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I am a huge failure

Thursday, February 26, 2009

So much for my eating plan today. I ate the chocolate bar. Now I need to replan the rest of the day to make sure I don't go over my alloted calories. It was 300 calories. I will have to do extra cardio. The cardio will make me feel less guilty. The biggest problem I am having is not the 300 calories chocolate bar, but my mind. I keep mentally running through every food in the house and how much of it I can eat. I am so glad there are no Salt and Vingar chips anywhere in the house.

Take a look at my nutritional tracker. I was able to correct my chocolate bar mishap. I'm sure I will be starving by bed time, but I am so glad I was able to make it work without going over. I even have room for a tiny snack if I need one. I feel better now. I did extra cardio too. I don't think it would have bothered me so much if it had been a healthier choice other than a chocolate bar. The good news is there is no more chocolate in the house. That I know of anyway.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAWILLOW 2/27/2009 6:26PM

    You can do it!

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GUARDMANSGIRL 2/27/2009 11:13AM

    Girl, please, you are NOT a failure. You are a HUMAN..part of SP is recogonizing life long changes. You arent going to avoid chocolate for the rest of your life are you? No way, we just have to learn to only allow ourselves to do this once in a while. You are doing great!

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KFILANOSKI 2/27/2009 1:10AM

    Just from all the people that have left you posts I can tell you you are no where near being a failure when so many people care about you!! :) Candy is candy, don't look at it as good or bad food, at the time it made you happy right? Food only has the importance we give it and if you're so upset about one little candy bar maybe you need to look closer at what that was all about? How were you feeling when you ate it? before you ate it? do you think you might be worried about something else and you're blaming it all on the candy bar instead of looking at the real problem? I don't mean to be all lectury, but I know when I eat something that I KNOW isn't that bad and I freak out about it there's usually something deeper behind it. Maybe if you can try and recognize you're emotional triggers, you can get at the root of the problem and maybe find a better way to fix it!! We can help!! :) LOTS O LOVE!!! emoticon

- Katie

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2LABS2LOVE 2/26/2009 10:02PM

    Last night I ate a chocolate pop tart. When my husband offered me some chocolate, I did not refuse. I was hungry and made bad choices. I could have eaten popcorn or an apple...but it just doesn't have that "ahhh" factor we are looking for. The fact that you are human...makes you successful in this journey...not a failure. If you didn't care about the calories...then that is a failing...but you cared...which makes you successful! emoticon

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SUETINGE 2/26/2009 6:14PM

    You are not a failure! You are a human being that made a mistake. There is a huge difference. I know it's hard, but please try to remember that.

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LORAIA 2/26/2009 5:17PM

    Lori, please stop beating yourself up over a silly candybar! Maybe your rainbow today should be that you decided to do extra cardio! Remember, the half empty glass is also half full.


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PENGUINLADY! 2/26/2009 4:43PM

    You are not a failure! You pick yourself up again! I ate a WHOLE BAG of potatoe chips yesterday for lunch. Yup..I went over my calories, but today I will stay in range.

You can do it!


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F8CONE8 2/26/2009 3:52PM

    Remember this is for life not just for the moment. You cannot fail as you are a beautiful person no matter what you eat. Hugs - Carol

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TEACHINKIDS2 2/26/2009 3:47PM

    Awww don't beat yourself up! We all fall's when you don't get back up and brush yourself off when you need to worry....We've all been there and done that....I could write a book lol...

Keep your head up!!!!Tomorrow is a new day!

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MOMOF6BOYS 2/26/2009 3:39PM

    Oh! I know how you feel!!!! The great thing though~we realize it now! We are able to pick ourselves up and start again...I know if I can, you can too!!!

Thank you for your kind words on my blog! It is time to get back on the wagon and get seriously focused on the road ahead ~ a healthier, slimmer, toner US!!!

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GRAPEVINE60 2/26/2009 3:02PM

    You are not a huge failure! You are just human, and you ate a candy bar. Forgive yourself and go on.

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Oh those nasty cravings

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Today is one of those days where I find myself thinking about food non-stop. I hate days like this. All I want to do is eat, eat ,eat and then eat some more. So I have been smart and planned my whole food plan for the day so there is no room for craving based cheats. I have a habit of writing down a larger amount than I have eaten. I know its the exact opposite of what most people do. If I have a medium orange I put down that is a large orange. If I add a quarter cup of tomato sauce I write down that it was a half cup. I know why I do it. I do it so that I won't go over. I am constantly worried that I will miscalculate and end up eating 3000 calories a day. I weigh and measure everything so I don't know why I am so paranoid about it. Its only 10:30 and I feel like I am ready for lunch. I need to find something exciting to do to distract myself. It is -30 Celcius (-22 F) here today so I won't be going outside.

The countdown is on to my 16 days of bliss. Its only 30 more hours till the inlaws leave the country. Gord is sounding relieved. Even the days we don't see them they are interfering. I tend to enjoy every minute of the sixteen days. I just so sorry for the poor people in Cancun. LOL.

I am being very good about getting all my cardio in and then some extra. I know I need to do it 7 days a week instead of 5, but I just don't seem to ahve the motivation on the weekends. I think a part of it is that I don't want an audience. Having four men watching me sweat isn't my idea of fun. I probably look really good sweaty though. LOL

I need to reevaluate my rewards plan. I was originally going to get a haircut after 25 and a new bedspread after 40. Well I noticed yesterday, while I was washing the sheets, that they are very threadbare. I might have to get some new purple sheets at 25 pounds and a haircut at 40 and then the bedspread at 50. My favorite sweatpants have just devoloped a hole in an embarrassing spot as well. There are so many things I need. Its a good thing I have lots of pounds to lose. LOL

I am having such a hard time trying to forget that there is an Oh Henry in the kitchen drawer. Husbands are such bad influences.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KFILANOSKI 2/27/2009 1:14AM

    I think it's awesome that you do 5 days of cardio!! stop being so hard on yourself!! lol baby steps can be just as effective and a lot less stressful. hope you feel better and really enjoy those 16 days of bliss!! :) emoticon

- Katie

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DEZE509 2/26/2009 2:28PM

    If you can't throw it out (the O'Henry) stick it in the freezer. If you can throw it out, make sure to take it out of the wrapper and put it on the old coffee grounds, pour ketchup on it. Don't think of it as wasting it but saving your waist from it.

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New numbers, some ball questions and my remarkable cat

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

As you probably already know, I have been having a hard time with the numbers spark is giving me. I keep thinking that 1550 -1850 calories per day is way too much for someone my height. Every time I raised my cardio they raised my calories needed. Everyone said they are right and I need to eat that much. I've been doing it, but reluctantly. I haven't been losing weight though - 2 pounds in the last month. So this morning I decided to fiddle with the numbers a bit and made a discovery. I am eating too much. I was right. What I did was checked my goal weight and date. I had put down Dec 31st as my goal so they were calculating my weight loss on that date. Therefore, they were calculating a slower weight loss. I want 2 pounds a week, which is healthy. I changed the date to Nov 15 and my calories needed changed to 1300 - 1650. This seems more reasonable to me. I think I have finally found the problem. I know if I wanted to could cut down my cardio a bit (I'm trying for 90 mins 5 days a week) but then I would have to cut down the calories as well. I like to do the cardio because it makes me feel like I am really working hard towards this goal. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to go hiking this May without having to worry about my knees and shins and feet. I can't do that without getting off my butt and working on it. I feel much better about 1300 - 1650 than I did the previous numbers. I don't feel like I am cheating or bingeing.

I did tons of cardio yesterday. I was feeling low so I just kept getting back on the bike. I still felt low, but at least I felt like I was accomplishing something. I need to work on more core exercises. My stomach is bloating so much that I feel fatter than before and that is not encouraging. I am hoping if I strengthen up those belly muscles it might help the bloating a bit. I don't really know though. Does anyone know if you can get an exercise ball in a really small size? The ones I have found have been 75 cm, 65 cm, and 55 cm. The smallest one said for under 5'3". I am 5 inches under that so I am worried that it will be too tall for me. I have no balance at all so maybe a ball might help. Does anyone know anything about them? I don't know a thing about them.

I am alone today for the first time in a week so I am planning on enjoying the peace and quiet. I love my family with all my heart, but every once in a while a person needs some alone time. I haven't had alot of that in the last 15 years. I am going to finish up some laundry, prepare some lasagna and a salad for dinner, do my cardio and then take it easy for the day. Maybe read a book or have a bath. I need it. I am sure all you people with small kids know what it is like trying to have a bath alone. It seems like every time you close that bathroom door the kids come running. I figured it out a few years ago. They think if the door is closed then something good is going on inside and they don't want to miss out. They are inquisitive little creatures.

Something remarkable happened yesterday. We have three cats and three kids. One of the cats is in love with my oldest son and one of the cats is in love with the middle son. The other cat has always liked me best. My youngest gets very upset because he isn't any of the cats favorite. For months I have been lying to him and teling him that Rocky sleeps in his room while he's at school. This made him happier. Anyway, Rocky is a very old cat (20 this summer) and very stubborn. He is not a playful cat at all. he likes to be left alone. He will let people pat him, but he will scratch and bite if you touch his paws. Yesterday, he let my youngest son old his paw in his hand. It was amazing to see that this fierce creature trusted Adam. Adam was thrilled by this and is now proud to say that Rocky likes him best. I believe that animals are very intuitive. When I am sick, Rocky won't leave my side. If I am upset he lies beside me and purrs. With my pregnancies he was my constant shadow. I don't know how they know these things, but they seem to. I guess now that Rocky is Adam's cat will have to get another one to look after me when I am sick. LOL

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGELA_09 2/26/2009 11:28AM

    It's good to see you found the problem with your calories! I'm sure it was frustrating not losing weight when you're doing all the cardio. Hopefully, now you'll see the progress you want. Keep your head up, and it will work out.

That is so cute Rocky likes Adam the best. LOL It's sad when the kids feel left out of things.

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JKPONYGIRL 2/25/2009 7:56PM

    my mom is 5'1" and I think her ball is a 45 - look online at theraband balls and I'm glad Adam is now a cat's favorite!

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JAKERS6 2/25/2009 2:40PM

    I'm glad you figured out what was up with your numbers. I have to say that while I was reading your blog honey, I had to smile. Your so little and thinking of you on one of those big balls cracked me up. You better find a little one, you'll never get down. LOL I love the story about your son and cat, how very cute. You get to get another!!!!!

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Giving ME a second chance

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I have always hated my body. I can't remember one single time in my whole 43 years that I have liked my body. I was thinking about this today and I started thinking maybe I shouldn't hate my body so much. Sure, I am overweight and short and saggy and ....... the list goes on. This body has done some amazing things. It has given birth three times. Every one of my pregnancies was high risk. After the first one, my mother said I shouldn't have anymore, that I was just one of those women that wasn't meant to have children. She was not too happy with my decision to have two more babies especially since I was 36 adn 37 when I had them. But my body did it. My body endured test after test and weekly doctor visits. This overweight, short saggy body brought three lives into this world. I think that is a great reason to give my body a second chance.

I have always been very hard on myself. I have never liked me. I have no self esteem. I need to think about what I have accomplished in my life that has made me strong. I married an abusive man and GOT OUT. I hate myself for letting him do the things he did. I wonder what was wrong with me to let someone hurt me that way. The day I realized I was pregnant everything changed. It was fighting for someone else now. He came after me, grabbed me by my hair and threw me up against the fridge. I couldn't let him hurt my baby so I grabbed a knife off the counter, turned to the open window and screamed. When he turned to see the open window I kneed him in the balls. I haven't seen him since. I saved a life that day. Instead of feeling ashamed for letting myself get into a situation like that I should feel proud that I saved a life and I got out of there. I was a single mom for 8 years. I worked 50 hours a week to support us. I did what I needed to do. I need to remember that. I know I am a good person yet I still let people walk all over me. Its not right. I let people belittle me and use me. I need to stop this behaviour. I am stronger that I give myself credit for.

I need to give ME a second chance. I think that is what I am trying to do. I am trying so hard to do my cardio and eat right. I got some insulting comments from one woman and it brought me to tears. It shouldn't have. I know I am doing everything I can to get my body healthy and one persons negativity isn't my concern. I am not sure how to raise my self confidence.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKERS6 2/25/2009 2:32PM

    You have to think if someone is sending you a message that is mean spirited then it is their problem, not yours. Their just trying to involve you into it. I think doing all of this is a second chance and more. Every day when you rise is a new beginning, every new moment is a new beginning. Keep it up, your doing great!!!!

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LIVEN2BPINK 2/25/2009 10:34AM

    Your right someone else's negativity isn't your PROBLEM it's theirs. That is a hard lesson to see sometimes.
I will never like my body or how I look so it has become a matter of Health....mind and soul. I live for today this moment...I don't want it wasted on what I cannot control if I am not to be here tomorrow.
We tend to absorb what we are surronded by, even our own thoughts...break away and be positive...our cups are half full.

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LORAIA 2/24/2009 10:08PM

    Just add a mantra to you cardio on the bike. "I KNOW I can, I am strong, I AM worth it!" Slowly, but surely, you will begin to alter you self image. Then you can start to work on Gord's self image problem with his parents.

You have gone through hell and not only survived the exprerience, but you have thrived.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WBOYACK 2/24/2009 4:38PM

  You are worth a second chance and a billion more! BTW you saved more than one life - you saved YOU. That takes courage. I am inspired by your strength!

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CHUBERASER 2/24/2009 2:21PM

    Girl! Let me tell you something! You are are are are awesome! You can do anything you set your mind to. Don't let others keep you back by belittling you or telling you that you can't do something. You can! And, you will!
Circumstances in life hold us back from finding our true potential sometimes. Been there (too long a story to even go in to). But, little by little, we can overcome obstacles and reach the place we were meant to be. You made a life for you and your son...on your own! Great achievement. You have gone on to marry and have two more miracles. Awesome!
Hold your head high, girl! You are mahvelous!

emoticon Look in the mirror and love yourself!


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SEAWILLOW 2/24/2009 2:15PM

    emoticonYou are worth a second chance...Keep trying until you find what works for you and WIN!

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Ramblings of a mad woman

Monday, February 23, 2009

I got on the bike first and did 43 minutes slow and then 17 fast. I usually try to do 30 medium and 30 fast, but today I was too tired. Mondays seem to be that way for me. I then had to shovel snow which took 20 minute so I added that as cardio and then I did a DVD walk of 1 mile. 920 calories burned. I will try to add more bike later. I know this is going to sound weird , but it doesn't feel like exercise unless I am dripping sweat. The shovelling kills my arm muscles so I know that it is good and the walk used some different muscles that I don't usually use to it was great too. I just don't stink enough after them. LOL

I am feeling a little emotionally drained today. Obviously the inlaw visit last night did a number on me, but its more than that. I don't like the person my husband becomes around them. He turns into a spineless jellyfish. If he would stand up to them we wouldn't be living with such a bad situation, but he won't. They have too much control over him. He was so grouchy yesterday that the whole family was miserable. He was constantly yelling at the kids. It was not a good day. I didn't want him anywhere near me last night. it is just such a frustrating situation. I would like to spend the day in bed crying, but its not an option for me. Adam is home today and there are things to be done.

My fruit challenge is stumbling today. I have been trying to eat one piece with breakfast and onewith lunch. I ended up making french toast for breakfast so missed that fruit. I guess I will have to fit it in somewhere else. Dinner tonight is pizza. We just had it, but Gord requested it again since he has to snowblow after work and wants a relaxed easy dinner. I love pizza, but the calories mean I have to be extra careful all day.

As you have probably guesses, it snowed AGAIN. I am getting tired of all the white stuff. We got about 5 inches last night and its snowing lightly now. We already have at least 4 feet out there. I am beginning to doubt if we will ever see grass again. Now this is really going to sound strange, but one thing I am looking forward to when I lose weight is the summer. I get heat stroke very easily. One of the boys is the same. It doesn't even get that hot hear but it will make me sick. I am hoping that if I am lighter I will be able to handle it better. I guess the good thing about living up here is that I don't have to deal with too many summer months. The mosquitoes are bad though. We live in the country so they can get really thick. They love me and two of the boys. They leave Gord and Adam alone. I have no idea why. Maybe it has something to do with blood type. I like the fall - its not too hot and not too cold and all the mosquitoes are gone. Now if I could find somewhere on this huge planet where is is always fall I would move there in a heartbeat. Anybody know if there's a place like that?

Okay I just made up my mind. For lunch I will have my two fruit (an apple and an orange) and some celery with cheese whiz. Maybe a bowl of cream of potato soup to round it all out. I can't fail on my challenge this early in the week. Maybe some chocolate pudding too if I have enough room and enough calories left. I think I spend too much time thinking about food. I guess that is why I am fat.


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