Thursday, December 30, 2010
As I prepared to go to the eating disorder clinic the other day knowing that I had not done good I thought "what if they give up on me and throw me out..." and the next thought was "well, they can do it, but I canīt, I wish I could but I have to continue because I really have no other option"
They did not give up on me (yet), they even changed my visit from two a month to once a week. So I am trying again. The day I went there I had a forceful cold, sneezing all day but it went away as fast as it hit me. Or so I thought because yesterday I got fever and a sore throat and I canīt breathe through my nose.
I am successfully sober for more than five years. I gave up smoking ... twenty years ago. I know I can change habits. But it seems to me that I can give up things, but I canīt handle them. To just have "a little" of something is hard.
For the moment I am thinking to give up all kind of candy, chocolate and "coffeebread" (cookies, buns, cake) I donīt have to eat that to survive. I am sure I am not "allergic" to sugar as some people say they are, but my mind canīt handle to eat restricted amounts of things I have learned to be "bad"... but I am thinking that when I gave up alcohol I was very confused to start with. I could not imagine a life without fine wines or social drinking and thought it would be too much of a pressure for me. I decided then not to think about the future, I would be sober one day at a time and make other decisions if I needed to. And that was more than five years ago and all my fears of being an outcast and not able to socialize with some of my great friends, has vanished. I AM in danger of starting to drink again because I have forgotten the anxiety I felt and find myself thinking that I probably was overreacting... and the truth is that I have not missed anything important during these sober years so why not stay that way however "non-alcoholic" I may be. I donīt have to drink so why should I?
Back to food I am also thinking of giving up meat and bread for a while. This awakens the same confusion and insecurity as giving up alcohol did because I canīt find any scientific support for doing this.
I can only observe that I overeat meat, mostly pork but that is probably because beef is so expensive I donīt buy that often... I also almost stopped eating chicken since I canīt find any ecological and the ordinary is bred in such a horrible way, I need to take a stand against it (and I LOVE chicken!)
The main reason to give up meat is to see if it makes my joints and muscles better, I have heard testimonials from people who became vegetarians that their aches disappeared when they stopped eating meat. I donīt really believe in that but it is worth trying and will lower my food cost to try it for a while.
Bread - I make whole-wheat bread and have eaten it for breakfast for quite some years but for the moment I wonder the existence of bread in the house is a temptation to overeat.
If I think ahead these limitations seems stupid and impossible. But I do not have to worry about the future, I will do this today that is all I have to worry about.
So today is no bread and no meat. For breakfast I had two hard-boiled eggs, lunch is a salad with kalamata olives and dinner will be delicious soup with mushrooms - and some lentils for protein.
My glands are swollen, I will not exercise because I am not in shape for anything but taking it as easy as I can, I will try to love myself although I wonīt put in 100 percent at work...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
... in Sweden as we celebrate christmas eve and not that much christmas day.
I had a calm day but ate to much. Today Iīve gone to an AA meeting that was great and the rest of the time Iīve spent in the sofa, reading... wonderful
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
...is the name of these special christmas cookies, I had four of those for breakfast... my sister made them and my only comfort is that they are very thin so hopefully they did not put another kilo on my waist...
But the most interesting thing is that usually I "lose it" in the afternoon and I do have the mind of an obsessive eater, which means that once I have eaten "wrong" I can continue to eat all day. The goal for today is to follow my meal plan and eat healthy.
This will be interesting.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Yesterday we made christmas candy. A former neighbour, my nephew and my daughter produced two kinds of sweets, "Ice chocolate" and "snicker candy"
Itīs absolutely crazy for a compulsive overeater like me to involve in such actions... but I wanted the cosiness. I decided to try "zero tolerance"-strategy, I was to have nothing at all, not even licking spoons or fingers...
It worked yesterday. The hardest was not to do it while we were making the stuff. But when it was finished and put on plates to harden we went to christmas concert and came home later in the evening. The guests had left, my daughter went to watch the television, and I had to take the plates inside and store the sweets away... it was not easy and my inner voice told me that I could taste just one... Which I know from previous experience that I can not!
Somehow I managed not to have any so yesterday was saved. No the sweets are lurking in my fridge and (also from previous experience) I know that they can attack me any moment...
"zero tolerance" does not seem to be a sane strategy, itīs sort of on-off thinking. Although I DO use the "zero tolerance" on alcohol and it has worked for more than five years... I know very well that it would not work to have a moderate amount of alcohol. Although I had not yet gotten more horrible consequences from my use of alcohol than my own anxiety, it was bad enough to make me want to change and to stop altogether.
My compulsive overeating is giving me all the bad consequences experienced alcoholics report; no relief from tension, no joy when doing it, just a feeling of failure and anxiety and of course a massive overweight that is threatening my health and stopping me from living the active life I would want to.
I am rather sure that I am not addicted to alcohol in a biological way, I can attend the Holy Communion, I can have cough medicine as long as I donīt consume alcohol as a social gesture I have no problem.
I also donīt think that I am a sugar addict, my binges are from "forbidden"eating (out of plan, a second serving, junk food etc) That does not mean that I can put an icecream in my menu and than handle it...
If I look at the quest of abstaining from compulsive overeating it is so much harder than becoming sober. When I first got sober I stayed away from all situations were alcohol was present and I changed my lifestyle into sober living in sober surrounding I stopped participating in "wining and dining" I stayed away from coctailparties. In fact I reduced my participation in "normal" parties to an almost nothing, and still do.
Staying away from all eating situations is much, much harder. It is accepted as part of "the good life" and my daughter would for example be disappointed if there were no micropopcorn or sweets or icecream ever...
With the support of the eating disorder clinic I have tried moderate eating during this autumn, I have tracked my food and I have tried to eat consistently and not throw myself into yoyo-behaviour.
It has worked and not worked. It has worked in the sense that I have lost some weight, but I have not been relieved of binging behaviour or eating compulsively. Or feeling like a failure most of the time..
To the eating disorder clinic "zero tolerance" behaviour is not recommended, they are trying to teach me to be "normal"... or maybe not. What they are trying to teach me is to keep on eating no matter what if I binge or overeat I am not to throw in the towel and give up, I am to return to three-healthy-meals-and-two-snacks a day.
I have a hard time to see that it is working because I am doing so many "wrong" choices which makes my changes so slow...
Iīll have to accept that it is what it is... I managed my disease yesterday and I will try to manage it today. The rest I do not have to worry about today. The "zero tolerance" strategy has to be considered from situation to situation. And I will try to learn from the outcome...
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
...when I feel really really old... but this cheered me up:
(I donīt know why it does not come out like a link...)
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