Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I'm having trouble with rewards... They just don't mean much to me... its all just stuff that either you need (so eventually you will buy it) or you don't (so really, why buy it?). I'm trying it, 'cause SP is so adamant about it, but so far no big thing... A book I wanted I got in October, but keep thinking, hmm I wonder if I could have gotten this at the library; A new christmas sweater for meeting my thanksgiving weight loss goal... but, it just didn't bring a glow-- more of a chore. Well, there was one reward.... My spouse went with me on a hike as my reward in November for losing 10% of my total weight. He was a great about it, although a little bored. He's a forester so being out in in the woods exploring 3 miles of trail on a rainy day lacked a thrill for him. I loved it. He'll go with me as "my reward" again, but really I'd rather have a regular hiking buddy who loves it as much as I do... So how do you pick rewards?
The best idea I can come up with is to take clues from my nonexistant motivational collage... Haven't done that yet, but that's the my goal for this week... What movtivates me to do this? Maybe when I get a clear picture of my true motivation, I'll see what my rewards are/should be.
Lately I feel like I'm going thru the motions, but why? I'm tracking and exercising... but why do we do this-- all this work?
I like feeling muscles.
I like stretching sore calves and tight hamstrings.
I like reading everyone's blog and cheering.
I don't really like walking in the rain around town or even tracking all my calories -- but I do these things... why?
I like that there is less of me.
I like being strong.
I like having better balance.
I have my spouses support because he sees me committed to getting strong enough to ski again -- but really the idea of me skiing is scary. Last time I tried I couldn't turn because of a bad ankle (now more or less fixed)... but its been 15 years... scary. Will I get off the bunny hill, or will I disappoint him? Do I care? I am eager to be on that damn bunny hill. But its been so long since I've been in "the game" and I can't help but feel perhaps the expectations of a partner on his black-diamond adventures will not accept the realities of a day on the bunny hill.
So maybe I want my reward to be a return to my old life with my husband -- one of activity. But you cant bring back 20 lost years of inactivity. scary.
All this was going through my head today.... It was a "thinking day". (I seem to need "thinking days" fairly regularly, as in at least once/week). "Oh, by the way," sez DH. "I ordered you hiking boots online." (I've been trying to get something firm with serious water protection and ankle support, but I'm such a weird size, no one has anything in stock for me to try on. I was going to try again in a bigger town after christmas.) "I ordered several sizes to check the fit. We can send back what won't work. You need to get boots to get out in the woods in this weather." ?!?
My best friend and true love understands better than I do why I'm doing this. I miss the woods. I miss being brave and exploring new trails. I joined a local hiking group that goes out once per month in all weather. DH wanted to make sure I wouldn't miss their next adventure -- He found on-line the out-of-stock boots I'd been looking for. He realized I need those NOW. Not a month from now. I always try to fit into the family schedule/budget -- expensive boots for me comes after the Cristmas bill have been paid. DH saw a different priority. Amazing how your spouse still can amaze you after 25 years together. I've always said you REALLY don't know someone until you've been married at least 15 years... he's still someone I'm getting to know. I like that.
I still will try to find "rewards". But I'm pretty content. I don't want anything. I have my DH, my home, my kids, and soon I'll have a good pair of hiking boots .... How do you pick rewards? Any suggestions. Is it REALLY that important? Thanks.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve. Its raining here -- but then we have NO expectations of snow on the Oregon Coast. My spouse cooked thanksgiving -- it was NASTY and made me nauseous (smoked lamb... I hate smoked food and I hate lamb, but he was SURE I’d like Smoked Lamb... ). Don't worry, I'm not talking behind his back -- He had to go get me soda crackers and pop so I could deal with the cooking smells that day... too funny. But I'm sooo not into Christmas cooking, that here it is Christmas eve, I haven't even been to the store 'cause I'm hoping he'll cook, (surely no holiday meal could be any worse than that last one-- although I didn't tell you what he made for Easter... beer pancakes with bourbon syrup. Try to image a smoked porter beer in buckwheat pancakes...). Holiday meals can get contentious here... Others household I hear have ham or turkey. I'm not against breaking tradition, but I would like something edible, call me crazy.
I haven't spent Christmas with any extended family for years, since my spouse is so adamant against it. He dislikes all the hoops he must jump through--all the expectations. I do agree that Family Expectations can kill us, but no expectations may kill us too... or will it allow something new and magical to happen? I don't know, but I'll let you know what I find out.
To make it, we might have to fake it, girl. So my plan is to just move this day. Go to the store. Make peppermint dessert. Wrap gifts that have been under my bed for weeks (kids are going to hate them -- spouse bought suitcases and clothing... how very practical). The New Year starts in a week. I do have a sense of humor about it all-- and I choose to be here with my stubborn hubby who tries so hard. The kids are teenagers now and understand their dad's gift-giving strategy and meal planning quirks. We can shop after Christmas together for what they like. I look forward to that and I will make the DH go too, so maybe he'll get a clue... or not. We'll have fun together as a family, because we always do-- we laugh a lot when we're together with the kids. The LOVE part is working, if we don't all agree on the season details.
So, I guess, Merry Christmas everyone. May you be with your loved ones and feel cherished.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
So, I'm suggesting options for a family evening activity, (scrabble, cribbage, movie...) and am finding no support or enthusiasm since everyone is cranking away on their electronic item of the moment. I'm cranky. I leave the room. My spouse (DH? What does that stand for?) takes over... and the family evening activity is (large sigh) -- Arm wrestling.
Jim, my spouse is taking out the boys in the 'left arm event', since he is the only lefty in the family. My youngest son (14, a swimmer) challenges me...I almost walked away. But I thought of a male friend who had shared his experience on FB of sitting through his daughter's beauty pageant with good grace. I queued up. It was the first activity in a long time that the boys didn’t dash out off as soon as they were able. What we parents will do to stay relevant in our teenage children’s lives...
And what does this have to do with SP? I won as many matches as I lost-- I was a player. My boys (oldest 17- basketball, spouse-forester who's up and down hills all day, and my youngest, the 14-yr-old swimmer) were amazed. The almost 50-year-old former librarian mom who never has participated in sports, was a player. My spouse and I have told the boys how I USE to run (ski, rock climb, hike, etc)... but the kids have really never seen me do those things. I'm the mom-who-stays-home-with-the-baby, or the-sick-child, or the-child-who-had-an-event-to-attend, etc. I never went. And then I was the mom-with-the-bad-back and the-bad-ankle. I cheered, but I never participated. So, they assumed I never have done those things.
I'm sad beyond belief I let this happen. My spouse has been on me about it for awhile. But I guess, it just had gotten easier to stay at home... And I will admit, those days the guys would go off hunting, I DID enjoy having a quiet house to myself... but still. The kids have seen me volunteer in school, but they haven't really seen me ski or backpack... or even run.
To my credit I did have physical issues. Ten years ago, a broken vertebrae was repaired. A year ago, I INSISTED that my doctor order blood work to gain some understanding of what hormone issues I had. And finally, sick of not moving, I had surgery to repair my ankle in March, 2010. .. so I did all the pre-work and as soon as I was out of the cast, 3 months later, I was walking. A month later (and down already about 20lbs from the previous year) I found SP.
Now the mom moves. I HATE that this fact is still somewhat novel to my kids. I'm sorry my spouse has had to go without another adult all these years in all his adventures. I'm determined to be a player now.
My sons were asking for a re-match... I say "bring it Boys!"
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Amazing how fast I post weight losses at SP vs. how SLOW I post gains. I'll usually wait a day or two, just to see if the weight will go away, before I post a weekly gain-- so my normally "Wednesday weigh-in" might actually be a Friday weigh in, if I get better news in those extra 2 days.
This past week, I did post 150 (1/2lb gain) for my most recent Wednesday's weigh-in, (which was really a Friday weigh) in, for a small gain. But I checked again this morning, and, GOOD MORNING, there was a scale drop! So of course, first thing this Sunday morning, I'm off to SP to add that weight to my Tracker -- I want to SEE my weight loss tracker race car show 148! hah! Next, I check my goal line, the red line that sez I'm on course to make my goal weight by my 50th birthday May 1, 2011. ... only, damn. The blue dot is still bouncing above that red goal line. Damn! First time since starting SP I'm above that red line for more than two weeks in a row. I hate goals. I hate failing. I hate that I get down on myself for a couple of weeks of slower weight loss... its a life time change, I tell myself, what does a slower loss matter? ... still. My happy login moment is gone, all because of a blue dot above a red line. I mentally take away my little gold star. sigh
Then it hits me... my INTERMEDIATE Goals, "Size 10 by Thanksgiving" AND My "Fall 10% Loss Challenge"! I'm wearing size 10s! I started Aug 30th at 165 and I've lost 10% of my overall weight since then! The goal was 148.5... I'm AT 148! I made it! I did it-- TWICE! I hear cymbals and celebration! Shopping for the first time since this whole SP thing started (cause I had decided NEVER to buy anything over a size 10 again). Sigh. OK, I say to myself, you're pretty shallow if all I care about are sizes and scale numbers. So I turn down the music in my head and go clean kitchen. ... And I plan a quick trip before grocery shopping to get a holiday vest to wear to work ;)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I cheated. I stepped on the scale 3 days early, just to see...
I'm sore from increasing the weight I use during exercise sessions, and I'm HUNGRY. I've been eating at the upper end of my calorie range this week. I've been having strange cravings -- eggs, milk and ooh la la, a metRX whey protein shake! ... who craves eggs, milk and a crappy, watery, gritty protein drink?
When do you stay strong and get past cravings and when do cravings signal a real body need? I'm still not confident seeing the difference between the two, but these cravings also came with the "low food" warning light fuzziness I get some times when I'm truly not eating enough food. I checked my foodlist and knew I certainly wasnt' starving myself... but I did feed these cravings.
Last night I watched a biggest loser video clip online. I heard that cardio workouts burn fat, so these workouts use a lot of what you already have (fat). But muscle building requires lots of protein and nutrients that our bodies don't store... i.e., the hunger and protein cravings!!
I'm glad I saw this cravings as something my body needed... But still I worried with all the extra calories I've been eating this week-- I might be slowing down my weight loss. NOT!
It looks like I DROPPED 2 LBS so far and I have 3 days to go before my official weigh in! "momma said I'd have days like this" but I never believed it until today. I have NEVER lost 2lbs this quickly, even on The Adkins Diet. More food and more weight gone = Amazing. I may flex my calories some, try to eat at the lower end of my calorie range, for a day or two, just to make sure the weight isn't just water. But if I'm hungry, I'm eating... I just don't "do" the low blood sugar headache well...
Oh yeah, this loss makes a total of 10 lbs I've lost since joining SP! Yes!
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