Sunday, August 19, 2012
When I look at people I can see that they tend to end p in the same thing over and over again... and I wonder of course how we choose this.
And unfortunately this is me also - I tend to step from one economic catastrophe to another. I had finally paid of the big accountant bill I had from last year AND the lawyer for the court fight over daugter - and druing this I have also paid reapirs on car... finally thought that I could start building a new reserve - I had one of 20 000 skr last year who disappeared very quickly when accountant bill came...
And now my coputer is starting to give me troulble - the mouse pad does not work. As I am an apple fan this means 10 000 skr - that I don´t hae. Maybe I can get a new bluetooth mouse to use for a while, just as I have a bluetooth keyboard... found a site that sells reconditioned computers and those who might have dents in the shells - one year gurarantee and half the price... but I´ll go with a bluetoot mouse first. I can get the money in two months if nothing catastrophical happens...
But I wonder why this is happening all the time - I probably waste too much money but I do think that I am really living cheap, I do have a good salary, car and gas are heavy consts but otherwise I don´t spend much. Binge food of course... but hardly no clothes, nothing on hairdresser, make-up - one kajal pen four times a year... shoes, expensive, house costs...electrical bill is heavy otherwise not that much. Doggier - not that exensive since I took away his daycare, child care - alimony(?) for daughter, not that heavy... it ends up but I managed to save 1 500 skr each month last year, this year I have been behind all the time.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I got inspiration form a blog from onekidsmom about willingness but first - yesterday:
Instead of walking the dog and then maybe go mushroomhunting in the evening I took the car out in the woods and did he 45 minute morning walk there - hunting for mushrooms at the same time. I can´t say that the loot was big but it was enough for lunch and I am really starting to see the new possibility with the gps in my phone - it makes it possible to explore new territories and leave the common paths...only wish I had good waterproof boots, but I have problem feet and not money so it will have to wait and I will try to stay on higher grounds...
Doggy hates to go in the car - when I turn back I have to remember to leash him long before we reach the car, otherwise he will not come and I will spend a lot of time trying to persuade him to come to me...
Then I went to an interview - doggy was with me as we were on our way to performance. He managed to sneak out of the car at the interview so I spend some embarrasing minutes trying to catch him...he was very happy and I had to work hard not to strangle him ;-( when I finally got him I did not want to put him back in the car - then he will never come to me in the future - so he was with me at the interview (that was outdoor) very confusing with everybody wanting to pet him and me saying "dont, he bites" (Which he does if people comes to sudden upon him, he has to come first..) and at the same time as I was watching him not biting people I was trying to give some intelligent questions...it was sort of chaotic and I don´t think my brand as a serious journalist is safe... I just hope that I get things right in the article - it is not a pulitzerwinner and it is all positive, I think I am safe.
Then to theatre, very small audience but that does not mean less work, just different.
Ok - so the willingness then. If I want to become healthy I have to live a healthy persons life. In some aspects I do already - I go to bed early and sleep the hours I need, I try to paln my day so there is not too much going on, no stress. I also cook healthy food. What in my daily life is not healthy? Too much time in the sofa at evenings. I blame my fatigue, I have no energy left ... but maybe I should try doing nothing instead of watching teve for a while.
I´ll be back on this subject, it feels like "the life of a healthy person" as I think it is is out of reach for the moment because I can´t master the energy... but I also have to admit that I am not really clear on what the life of a healthy person looks like. I might start with elaborating that.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Fell asleep on the sofa after work yesterday, woke up at eleven and went to bed, slept until six this morning, woke up with a hint of a migraine that is fortunately gone now - AND the coming day that I felt stressed about has turned around for something better.
I have a press conference to attend and we also have a show at the theatre tonight, we are playing both saturday and sunday also and then there is work again monday... I feel that this really is a little bit too much for me, especially since we have to rehearse a lot next week for the special show for next saturday AND it is getting close to deadline for the septemberissue of the business edition. Yes, I am stressed but good planning and a healthy attitude will make it right. Going back to those mottos "easy does it" "one day at the time" "Most important first" and "live and let live"
I can do this... for today I have planned a 45 minutes walk in the woods with doggie, a session at the gym - ST - for thirty minutes, three healthy meals and a loving, positive attitude....
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I am reading a book "Självhypnos"(english title: "Healing with mind power") that wants me to do these lists - one of what I have to gain by losing - and one about what benefits I have from being fat. And there is no problem to list what I would gain from losing - but it sounded ridiculous that I would lose anything apart from the weight... BUT (and it is painful) I did some soul-searching and found that there are some positives.
- For example I can eat more than others without risking to gain weight... this sounds weird but if I put up pictures in my mind about what it would be like being thin, one of the things is that I would always have to watch very carefully how much and what I was eating not to start gaining again - and that feels scary. One reason for me being fat is that I like to eat - being thin would require me changing that into something unknown.
- Fat gives me an excuse not to compete in the sex arena - as a fat person I never get treated as a sex object...
- Fat weights heavy... meaning that if I do some soul seeking I discover that I have a tendancy to see small people (like in short, slim and delicate) as less powerful than big, sturdy ones. And who can be more sturdy than a fat person?
And an odd thing - I do like to define myself as an outcast - I do want to belong to a group that is not "normal" that is in a more vulnerable situation than others. This is also very weird because on another level I do very much like to be "normal" and a part of normal groups
Fat also gives me an excuse not to take on challenges and live - I "just" have to get thin before I can...go traveling, start that course, go dancing etc. etc. I can postpone other things because I have to focus on weight loss...
- The identity of being a weak carachter with not enough willpower is secure and it is scary to think of what standards I might have to meet if I changed...
The above is not clear and I am not sure in what extent it is really true - because the opposite is also true - I hate to be different as in fat-different. I hate to be unable to eat less, I hate not to feel sexually attractive etc. but those weird feelings were swimming around somewhere deep in me and is part of why I continue to be fat. I have some wrong emotional connections here - I think that if I lose the weight I will also lose other things in my personality that I want to keep. And I will have to work on believing that it is my choice what I keep and what I let go off.
There is also some very fysical effects - eating gives me oral satisfaction, being full (not too full) feels safe, eating numbs my restlessness and gives me something to do
Yes, yes I know - a lot of the above is brain ghosts that has nothing to do with reality but if I don´t lift them to a concious level I can´t adress them and change them.
It is very easy to state that we are fat because we eat too much energy compared to what we use - but once that is clear too us, why don´t we change? Because the eating and the weight also meets some other blurry needs of ours. If we can identify them and get them right it will get easier to change.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Today I got a spark mail telling me I was not welcome to sign up for the autumn challenge in this BL private team - it was a shock and triggered my "abandoned-child" reflexes. I just want to crawl under some stone and cry because I am not good enough... the good thing is that after I while I can note that I am still alive, that reaction is more something from the past, than meaning that I really have been abandoned and rejected by the world... that particular team did not appreciate my choices and that is their privilige. But it did hurt.
It is also interesting to note that one of the feelings I have is embarrasment and shame for being naive and happy thinking I was ok in that team.
I am a little scared about "challenge teams" - I donÂ´t react well to challenges, they do trigger the extreme and obsessive parts of my personality so the reason that I joined that team was because I wanted to keep in touch with a spark friend who was active there but not so much in any other teams.
And then it happened that I really liked the team activities - the challenges where fun and changing every week and they were not too extreme, I could manage them without too much effort. I did well and lost weight. True, that it also made me go on an extreme fluid diet for ten days (which I fell off after eight days but I am happy for it because it made me feel really good) but that - as a side effect as I wrote about it in my blog - gave some really useful comments and mails about interesting food choices that I am now planning for - I was already glancing at the "raw food" menus but this see a bit simpler to handle - ideas from "eat for Life" that I find suitable for what I like and can afford.
I was looking forward to the autumn challenge in that team because I wanted my efforts to count for the team result. It motivated me to do better for myself.
So - when the shock and humiliation of being rejected (and yes, I think it is rude because I have not broken any rules or been unsupportive to the team) I still want to be in that kind of team for ten weeks in the autumn. Where weekly challenges are presented, where there is a time limit for the challenge and where I am accountable in a way I can handle. I donÂ´t think I can start a team like that on my own, I donÂ´t trust myself to keep it going the full ten weeks.
Then I found hat I could sign up for becoming a memeber in some other team "under the same roof" - BL teams - so I will try that first. Or maybe some of you who read this are interested to join an "autumn challenge team" for ten weeks? Send me an email and we can discuss if it is doable.
So I change my background to purple - a colour for mourning what might have been...
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