Saturday, May 04, 2013
I know the moment that losing 50lbs didn't matter anymore. The point when the new lifestyle became too difficult to maintain.
It was the point where no matter what good things I did, what right things I followed, what exercise I did, what healthy food I ate, I couldn't lose weight. It was really bumming me out. I had cut out sugars to see if that would help. I exercised more, then less to see if that worked. I ate more calories then less calories, perhaps that would help? I felt like I was trying everything to break a barrier. I had eaten healthy, for weeks with no treats to try to break the barrier. Then, one day I couldn't handle that anymore. Maybe there was no barrier. Maybe this was as good as it was going to get.
I decided to stop torturing myself and just get some donuts. Two to be exact. Nothing terrible. I took the two delicious looking donuts home and I made myself comfy and ate those two donuts, savored them. After I ate them, I broke down in tears. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't not eat donuts. I couldn't not eat TWO donuts. I couldn't make myself feel like everytime I ate something that wasn't healthy that I was doing something wrong, something forbidden, even if I had convinced myself that treats in moderation were good I didnt want to do moderation anymore. It wasn't helping me lose anymore weight anyway and it was making me depressed.
Losing weight was supposed to make me feel better about myself, not worse. I wasn't on a diet, I was on a lifestyle change, but I made too many changes. I think I became orthorexic, and I knew it. No one should cry after eating two donuts. No one.
I stopped counting my calories. I stopped tracking them. It was annoying and it prevented me from eating anything that didn't have a calorie count on it. I stopped being so strict about working out. Even 4 days a week was preventing me from spending time with family and friends whenever I wanted. I was feeling rude when I turned down activities because I "had to workout." Besides, I knew one day, when family members were just a memory, that workout wouldn't matter. The fact that I turned down spending time with them would.
I think the stress got to me. I got sick. FOR 9 FULL MONTHS. I couldn't get a break. I had illnesses that prevented me from working out. My doctor even said "I wouldnt do Zumba for 6 months," and it seemed like the perfect excuse, so I didn't. I then had my wisdom teeth out, and it was the perfect excuse to eat ice creams and calorie laden goods I only treated myself to before when I was losing weight.
It all came back. All 50lbs.
Then it became a revolution. I was going to feel good being fat. I was going to be happy. Who says I can't be happy, eating what I want and watching TV when I want and visiting family and friends when I want. It did make me happy. It was a different kind of happy. I do think you can be happy when you are fat, just like you can be happy being skinny. Different things bring you joy and different things bring you pain.
But now I have the urge to workout and eat right again. I have an intense fear that the same thing will happen again. I will become obsessive. I will become orthorexic. I will hit a barrier and lose all my hope. I will gain back 50lbs. I don't want that to happen, and I don't know what to do to prevent it.
At this point, it will be one day at a time. I need reminders when I am making healthy choices and when I am making obsessive choices. I need reminders that one or even two donuts won't kill a lifestyle change, in fact, its part of it. I need reminders that family comes before weight loss. I need reminders that I am beautiful every day, even the days I feel really obese or the days where my workouts prevent me from having nice hair.
I don't know if my previous journey will help me in this journey until I continue on it. I know my first weight loss journey helped my second (I worked out everyday after work like clock work, didn't count calories and lost weight...slowly but surely), so hopefully third time is a charm.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I have a problem. When my heart isn't in something, I don't stick with it. I get discouraged when I don't see progress, ESPECIALLY when I am doing what I am told to do. I feel cheated.
I'm not positive my heart is in my weight loss this go-round either. I've had a lot of very short-lived restarts recently. Probably 4 or 5 really short (max 1.5 weeks) starts that end up with me thinking, "whats the point?" But, what am I doing? I'm restarting yet again. I feel motivated, but I also know there is plenty of room for me to dive into "whats the point" territory yet again.
What have I done to start myself out? I've cleaned my fridge and pantry of things I don't need to eat. It had post-Christmas recipe ingredients that I don't need in my life. I created a workout schedule which I feel I am able to maintain. I filled my water bottles.
I know, my blog entries used to be filled with positivity when I was originally on my journey. I was able to see the end. I was able to easily see the motivation to get there. Lately, I have been less positive, almost negative. I don't know where my future lies. I am not entirely motivated.
But, I get spurts of motivation that really sink in and I need to just run with them.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
For those that follow my very sporadic posts, you know that I have been having health issues on and off for the last year. For those of you that don't follow, now you know!
Because of these issues and the fact that I just couldn't seem to keep my eating under control and felt powerless to it, in addition to my obsessive thought processes about food in the past I went to see a dietitian to see if he/she would have any advice for me. As insurance pays for the two first visits 100% I figured I had nothing to lose.
My visit was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving and honestly, I was nervous to go see her. My biggest fear was that she was going to say I just needed to suck it up and eat right an that it's this hard for everyone. Thank goodness that wasn't the case!
The first visit was an hour long and it could have been so much longer! Within the first 5-10 minutes of explaining my health woes and eating woes the dietitian immediately knew what my problem was. I have a prolific overgrowth of yeast in my system. There aren't reliable tests to definitively diagnose it and the symptoms are vague so most doctors don't tend to have a diagnosis based on those. In addition, my dietitian said most people who consider themselves to have a sweet tooth or "can't live without carbs" has some level of yeast overgrowth.
Knowing I had this she put me on a Candida Proliferation Diet. It's strict for a while and then you slowly work foods back in. The first question I posed to her? "Does this mean I can't ever have a cupcake ever again?" And to my absolute joy she said that after the initial killing off of the yeast, no, I just have to pay attention to what my body is telling me when I have one. Joy of joys!
So, I've been on this diet for 5 days and man, it's hard, but knowing its temporary helps me to really stick with it, in addition to the little tricks she give me to fight of the sugar cravings until my body no longer craves it. I've been told the first few weeks are hardest and I will feel worse before I feel better because when the yeast dies it gives off toxins that will exasperate my symptoms. And I have noticed worse symptoms, but they haven't been unbearable, I even went to work despite them. But, all that is worthwhile because, in addition to the temporary nature, I have lost 6lbs in 5 days! That is awesome. And since I am under the care of a dietitian it is also considered healthy weight loss. Yay!
So, my advice to you if you have a problem with a sweet tooth, loves carbs too much for your own good, or have very vague/general icky symptoms to go see a dietitian. They may really be able to help! And, if you have already been on a candida diet, what was your experience with it?
Monday, November 19, 2012
I lost almost 50lbs last year. I got chronically ill and gained it all back in as much time as it took to lose it. I found some positive things came from that. I now feel happy despite being overweight, and that isn't something I could say prior to losing weight last time.
However, therein lies the problem. If I'm being totally honest, there were only two motivators for me losing weight last time: I wanted to look good and I wanted to be able to do things I hadn't previously been able to do. Since I'm content, even happy, being the size I am I've lost that motivation of looking good. Sure, I still have that desire but I know it doesn't outweigh my desire to eat what I want in quantities that satisfy me. Yes, I realize that's a terrible thing.
So that leaves the motivation to be able to do things I don't feel comfortable doing at my weight. That motivation is a lot less than it was previously as well. Again, weighing the amount of work to the fact that there may be one of these adventurous situations popping up every 2 months or so, I begin to wonder if it's worth it.
So, I've lost my motivation. For me, health doesn't seem to be much of a motivator as the sickest I have ever been was also when I was at my healthiest in terms of eating right and working out so I feel like that's not the best indicator of health. I'm not like all the parents who work out so they can be alive for their kids' graduations, weddings, or grandchildren.
What does that leave me with? I feel as if I have no motivation to truly put myself 100% into losing weight again. That doesn't mean I don't know that I should. I know I am considered obese and I know I don't have very good physical stamina. I have been exercising but not really losing weight because I can't reign in my eating. For me, in order to lose weight, it's all or nothing.
I have to exercise frequently and I have to eat perfectly (fudging or treating myself has never helped me lose weight and I haven't found a way to do so that has helped me to do so). This is what has proven to help me lose weight in the past but in the long term I feel it also caused a lot of warped thinking on my end about food (bordering on disordered thinking perhaps?) and I don't want to experience that again because it didn't help me.
So, what to do? Spend my entire life counting calories, shunning sweets and highly caloric foods, and busting my butt exercising? That doesn't seem maintainable.
I'm not sure what I am asking for help with. Help finding my motivation for restart? Obviously the aforementioned reasons don't get me too fired up. Advice on what a nutritionist/dietitian might be able to do for me in terms of controlling the eating part of weight loss? I don't know, but maybe someone out there has some insight?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I think that gaining and losing weight is teaching me just as much as losing the weight taught me. I am learning that you can be happy when you are fat. Yes. I said it. You can be happy when you are fat. No lie.
Of course, you will still have your ups and downs, much like you do when you are thin. But I have learned that I can be just as happy when I am fat as I was when I was thin. Its just different things that can make me happy.
That being said, I am starting to feel more in the mood to exercise and get back into shape. Thats not to say I am unhappy, I just want a different type of happy.
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