Friday, July 06, 2012
I got a message that coach Jen had commented on my last blog... immedeatly got scared "what have I done?" I am not very good with authorities, I mostly get an automatic feeling that I might be punished for something.... I am trying to change this attitude - whenever I see a policecar I try not to look at my speedmeter - I rarely drive too fast nowadays and when I have been stopped for routine controls during my years as a driver there has very rarely been something wrong (when it has, I have known it in advance...)
I realise that I am too open in confessing weakness in my blogs, I have to admit that I live with the false security that Spark people is waaaay over the atlantic and very few swedes are in here and definitely none of the people I know,. But of course, I do not write anything that I am not ready to tell the world, there are no secrets but I would not write the same thing on my facebook - that is why I am annoyed that spark connects to my facebook with messages without me liking the group or connecting my account...
There are some people who can write really good blogs without revealing that much hardships or pain - my idol in this aspect is Mostmom, Shelli, who has a wonderful creative mind and who can write about her successes and even failures without getting boring or shallow. . I am not gifted in that way.
Yesterday responses triggered my flight reaction - whenever I feel like others think I am not ok I want to leave... I have quitted jobs, dropped out of school, moved out of relations etc. etc because I thought that nobody wanted me there. It has gotten better with age, nowadays I tell myself not to make any decision until I have given it 24 hours or so.
Those of you that have followed my blogs know that I did seek help for suicidal thoughts back in january 2010 when it became clear that my daughter was to stay with her father. It was a shock to me, I had been so sure that the court would see she belonged with me and I had not seen it coming. As I live in a family that uses suicide as the solution of extreme pain, I came very close then. But as I have also had cancer and been in chemo treatment I know for sure that I do not want to die - the problems occur when the pain of living becoimes too big to handle.
Back in 2010 I called emergency and went to see the crisis therepeut for a couple of months. I also simplified my life because I knew that I needed all my strength to survive.
– I gave up my company and became an employee - thus getting a more routinised life and a steady inflow of money.
– I sold/slaughtered my two remining horse - again becasue of economy but also to release the stress of the responsibility.
– I tried to meditate as a routine - still a struggle I have to admit.
After cancer I gave up drinking alcohol and I am very particular to get enough sleep.
All this is giving me a better ground to work from and I feel a little hurt by the advices about how to deal with suicidal thoughts. I think I am more respionsible in trying to handle this than most people. But the thing is - nothing helps that much when pain strikes. The pain of shame and sorrow erases all good things and I just want to escape it all. I am not that afraid this time, it is my "normal" emotional storm that I think I can endure and it will pass. What I want to avoid is hurting the daughter. That is the grown up me speaking, the inner child wants to hurt and punish her for not loving me enough... and this is the challenge, to handle that in the best way I can. And nobody needs to tell me that she does love me and need me, again the adult knows this. I am speaking form the emotional pain that does not allow adult opinions, that is just to scared and lonley and abandoned to listen that much.
This too shall pass and hopefully without me being to emotional towards the daughter. I am working on it. For now my feelings are best described by the last lines in Audens "Stop all the clocks":
"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
And of course that will change, as it always does...
Yesterday I found a "dog activity" day for children, ten years and older - daughter and doggy went and had a wonderful day, I think. This morning I went to the workshop with my car, something is wrong with the generator, I learned that it will cost me 5000 skr (730 USD) to fix, just as I was coming out of debt..oh well, I need to be grateful that I can fix it at all.
Have been practising juggling, I haven´t been doing that for some years and it is a little embarrassing to think about how good I could have been if I had continued to practise when I first learned...
Three performances this weekend, daughter is happy about it, I dread the heat a little, my costume is a fur so it gets kind of hot in normal weather, in summer heat my makeup will probably float away...
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Got my deck of Tarot cards yesterday - have 0studied the book for a while but now I will have a better chance of practice since I can choose card randomely and try to remembewr what they meant.
This morning my daughter told me that she wants to stay in her home town, she wants to stay with her friends. I cannot handle that at all. I have been crying since and I have a lot of hoorible feelings that I want to punish her, that I want to kill myself and I feel like a cornered rat, nowhere to go. What I worry about my daughter is that she is too submissive, that she is no good at holding her own wishes, I should be proud that she speaks up and I can also understand that she dares to do so because she trusts that I love her unconditionally. But at the end of the day, I am left with me, and the severe pain of not being allowed to live with her. So I am thinking about returning to her home town, finding a job or giving it all up, I am thinking about suicide... a really great solution when the poor kid speaks her wishes, her mother immedeately stages a catastrophe...the pain is really really bad.
And that stupid Tarot deck told me to grow up... tried three cards, got death, king of swords and the hanged man... and that might sound bad for somebody that did not read the book - death shows the way to new starts, to the end of somehtin old, the henged man tells me to give up whatever is keeping me back and the king of swords speak about logic and women that are successful and strong... it can be interpreted other ways but that is positive way iof reading those cards.
This to shall pass. It is a major blow to my self esteem and happiness. I need to focus on being mature and grown up towards my daughtyer and not burden her with my feelings. This can´t be done because I am not good at hiding my feelings but I can really really try to stop my words...
Sunday, July 01, 2012
This month could have started better. I simply did not get around to do anything in the morning and then I sort of postpone everything and suddenly it is evening and I have not done much.... Finally dragged myself outside and too a bike tour with dog, make me feel a lot better. The day started sunny, I was outside plying with doggy and then a heavy rain came and i thought I had missed the opportunity tio walk or bike. Bt the sun came back and I am grateful because it feels better after havein that bike tour with the dog. Now I only have to master the energy to pay the bills and I will consider this day a success... food has been ok.
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