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Soul "Food"...Just what this girl needed!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Saturday was, in my eyes, a perfect summer day. The sky was the just right shade of blue with white fluffy cotton ball clouds. The temps in the upper 80's but low humidity and an awesome breeze all day long.,...ahhhhh!

I ATE IT UP! I inhaled it, absorbed it & embraced it to the very end. I relaxed outside with a book, soaking up the sun. Both did wonders for my heart and mind. Later took a walk on one of my favorite trails with my 16 y/o son. He jogged. I walked, just taking in the sights & sounds...the birds singing, the breeze blowing through the trees, the water running over the rocks down the little creek...just feeling it...thinking. Then more reading outside in the evening with the breeze until the skeeters came to feast on me, lol.

These last couple weeks have been draining (emotionally with the personal stuff) & stressful (work). My eating has been horrible and my exercise even dropped off (again). I NEEDED yesterday so badly...to recharge...to refill my heart and soul with the good stuff.

I really have to take the time to feed my soul much more often. It doesnt take much...Im easy, lol! The sun on my face (or shoulders), the sounds of nature (birds, katydids, peepers), waves crashing, a babbling creek, a nice breeze, a healing book, beautiful scenery, long drives with windows down & music UP, family time, laughter, connecting with God...my list could go on and on. Are you feeding your soul??

So, I am recharged and ready...back on my feet...a bit sunburned...taking baby steps, but moving forward again after a brief detour...and SMILING baby! =)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TALLGUY42 7/18/2011 12:20AM

    Sounds like a rather amazing way to recharge. I wish that we had more "natural" areas where I live. I would love to experience such a day.

Kudos to your son for keeping you company.

Glad you're feeling refreshed and less stressed. Keep smiling!
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REYVE01 7/17/2011 8:43PM

    emoticon That sounded peaceful.

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MARTY728 7/17/2011 8:41PM

    Refresh, recharge and keep Sparking!

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EMILYULM1 7/17/2011 2:58PM

    Sounds like a wonderful day. We are kindred spirits that way. I need the sun and I need a good book to read!! The sun in calling me today in my back yard, but I have to head to work in a couple of hours. I'm sorry that you've been going through so much emotional stuff lately, but happy you could take a day to recharge. You deserve it. It's amazing how filling to the soul a day in nature can be. I think of you often and am thrilled for these good days for you. I know the bad ones come to us all, but it's nice to hear when the good ones come along.

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JBARSTOW 7/17/2011 10:09AM

    That sounds like paradise. Glad you got the chance to recharge your batteries!

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How BIG would my bank account be? How SMALL would my waistline be...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

...if I didnt buy and eat CRAP??? Just the crap...the fast food junk...all the goodies in the grocery stores...all the things I DIDNT need. I have to wonder and then feel pretty disgusted at the amount of money spent on putting "food" in my mouth that was not needed. How much has my "habit", my "medication" cost me? Not just financially but on the scale as well.

I pondered this as I had finished up a Big Mac (with fries) and then moved on to a frozen Snickers ice cream bar last night...ok 2 bars. AHHHHHHH WTH am I doing?!?!?!?!?!? Why dont I care in those moments??? It may be time to get that scale out...earlier than I planned. I dont seem to be doing well so far without it...Im afraid =(

This weekend was rough on the emotions. I found out a girlfriend of mine has been being physically and mentally abused by her boyfriend...the heartbreak is big. She has been thru so much in her life as well. Such a loving, sweet woman who has so much to give and has had so much taken from her. She struggles with not feeling worthy. I held her and cried with her and did my best to convince her SHE IS WORTHY of so much better.

It stirred so much up inside me...not good stuff. My eating has been horrible and I know I need to stop this now. But Im not going to lie...all I want to do right now is comfort with food and I HATE that Im feeling like this. Im not feeling strong right now. Have been avoiding the site and I know thats not good for me. So here I am...spilling the beans on me and my behavior...praying that just getting this out will get me out of the ditch I veered off into and back on the path I need to be on.

Hoping...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRESKA 7/16/2011 5:24AM

    i agree with lucy and a lot of other comments on here. its easy to stay away from spark when your feeling low like that. i am glad your still even checking in! dont let the bad feelings rob you of your accomplishments though. you are working on yourself and are prob a lot further along that you were when you started. so thats something.
your friend is in an unfortunate situation. but you cant let yourself feel responsible for her. she is a big girl and needs to realize only she has the power to change her situation. YOU have your own life to deal with. keep your chin up and clean out your cubboards. and freezer. and dont bring anymore crap in. at least till you are in a better state of mind. its easier said than done. but its a start. i cleaned out mine and still bought a couple grab bags later. lol but at least its a start and i am trying to get back on track. cause your right . its money wasted and you still feel hungry! boo!
((((hugs)))) from alaska! keep on keep'n on friend!!!

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LUCYLU22 7/13/2011 4:10PM

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend! It tears at the heart and the soul when friends that we love have such terrible things happen. I feel for you and your friend, and understand the need for "comfort" food. It is also easier sometimes to stay away from Spark when we are hurting and eating too much, but I have found that the support is so great from the site, and my sparkfriends, that it is almost easier to come here and work through the issue instead of staying away. Best wishes to both you and your friend during this time of turmoil, I hope things work out for the best!

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REYVE01 7/13/2011 2:19PM

    I know what you mean about not caring in the moment. I really believe that the food addiction is related to self worthiness. When I gained my 75 pounds about six years ago, it was all related to the disappointment in myself and lack of worthiness I felt. That is what also allowed me to do nothing about it the next 6 years. When I finally started this journey in Jan 2011, I felt the struggle between what I wanted and what I deserved. The more I put into this journey, the more I start to feel worthy. I've started to forgive myself and believe in myself again.

I gained 4.5 pounds on Vacation ( being back at home in California for 10 days) I struggled with old family issues, old pains and fears, especially self worth....but I've already lost 3 in 3 days being back home (in Colorado now). I went back to tracking and exercise. Money is an issue... but it is more about believing we desearve better for ourself.

Keep reaching out, keep blogging and keep starting over when you slip up. The more you start over, the easier it will be to not slip up. NEVER GIVE UP, evenif you start over every day.

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MARTY728 7/13/2011 2:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELAINEROSE5 7/13/2011 11:23AM

    I read this article on another friend's spark page. We all know the stuff is bad for us, but still struggle to stay away from it. Some of the things I have read on Spark have really helped me to understand the "rewiring of the brain" that this doctor talks about in this article. Hope you like it.


http://www.washingtonpo
st.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2
009/04/26/AR2009042602711.html

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KNITTR1 7/13/2011 11:07AM

    ONe day at a time. One choice at a time. One bite (or no bite) at a time. If you get overwhelmed, you will give up -- at least, I tend to.

So do one thing. Eliminate one Snickers bar, or one other "bad" thing. Do one thing that is good for you. Pick something manageable.

And tie another knot in the rope and hang in there!

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BETHANY198325 7/13/2011 9:05AM

    You and I are in similar places right now! I've been trying to get back to a good place health wise, but my life events are not helping me to do so. Don't beat yourself up too much...we ALL have times where we don't do perfectly. The point is not to win every battle, but just to keep fighting. And I find that coming to the site, reading blogs, reading articles, looking at success stories, can be a great way to get me back on track...so don't avoid the site! Even if you can't face the tracker, we are here for you, and won't judge if you're not perfect...so stay with us! :)

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MDBUTTERFLY 7/13/2011 7:54AM

    Thank you for your comments and support...it means so much =)

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PATTILYNN224 7/12/2011 3:07PM

  Shake it off Debbi. Get yourself ready for the next go around.
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EMILYULM1 7/12/2011 11:08AM

    Keep blogging - keep being real. I think that being real and honest and knowing that people still love you will make all the difference in the world. I was looking at a picture of myself last night where I was quite overweight, and I showed my husband. He said that I am a lot smaller now. But then he finished it by saying that I am still a cutie in that picture. He truly loved me no matter what size I was (am). And that is helpful. I truly love you (and I'm sure others do too - your kids, for example) no matter what size you are and how much you weigh.
I think it's bit of human nature to not want to tell people about what we percieve as our failures. I went to a family wedding this weekend, and I ate so much food and so many calories. I didn't want to come back weighing more than I did before I left....but I did gain. And I know why - it was the chocolate bars, the cookies, the mcdonald's meals, the second helpings of prime rib and mashed potatoes. The thing is, today is a new day, so I can start again. So can you. Every day is new and every day we learn from the last day. Really try to track your foods and if you know that sitting in front of the TV makes you eat more, than stop that for just a little while. Do something else with your hands - like sewing or painting or anything else that you can do and eat at the same time. But no matter what, it will happen. I promise. You can do this. You are worth it.

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 7/12/2011 11:02AM

    Wish I could tell you it gets easier down the road. I'm been doing this for two years now, every single waking minute of every single day is still a struggle for me. But on Friday, I will have been at or below my goal for 3 months! Doesn't sound like much, but it's HUGE to me.
I have simply resigned myself to the fact that it will always be a struggle. But I remind myself of how much I love being here--at a normal size--and it is all worth it.
I try to remember that I am in control, I have the power to decide what I want to be. This includes power over what I am stuffing in my mouth. I'll be the first to admit I'm not always successful, and some days are better than others. But every morning I get up with new determination to make it a GOOD DAY.
My advice is to keep coming to Spark. Maybe when you get the urge to snack in the evening, get on the computer and surf Spark for motivation. I know when I come here EVERY SINGLE DAY I get inspiration and that motivates me to keep going.
Good Luck!

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KAMAPERRY 7/12/2011 10:55AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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YELLOWDAHLIA 7/12/2011 10:06AM

    For me, weightloss and saving money definitely went hand in hand.
I was spending a lot of money on fast food, candy and various other snacks every day.
One of the first things I did when I started my weightloss plan was take my lunch to work- it was hard at first because I was used to fast food/ deli food. So in the beginning I would throw away my lunch and go get fast food anyway. At some point I got really disgusted with myself for the money I was wasting and for the fact that I wasn't sticking to my plan.
When I finally started really sticking to my plan I opened a savings account....100 lbs lost & $7,000 in savings now!
I'm single, live alone and have a very low paying job (starting pay was minimum wage 8 years ago)- so this was quite an accomplishment.

All those goodies/fast food etc.. really do add up!!!

Comment edited on: 7/12/2011 10:08:18 AM

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ROCKYCPA 7/12/2011 9:44AM

    It is hard but you have support here on SparkPeople - you can do it. Just take it slow and easy - big changes are hard to do.

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JANET552 7/12/2011 9:02AM

    I too struggle to be consistent. I too eat my feelings. You'll find your way. I have great faith in you and in me too.

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FUNKDW 7/12/2011 9:01AM

    You can do it....Believe in yourself.

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Learning to put the ACTION to the DESIRE

Saturday, July 09, 2011

So…I used to be a list maker….a planner. It helped me to get it out of my head and down in black & white. I liked to have a plan and liked to feel somewhat in control of things. When my life turned upside-down over 5 years ago, well, my lists stopped…my planning stopped…my dreaming stopped. I couldn’t plan anything so what was the point. My future was forever changed…my vision smashed…everything had been tossed up in the air. Some things landed in a cluttered heap and others scattered out far to those hard to reach places. Ive been slowly gathering those pieces up and sorting them. Some to the trash pile because they were too badly damaged, some to the burn pile because they needed to go for good and some to the treasured memories pile to be tucked away and only brought out on occasion. Then there are those in need of repair…some more than others…some may be un-repairable but I have to try…Im a hopeful person.

I used to blog on another weight loss site but came to a point where I just couldn’t write…for a long time I just couldn’t find my words...couldnt put a voice to what my heart felt. When I started blogging again it helped to start opening up those places in my head that had shut down. Making lists helps me get my thoughts together and in print rather than bouncing back and forth in my head and while I have learned to let go and let life happen a lot more, its time to start planning again. Its time to start dreaming again and striving to make those dreams reality. My future is not over…there are lots of possibilities and options; I just have to be open to them. It will not be an easy path. Some things will take a long time and others will most likely be an ongoing process for life. The hardest part now that I am able to start “inking” these things…will be to move past my fears and put the action to the desire. Easier said than done but I am a stubborn mule and will keep moving forward with not only my weight loss journey, but many other personal changes as well. Rebuilding my life has been a slow process, but its GOING to happen…it IS happening…and Im so very thankful to be sharing my journey with you all because youre amazing…thank you!!! }i{

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRESKA 7/12/2011 8:37AM

    yeh, it sucks when things we had hoped in and believed in crumble. it goes to show that we cant truly ever have peace in our plans. but the peace has to be from the one who holds us and our daily planner, in his hands.
i lean to emotional eating when i need to lean to him even harder in those unstable times. not ALL unstable times. but you just commented on my recent blog about that issue i have had lately.
so, yeh. reminding our selves and eachother to be still, and know who has our backs is what we gotta do sometimes to see past the next hurdle.

i am happy you have your children to remind you of the miricle of each new day and i hope that whatever struggles your going through will refine you and make you even that much more of a blessing to others.

thank you for stopping by my blog . i would love to be spark friends if you would like to add me. ;)
keep on keep'n on!!!
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PATTILYNN224 7/11/2011 12:39PM

  WooHoo!! You are on your way! Bravo Debbi!!


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EMILYULM1 7/10/2011 12:10PM

    You write so well. If you ever write a book some day, I will be the first in line to buy it. It's great to hear the healing that is happening in your life. I also did not plan things when I was at a low point in my life. It was like I was telling myself "What's the point....nothing ever goes well anyway." I've since started making plans and goals, but I do not have expectations with them. If they happen, great, if not, then maybe they were not meant to. Usually they happen, but not in my time. I think the peace comes in having a goal, but being open to however this goal being met will look like.
Thanks so much for sharing so honestly.

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KAMAPERRY 7/9/2011 9:05PM

    You are healing, and it is a good thing! I always loved your blogs, and I am glad to be reading them again. You are gonna make it, Deb! Love you!

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Seem to have one or the other...need both

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I either have my eating in check or my exercise. I seem to be in an ugly pattern of one or the other and I know I need both to move in the right direction instead of sideways.

I BELIEVE I will get there...it just seems to be a pretty intense struggle right now.
I am definitely battling emotional baggage. There are just some things that are too painful to deal with so I keep tucking them away...with brownies or potato salad...

Yeah...I know its not good...I know I will need to deal with these things, but honestly...just more than I can bear at this point in time.

So on a positive note...my walking is going well =) Doing a lot of stretching and trying not to push to quickly. Doing 2 miles and the second mile comes easier than the first...WOOHOO!! I am also learning more and more to APPRECIATE sweating...YES!!! My reward for doing something good for me =)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAMAPERRY 7/8/2011 1:18PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JBARSTOW 7/8/2011 1:01PM

    Well, the good news is that you're not giving up and quitting. That's far more critical than anything else. If you hang on and keep going, you'll come out ahead and beat this.

Hang tough and let me know if you need to just vent to someone!

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ELAINEROSE5 7/8/2011 9:07AM

    Keep at it and you will get it! Just think of it as giving your body the "right" things that you need to get and stay healthy!

Think about signing up for a 5K in Baltimore with me on September 11. A good day for setting a goal. It's a walk/run. You could walk the whole thing and finish before many who are still sitting on their couch!

http://charmcityrun.com/page.cfm?pa
geid=33&eid=1042&m=09/1/11

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SCOTTGARAN 7/8/2011 6:45AM

    How about writing things down in advnce. Schedule both your meals, and your workouts. IN YOUR PLANNER. Might help!
Scott

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EMILYULM1 7/8/2011 2:19AM

    I'll trade you my food for your exercise. I seem to come up with any excuse under the sun not to exercise. Right now it is a nasty cough that I have that won't go away. It is starting to make me so angry. It makes me want to say forget it to everything that I have done so far. But you and many others here are inspiring, so I will stick with it and accept the bad with the good. Good for you for moving your body and for blogging. You can do this!

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PATTILYNN224 7/7/2011 10:59PM

  Great News!! Yipee for you!!

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GLORYLIGHT57 7/7/2011 10:35PM

    LifeStyle Changes can be a struggle for most of us. Small steps will get us there. Walking two miles is awesome. Keep It Movin'.

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Do you ever get angry...

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

...because you have to/should do the "right" thing???

How silly am I? I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum sometimes on the inside. This battle raging within me...getting pouty, sticking out my lower lip, stomping my feet...I dont wanna!! I want what I want! I want to eat the goodies and not gain weight. I dont want to exercise but want the results of those that do.

Suck it up Buttercup!! Youre a big girl now...an ADULT! You know what you need to do, so do it! JUST DO IT! You ALWAYS feel better when you do. So put the "baby to bed", put on your "big girl panties" and lets roll!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELAINEROSE5 7/7/2011 1:52PM

    LOL that was funny!!!

I love Buttercup!!

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ARCHIMEDESII 7/7/2011 11:25AM

    Do I ever get angry because I have to (should) do the right thing ? Nope... doing the right thing is its own reward. Also, my inner adolescent knows that I'll never deprive them. So, they don't have to toss a tantrum if they want to have an ice cream on a hot day.

All things in moderation, even ice cream.



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MARTY728 7/7/2011 11:11AM

    Concerning "Suck it up Buttercup!! Youre a big girl now...an ADULT! You know what you need to do, so do it! JUST DO IT! You ALWAYS feel better when you do. So put the "baby to bed", put on your "big girl panties" and lets roll!!" you NAILED it. We all feel this way with one exception, the men think put on your "big boy pants". Never think that you are the only one battling a feeling or temptation, we all have and continue to. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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READY2WOW 7/6/2011 6:02PM

    I don't think I need to blog anymore. Whatever I seem to be thinking or feeling, YOU are writing about! I was feeling rather annoyed yesterday about this very thing. You're right, it's time to pull up them big girl britches! ;)

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KAMAPERRY 7/6/2011 12:52PM

    Yes ma'am!!! Love it!

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EMILYULM1 7/6/2011 12:37PM

    Yes, I throw these tantrums inside a lot of the time too. And quite often they come out too, in not such nice ways. I think that when I start eating better (within the proper calorie range) it is natural for me, an emotional eater, to start feeling all those yucky emotions come to the surface. Whatever I do, I try not to judge the feelings. They just are. I am not a bad person because I get angry because I have to do what you don't want to do. That is normal behaviour. It is almost as if all my life I believed that I was taking care of myself by giving myself whatever I want whenever I want it. Now I have to change that beleif system to say that I am taking care of myself by NOT giving myself whatever my heart desires. I beleive that eventually my heart will also desire the good stuff for me.
I also think that because we live in such a techno world now and we see things happen instantly, the temptation is to think that this will all happen instantly too.
I was thinking the other day (in an actual sane moment).....what if I had all my wishes come true right this very minute - perfect weight, established exercise routine, lots of money, healthy eating habits, perfect housecleaner, not a procrastinaor, etc. What the heck with I do with my life? I wouldn't have anything to work toward cause it would all be fixed already.
Anyway, I am rambling. Have a great day. Thinking of you and sending you love.
Em

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NEENSTER1 7/6/2011 10:17AM

    emoticon emoticon

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NELLZIE04 7/6/2011 9:26AM

    I throw tantrums to myself all the time. Its worse now that I'm summer vacations from school. I find the best way is to stay up and going.

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PATTILYNN224 7/6/2011 9:25AM

  Ditto
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NEW_PARADIGM 7/6/2011 9:12AM

    emoticon
My little girl tantrums needed to hear that pep talk this morning too. Thanks!

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