Thursday, June 14, 2012
Since approximately early November of last year I have been very ill. This was the beginning of my long hiatus. First, I was dealing with multiple bouts of flu and cold, then mononucleosis, then mind-numbing migraines which ended up being compacted wisdoms that required removal, then I had a cancer scare. All is well now. I am feeling better.
Now I have to start again. During this hiatus, due to doctors orders as well as my own fatigue and illness, I have not exercised but maybe one or two times. Also, because I was not feeling well and new I would gain weight from not exercising I was a bit angry and decided to eat. I ate all the things I was only allowed to eat in moderation when I was exercising, and I ate plenty of it. This has, of course, caused me to gain back weight. In fact, I have gained back all but 8oz of the weight I lost.
Not all is doom and gloom, however. I have learned that being fat can have just as many perks as losing weight. I did write a long list of the pros and cons of each status of being, but my computer glitched and I lost it and now I don't feel like rewriting them. That being said, I have learned from this episode in my life.
I need motivation. I have lost it during such a long hiatus and I wish to get it back. The weather isn't helping any, though in the past it wouldn't have been an issue it is with someone who isn't motivated. Anyone want to cheer me on? I know I can do this, I just have to get my head in the game. What do I plan to do? The same thing I did when I started losing the weight the last time.
-Measure myself (arms, bust, natural waist, waist, hips, butt, thighs, calves)
-Begin weighing daily (I know this doesn't work for some, but for me it motivates)
-Start eating whole again
-Get a massage to work out all the muscle strain I gained the last 7+ months
-Start exercising 4-5 days a week
-Reset my goals
Please, I could use some cheering and motivation. I need to lose this weight...again!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I always heard that losing weight cannot make you happy. You have to make internal changes for that to happen. That being said, despite gaining weight, I am still happy. There are also some sad comparisons between my previous fat self to my weight-losing self that I would like to share with you.
When I was fat I guilted myself for eating large proportions. When I was losing weight I guilted myself for eating the wrong things.
When I was fat I felt bad about gaining weight. When I was losing weight I felt bad about not losing weight 'right' or 'enough.'
When I was fat I was not happy with my body. When I was losing weight I was not happy enough with my body.
When I was fat I made disordered choices. When I was losing weight I made disordered choices.
When I was fat I was obsessed with how fat I was. When I was losing weight I was obsessed with how fat I still was.
When I was fat I would avoid situations solely based on my weight. When I was skinny I would avoid situations solely because I was trying to lose weight.
Happiness doesn't mean weight loss. In fact, I am happier now than I was when I was losing weight. I constantly felt pressured, by myself. I constantly felt like I could be doing better. I constantly felt like I still didn't look good. I still felt like I wasn't fit enough.
Thats not to say I am not going to lose weight when I am feeling better again. Absolutely not. However, I will have a different viewpoint. My choices will not be dictated by the goal of weight loss. I will be able to attend family functions despite an exercise class being at the same time. I will go out to eat and not feel guilty about ordering something delicious. I will make choices based solely on, "Will this make me happy?"
Yes, I may not lose weight quickly and I may never make it to a goal weight but I will not feel like I am dieting in a way that I personally would see as disordered.
My choices may not always be healthy, but when they aren't they will be happy.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Everything is daunting right now. I can't exercise related to my mono (enlarged, easily rupturable spleen) and even if I were cleared to exercise related to the spleen I don't know that I would have the energy, another side effect of the mono. Add the fact that the mono weakens my diaphragm muscle and causes me to have shortness of breath it all adds up to not being able to exercise. Whats more? This could go on for 6 MONTHS! It could have already been going on for a month plus, so maybe I am close to the end of it, who knows. My doc said that so far I am doing well considering a lot of people drop of out of school or work do to their lethargy and so far I am not at that point yet. What I do know is that I have no physical drive to do anything exercise related. Mental drive, yes.
I have the mental drive to make better food decisions, but again, no physical interest in doing so. I have no energy to do my dishes, to actually make food that requires any sort of preparation. The closest I have come to warm food that I have prepared is popcorn or microwaved leftovers. Not exciting. Add to it the nausea I have had lately related to the spleen pressing against my stomach, I am only interested in certain foods.
I am almost back to the weight I was at when I started my journey. I know this isn't good. Its given me a good bully. Its pushed me to the ground. I feel the wind knocked out of me. I can't do a lot about it though, and the lack of control sucks as well. I feel ridiculous and I have constant thoughts of whether it will be worth it to get back down to the 160s or even try to surpass it, as I could just as easily pop right back up to where I am now. The fear of all the things that failed me when I was in the 160s is really keeping me from going again.
Honestly, this is mostly just me spewing my thoughts. I don't really want any advice at all. In fact, I prefer it if no one gives me any well-intentioned advice that only leaves me feeling like I am a failure because I can't find the drive to pick myself up yet while others find it soooo easy or because I can't seem to make even small strides though some people find they are losing tons of weight by just making small changes. That hasn't worked for me in the past and I don't really want to hear about it. There. Now you know I am in a pissy mood. At times I wish there was an option to disable comments. Believe me, as Alice from Wonderland says, "I give myself very good advice but very seldom follow it" and therefore I don't need anymore! At least not for a little while.
I have a feeling some day I will get back into the 160s with just as much effort as I have before but I can't see past that and see myself ever getting further or even maintaining. It all makes me wonder if it is worth it. Sometimes I find myself wanting intensive nutritional intervention like people with eating disorders get and sometimes I find myself simply using the mantra "Die fat and happy." I do have hope that I will get to a juncture soon though.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I am making better choices these last few days. I have made a few meals that are definitely not boring. Citrus salmon with dill and white asparagus and low calorie, low sugar fruit tarts. They looked good as well.
I took my weight this morning. Not happy about it but I made the decision that I am going to work it down. I lost 20lbs the first 2 months I had started this journey the last go round, so I hope I can expect something similiar this go round.
I have meals planned and hope to keep to them. I am staying at the lower end of my calorie range so if something should sneak in, I know I have enough padding to accommodate them.
I have a realistic goal date for my weight loss. One year and 45lbs. Sounds realistic to me. Being a numbers person, thats almost 3.75lbs a month. Not shabby. I also have a pretty decent calorie range, which is nice.
Coming off of a large weight gain has taught me a few things I would like to share that may help other people. If you are like me though, sometimes you don't believe something will happen to you until you do it yourself. Oh well. Thats why they say, "Live and learn."
1) Vacations aren't a vacation for your diet. Routine is hard to get back to when you lose it for any large amount of time. (Mine was a month.)
2) When your calorie range is too low, even if Sparkpeople says it is appropriate, it isn't necessarily appropriate. Living on 1200 calories and only being able to do so because you are borrowing calories from the next day is no way to live and it dampens your dieting spirit.
3) Giving yourself the excuse that today will be the last day before your diet so you eat as if there is no tomorrow will only cause you to say the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day and the...
4) Listening to other people's "advice" about dieting won't work just because they will it to. Everyone is different and what I need to lose weight is different than what you need to lose weight.
5) If you have lost weight and you still feel fat, don't. I know that is hard to hear and you probably won't really truly understand until you gain back the weight and think on to what you WERE without the weight. You have so much more than you think you do in the moment.
6) It is going to be embarrassing if you regain the weight. More embarrassing than when you were originally that weight. Why? Because everyone knows you as your skinnier self. They see you wearing clothes you wore when you were fat. They scrutinize what you eat now, even if it is just with their eyes. They notice you have less self control.
Okay, now what about the things that I feel I have gained from gaining weight? The good things?
1) I feel more confident about the way I did look and will be proud to get back to that weight, even if it is not my goal weight.
2) I notice how less energetic I am and that I truly do need exercise to feel well.
What is it that I expect to have accomplished by the end of January? I do feel goals are important. I don't feel they are set in stone however. If that happens and I don't reach goal of no fault of my own I can get down on myself so it is important to have it as a goal and not an absolute. I am starting simple.
1) I want to lose a minimum of 3.75lbs.
2) I want to work out 4 days a week.
3) I want to continue eating whole foods.
There will always be people skinnier than you. Don't let it get you down. There will always be people that can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce. Don't let it get you down. If you need to increase your calorie range because it is impossible where you are at, don't let it get you down. If certain food throw you off the deep end, get rid of them and don't let it get you down.
So, moral of the story is that if you lose weight, keep it off. Only you will regret it. Other fat people have the "misery loves company" bit and skinny people are happy they are still skinnier than you. Maybe that sounds harsh, but in my experience it is generally true.
Do it for yourself.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Today I felt a little more motivation to start getting back in the game. One bad motivation and one good motivation. Lets start with the former.
I was at my parent's house and in the glass frame of their television stand I noticed that I am morphing into the fat girl again. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my arms. Its funny, because when I look in the mirror here at my house I only see it a little bit. It was really depressing. I know people say that one has responsibility over their own decisions but I feel like the last few months have been nothing but me battling against a constant urge to stuff my gullett with everything I can possible fit in it, and even more. I felt like the control over my decisions was not there. It bums me out when people say, "Just get motivation. Just do it" because it really isn't as simple as that. So, in a nutshell...stop saying it. People have to just get motivation and it often comes from the middle of nowhere, when a person least expects it. You typically can't just conjure it up, despite people thinking you can. If you are one of those people that can do that, kudos to you but it must mean that you have no vices whatsoever because you have such great abilities to self motivate. In that case, I would like to say I am entirely too jealous of you. But, it is highly likely a person such as that doesn't exist.
Now that the first motivational factor has been listed, along with my little rant, I believe the second is in order. I received a gift tonight from my mother of the Sparkpeople cookbook. I read it tonight and it has given me some motivation to eat better. I am not interested in all the meals, but that tends to be the case with all cookbooks, but it has provided some motivation and help in the eating department. It gives me hope that I no longer have to stray from food because I am bored. It has provided more options.
So, while this motivation may be fleeting it is a start. I am finally feeling entirely too fat to stay this way and my body is telling me that my eating habits are not appropriate. Even my energy levels are telling me I need to get back into the exercise game. I don't know if I am back to my heavy weight, I am sure I am close to it. I don't even honestly want to think about it.
What I do know is that tomorrow I am going sledding. Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping for great veg and fruit (my local grocer has had a terrible and actually disgusting variety later so I need to pan out) and to restock my spices and grains. I am going to cook fresh and interesting meals. I am going to keep myself accountable for my decisions.
Looking at pictures of myself at my lightest I notice how great I really did look and I know that when I get back to that weight I will have even more confidence than I originally did at it, because I will actually feel it instead of still feeling fat.
Over and out.
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