I plan on doing very similar today - just hope I get to, that I don't have to do entertain unexpected guests. I'm glad you went to your AA meeting, great idea on such a big day. I love your angel candle holder, absolutely beautiful. Soon we will begin another year, filled with all kinds of possibilities for success. Best wishes my wonderful friend, Chris. Report Inappropriate Comment

KAMAPERRY 12/25/2010 5:01PM

very nice! Report Inappropriate Comment

NANNER2121 12/25/2010 4:28PM

Thank you for explaining, the title had me worried! Report Inappropriate Comment

Struvor...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

...is the name of these special christmas cookies, I had four of those for breakfast... my sister made them and my only comfort is that they are very thin so hopefully they did not put another kilo on my waist...

But the most interesting thing is that usually I "lose it" in the afternoon and I do have the mind of an obsessive eater, which means that once I have eaten "wrong" I can continue to eat all day. The goal for today is to follow my meal plan and eat healthy.

This will be interesting.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILLYHP1953 1/2/2011 8:44PM

They are very pretty, and I'm sure very tasty. I'd say you did really well to only eat four of them. Hope your food choices made you happy the rest of the day. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHRISTURTLE 12/22/2010 3:52PM

I have that same thought pattern when I eat something I know I really shouldn't have. Slowly I am learning to change my way of thinking, and accept the fact that if I eat something not on my list of 'good' foods, I need to leave something else off my meal plan for the day, while still aiming to fill all my nutritional requirements. Those cookies are absolutely beautiful, and I can understand you having them for breakfast. Something you haven't mentioned though - you only had two of them, not a lot, two cookies, and it won't take much to alter your food plan to stay on track. You are doing so well, you keep going from strength to strength, and I know if you weren't able to resist further temptation during the rest of your day, that tomorrow you will start all over again, with that same determined attitude that has brought you so far. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my wonderful, inspirational friend. ((Hugs)) Chris. Report Inappropriate Comment

SBATES63 12/22/2010 2:43PM

The cookies are beautiful! Just because you ate them doesn't mean your day is ruined, food wise. Just follow your plan and eat healthy for the rest of the day. Report Inappropriate Comment

KAMAPERRY 12/22/2010 2:03PM

Those are called Spritz cookies here. I love them Report Inappropriate Comment

ONEKIDSMOM 12/22/2010 6:53AM

Getting away from that mindset is not easy... I know, as I have that same mind of a compulsive eater. I have found it possible... one day, one decision at a time... with help from that higher power we talk about! Report Inappropriate Comment

ESPERI 12/22/2010 4:27AM

Getting back on track is the difference between failure and success!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

Zero tolerance strategy...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Yesterday we made christmas candy. A former neighbour, my nephew and my daughter produced two kinds of sweets, "Ice chocolate" and "snicker candy"

Itīs absolutely crazy for a compulsive overeater like me to involve in such actions... but I wanted the cosiness. I decided to try "zero tolerance"-strategy, I was to have nothing at all, not even licking spoons or fingers...

It worked yesterday. The hardest was not to do it while we were making the stuff. But when it was finished and put on plates to harden we went to christmas concert and came home later in the evening. The guests had left, my daughter went to watch the television, and I had to take the plates inside and store the sweets away... it was not easy and my inner voice told me that I could taste just one... Which I know from previous experience that I can not!

Somehow I managed not to have any so yesterday was saved. No the sweets are lurking in my fridge and (also from previous experience) I know that they can attack me any moment...



"zero tolerance" does not seem to be a sane strategy, itīs sort of on-off thinking. Although I DO use the "zero tolerance" on alcohol and it has worked for more than five years... I know very well that it would not work to have a moderate amount of alcohol. Although I had not yet gotten more horrible consequences from my use of alcohol than my own anxiety, it was bad enough to make me want to change and to stop altogether.

My compulsive overeating is giving me all the bad consequences experienced alcoholics report; no relief from tension, no joy when doing it, just a feeling of failure and anxiety and of course a massive overweight that is threatening my health and stopping me from living the active life I would want to.

I am rather sure that I am not addicted to alcohol in a biological way, I can attend the Holy Communion, I can have cough medicine – as long as I donīt consume alcohol as a social gesture I have no problem.

I also donīt think that I am a sugar addict, my binges are from "forbidden"eating (out of plan, a second serving, junk food etc) That does not mean that I can put an icecream in my menu and than handle it...

If I look at the quest of abstaining from compulsive overeating it is so much harder than becoming sober. When I first got sober I stayed away from all situations were alcohol was present and I changed my lifestyle into sober living in sober surrounding – I stopped participating in "wining and dining" I stayed away from coctailparties. In fact I reduced my participation in "normal" parties to an almost nothing, and still do.

Staying away from all eating situations is much, much harder. It is accepted as part of "the good life" and my daughter would for example be disappointed if there were no micropopcorn or sweets or icecream ever...

With the support of the eating disorder clinic I have tried moderate eating during this autumn, I have tracked my food and I have tried to eat consistently and not throw myself into yoyo-behaviour.

It has worked – and not worked. It has worked in the sense that I have lost some weight, but I have not been relieved of binging behaviour or eating compulsively. Or feeling like a failure most of the time..

To the eating disorder clinic "zero tolerance" behaviour is not recommended, they are trying to teach me to be "normal"... or maybe not. What they are trying to teach me is to keep on eating no matter what – if I binge or overeat I am not to throw in the towel and give up, I am to return to three-healthy-meals-and-two-snacks a day.

I have a hard time to see that it is working because I am doing so many "wrong" choices which makes my changes so slow...

Iīll have to accept that it is what it is... I managed my disease yesterday and I will try to manage it today. The rest I do not have to worry about today. The "zero tolerance" strategy has to be considered from situation to situation. And I will try to learn from the outcome...

Thanks for reading!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILLYHP1953 12/20/2010 11:58AM

Are there still clinics who think they can teach alcoholics to drink "normally"? I know there were in the past, but hopefully doctors have accepted zero tolerance for that situation. I'm trying to imagine if I could eat a normal portion of some of my trigger foods...and overeating those foods is so associated with them that I'm sure I could not. But maybe it could be learned, maybe it should be learned. Food is not in itself addicting like alcohol or drugs, is it? But I have read that foods full of fat and sugar do affect our brains. I don't know about all this...I'm sorry you have an eating disorder and have to go through all this, but I'm glad you're here so that I got to meet you. As thoughtful as you are and as willing as you are to do your inner work, I think you will get through this. And I'm really happy you and your daughter are getting to hang out. Report Inappropriate Comment

KAMAPERRY 12/19/2010 6:12PM

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JOCALAT 12/19/2010 4:27PM

hang in there...you didn't get here overnight so give yourself time to get yourself back to where you are healthy!! You can do it!! Report Inappropriate Comment

KMIRANDA2000 12/19/2010 8:54AM

you're doing great Report Inappropriate Comment

RACHGLAZE 12/19/2010 8:39AM

Hang in there -- it is hard when you suffer from binge eating disorders. So much harder because few mainstream people even know there is such a thing. Sometimes I feel they are looking at me and thinking "Why doesn't she just eat less", as if I was in control during a binge eating session. I don't know who's in control then but it's certianly NOT me. I mean would I really eat the jumbo box of Little Debbie snack cakes with milk chasers if I was in contol? No way. I have found it helpful to use this thinking process to overcome binge episode "I am not going to eat ___________ (fill in food), not because I can't but because I choose not to. I have a choice, I could eat the food but my health is more important." Anyhow, I don't know if that will help. This statement just shifts the focus from "forbidden" to "allowed but choosing not to" it shifts focus from "barly in control or completely out of control" to "I'm in control". The feeling is just different and helps me stay on track. Hang in there, like any other disease, binge eating disorder can be overcome. Report Inappropriate Comment

V_ON_THE_VERGE 12/19/2010 5:51AM

Challenging indeed... December is an especially crazy month for those of us with food issues. I don't even think that it's about self control in the end. It's about self respect and self awareness, honoring our bodies and souls, feeding each with what it needs. I believe that often, we feed our bodies when our souls are starving and we don't know how to even recognize the difference in who is hungry. The problem is that our soul will never be satisfied with body-food, just as our body can never be satisfied with soul-food. Report Inappropriate Comment

KASEYCOFF 12/19/2010 5:07AM

I know what you mean, Meddy, and I too find it easier to control my binging impulses when I specifically don't so much as taste the foods that seem to trigger these cravings. It seems so easy to spin out of control. I know why the clinic tries to focus on learning behavior, to learn a better way of life: we don't need alcohol to live, but we do need food, so at some point, the issue of self-control becomes very important. I still think, tho, that 'One is too many, a million aren't enough!' :-) Report Inappropriate Comment

TRIGFROST 12/19/2010 4:45AM

read my blog...about the book I found.... Report Inappropriate Comment

GINADOWNUNDER 12/19/2010 2:57AM

Keep trying. Report Inappropriate Comment

One of those days...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

...when I feel really really old... but this cheered me up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQHIX3Kb6
7w&feature=related

(I donīt know why it does not come out like a link...)

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILLYHP1953 12/16/2010 1:07PM

I'm hoping to not EVER feel really really old, even when the numbers say I am! Report Inappropriate Comment

MEDDYPEDDY 12/16/2010 11:04AM

I can copy and paste it and it works and I donīt know why it does not come out as a direct link... Report Inappropriate Comment

KAMAPERRY 12/16/2010 10:36AM

Link wouldn't load Report Inappropriate Comment