Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Pizza, candy, ice-cream, mayo, enormous amounts of cheese, fried potatoes, butter, salted popcorn, heavy cream in my coffee, eating 5-6 meals a day.
I thought I had moved away from eating like this.
What has sent me spinning out of control the last several days?
Is it recovering from my 4th surgical procedure since July?
Is it the phone call and then mail from my employer letting me know what is expected of me when I return to work in early February?
Is it watching my health fail as I age and knowing that because of debt and lack of savings that retirement is not ever an option?
Is it the pain in my left shoulder, elbow and wrist that wonít allow me to even open a water bottle anymore?
Is it the anniversary of my deceased daughterís birthday coming up next week?
Is it having to increase my little pugís pain medication as the cancer moves through her body?
Is it worrying about my adult children and knowing I can no longer jump in and help like I used to?
Being home from work has been a mixed blessing and curse. I am away from a job that leaves me exhausted and too tired to do much but drop in a chair each evening, but now I have so much time to just think about what is and what should have been. Regrets that dance through my head. Anxiety and depression have taken over my mind.
I am sad and worried and scared.
I am eating to cover feelings I simply cannot deal with.
I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with, some of it much more difficult to deal with then my personal issues. I donít expect anyone to have any answers for me. I write this only to help me. To make some sense around what I have been doing. To calm my soul.
I start tomorrow not with plans to weigh and measure my food, not to count calories or watch portion size. Tomorrow my focus is just to eat clean, no garbage.
Even if I over eat, my goal for tomorrow is to eat food that is helpful, not harmful to my body. Just for tomorrow.
I will have to let Wednesday take care of itself.