Monday, May 20, 2013
I have a weigh in this week and I am not looking forward to it. This nagging, lingering cough has made it impossible for me to work out. Every time I start getting my heart rate up and start breathing a little harder, I end up in a violent coughing fit and have to stop.
Plus I will admit, I'm embarrassed to be the chick in the corner coughing her lung onto the elliptical. While I know I'm no longer contagious, I also know how I would feel if someone was next to me coughing away.
I have been getting better, this morning I only had one violent coughing fit on my bike commute. So I'm going try to start going back to the gym this week. But that doesn't help with my weigh in.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I feel so weak and tired. This is week 3 of this mystery cough. Iíve finally gotten back to my bike routine, sort of. I have to take it really slow or I start coughing my head off. (Have you ever tried to cough, I mean really cough, while riding a bike? It getís interesting. )
Add to the lack of biking, the fact that because anything even remotely physical triggers my coughing fit I havenít been near the gym in about 3 weeks. I can already feel myself losing endurance and strength.
I realize I need to rest and let my body recover from whatever this is. But on the other hand, I have been completely sedentary for almost a month now and itís really frustrating knowing that all the hard work I put in before is rapidly evaporating.
Friday, May 03, 2013
Last Monday, (the 22nd) I woke up feeling perfectly fine, but with a mild, little cough that wouldnít go away. I went about my life until Wed. when I woke up horse and coughing my head off. I stayed home, taking cough medicine and trying to sleep. But by Friday, I was coughing so hard, so often, my throat was raw, my ears were throbbing, and I had pulled a muscle in my neck.
To top it off I hadnít slept for more than a few minutes in the last 3 days, because every time I closed my eyes I would launch into a coughing seizure-like fit.
I went to urgent care clinics, talked to pharmacists, and called my general practitioner; and they all informed me that I had a cold and there was nothing they could do about it.
Iíd tried teas, hot showers, various cough medicines, heating pads, setting up, reclining, anything I could think of just to get a few hours of sleep; nothing made even a dent in my coughing. I was utterly exhausted.
I realized then, that I would trade anything just to sleep, soundly and restfully for a few hours. Nothing, not a new car, a million dollars, a date with the hottest man in Hollywood, can give me that healthy, allís well in my body, feeling. No material possession can give me a comfy, restful nightís sleep.
This Tuesday night I found a mixture of prescription strength cough suppressant, Nyquil, and pain relievers that has finally, and blissfully, allowed me to sleep through the night (more or less). However, my deep, body shaking, ear popping, headache inducing cough is still right there nice and handy when I get up.
For two weeks now, any slight physical activity, (even adjusting the blanket) could cause me to launch into a coughing fit. So I havenít even been able to take a walk in two weeks. It doesnít help that between the ďMay cause drowsinessĒ cough medicine, and the less than perfect nightís ďsleepĒ I am completely wiped out, exhausted all day. I know itís going to be like Iím starting out at square one again, when I get back to my gym schedule.
Being sick, sucks.
Monday, April 22, 2013
I hate that so much of my self esteem is tied up in the tag-size on a pair of jeans.
Last Friday, my friend, who is a beautiful, petite, slim, blond; suggested we go out to the bars. My first thought was, ďOh My God! Thatíll be so much fun!Ē My immediate second thought was, this image of me, setting there, looking fat and ridiculous while some guy rudely wedges himself between us, so he can talk to the pretty girl and put his back to me (Iíve been there many times so I know it happens).
I ended up backing out of the idea.
Then Sunday night, we started talking about our ďideal manĒ and I made the mistake of saying, ďI need to find a man.Ē
So, trying to be helpful, she decided to find me one. She actually opened an account on a dating website right then and there and started looking for someone I might be interested in. She would hold up her computer and ask me what I thought of each guy she found. I kept shooting them down and she complained that I was too picky. But I was actually thinking, Ďso you get this guy to talk to me. Intellectually, online and in phone calls weíll have a great time. Heíll think Iím smart and funny and will ask to meet me. And the moment he sees me, I will actually see the disappointment on his face (again, Iíve been there.) So whatís the point of going through all the rest just to end up rejected the moment we met.í
I realize that this is not the guyís fault. Iíve been rejected enough, and beat up by society and myself enough, that I now walk into a date (or bar scene) expecting failure; so Iím sure Iím not the warmest person in the world at that moment. Iím nice and funny, but I canít get it out of my mind that this is the first and last time we will be talking. So I just, instinctively, shut off. I remove myself from the moment so it doesnít hurt so much when I am rejected. I just reject him first, to save myself the time and embarrassment. And that makes me both sad and mad.
It irks me that in my head, my entire self worth is tied to my waistline!
I put myself through college! I traveled, alone, to Italy, (without speaking the language), to study for the summer! I have lived on my own, taking care of myself, since I was 18 years old! I have a full time job, I love to read (actual books), I write, I paint, I sculpt! I love to learn new things, I read Scientific America for fun! I bike, I hike, I love to take nature photos, I love to travel and explore. People are always telling me how intelligent I am, how intuitive I am, how funny I am, how cheerful, how open minded, how giving!
And yet, I hate myself because Iím not a size 6. I donít give myself a chance because of my arm jiggle and my stomach. I hate that I can create this strong, confident woman in my stories, but I canít seem to bring her across into myself. I hate that I let it all affect me so much and that I can so easily ignore my good qualities and that I give so much power to my negative ones. I hate that my body image is dictating my life.
About a year ago, when I started all this change in my life, I also started seeing a therapist. Because I was miserably unhappy with my job and I realized that my life wasnít going to change until I made it change. I feel fairly confident that my professional life is in hand, but I also realize that my weight problem is only the tip of a very big iceberg I had been trying to ignore most of my life. I think now itís time to start talking with my therapist about dealing with my self-image/self-esteem issues.
Friday, April 12, 2013
As a thank you to one of our student workers who is graduating, the department took her out to lunch. We went to a place that was highly recommended by a co-worker. I was told they had a great menu with awesome fish options.
It turned out to be a dive-bar, and the fish was a wad of grease with some batter and bits of fish. I ate it, but now I feel so gross. I keep chewing gum to get the taste out of my mouth and I have a vicious craving for fresh things, like apples and fresh bell peppers.
It's interesting to see how much something like that can affect you, when you've been avoiding it.
I probably would have felt better if I'd just skipped lunch and stayed hungry.
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