Thursday, July 10, 2014
It is daughters birthday - sang for her and made "Poor knigths of Windsor" (or french toast) for her at breakfast and had some myself too as the recipe is for two persons... very stupid start of a day that I know is going to be filled with temptations - and as the on-off person I am, the only strategy that usually works is all or nothing...
Maybe my salvation was with lunch - made spare-ribs in the oven for daughter and when they were done I really faltered - knowing that she would not eat it all and looking at that wonderful wonderful meat with crust and... ehhh, I really thought that it would be the end - but 28 days is something to defend so I have managed to put the leftovers in the fridge for daugher to have later... as she was eating - and I had my nice chilled gazpacho - a friend texted, they had agreed to go to the beach together so I had to drive her to the meet-up-place. She left her plate unfinished and said she would finish it when she comes home...I admit that I look really greedily on her alredy eaten ribbone.... wanted to gnaw it totally clean but gave it to doggy instead...
As I was driving daughter, brother phoned and said he would come by so I hurried to make the cake ready as I was waiting for him... also helped me to be in a hurry to put those ribs away.
He came and I gave him coffee and cake - and did not have any myself. I still donīt know if I will manage to stay away the rest of the day, sister comes in the evening and there will be a little celebration with cake again - but even if I have some then it will be a little less than if I had eaten a piece when brother was here and had I done that I would definitely eat again later because "all is lost" It is all very weird and totally sick and I have to remind myself all the time that I am not hungry, it is "just" the disease that screams for more calories than I need.
And at the same time that I am really proud that I managed to stay away from those ribs I am sort of regretful ifi I had given in I could have gave up and resigned and accepted yet another failure"... after doing this I have prooved to myself that I CAN do this, no excuse to eat meat tomorrow... or the day after ... or... scares me, I canīt see myself in a future where I donīt eat meat. OR - for that matter - where I am at a healthy wieght.
Anyway, dear daughter is turning fourteen - hooray - we have celebrated by practicing facepainting - the result:
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
By now my meatless days has become (in my eyes) so impressively many that they are worth defending. Meaning that when craving and temptation strikes one of my stopping arguments are "Do I really want to "destroy" the streak I have managed so far?" In this case my black-and-white personality serves me, I use it to stay away. Deep down I know of course that the "just this once" - argument my sick mind tries to claim is nonsense, if I eat meat now it will be a relapse that I donīt know how long it will last, but I am sure that it will take a lot longer to get back on the wagon then I estimate...
What I am also learning is that it is a big difference with this action compared to my other efforts with weight and food - whenever I try to reduce calories, increase exercise, going on "diets" or something like it - I donīt have this horrible feeling of "never more" that this getting off meat gives. When I long for meat I realise that I am on a "Never more"-journey and I despair and get sad and scared because I will never make it!
This is when I have good use of my sobriety - because these were the exact feelings nine years ago when gave up on alcohol. It was confusing and scaring and whenever I thought that I would have to stay with it for the rest of my life I got terrified and overwhelmed by the thought that someone like me could NEVER do that... So I stopped thinking about it and just moved on, one day at the time. And the days passed and turned into moths. And then into years. And after the first moths I had accustomed and hardly thought about it, the longing for the "laid-back, good life" that alcohol symbolized vanished and I found new interests and new friends.
So I am doing the same process with meat and getting a little more confident every day that I am okay with it (although it still terrifies me to think "never more" so I have to push that thought away)
But to become as healthy as I can be it is not enough to take away meat - I have not lost any weight during these first days, mainly because I have not thought at all of what I have been eating as long as it was not meat.
I realise that I have to incorporate a healthy regime just as I took away alcohol and meat. And I have to accept the same idea about myself - that I am not the kind of person that can be easy on these things - just as I discipline myself to go to work I will have to discipline myself to take good care of myself in all aspects - nutrition exercise, rest, stimulation, play, inspiration. By now I do have all the tools but I am still very scared to even try because I fear failing too much.
ANd now something completely different - my daughter has been on this music camp for a week, they were interviewed on the radio yesterday and this is a picture from that interview (daughter is the shorthaired girl to the right):
Today is final day and a concert will be given, I will soon be driving there - not looking forward to the driven we have a heatwave going on and it is an hour away... but i am really looking forward to see and hear her. "Popkollo" is a national organisation that works for getting more girls engaged into "band" playing. In this camp 20 girls have formed five bands, written their own music and are going to perform it today... my daughter chose to play bass guitar this time, last time she did the keyboard (which is the instrument she plays at home) and I am very proud that she dares to try something new. I am also very proud of myself for finding this activity, saving the money to pay for her and giving it to her.
She is turning 14 this Thursday and I have told her that the camp was my birthday gift... I am not sure she really believes it because I mostly can+īt resist to give her more things, but this time I donīt have that much more, some small things only... How she will like it anyway.
Yesterday I also finished the psalm that I had to deliver to the "psalmforum" I have been invited to in the end of august - somebody else will now put music to my lyrics and it is very exciting. To be honest I am not that satisfied with my text, I have been blocked writing and I think it did not turn out as beautiful as I have wished. WHat I need to do is to write more on a daily basis - to keep my writing skills "exercised"...
Right now I am listening to the musical "Notre Dame the Paris" in french I think we could make something interesting out of this plot in "my" theatre although I donīt know how yet. The plot is somehow confused but that makes it possible for us to change it as we please... I want to be Quasimodo!
Friday, July 04, 2014
Yes, I am still on the no-meatwagon and it is still very hard. I have also added icecream and candy to the no-nos but have not counted days on those. I realise that I will have a problem with the "No meat" rule when it comes to breakfast. Standard breakfast o me is coffee and homebaked wholewheat bread with smoked ham on - I also have smoked salmon on but that is rather luxury - and cheese is not good to keep in the house as it is a temptation to overeat...I will have to establish another breakfast but from earlier attempts I know that it is hard to keep that up.
I have not done much of my renovation work that was the big thing after driving daughter to music camp... instead I have been sitting with the sewing machine, making some sort of weird "pedagogic" thing form daughters halfsisters daughter. She was born jan 2013 had a twin sister that died in the womb and had to be delivered three month early - it is still not known how disabled she will be, she is very late, can roll from back to stomach today and "jump" in a babyswing and make noises that means different things. She is almost deaf and wears hearing aids and seems to be okay intellectually - but we will see. I bought a doll from a company that specialize in toys and stuff for children with extra needs - and then daughter said that the baby girls would probably be most interested in the little tag with the washing instruction - so I made a piece of cloth with a lot of tags with different colours and structures for her. And then I made developed that piece of cloth into a bag that can be a "sleeping bag" for the doll, or filled with a sweater and serve as travel pillow since the backside is soft and furry, and has buckles for making it a little backpack too. The idea is to make a little story to every item and tag, that will also extend the use of this not so beautiful thing... the doll was expensive, the bag was free - only working hours and I had a lot of fun:
Exercising has been low also - and when I took out doggy cycleharness yesterday his reaction really made me feel bad - he was almost dying from happiness! He is always happy when we are to go out biking but this showed me that he has been really bored these days when I have been sort of apatic. The bikingtour was hardly any exercise for me, the dog was so enthusiastic that he towed med along in full speed almost all thirty minutes we were out.
So this morning my conscience is clean, have already been out on a tour with him. My friend has gone to row some vikingship in Norway, and in her absence I have asked to nick her morningpaper and as she lives perfectly fifteen minutes bike tour away it was a good morning activity. After all the raining the sun is finally out this morning so I also need to get the lawn mowed as soon as I think it is decent to do it regarding the neighbours wake up time...
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