Sunday, December 14, 2014
So, here I am. At it again. But, I'm not going to berate myself or even talk about my "previous journey" of weight loss in this post. I'm here to journal because research has shown that writing your thoughts down can help you lose more weight than not.
On my hiatus I learned a great many things. I learned that I really can be content whilst fat. I learned that me losing weight to look thin is only a comparison game. I only want to look thin because other people look thin and I feel they judge me. This thought process really doesn't help my mental health, which I really need to baby. I am currently on depression/anxiety med which I probably should have been taking for the past 14 years but that I am glad I am on now. However, a combination of my depression and my depression medication has made me fatigued, so on doctors orders I really need to get back into exercise to help boost my energy level. I'm a few months past due on that order. But, today is a new day with no mistakes in it.
If I'm being fully honest, I have a lot of fears about this new start. Let me count the ways:
1) That I will fail like I failed before. I will lose a large amount of weight only to become frustrated with not meeting a goal weight that makes me "average" in the eyes of the medical community (garr BMI!) and I will make a lot of slip ups that will eventually cause me to gain back the weight and more. I need to remind myself when those times come to go see a dietitian and relay my concerns. I need to have a heart to heart with all my physicians about it.
2) I will lose steam before the journey even starts. I will make excuses, convince myself that a vanilla chai tea with milk here and a kit kat here won't hurt and I won't see progress and I will become frustrated and go back to my old eating habits. I need to remind myself that 9 months to get back to where I was before will be totally worth it. Its just 9 months. Each month will be hard work. Each week will be hard work. Even each day may be hard work, but the closer I stick with it the sooner I will arrive and the sooner I can go beyond to a place I have never been before!
3) I will become obsessive like I have in the past. I will convince myself that to get over this plateau that perhaps I should cut out sugar, or add extra calories or remove some calories, or workout harder or less, or or OR. I certainly fear that this time. I need to remind myself that every food is important to me...whether physically or mentally. NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE REPLYING TO MY BLOG say, I don't need to cut anything from my diet. It is all important and has its place, in moderation.
4) I worry about comparison. I like to compare myself to others when they started losing weight at the same time I did. When they pull ahead by 10, 15, 20lbs I get discouraged. This time I need to remind myself that they may be denying themselves certain things or doing certain exercise that only make me lose interest in losing weight. My plan will get me there eventually.
All in all, my goal is not to look hot in a bikini. My goal is to get back to where I was and to appreciate it for all it was, and prepare myself on the way to fight those stumbling blocks I met when I was there.