Authorities

Friday, July 06, 2012

I got a message that coach Jen had commented on my last blog... immedeatly got scared "what have I done?" I am not very good with authorities, I mostly get an automatic feeling that I might be punished for something.... I am trying to change this attitude - whenever I see a policecar I try not to look at my speedmeter - I rarely drive too fast nowadays and when I have been stopped for routine controls during my years as a driver there has very rarely been something wrong (when it has, I have known it in advance...)

I realise that I am too open in confessing weakness in my blogs, I have to admit that I live with the false security that Spark people is waaaay over the atlantic and very few swedes are in here and definitely none of the people I know,. But of course, I do not write anything that I am not ready to tell the world, there are no secrets but I would not write the same thing on my facebook - that is why I am annoyed that spark connects to my facebook with messages without me liking the group or connecting my account...

There are some people who can write really good blogs without revealing that much hardships or pain - my idol in this aspect is Mostmom, Shelli, who has a wonderful creative mind and who can write about her successes and even failures without getting boring or shallow. . I am not gifted in that way.

Yesterday responses triggered my flight reaction - whenever I feel like others think I am not ok I want to leave... I have quitted jobs, dropped out of school, moved out of relations etc. etc because I thought that nobody wanted me there. It has gotten better with age, nowadays I tell myself not to make any decision until I have given it 24 hours or so.

Those of you that have followed my blogs know that I did seek help for suicidal thoughts back in january 2010 when it became clear that my daughter was to stay with her father. It was a shock to me, I had been so sure that the court would see she belonged with me and I had not seen it coming. As I live in a family that uses suicide as the solution of extreme pain, I came very close then. But as I have also had cancer and been in chemo treatment I know for sure that I do not want to die - the problems occur when the pain of living becoimes too big to handle.

Back in 2010 I called emergency and went to see the crisis therepeut for a couple of months. I also simplified my life because I knew that I needed all my strength to survive.
– I gave up my company and became an employee - thus getting a more routinised life and a steady inflow of money.
– I sold/slaughtered my two remining horse - again becasue of economy but also to release the stress of the responsibility.
– I tried to meditate as a routine - still a struggle I have to admit.

After cancer I gave up drinking alcohol and I am very particular to get enough sleep.

All this is giving me a better ground to work from and I feel a little hurt by the advices about how to deal with suicidal thoughts. I think I am more respionsible in trying to handle this than most people. But the thing is - nothing helps that much when pain strikes. The pain of shame and sorrow erases all good things and I just want to escape it all. I am not that afraid this time, it is my "normal" emotional storm that I think I can endure and it will pass. What I want to avoid is hurting the daughter. That is the grown up me speaking, the inner child wants to hurt and punish her for not loving me enough... and this is the challenge, to handle that in the best way I can. And nobody needs to tell me that she does love me and need me, again the adult knows this. I am speaking form the emotional pain that does not allow adult opinions, that is just to scared and lonley and abandoned to listen that much.

This too shall pass and hopefully without me being to emotional towards the daughter. I am working on it. For now my feelings are best described by the last lines in Audens "Stop all the clocks":

"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

And of course that will change, as it always does...

Yesterday I found a "dog activity" day for children, ten years and older - daughter and doggy went and had a wonderful day, I think. This morning I went to the workshop with my car, something is wrong with the generator, I learned that it will cost me 5000 skr (730 USD) to fix, just as I was coming out of debt..oh well, I need to be grateful that I can fix it at all.

Have been practising juggling, I haven´t been doing that for some years and it is a little embarrassing to think about how good I could have been if I had continued to practise when I first learned...

Three performances this weekend, daughter is happy about it, I dread the heat a little, my costume is a fur so it gets kind of hot in normal weather, in summer heat my makeup will probably float away...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PARISTASAI 7/10/2012 10:23AM

Thanks for letting us in. It helps me to think that those feelings are common in others, too, and that if you can relate to others in a healthy way, so can I. Report Inappropriate Comment

SILLYHP1953 7/9/2012 3:56PM

I was probably one of the ones trying to "fix" things. You just scared me, that's all. I reread your blog after replying, and after the last paragraph I realized I had overreacted. I still have so much troublle with my own feelings that when others are able to express themselves as well as you can, I have trouble dealing with it at times. I DO think you are ok...you are one of the most OK people I know. Also, facebook should not be connected to your spark account at all unless somehow you have given it permission without being aware of it. I have facebook, too, and it is not connected to my account on here in any way. Pretty soon you'll be trying to juggle while doing the hula hoop!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

SLENDERELLA61 7/6/2012 11:03AM

You share so much. You express yourself extremely well, and in a second language, too. I feel for you. You have great wisdom, and real self awareness, and should definitely listen to yourself. Take care. Report Inappropriate Comment

INGMARIE 7/6/2012 10:30AM

Ah Meddy, dont worry too much about coach jen and her comments She is trying to help, BUT....... I agree with CHRISTINATOBIAS, Cultural differences and all they do exist I know 1st hand ,living in US being a Swede and a quite direct one.LOL Hugs to you and is it possible to maybe re-arrange the times with your daughter so you still can see her this summer,maybe shorter stays but more of them? Take care. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHRISTINASP 7/6/2012 7:27AM

Meddy, this is the first time I read one of your blog entries - I'm fairly new to Sparkpeople. After reading it I also read your last entry about the tarot and your daughter's choice. Of course I'd first read your latest entry so that may have colored my experience. But I thought the tarot entry was a very good one and that it showed some self-irony. I like it that today, you are once again open about your feelings (of disappointment about the responses you got!). I see that you are from Sweden. I'm from Holland. I think that there's a cultural difference between the people from let's say Northern Europe and Northern America. The Europeans have much more of a habit / tendency to 'speak their mind' and I've heard that Americans find us (well, the Dutch, anyway) 'too harsh' and 'too direct'. On the other hand the Europeans find American culture often too shallow and superficial. So I was thinking that maybe this cultural difference is at play here. I also think that maybe the 'official Spark' feels obliged to respoind if the word 'suicide' is mentioned. In the US many claims for damage can be made and I know from another board that they check all the posts because of fears regarding liability. Then, also, maybe for you it's more or less 'normal' or 'okay' to think about suicide and share that... but for some people it's not so 'normal' to speak about such a thing and maybe it scares them so they feel they need to 'help' you with their suggestions... Sorry this got so long. Basically I just want to say I think I understand your feelings and can relate to several points, too! Comment edited on: 7/6/2012 7:30:31 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

JOYINKY 7/6/2012 6:53AM

I do understand that pain. I am not happy with this site bleeding into facebook either. When a few relatives came on I purged my page of pictures that I didn't want to show up pinned on a family facebook page! Nothing on here or on the web for that matter; is private. A sparkmail is coming Meddy; I have things to share but I have to get my mind in the right place, soon. Be well. J. Report Inappropriate Comment

AKELAZ 7/6/2012 4:47AM

O-oh – MP! Only just caught all this and I’m so sorry for all the pain you are going thro. I saw how much you were looking forward to a summer with your daughter and the blow is plainly almost unbearable. I understand that, because I went thro so many similar things with my own children when they were young – most of it down to my husband and his very difficult personality. You need to remember - as I had to - that this is NOT a situation of your making but very hard on the kids. My ‘children’ – now adults - and I - have ended up with a great relationship – hang on to that thought for yourself and your daughter. You already turned a potentially tragic situation into a good and constructive one by finding something to make your daughter happy. That’s what we parents are for, regardless of our own feelings. I am very happy to see you on here today – glad you are still whole physically – tho not psychologically, I’m sure. You see it all - including the fact that you will cause more pain to your daughter by quitting this world than by anything else you can do. So – you are finding positive ways to act on that vision. Hold on, dear MP, and try to figure out the best and most acceptable way forward. Comment edited on: 7/6/2012 5:19:43 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

First try with Tarot...

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Got my deck of Tarot cards yesterday - have 0studied the book for a while but now I will have a better chance of practice since I can choose card randomely and try to remembewr what they meant.

This morning my daughter told me that she wants to stay in her home town, she wants to stay with her friends. I cannot handle that at all. I have been crying since and I have a lot of hoorible feelings that I want to punish her, that I want to kill myself and I feel like a cornered rat, nowhere to go. What I worry about my daughter is that she is too submissive, that she is no good at holding her own wishes, I should be proud that she speaks up and I can also understand that she dares to do so because she trusts that I love her unconditionally. But at the end of the day, I am left with me, and the severe pain of not being allowed to live with her. So I am thinking about returning to her home town, finding a job or giving it all up, I am thinking about suicide... a really great solution when the poor kid speaks her wishes, her mother immedeately stages a catastrophe...the pain is really really bad.

And that stupid Tarot deck told me to grow up... tried three cards, got death, king of swords and the hanged man... and that might sound bad for somebody that did not read the book - death shows the way to new starts, to the end of somehtin old, the henged man tells me to give up whatever is keeping me back and the king of swords speak about logic and women that are successful and strong... it can be interpreted other ways but that is positive way iof reading those cards.

This to shall pass. It is a major blow to my self esteem and happiness. I need to focus on being mature and grown up towards my daughtyer and not burden her with my feelings. This can´t be done because I am not good at hiding my feelings but I can really really try to stop my words...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KASEYCOFF 7/12/2012 3:45AM

I love Tarot cards - and I use them in the same way I read my horoscope, 'for fun' without any serious meaning. I know a man who gives himself a Tarot reading every morning, then uses whatever he interprets as a writing exercise to hone his craft - that seems like as good an inspiration generator as any other, to my mind. (And for what it's worth, to try to get the meanings of certain cards to 'stick' in your memory, the pictures themselves will help, as the various elements - everything from cups or wands to drops of water, flowers, and backgrounds can help you remember what the general idea is.) As for the situation with your daughter - you have it entirely correct. This too shall pass. She is at a stage where she needs to be part of a group. of other kids her own age with similar interests. As she matures, she will become more independent and be able to reach out to others - including you. It's hard to be patient, I know, but that time will come, and faster than you think, so give her the space and time to grow and learn to trust herself, and she will come around. Just make sure she knows the door is always open, and that you are always ready to welcome her. Report Inappropriate Comment

1_AMAZING_WOMAN 7/7/2012 12:32PM

P.S. You can always send me a private email, and I will always be there for you to talk to and to encourage you. Amber Report Inappropriate Comment

1_AMAZING_WOMAN 7/7/2012 12:30PM

I have been in the suicidal spot, and when there it is always important to reach out to someone you can actually speak to who is supportive and encouraging. On my blogs I have sometimes (very delicately) spoken of my suicidal feelings (after the fact), but not during the time I was having them because it is too overwhelming for people to deal with when there is nothing they can really do to help, but does cause them worry. We do really want to be there to support you, but you really do need someone in person to support you during those times. I know that those feelings are about not wanting to live with the pain, and often doesn't mean you actually want to do it. I know the feelings can be overwhelming, and we pull through them. You have had a lot to pull through in the past years, and this stuff with your daughter can be utterly painful. I know I wouldn't be handling this issue as well as you are, so be proud of the strength you are showing. Someday your daughter will dearly love the strength you displayed, and the love that plainly is in your heart. Amber Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARK_COACH_JEN 7/5/2012 5:02PM

The things you are saying we take very seriously. If you are really having these thoughts, you need to call a suicide and/or crisis hotline right away. There are 1-800 numbers for this type of thing, so you don't need to have somewhere local to go or long distance on your phone. If you need me to find one, let me know and I would be happy to do that for you. SparkPeople is a great place for support, but we are not equipped to deal with these kinds of issues. You need to talk to a professional who specializes in these kinds of things. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, Coach Jen Report Inappropriate Comment

SILLYHP1953 7/5/2012 4:09PM

It is ok to feel sad, it is ok to feel like the end of your world is happening, BUT IT IS NOT OK TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT. You are strong enough to deal with this pain. Your daughter will be ok. Is her father abusing her mentally, physically, emotionally, or sexually? I have a really hard time not projecting my childhood wounds onto my children...as in I think they feel the same way I did as a child. But they are different people and deal with their wounds differently than I did. The last thing your daughter needs is to deal with your suicide for the rest of her life. Maybe moving back to her hometown is an option for you and her. Are you strong enough for that? Feel the pain and LET GO OF IT. Moving is a major life event for a child, even for an adult. You are a good mother. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! It will be ok. She will be ok. You will be ok. I wish I could be there for you in person. I love you. Phyllis Report Inappropriate Comment

KAYTEETOO 7/5/2012 3:52PM

Is there someone you can talk to, your doctor or a counsellor? I hope you are okay. I used to read tarot regularly. I am not convinced it can tell you things that you don't already know on some level, or tell the future, but it does have some value. I think it can be a good tool for understanding your feelings, it can help you to bring out things that you are only subconsciously aware of. I hope you find it helpful. Report Inappropriate Comment

ANGELWENDYMAMA 7/5/2012 2:15PM

I'm sorry your daughter's wishes are so painful to you. Is there any way to compromise this year so you can see her some and then make changes for next year or next season when you are able to move or something? A child connecting to friends is a good thing.. it means good parenting helped her find herself, too. It doesn't mean she doesn't like or love you. Oh, and I do tarot.. and the cards seem right on for the situation.. Not to grow up, but to be open to change. Suicide is not the answer and you know it. Be well. Comment edited on: 7/5/2012 2:16:01 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

ELSEEBEE 7/5/2012 2:05PM

barn's burnt down; now I can see the moon -- Masahide That beautiful quote comes from.... your Spark Page! It's a wonderful idea to contemplate- the end of one thing leads to something new and even better. I think Guitarwoman said it very well. Please call someone local who can help you through this very difficult time. It is hard when our children declare their independence and yet that is the whole purpose of parenting, to teach them so they can stand on their own. I have not really studied the Tarot much, but I have read/had read cards. I look at them as a way to get our mind going to see where our problems lie and what we need to change. YOU are the only one who can control your future. Please talk with someone who can help you through this difficult period and find a way to use this time as a lesson that shows you how to live in peace and harmony. Please know that there are many of us out here who are sending much love and positive energy your way to help you through this difficult time. Please stay in touch- I do care! Report Inappropriate Comment

GUITARWOMAN 7/5/2012 4:56AM

Oh Meddy. First things first--if you are feeling suicidal, you should seriously consider asking for help. There should be a crisis line you can access or a local hospital. I don't know what to say about Tarot. I am personally not into mysticism, I think such activities should be recreational perhaps, but no real meaning should be read into them. Your daughter is a separate person from you, with her own wishes, desires, likes, dislikes, and dreams. Kind of makes sense that she wants to stay in an area that she is familiar with, with her friends. You are your own person as well, a responsible adult, and your decisions should meet your needs as best you can. Somewhere in the middle there will be a place where you and your daughter can find common ground. I could not sleep last night and woke up with a rash. I am glad I went on line so early (it is before 5 AM where I am) and saw your blog. I hope you have a better day. Report Inappropriate Comment

ASCIESZKA 7/5/2012 4:55AM

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A bag of candy

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Picked up daughter yesterday and while we still were in town I ran some errands... and got to a store next to the candy store and daughter suggested some candy. And although it was not saturday (I have learned that it is very typical swedish to have "saturday-candy" for kids and so does my daughter) we went in there and went sort of berserk and bought one big bag of candy each.... on the good side is that it took me about ten hours to finish it instead of bingeing on all at once. On the bad side is that I was really fed up after half of it but still had to eat it all.

But I have to admit that i did not enjoy it that much it is the disaease that wnts it not my taste buds that get tired after one piece...it is mor some sort of sick feeling that I want to stuff my mouth all the time.

That was yesterday, today is another great day when I am free of work and can do a lot of nice things... been out on the trampoline for a while, I get winded fast and have to do very weak movements but still I can feel that it is great for my ancles, without hurting my feet. Alsom managed to do some hiooping and since I have been off it for a while it is nice to notice that I am a lot better with it now than when I started. I am now practising to get it as low ion my butt as possible without it dropping down to my knees. It feels meaningful to prctice because I notice that my overall control gets better when I move it up and down my waist.

Got to large bills yesterday - alimoney and the lawyer...oops! I do think I have moeny enought to pay both but then I will have no reserves... one the other hand I don´t have any big bills coming up as far as I know which means that I can start putting a little aside every month until the next catastrophe arrives

I started to study the tarot yesterday and bought a deck of tarot cards that will arrive in some days. This is not meant to be "serious" in the aspect that I think that I will really read peoples (or my own) future in the cards.

Wow - wrote this yesterday and obviously never got around to posting it.... that´s what happen when daughter is in the haous, sort of unconcentrated...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILLYHP1953 7/12/2012 12:59PM

Maybe alimony means something different in Sweden, but I'm surprised you have to pay your ex-husband alimony. I do the same thing when I'm eating something bad for me, I don't really want any more after the first or second bite, but I keep eating it anyway. Report Inappropriate Comment

SWEDE_SU 7/4/2012 9:38PM

when i do something that makes me feel bad, like eat too much of something, i try to identify that feeling so that i can remember it the next time that choice comes along and think really hard about how it made me feel last time, and that i feel better without it. i know that is not always easy, but it has gradually worked for me. your gentle exercise on the trampoline sounds fun and healthy, and it must be great to be having the opportunity to hoop again! enjoy your daughter's visit and the wonderful fleeting swedish summer! Report Inappropriate Comment

JOYINKY 7/4/2012 9:15AM

Sounds like a lot going on! Enjoy your time with DD! Report Inappropriate Comment

GUITARWOMAN 7/4/2012 8:04AM

An interersting idea, "Candy Saturday." I can relate very strongly about having to finish the unhealthy food that I start. I am working on limiting what I eat if I do start binging, it kind of works, a couple of potential binge days have turned into eating high in my range days..... Enjoy your visit with your daughter! Report Inappropriate Comment

NWLIFESRC 7/4/2012 6:43AM

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25 minutes....

Monday, July 02, 2012

If I add up my exercise minutes for june and divide them in 30 I get an average of 25 minutes a day - cardio that is. That is promising, my goal for july is to reach at least the same level - started with 37 minutes yesterday on the bike but it took me forever to get around to it. This month I need to get my hooping going again. I am not motivated but daughter is coming today and that will hopefully help as she is a wizard with the hoop.

I need a class to help me with the hooping but there is none around. I could join some tutoring gorups on the net but it is not the same... oh well, lets see what I can do with some stubborness, all those positive psychology tests made it clear to me that consistance is not one of my strongest talents... what else is new?

Reading this:
www.hooping.org/2010/12/dancing-with
-dopamine-and-spinning-to-serotonin/

I am even more eager to get going with the hoop!

And this picture:



..inspired me because she looks so cool and reading her blogs ad hooping org geve me a link to this:

healthland.time.com/2011/09/26/how-u
nderstanding-drug-addiction-can-motiva
te-you-to-exercise/

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AZSKIES 7/3/2012 2:02AM

Interesting links - thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

LITTLEBO 7/2/2012 6:51PM

Maybe you should teach a hooping class in your area.....When i took line dancing, the teacher said she learned more by teaching than she did from being a student. Report Inappropriate Comment

SLENDERELLA61 7/2/2012 5:50PM

I love my hoop, but I can only hoop in one direction. When I try the other way, my eight pound hoop falls, inevitably hits my leg and leaves a bruise. So, I'll go one way. I like your getting the average cardio per day for the month and then trying to better it. Great idea! Keep up the good exercise habits and you'll see lots of benefits. Report Inappropriate Comment

MRSKATEDUVALL 7/2/2012 1:42PM

nice goals for july! enjoy your time with your daughter. Report Inappropriate Comment

GUITARWOMAN 7/2/2012 11:59AM

Nice blog, and nice aerobic minutes! Sometimes I need to give myself a figurative kick in the you know what to get going. We all do. And it usually feels better when I have got myself into forward motion! Report Inappropriate Comment

JOYINKY 7/2/2012 9:43AM

Yoga class is about all I'm willing to commit to. I just don't like being "scheduled". The heat has cut into my hooping this past week. I'll check out these links later. Need to get out and walk Sugar. Have fun hooping!! Report Inappropriate Comment

DMF2012 7/2/2012 5:13AM

Thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

SWEDE_SU 7/2/2012 4:01AM

it's good to make a commitment for the month! Report Inappropriate Comment

ANGELWENDYMAMA 7/2/2012 3:19AM

Great links! Thanks! Report Inappropriate Comment

KASEYCOFF 7/2/2012 3:00AM

I'm going to check the link you posted. As far as classes go - I hear you, hon. I haven't been looking for a hooping class, but I have been looking for a couple of other things (creative writing, for one) and there just isn't anything local. I was thinking about (it is to laff) trying to organize one, but it seems daunting, not least because I'd be seriously over-reaching. I need to BE taught, not do the teaching, lol; that'd be a major example of the blind leading the blind... Point being - have you thought about trying to start a group in your community to see what kind of interest it draws? Report Inappropriate Comment

TURTLERAE55 7/2/2012 3:00AM

Keep up the good work. Report Inappropriate Comment

New month

Sunday, July 01, 2012

This month could have started better. I simply did not get around to do anything in the morning and then I sort of postpone everything and suddenly it is evening and I have not done much.... Finally dragged myself outside and too a bike tour with dog, make me feel a lot better. The day started sunny, I was outside plying with doggy and then a heavy rain came and i thought I had missed the opportunity tio walk or bike. Bt the sun came back and I am grateful because it feels better after havein that bike tour with the dog. Now I only have to master the energy to pay the bills and I will consider this day a success... food has been ok.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SJKENT1 7/1/2012 10:18PM

and there is always tomorrow... this heat just makes everything harder! Report Inappropriate Comment

LITTLEBO 7/1/2012 10:17PM

Sometimes you just have one of those days.......... Report Inappropriate Comment

JOYINKY 7/1/2012 9:07PM

I hope your day went well! Slow going around here today too. I have to get up earlier in the morning if I'm going to get anything done fitness wise. By 9 a.m. it was already too hot when I went to walk Sugar. I'll try to get an earlier start tomorrow too. We've had a string of days in the 100's !! Hottest it's been here in my lifetime! Here's to better days ahead! Report Inappropriate Comment

MRSKATEDUVALL 7/1/2012 5:24PM

I'm having trouble being motivated to do chores, and start the month off clean and organized. Cant believe it's JULY... Report Inappropriate Comment

KASEYCOFF 7/1/2012 2:49PM

I haven't done much today either, hon, but there's always hope, ain't? Report Inappropriate Comment

GUITARWOMAN 7/1/2012 2:12PM

I am sure you can get to those bill! Report Inappropriate Comment