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29 Support would be appreciated!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

It is daughters birthday - sang for her and made "Poor knigths of Windsor" (or french toast) for her at breakfast – and had some myself too as the recipe is for two persons... very stupid start of a day that I know is going to be filled with temptations - and as the on-off person I am, the only strategy that usually works is all or nothing...

Maybe my salvation was with lunch - made spare-ribs in the oven for daughter and when they were done I really faltered - knowing that she would not eat it all and looking at that wonderful wonderful meat with crust and... ehhh, I really thought that it would be the end - but 28 days is something to defend so I have managed to put the leftovers in the fridge for daugher to have later... as she was eating - and I had my nice chilled gazpacho - a friend texted, they had agreed to go to the beach together so I had to drive her to the meet-up-place. She left her plate unfinished and said she would finish it when she comes home...I admit that I look really greedily on her alredy eaten ribbone.... wanted to gnaw it totally clean but gave it to doggy instead...

As I was driving daughter, brother phoned and said he would come by so I hurried to make the cake ready as I was waiting for him... also helped me to be in a hurry to put those ribs away.

He came and I gave him coffee and cake - and did not have any myself. I still donīt know if I will manage to stay away the rest of the day, sister comes in the evening and there will be a little celebration with cake again - but even if I have some then it will be a little less than if I had eaten a piece when brother was here – and had I done that I would definitely eat again later because "all is lost" It is all very weird and totally sick and I have to remind myself all the time that I am not hungry, it is "just" the disease that screams for more calories than I need.

And at the same time that I am really proud that I managed to stay away from those ribs I am sort of regretful ifi I had given in I could have gave up and resigned and accepted yet another failure"... after doing this I have prooved to myself that I CAN do this, no excuse to eat meat tomorrow... or the day after ... or... scares me, I canīt see myself in a future where I donīt eat meat. OR - for that matter - where I am at a healthy wieght.

Anyway, dear daughter is turning fourteen - hooray - we have celebrated by practicing facepainting - the result:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERRYJO1 7/10/2014 9:29PM

  So open and truthful about a struggle that we all face at different times! And you won this round! Yea, good for you! And Happy 14 to your precious daughter. emoticon

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LOPEYP 7/10/2014 10:46AM

    You did awesome! Way to go!!

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JOYINKY 7/10/2014 10:09AM

    Sounds to me like a great day! You and your daughter have such fun together; a blessing to you both! I love the face painting!
The breakfast wasn't so bad, depending on portion control and what you topped it with. The cake was fine too; my downfall is at the end of the day, if everyone is gone and the cake remains. Then, I cave. That's why it's best for me to give it away immediately at the end of a celebration; so hard for me to pitch food! But even that would be the healthier choice.
I really never expected to be a healthy weight again. That has been a result of deciding to make healthier choices both in food and activity; the weight came off very slowly and my life has changed. You are getting there; it only has to be one day at a time!

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2014TODAY 7/10/2014 9:25AM

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I know that kind of thoughts, and yes they do drive a person crazy. Hang in there. You will find your way.

Congratulations with your daughter's birthday! The pic of the faces really makes me grin!

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28 Time-out-time...or?

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

So I am on my second day of eating perfect... meaning that I have planned my food and not eaten out of my plan.

Tomorrow is daughters birthday. It is a very austere birthday, the "big" gift was the camp she just finished and it will only be her and me - sister will come in the evening and then she will have some small gifts from her as well - her "big" gift is to drive around the area and visit a lot of flea markets (daughter loves them) all friday and pay for a reasonable amount of stuff that daughter might find...

We were invited to the theatre as one of the volunteers (a girl from Switzerland) is leaving and she is giving a small party - and then I suddenly remembered that I have bought tickets to a student theater tomorrow night.

The problem is the cake that daughter wants. There will be a lot of cake and not a lot of people to eat it... and I was thinking that I should eat some as a celebration and as I really donīt think I will stay away from cake for the rest of my life - but as I am writin this I realise that I really donīt need any cake tomorrow, had it been alcohol I would not have thought that "a time-out" from the things I am trying to achieve was okay.

It is really really hot - + 30 C and this is not what we are used to in Sweden. Daughter has gone to play games with the organisation I found last year - I will go get her later and I hope to combine it with a visit to the indoor pool - although leaving the car in the sun there while I swim is not an option I like, my airconditioning is broke. But I need to do some exercise, my ancles are swelling...and it is really to hot to go biking.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYINKY 7/9/2014 3:34PM

    My problem with cake if it's in my house is that I don't stop with one piece. I do enjoy a piece when I'm at someone else's house without it throwing me off. I agree, you know yourself well and will be fine if you base your choice on what you know. Be well.

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CJ-TODAY 7/9/2014 1:55PM

    Reading your blog my thought is that it may be a good idea to just not have a 'time out'. Indeed if this was alcohol (or meat?) you probably would not take one, I think...

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AJDOVER1 7/9/2014 12:36PM

    You know yourself very well.
I wish you the best.

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MAGIK0731 7/9/2014 9:49AM


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27 Ancora Imparo!

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

By now my meatless days has become (in my eyes) so impressively many that they are worth defending. Meaning that when craving and temptation strikes one of my stopping arguments are "Do I really want to "destroy" the streak I have managed so far?" In this case my black-and-white personality serves me, I use it to stay away. Deep down I know of course that the "just this once" - argument my sick mind tries to claim is nonsense, if I eat meat now it will be a relapse that I donīt know how long it will last, but I am sure that it will take a lot longer to get back on the wagon then I estimate...

What I am also learning is that it is a big difference with this action compared to my other efforts with weight and food - whenever I try to reduce calories, increase exercise, going on "diets" or something like it - I donīt have this horrible feeling of "never more" that this getting off meat gives. When I long for meat I realise that I am on a "Never more"-journey and I despair and get sad and scared because I will never make it!

This is when I have good use of my sobriety - because these were the exact feelings nine years ago when gave up on alcohol. It was confusing and scaring and whenever I thought that I would have to stay with it for the rest of my life I got terrified and overwhelmed by the thought that someone like me could NEVER do that... So I stopped thinking about it and just moved on, one day at the time. And the days passed and turned into moths. And then into years. And after the first moths I had accustomed and hardly thought about it, the longing for the "laid-back, good life" that alcohol symbolized vanished and I found new interests and new friends.

So I am doing the same process with meat and getting a little more confident every day that I am okay with it (although it still terrifies me to think "never more" so I have to push that thought away)

But to become as healthy as I can be it is not enough to take away meat - I have not lost any weight during these first days, mainly because I have not thought at all of what I have been eating as long as it was not meat.

I realise that I have to incorporate a healthy regime just as I took away alcohol and meat. And I have to accept the same idea about myself - that I am not the kind of person that can be easy on these things - just as I discipline myself to go to work I will have to discipline myself to take good care of myself in all aspects - nutrition exercise, rest, stimulation, play, inspiration. By now I do have all the tools but I am still very scared to even try because I fear failing too much.

ANd now something completely different - my daughter has been on this music camp for a week, they were interviewed on the radio yesterday and this is a picture from that interview (daughter is the shorthaired girl to the right):

Today is final day and a concert will be given, I will soon be driving there - not looking forward to the driven we have a heatwave going on and it is an hour away... but i am really looking forward to see and hear her. "Popkollo" is a national organisation that works for getting more girls engaged into "band" playing. In this camp 20 girls have formed five bands, written their own music and are going to perform it today... my daughter chose to play bass guitar this time, last time she did the keyboard (which is the instrument she plays at home) and I am very proud that she dares to try something new. I am also very proud of myself for finding this activity, saving the money to pay for her and giving it to her.

She is turning 14 this Thursday and I have told her that the camp was my birthday gift... I am not sure she really believes it because I mostly can+īt resist to give her more things, but this time I donīt have that much more, some small things only... How she will like it anyway.

Yesterday I also finished the psalm that I had to deliver to the "psalmforum" I have been invited to in the end of august - somebody else will now put music to my lyrics and it is very exciting. To be honest I am not that satisfied with my text, I have been blocked writing and I think it did not turn out as beautiful as I have wished. WHat I need to do is to write more on a daily basis - to keep my writing skills "exercised"...

Right now I am listening to the musical "Notre Dame the Paris" in french I think we could make something interesting out of this plot in "my" theatre although I donīt know how yet. The plot is somehow confused but that makes it possible for us to change it as we please... I want to be Quasimodo!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYINKY 7/8/2014 11:16AM

    You have the tools, the understanding and the plan. You only have to follow through one day at a time! Part of that for me has been learning not to let the choices and pressures from others sway me. Less of a problem today as they accept this is who I am now.

Streaks are great motivators, I've gone to extreme at times to keep my hoop streak going because "just this once" means starting over at "day 1" and letting go of "day 588".

You lead such an interesting life and have so many talents! You are spot on giving your daughter gifts of experiences! Those she will always have with her and she too will become an interesting woman with amazing opportunities! emoticon

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INGMARIE 7/8/2014 9:22AM

    emoticon you are doing great, quite a versatile woman, all those different skills , it is just great. emoticon

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NANCYPAT1 7/8/2014 6:29AM

    You are doing a great job - take care of yourself and be kind as well. You can do this - especially if you could take on other MAJOR challenges like alcoholism.

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2014TODAY 7/8/2014 5:35AM

    I'm very hesitant / reluctant to recommend anything as I feel I can only really do so after a certain 'method' has worked for me and I'm at goal weight and maintaining for a longer period of time. That is not the case, as you well know. So forgive me, please. Still, I am wondering if maybe reading the book 'Eat to Live' would be helpful for you.
This is because I hear that you're struggling so with not eating meat. My thought is: if it's a struggle for you anyway, why not take it a bit further and follow the recommendations in that book and experience a lot of health benefits rather soon.
I followed ETL two years ago for 12 weeks (and, admittedly, then 'gave up' because it was pretty hard to change my ways, but I believe you are better able than me to make big changes in order to lose weight). In those 12 weeks my blood pressure, which had been too high, came down to normal. I lost weight, too be it not as spectacular as some other people who do ETL report.
I did a similar program in 2005 and lost 50 lbs in about 6 months and felt very good and energetic. Then I started 'altering'the method, not realizing it consciously and that led to losing some of the benefits, and in the end to me giving up on the program. With the information I got from ETL I think I could (maybe) have continued and kept the weight off.

The thing is that the book states that ETL works for many health complaints. It states that it can help reverse diabetes, heart disease and a whole list of other complaints. It also explans WHY. So if your goal is to stop the problems with your foot and legs, and also to cut out meat, maybe the information in the book could at least inspire you. This program was designed for people who have health problems and are unable to exercise much.

Comment edited on: 7/8/2014 5:40:45 AM

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24 Deadlock...

Saturday, July 05, 2014

It seems that I sometimes get hit by a "deadlock" and become paralyzed - it is common concerning being too late paying bills, if I am overdue I get paralyzed and do nothing until itīs really late and I have to do many saltomortals to get it right again...

I am in a face-bookgroup for giving away things in my area. It is very practical, I make a post of the thing I want to give away and people answer and the the taker an me goes private to agree on details. Do far I have given away kitchen furniture and books - but I have many more things to declutter my house from...

I have also been the taker - a door for my "guestroom project" and some fence material, and windows. I have picked the things up as agreed. But last week a woman gave away a chair and I was the only person wanting it. The one I have (also a gift) is breaking down... so we agreed that I would post her last sunday before coming to pick that chair up - and I completely forgot it! Remembered it monday evening - and went into deadlock! Instead of posting and explaining I just ducked and kept silent... And felt bad. It has taken me four days to be able to post her, excusing myself and expressing my bad feeling for causing her trouble - and the burden is of course lifted at once.

It is a mystery to me why I did not deal with that the minute I realised I had forgotten. I know I will have to do it or stay away from that group forever or be even more rude and ignore any questions or posts from this unknown lady. And even if I knew I would get away with it and it would never come back to bite me – it would squalor my karma and I don+t want that.

Doing my sewing projects I have been listening to the radio and there are some programs concerning numbers and measures - about the fact that we measure ourselves a lot more nowadays and what impact that might have on us.

And there is a guy who suffered from depression on and off and found that he could influence his mood if he tracked it and shared it. So he created the site "moodscope" where everybody kan join in, create an account and start to track their mood. I have signed up and my first tracking showed that I was "43 %" between low and high - a little under half... this morning I was 46 % and I know that number was influenced by my deadlock. As I have "Released" it now it will be interesting to see if it changes tomorrow - the other thing that I know is heavy on my mood is if I "do good" with food and exercise or not.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OOLALA53 7/6/2014 2:40PM

    We are so much alike! I go into deadlock even more about certain things than I used to. But I can't let myself get caught up in the downward thought spiral with that. Like eating habits, it's only a small part of us.

Have missed you!

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AJDOVER1 7/5/2014 3:53PM

    I've done that sort of thing too many times to count. The paralysis is inexplicable. I just realized, though, that I haven't been caught in such a deadlock for some time. I wonder what has changed in me? I don't believe it was a sudden change. This is definitely something I've got to think about....

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LIVE_AMAZINGLY 7/5/2014 11:59AM

    I'm the type to wait till the last minute, then rush like crazy, creating a lot of overwhelming stress for myself, but so far I've never been late. Sometimes the stress gets bad enough that I have to go lay down for a few minutes afterwards, cause I've cut it that close.

Comment edited on: 7/5/2014 12:01:38 PM

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JOYINKY 7/5/2014 10:10AM

    I think your work on knowing yourself and getting to know patterns is part of your becoming the person you want to be. It gives direction to your growth and change. Years ago, I used to chart my good/bad days and am convinced they were triggered hormonal. That was helpful to me because I recognized I rarely had more than 3 really bad days in a row; it gave me strength to hold on, knowing there were better days ahead. Today, I am thankfully off that rollercoaster. Not through my effort, my body is just a lot friendlier. :)
I'm better about the deadlocks too; but still have them. Taxes used to be a big one, the reward of getting them done early has finally won. I have two others on my list right now--work on my driveway, and having my car serviced. The block is anticipated inconvience and unknown cost. Time and money lost. But, it still needs to be done! Be well.

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NANCYPAT1 7/5/2014 6:05AM

    I also find myself slipping into that same kind of deadlock - it is as though I am embarrassed but instead of facing that embarrassment, I make it worse and worse and then feel like a HUGE idiot. I wish I could resolve it easily but I often find I don't even recognize it until it is REALLY late.

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CJ-TODAY 7/5/2014 3:49AM

    Interesting... My husband has that kind of deadlock frequently. I was reading about 'personality disorders' recently and thought that it resembles (from afar) the 'cluster C' personality type, 'avoidant personality disorder'. Not that I'd call this a disorder but I did recognize some of the traits.

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23 Biking with doggy

Friday, July 04, 2014

Yes, I am still on the no-meatwagon – and it is still very hard. I have also added icecream and candy to the no-nos but have not counted days on those. I realise that I will have a problem with the "No meat" rule when it comes to breakfast. Standard breakfast o me is coffee and homebaked wholewheat bread with smoked ham on - I also have smoked salmon on but that is rather luxury - and cheese is not good to keep in the house as it is a temptation to overeat...I will have to establish another breakfast but from earlier attempts I know that it is hard to keep that up.

I have not done much of my renovation work – that was the big thing after driving daughter to music camp... instead I have been sitting with the sewing machine, making some sort of weird "pedagogic" thing form daughters halfsisters daughter. She was born jan 2013 had a twin sister that died in the womb and had to be delivered three month early - it is still not known how disabled she will be, she is very late, can roll from back to stomach today and "jump" in a babyswing and make noises that means different things. She is almost deaf and wears hearing aids and seems to be okay intellectually - but we will see. I bought a doll from a company that specialize in toys and stuff for children with extra needs - and then daughter said that the baby girls would probably be most interested in the little tag with the washing instruction - so I made a piece of cloth with a lot of tags with different colours and structures for her. And then I made developed that piece of cloth into a bag that can be a "sleeping bag" for the doll, or filled with a sweater and serve as travel pillow since the backside is soft and furry, and has buckles for making it a little backpack too. The idea is to make a little story to every item and tag, that will also extend the use of this not so beautiful thing... the doll was expensive, the bag was free - only working hours and I had a lot of fun:

Exercising has been low also - and when I took out doggy cycleharness yesterday his reaction really made me feel bad - he was almost dying from happiness! He is always happy when we are to go out biking but this showed me that he has been really bored these days when I have been sort of apatic. The bikingtour was hardly any exercise for me, the dog was so enthusiastic that he towed med along in full speed almost all thirty minutes we were out.

So this morning my conscience is clean, have already been out on a tour with him. My friend has gone to row some vikingship in Norway, and in her absence I have asked to nick her morningpaper and as she lives perfectly fifteen minutes bike tour away it was a good morning activity. After all the raining the sun is finally out this morning so I also need to get the lawn mowed as soon as I think it is decent to do it regarding the neighbours wake up time...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYINKY 7/5/2014 1:07AM

    I love the baby gift! Both the doll and the bag, thoughtful! Sounds like you are doing well. All is well here, tired; but it's been a busy day.

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AJDOVER1 7/4/2014 7:06PM

    As I read this it occurred to me that when I make an effort to remove something from my life, I have more success when I replace it or simply add something (not necessarily equivalent). Have you thought of something entirely different for breakfast? My morning meal is a "green drink" primarily kale, protein powder and a bit of fruit.

Your baby gift is so precious and thoughtful!

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LIVE_AMAZINGLY 7/4/2014 1:24PM

    The other day I said to my 2 doggies, "should we go out for a walk". And, the one got so excited he literally screamed for happiness. So, I fully understand when you talk about how happy a dog gets after not being taken out for awhile. And yes, the one really pulled for awhile!

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KITT52 7/4/2014 6:58AM

    very cute

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CJ-TODAY 7/4/2014 4:56AM

    Oh, WOW Meddy you are soooo creative! I wish I knew how to use a sewing machine. I love the bag! What do you mean not-so-beautiful! My guess is that the energy that was involved making the bag will make it very attractive to a baby / small child.

With regard to the meat cravings: I wonder if maybe trying to eat LOTS of vegetables would help. If the body is flooded with nutrients it may drop the cravings.

Comment edited on: 7/4/2014 4:57:32 AM

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